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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 39 40

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:

Report

butterballs9 · 07/12/2019 02:12

Oops - 'men's shit' - same as 'men's drama'. Incredibly boring.

butterballs9 · 07/12/2019 02:09

You know reading this post amongst others makes me relieved i'm divorced and quite honestly I don't think I can put up with mens' shit any more.
Living alone is so peaceful, happy and just generally brilliant.
I remember how awful it was putting up with my ex's endless sulking and every single special occasion that he ruined, I know I could never put up with that again.
I honestly think you'd be happier without him OP, I really do xx

-----

Indeed. I can't really add anything to that. 'Men's drama' is spot on. So boring, so predictable, so draining.

gamerchick · 02/11/2019 17:48

Ah who dug this up?

princessTiasmum · 02/11/2019 17:43

Typical Narcissistic behaviour, get him left if you don't want a miserable life,i recognise this behaviour, when you have done nothing wrong but being punished because you wont be or do what he wants, childish, but you have no idea why

2018SoFarSoGreat · 04/02/2019 18:19

Sending good thoughts your way tonight

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:13

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?watched=1

OP posts:

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:09

It is. It will be totally welcome because we have had 3 massive discussions over the last few days and I need to get my head straight.

I have been journalling/writing things down and have the journal with me to take tonight.

Then we have the marriage counselling on Tuesday.

Will get that new thread started now, thanks all.

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 04/02/2019 11:44

Is it your own counselling session tonight @jamaisjedors ?

TowelNumber42 · 03/02/2019 20:58

When do you have to decide about the holiday?

Fairenuff · 02/02/2019 12:24

We agreed that it was still better to continue to go to the marriage counseling, even if it is to use that space to sort out calmly how to organise things with the kids.

I think he will be calm and reasonable in the counselling session but will backtrack on everything afterwards and might even refuse to go to any more counselling because there is 'no point'. In his eyes, if it's not getting him what he wants, it's not worth doing.

So this might be your one and only time to lay out how you want to go about the separation with regards to the children. Go for it.

Thehop · 02/02/2019 12:03

We’re all with you Jamais x

Jeezoh · 02/02/2019 12:00

I’m worried by your latest post that you’re now thinking the terrible behaviour is mutual. Could he give you examples of when you’ve not been kind or respectful that in any way equate to the examples of him behaving without kindness or respect?

Don’t let him rewrite history so you feel you’ve somehow contributed to the problems to the same extent he that he has.

jamaisjedors · 02/02/2019 10:06

Thanks. Have been feeling pretty dreadful lately but last night had a big (and quite calm) conversation with H.

We have an upcoming holiday booked with other people which was stressing me out.

I have now told him I'm not sure what to do about it and that I don't really want to go. We will talk again about it.

We went over a lot of things and he has had some insights about our relationship which were also things I noticed too.

We both feel there is a huge lack of kindness and respect.

We also identified together when things started to go badly wrong between us, which was when both of us took steps up at work about 11 years ago.

He also admitted that some things were there all along, particularly the dynamic of him dominating and needing to impose his point of view or way of doing things.

I am skeptical that any of this can change and have been open about that.

We agreed that it was still better to continue to go to the marriage counseling, even if it is to use that space to sort out calmly how to organise things with the kids.
Will start a new thread.

OP posts:

Weenurse · 02/02/2019 02:54

Hope things improve

thestarkimperative · 02/02/2019 00:52

How are you today OP? Been thinking about you

billybagpuss · 01/02/2019 13:29

Yes please start a new thread so you can post the link here before it runs out

redlotusblossom · 01/02/2019 12:19

Sorry
@AndTheBandPlayedOn

redlotusblossom · 01/02/2019 12:19

@TheBandPlayedOn

I was on the Coats thread too. Did she get away ok do you know?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/02/2019 12:08

Thank you, springy.
Iirc the second Coats thread was in OTBP so doesn’t exist anymore.

You are doing great, jamais.
Focusing on the health foundations of exercise, sleep, and proper nutrition will serve you well. You are doing the right thing.

jamaisjedors · 01/02/2019 07:03

Thanks, I did read that at the time, will reread it now.

I wanted to talk to H a bit last night, not least to hear what his view on how the marriage counseling went, but in the end I did some yoga and then he took himself off to bed. When I went up it was too late to start talking really.

This morning my counselor has found me a slot for Monday evening - next week will be busy - her on Monday, then I am seeing the solicitor on Tuesday, then we have a second session with the marriage counselor on Tuesday night.

I'm going to write a list of things I want to discuss with her because I got a bit side tracked last time.

Nee to start a new thread too I guess because I still need you all.

OP posts:

ChristmasFlary · 01/02/2019 06:51

@springydaff - l posted on that thread under a different name. What happened to @CoatsProtectionLeague ? I couldn't find the next thread.

springydaff · 01/02/2019 01:02

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake

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AndTheBandPlayedOn · 31/01/2019 20:49

Do it Katie Holmes style. Do not trust him for anything- certainly not to try to predict his behavior.

Stealth prep, rent a storage unit if you have to: stockpile supplies from clothing to food to absolutely anything. CoatsProtectionLeague had a thread called “Dh sent me a photo by mistake” (sorry-can’t do a link on my phone). That thread turned into a master class on getting ducks in a row.

You need your health. Do not sacrifice that: Priority One.

Fairenuff · 31/01/2019 13:33

If you do a weekly shop, you can get cashback each time and put it away. Just get everything ready to go and then when you tell him you won't have to live with him and put your health at risk.

NettleTea · 31/01/2019 08:14

he may not be financially abusive now, but you cannot guarantee how he will behave when he realises that you are serious.
Make sure you have your own bank account and ensure that if there are any savings in joint names you move them across before you tell him. This man has deliberately done things to punish you - you cannot say what he will use to punish you when the emotional stuff doesnt work.

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