Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

[CottonTailRabbit]

Oh so he used the tools after he had spoiled your weekend. How generous. Did that mean you had to shut the fuck up about it by any chance?

[Emptyspace]

I was married to a sulker and I do regret not leaving him sooner.

He also ruined two birthdays of mine even though I always had to make a big effort for his and funnily enough one of the biggest disagreements we ever had was over a museum which was another day out with the poor kids ruined.

A year after we split he did ask to come back and we tried again briefly. It didn’t work out and one of the main reasons was I could not forgive him for the sulks and silent treatment over the years which is soul destroying. I do think he regretted it as during the reconciliation he tried hard to be upbeat and involved but I doubt he could have sustained it for too long.

I would think seriously about the future of the relationship.

[jamaisjedors]

He used the method of communication because I said I would use it to avoid getting wound up and over emotional and so he ended up using the technique too.

After that he was all cheery and whistling like that's all settled, while I still feel numb.

[RyderWhiteSwan]

I actually do feel lighter and happier when he is away for work

This is telling you he is a drain on your mental health. His Oh So Stressful work shouldn't be impacting on the people he's supposed to love and care for. Maybe he needs to change jobs if he can't cope with his present one.

I do feel, however, he is merely using sulking as a control tool to keep you on edge and pandering to his whims. Does he sulk at work?

[CottonTailRabbit]

Why would the children know you were giving him the silent treatment? You be normal to them.

Anyway, you can say it out loud "I tried getting Dad to use my way to resolve differences but he'd rather we used his way. If you can't beat them join them."

You are currently teaching your children awful lessons about a woman's place, i.e. pandering to men when they behave badly.

If you want him to stop wiping his feet on you you'll have to get up off the floor.

[Seeingadistance]

I used to be married to a sulker. Like a pp with similar, I regret not leaving him earlier.

The final straw for me was when he simply stopped talking to me and sustained that for the best part of a month. Towards the end of that month, I went away for a work conference, confided in friends there and decided that the marriage was over. I reckoned he sensed that change in me, and when I was back home he was talking again - but too late!

It was months before I found out why he'd stopped talking to me, but eventually he said it was because he'd tidied the bedroom and I'd messed it up again. He had removed books I was reading for imminent exams, and I found them and put them back, neatly and out of sight, at my side of the bed. Months later, with us living separately and our DC living between two homes, he still thought his behaviour was justified and that I was in the wrong.

OP, this is no way to live. You and your DC are walking constantly on eggshells.

[CottonTailRabbit]

Ha! Of course he was cheery. You had to shut the fuck up. You had every right to be wound up and emotional. But no. You have to suck it up. Only you have to manage your emotions. He gets to spoil your birthday then use special techniques to stop getting upset if you complain except those tools are tools for you to swallow the hurt and position yourself for more. What's the point in that?

[mikado1]

I do disagree with giving the silent treatment back, only because it further entrenches the situation. I have sometimes said lightly 'Is anything wrong?' 'No', 'Well good, please don't act like there is'. That has worked as it's v clear, spit it out or get over it.

[jamaisjedors]

This is hard. You all have really good points.

I often feel I can't take it any more but then it all gets better and life is ok/good and I feel selfish and flakey for having wanted out.

What on earth would I say to people/the kids?

I left because he sulked?

I know I sound pathetic, I'm not sure if can admit to myself that I have tolerated this for so long.

Everyone who knows me thinks of me as a very strong and successful person, why have I made such a mess of this?

[CottonTailRabbit]

Long term mental cruelty. Deliberately spoiling special events. Refusal to go to marriage counselling. Finally had enough.

[mikado1]

It is hard because as a one off, it's not end your marriage material and there are good times buy it's when it's a definite thing that as well as getting you down, it effects your feelings for him (?) and it's depressing to think of it recurring over and over.

[jamaisjedors]

That is exactly it Mikado1.

It is wearing me down and I think has eroded myself confidence so I believe him when he says the problem is me manipulating him.

