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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
TheVonTrappFamilySwingers · 11/12/2018 17:58

I can't abide a sulked and you shouldn't have to live like this.

Just tell him his sulking is childish and a total turn off for you. He needs to act like an adult or your relationship is at real risk of ending.

Tell him you (and the kids) will no longer accommodate his shitty moods.

TheVonTrappFamilySwingers · 11/12/2018 17:58

*sulker

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2018 18:15

Do ask yourself that question.

His so called good points are not that fab really, they are examples of what he is good at. He is also good at sulking and getting his own way and over a museum visit of all things.

I also doubt very much that your kids think he is a good hands on dad and they certainly should not be anticipating or actually trying to manage his sulks either.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 11/12/2018 18:16

If he really wanted to go to the museum, he could’ve talked about it. Maybe come up with a suggestion - he could’ve popped in the next day perhaps? My point is he needs to realise that he needs to actually talk. Let you know how he feels and maybe together you could’ve thought of how you could accomodate it or not.
Nothing good comes out of an anyone sulking.

mikado1 · 11/12/2018 18:23

Again this ties in for me, people like this don't like it when they're not deferred to; they want it there way but would rather not get it and sulk (and ruin everyone's day) then actually discuss. This way it's your fault cos they said it was 'fine' with them.. don't ya know.

mikado1 · 11/12/2018 18:23

Their their their way!!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 18:24

Thanks all. I feel slightly less insane.
If I say it's about the museum, he'll deny it I think.
He will switch it to my lack of concern for his bad back or sore leg.
I probably was not that sympathetic because I was feeling fragile and trying to keep it together because of feeling sad about the anniversary of my dad's death. I have told him this but what is hardest to stomach is that he hasn't apologized for any if it, he is always right and this is no exception.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 18:25

Absolutely mikado1!

Where is your thread btw?

OP posts:
mikado1 · 11/12/2018 18:31

It's in parenting - dc picking on dh.. I have tagged you but can't link.. please see what you think!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 18:34

Will do, off to eat dinner now.

OP posts:
busybarbara · 11/12/2018 18:46

I can't believe someone would actively be unhappy to "abuse" someone else. What's he getting out of it? He is probably genuinely unhappy about something and he needs to share it fast

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 11/12/2018 19:00

You have 3 children - not 2. I'd be mentioning how unattractive and purile sulking is in a grown adult and ask him what steps hes going to take to manage his behaviour in the future. If he cant shape up, he can ship out!

Cawfee · 11/12/2018 19:09

You know what OP. It was YOUR birthday. Therefore the onus was on him to make sure you had a good weekend. It sounds like it’s all about him. He sulks if he doesn’t get attention and sulks if he doesn’t get his own way. What a difficult man. Can you really be bothered putting up with that nonsense for the next 30 years?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 19:16

Funnily enough I've always felt almost smug when other people say their spouse is an extra child, DH has always seemed so grown up and mature.

But I realize now that's not true. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 19:18

Busybarbara yes I genuinely think he is unhappy about something, in the past there have been underlying complaints which have lead to a mega sulk on a minor pretext.

I need to talk to him but it is so hard to find a slot with our jobs which overrun into the evenings and pre teens about too.

OP posts:
Graphista · 11/12/2018 19:25

Attila - spot on as ever.

What I would do? My ex was a sulker and like a pp I nipped it in the bud before we even married. Told him he either acted like an adult and TOLD me what was wrong so it can be discussed argued about & resolved OR he needed to leave until he COULD act like a grown up (at this point we weren't really living together but he was at mine more often than not so we kinda were) and I meant it and I made that clear. Not by shouting etc, I waited till we weren't mid dispute and then sat him down and very calmly BUT firmly told him.

"You have a problem with me or something I've done you tell me. You don't sulk & ignore me. It's rude, immature and doesn't solve anything. Just causes a bad atmosphere. I WILL NOT be walking on eggshells in my own home - not happening!"

I'd grown up in an abusive home with an appalling atmosphere and he knew that. Like hell was I putting up with it now I'd escaped!

