Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

[springydaff]

Just had a thought: is he self-employed?

Are the family finances clear and plain, accessible to you both?

Do look on the Women's Aid website to get some tips.

[jamaisjedors]

Family finances totally clear.

I hear you all on getting the preparation done before telling him that this is IT.

A friend who did a similar thing has warned me that once you have definitely said you are leaving, it is very tough to share a house (she did it for a month while waiting to move into her new place).

To others, I don't want to stay in that house, it would be too much maintenance for me and I would also like to move somewhere less rural and closer to DC1's upcoming school.

I don't know why I'm so scared about signing for a house now and getting it furnished before telling him. I suppose it's because the solicitor made it clear that we needed to meet soon to get a court date booked, but told me it was always possible to cancel this.

A house is something else.

[Fairenuff]

There was a poster on another thread who didn't take the house straight away but told her DP first. He stopped paying for anything in their current house. She had to cover all bills and mortgage. In the end she ran out of money for her own house.

Get the house, get it signed up and then tell him you are leaving.

[jamaisjedors]

He is not financially abusive and everything is in joint names, no mortgage.

It's more the worry about what the period between telling him and moving out will do to my health, I already feel wrecked and can't sleep and am coming out in eczema all over.

[woolduvet]

(If you want long term support off here, you might need a new thread as you're getting close to 1000)

[springydaff]

Jamais

[TowelNumber42]

Minimise that time period.

[explodingkitten]

I lived with my EX for 9 months after we split. It made me consider suicide. I'm not even exaggerating, I really considered it. I have been thrown on the floor, strangled, sexually assaulted in the middle of the night, physically hurt till I collapsed on the floor and he went out of his way to tell me every day why I was such a despicable human being, that nobody would ever want me again and he didn't understand why I had friends. Every single day. I couldn't access our bank account. He wanted to buy me out of the my part of house but stalled all procedures. I wasn't in a position to rent somewhere without these things arranged (might be different in the UK).

This was by a man that I had known and loved for 13 years. He was the sort of man who would drive hours in the middle of the night if someone needed him. He cared for his mother for 4 years till she died. He always had the spare room available for any friend that needed his help. It was just me that was dirt to him.

Please arrange your stuff before you leave.

[NettleTea]

he may not be financially abusive now, but you cannot guarantee how he will behave when he realises that you are serious.
Make sure you have your own bank account and ensure that if there are any savings in joint names you move them across before you tell him. This man has deliberately done things to punish you - you cannot say what he will use to punish you when the emotional stuff doesnt work.

[Fairenuff]

If you do a weekly shop, you can get cashback each time and put it away. Just get everything ready to go and then when you tell him you won't have to live with him and put your health at risk.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Do it Katie Holmes style. Do not trust him for anything- certainly not to try to predict his behavior.

Stealth prep, rent a storage unit if you have to: stockpile supplies from clothing to food to absolutely anything. CoatsProtectionLeague had a thread called “Dh sent me a photo by mistake” (sorry-can’t do a link on my phone). That thread turned into a master class on getting ducks in a row.

You need your health. Do not sacrifice that: Priority One.

[springydaff]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake

[ChristmasFlary]

@springydaff - l posted on that thread under a different name. What happened to @CoatsProtectionLeague ? I couldn't find the next thread.

[jamaisjedors]

Thanks, I did read that at the time, will reread it now.

I wanted to talk to H a bit last night, not least to hear what his view on how the marriage counseling went, but in the end I did some yoga and then he took himself off to bed. When I went up it was too late to start talking really.

This morning my counselor has found me a slot for Monday evening - next week will be busy - her on Monday, then I am seeing the solicitor on Tuesday, then we have a second session with the marriage counselor on Tuesday night.

I'm going to write a list of things I want to discuss with her because I got a bit side tracked last time.

Nee to start a new thread too I guess because I still need you all.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Thank you, springy.
Iirc the second Coats thread was in OTBP so doesn’t exist anymore.

You are doing great, jamais.
Focusing on the health foundations of exercise, sleep, and proper nutrition will serve you well. You are doing the right thing.

[redlotusblossom]

@TheBandPlayedOn

I was on the Coats thread too. Did she get away ok do you know?

[redlotusblossom]

Sorry
@AndTheBandPlayedOn

[billybagpuss]

Yes please start a new thread so you can post the link here before it runs out

[thestarkimperative]

How are you today OP? Been thinking about you

[Weenurse]

Hope things improve

[jamaisjedors]

Thanks. Have been feeling pretty dreadful lately but last night had a big (and quite calm) conversation with H.

We have an upcoming holiday booked with other people which was stressing me out.

I have now told him I'm not sure what to do about it and that I don't really want to go. We will talk again about it.

We went over a lot of things and he has had some insights about our relationship which were also things I noticed too.

We both feel there is a huge lack of kindness and respect.

We also identified together when things started to go badly wrong between us, which was when both of us took steps up at work about 11 years ago.

He also admitted that some things were there all along, particularly the dynamic of him dominating and needing to impose his point of view or way of doing things.

I am skeptical that any of this can change and have been open about that.

We agreed that it was still better to continue to go to the marriage counseling, even if it is to use that space to sort out calmly how to organise things with the kids.
Will start a new thread.

[Jeezoh]

I’m worried by your latest post that you’re now thinking the terrible behaviour is mutual. Could he give you examples of when you’ve not been kind or respectful that in any way equate to the examples of him behaving without kindness or respect?

Don’t let him rewrite history so you feel you’ve somehow contributed to the problems to the same extent he that he has.

[Thehop]

We’re all with you Jamais x

[Fairenuff]

We agreed that it was still better to continue to go to the marriage counseling, even if it is to use that space to sort out calmly how to organise things with the kids.

I think he will be calm and reasonable in the counselling session but will backtrack on everything afterwards and might even refuse to go to any more counselling because there is 'no point'. In his eyes, if it's not getting him what he wants, it's not worth doing.

So this might be your one and only time to lay out how you want to go about the separation with regards to the children. Go for it.

[TowelNumber42]

When do you have to decide about the holiday?