[CottonTailRabbit]

You didn't make a mess. He did.

You have to do something if you want things to change.

Whatever the change it will hurt. He clearly enjoys the power. He will resist it being taken from him. Do you have the nerve to rock the boat?

[jamaisjedors]

And because of the mega sulks in the past I tend to panic and go into a tailspin when one starts so I'm not capable of heading it off with humour etc.

[CottonTailRabbit]

Heading it off! Managing the bad man. Nope.

Mega sulks?

Panic?

That's extreme. What's the panic about? What has he trained you to expect?

[jamaisjedors]

CottonTailRabbit I think I need to find the nerve.

I don't want things to blow up right now just before Christmas but I don't want to leave it either.

I will ask him for a slot to sit down and chat by the weekend.

I am seeing my counselor again in January so can also talk things through with her which will help.

Am sick of feeling like this and wasting time googling flats to rent etc and then never going through with it..

[jamaisjedors]

I expect a total freeze out of anything up to a week or more

[jamaisjedors]

I don't know what the panic is about, the therapist also asked me that.

[CottonTailRabbit]

Chat? Really. What about this situation is not working for him? It's working great for him. Why would a chat solve it?

Perhaps you have never ever mentioned it before? So he has no clue? Hence a nice chat to point it out?

Or fear of actually doing something is so great you panic and resort to pleading him to be nice. Again.

[Graphista]

"Does he feel ignored?
That he doesn't have a voice?
Does he come last after the job, the kids?

How did his family handle conflict ?

He does have lots of good points , but , like a lot of men finds communication difficult.

But he's just pushing his feelings down.

Sulking / workaholic etc.

It can be turned round ...." Misogynist apologist much?!!!

NONE of that is ANY justification for such behaviour EVER!

Wtf!

Men have ears, mouths and brains too! It's no harder for them to communicate than any other adult!

"I often feel I can't take it any more but then it all gets better and life is ok" cycle of abuse - just as he senses you've about had enough switches back on the charm!

[Ooogetyooo]

Why are you so bothered what people think ? Jesus you don't need to explain yourself to others .
My mum lived like you have described my Dad was a classic sulker and me and my brother lived with it for years . Awful . Don't kid yourself that your kids don't notice .i willed my mum to leave my dad and fantasised what it would be like if they divorced . The house was a nicer environment when he was working late and we didn't have to tiptoe around him .
She stayed with him because she thought it best for us kids . I can tell you it was the worst decision ever . He eventually had an affair after 30 years marriage and she finally got some gumption and self respect and left him .

[CottonTailRabbit]

A nice quiet week. Could be nice. DVD box set. Wine. Couple of nights out. How could you make it really extra nice for yourself. You know, really go out of your way to have a good time.

[ChristmasFlary]

What on earth would I say to people/the kids

Again l was in the same situation and l know l wouldn't have left. Even after l found out about the OW l still suggested counselling. Thankfully he refused and he is now living with her.

I'll be completely honest in that l feel thankful that he has gone as our marriage had been over for years and actually... him having the affair has put me in a better "place" as l gained a lot of support from friends who were disgusted with him....

Not sure I'd have had the same level of support if I'd decided to just leave.

Sorry OP, I'm not helping at all.

What l do know is that this last 1.5yrs has been one of the most fulfilling l have had. I have experienced and done thing's l would never have if I'd still been with Mr Stroppy Pants. I barely went out as l couldn't be hassled with his strops about not being able to exercise as he had the boys etc. My anxiety has dramatically reduced and l feel such a sense of achievement in stuff l do as previously l was always told how l wouldn't cope without him.

I dont know what the future holds but Life is currently really good and I'm thankful for that

[RyderWhiteSwan]

And because of the mega sulks in the past I tend to panic and go into a tailspin when one starts

He's really done a number on you. Conditioned you to fear The Great Sulk instead of treating it with the contempt it deserves.

[Cambionome]

Sounds exactly like my exh. Living like this just erodes your confidence and happiness - don't put up with it for almost 30 years like me!