If I were you I'd book a meal/coffee out with someone else watching the kids. And tell him the above or very similar AND tell him you won't be tolerating it in front of the children AT ALL - that's your deal breaker! That actually he needs to set a BETTER example in front of your sons and work with you to prevent them from developing the same UNHEALTHY and ABUSIVE bad habit. Enough is enough. I'd maybe add if he thinks that's going to be too hard he needs to get counselling to figure out why and to stop it.

I honestly would not be tolerating this again and would be seriously considering asking him to move out - even temporarily - if he does it again. And he doesn't move back until it's sorted. If he doesn't sort it he doesn't move back.

He needs a wake up call.

How do his parents handle disputes?

With your update at 1735 it's not just to punish, he's trying to train you all to give in to his wants all the time. Fuck that!

Does he ever apologise?

ChristmasFlary · 11/12/2018 19:25

What l reading is a very similar set up to what l had. I went through all the "good" points DH had to try and convince myself that he was worth it....

So... he remembered birthdays, good at IT, good with the boys...errrmmm

But what is that really? Like your list it's not really that out of the ordinary. I remember birthdays, I'm good with the boys. I.T not so great but since we split l have coped just fine!

Is there anything in your list that makes you think...yes wow that makes him stand out from the rest of the men in the world....

My ex use to give me one word answers and l always felt l was treading on eggshells so he wouldn't strop. The relief l don't have that anymore.

It was your birthday weekend and also a sad anniversary..... and he made it all about him.

He doesn't seem a very likeable man.

Since my ex left l have felt so much lighter. The house is calmer, the boys are happier and l no longer suffer with the same level of anxiety.

Only you know whem you've had enough and if you want to end it.

I never did, he did it for me by meeting OW but l am so pleased he did.

CottonTailRabbit · 11/12/2018 19:29

Blimey you are already making masses of excuses for him.

Trying to talk about it is pointless. He does this on purpose. FFS he spoiled your birthday weekend on purpose. Yet still you are all about poor little him with his hard work life and other excellent reasons for stabbing you in the guts being not his fault and any fucking him off discarded as overdramatic!

You need a word with yourself not with him. For a bloody start you should blank him for at least double the time he blanked you on the weekend. Pointedly. If asked say nothing is wrong, like he would. He shouldn't dish it if he can't take it.He's told you he uses it as punishment. Well, if you ask me, he deserves a hell of a punishment.

You've been all talk no trousers with him so far. As a result he ignores the noises coming out of your face. You can change that. Only with actions though.

Robin2323 · 11/12/2018 19:31

Does he feel ignored?
That he doesn't have a voice?
Does he come last after the job, the kids?

How did his family handle conflict ?

He does have lots of good points , but , like a lot of men finds communication difficult.

But he's just pushing his feelings down.

Sulking / workaholic etc.

It can be turned round ....

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 19:33

Thank you all for taking the time to read all my posts and give some very sound advice.

The ultimatum has been in my head til now but I think I do need to spell it out to him.

I AM sick of walking on eggshells and even now am putting off talking to him because of the fear he will go into a worse sulk.

His parents never disagreed at all, my parents shouted a lot. I guess I was happy there was no shouting but now I would live him to just split it out and tell me what's going on.

We had it all out a couple of years back and I thought we had past this but obviously when the pressure is on at work and I am less available it comes back again.

OP posts:
TeamSpirit · 11/12/2018 19:33

How, Robin?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 19:34

I actually do feel lighter and happier when he is away for work - which has worried me in the past but I put it down to mecbeeddeung my own space.

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CottonTailRabbit · 11/12/2018 19:35

He goes into a worse sulk. You go into an even worser sulk. Stop being a frightened little bunny hiding from The All Powerful Man. Mirror it back with deliberate effort.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 19:38

Robin I do think he feels he doesn't have avoice sometimes, he certainly resents it if I make decisions without him.

I would love not to uproot my DC and also make things work between us because I'm not a believer in giving up and I don't think the grass is necessarily any greener elsewhere.

He has refused to go to marriage counseling with me because he didn't want to stay up all the negative stuff again but did agree to a couple's weekend earlier this year which seemed to go well and at least have us a communication tool to get out if the sluk quicker this time (we used it after the weekend).

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Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 19:40

Cottontail rabbit but what about the kids in all that? I don't think I can do it to them, it's bad enough when one is sulking.

I don't actually want to give him (another) stick to beat me with either, he'll feel even more justified in sulking then.

OP posts: