Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

[mikado1]

It sounds too familiar... What ages are the DC? I also regret letting things go as far as they have for me.. too much regret.

[jamaisjedors]

DC are 11 and 14. to off training but it's not far from the truth.

[blackteasplease]

Exh really ruined my 31st birthday with a sulk. I hadn't celebrated 30th as I was giving birth to dd.

My parents made a big effort to look after 1yo dd foe my 31st and we booked a hotel and restaurant etc. He just decided I deserved to have my bday ruined and sulked all evening.

[swingofthings]

He said you were ungrestful, why? Frankly if I madea big effort for my partner and indeed acted ungrateful, I too would be sulking. Then again, I wouldn't stay with my partner if indeed he was ungrestful and couldn't be bothered to ask why I was upset.

[BlingLoving]

Was he sulking because you guys had an argument and he felt you needed to throw yourself at his feet in abject apology? or does he just sulk because he's feeling a bit irritable and is happy to let you deal with it? Not that either is okay, but I think there are slightly different ways to deal with it.

if it's the first, you need to make it clear to sulkers that either the argument is over and you've both apologised/accepted apologies/whatever seems appropriate and if he can't act like an adult you're going to ask him to take his sulking elsewhere and stop ruining things for the kids

If the latter, you make it clear that if he's not feeling great about things, the mature thing is to tell you that he's struggling and needs a break for a very short time. You agree you'll give him that break. Then you both agree that he will get over it.

I tend to get very sarcastic/ passive aggressive with sulkers too. "Oh SulkerTwat, would you like a cup of tea? I can see you're so depressed. Your life is very hard. How do you cope?" etc. I can't bear a sulker.

Obviously, the perfect way to deal with a sulker is to ignore them. But almost impossible with a partner. I had a flatmate who liked to sulk. I just used to pretend it wasn't happening when we were together (wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of me being upset) and/or make slightly irritable statements that made it clear I noticed and was annoyed not scared/hurt/worried. And then I'd take myself off and do something fun or whatever. Not so easy if DH was the sulker (he's not)

[BlingLoving]

I would also tell the kids, in his hearing, that there's no need to pander to his moods. if he's sulking, they shouldn't be responsible for chivvying him along, "Don't worry darlings, daddy's a grown up so don't worry if he's in a bad mood. It's his problem, not yours. Why don't you carry on with your game and ignore him...."

[Grannyannex]

My victor meldrew is huffy in front of the kids but not myself. We all hate it and it’s so passive aggressive. Strange that he can’t do it in front of me but is huffy with the kids. The kids and I try to see the funny side of his behaviour but he really does know how to suck the joy out of life.

[Iloveacurry]

Can he explain why he felt you were ungrateful and how you ruined the weekend?

[mikado1]

The thing is once you start ignoring, and I do, I won't pander anymore, Yi stop engaging and damage is done anyway. It's not good to not care if there is something wrong but once there's a sulk or a 'nothing' when asked what's wrong, I resent it and switch off/stop caring. And that's caused by the sulker full stop. How can it no effect the kids really? It's an atmosphere and it's horrible.

[BlingLoving]

I resent it and switch off/stop caring I think this is very true. That twattish flat mate and I landed up having a huge fall out eventually and we are not even vaguely friends now. We talk politely at the odd social event at which we cross paths but that's it. Hilariously, I always get the sense she'd like to be better friends again. But I'm just not interested.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?.

I would ignore him when he sulks; the responsibility here for his sulk is all his.

I would think long and hard about your future within this relationship because sulking is really another form of emotional abuse here. This is being done because he wants to punish you for some slight you have done to him. This will indeed have a deleterious effect on your children because they will feel responsible for his moods as well (and indeed they have been). It is a highly damaging environment to raise them in. So no, it is not ridiculous at all to think about leaving him even though you've been married a long time. Do not let sunken costs here keep you with such a manchild.

At the heart of the problem is the inability to articulate feelings. The sufferer withdraws, and sulking becomes the preferred form of communication. He is not going to change here; this on some level works for him. Only you can change how you react to him.

[mikado1]

Agree completely Attila.

[proudmummywife]

No its torture being giving silent treatment. My dh done this for 2 days when we had our first child. I never left baby more than 5 minutes I walked out and went visiting to he started worrying and ringing me and texting. 5 hours later I walked back in and told him if he ever treated me like that again I wouldn't be back. 6 years ago and he hasn't. To me it was a control thing and he knew how much it tortured me mentally so I played him at his own game that he doesn't have that control.
Nobody should have to get used to that it is horrible walking on egg shells arou d a partner.

[Prestonsflowers]

Swingofthings
Are you the op’s DH?

Op, as he has admitted he is sulking to punish you,then I would think seriously about whether I wanted to continue the relationship. Attlia’s post is spot on

[Aquamarine1029]

In a nutshell, you husband is a passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive man child. Do you really want to waste another 20 years living like this?

[Ellie56]

He sounds like hard work OP. And your boy is already copying him. Time to leave.

[jamaisjedors]

To reply to the ungrateful bit, here is what DH did for the weekend:
Organised a gift and card from him and the DC
Helped make sandwiches for the train
Booked lunch for the Sunday (with a family member of his that he wanted to see)

I booked train tickets and researched and booked the accommodation and researched and booked theatre tickets for one evening because he said he wanted to go to the theatre.
I booked a flat near the museum I wanted to visit.
Where things went wrong was when he suggested at the last minute going to a different museum which suited his interests (not mine at all) and I said two museums in one day would be too much for the DC and for him (bad back) and that I would rather go to the one I had originally chosen.

Cue total shutdown. No reply next morning when I asked him if he was ok or if I could get him anything, and then he went out of his way to avoid Me for the rest of the day by staying in bed til 6pm.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do you want to continue this relationship jamais?

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from the two of you?. Is this really the model of a relationship they should be seeing and in turn learning from?

What are you getting out of this?. What is still keeping you with this man?.

[FruminousBandersnatch]

So his sulk was over not getting to go to the museum he wanted?



Words fail me. I bet your children don’t behave like that. He is totally manipulating you and it’s affecting your whole family. Sorry OP, it must be miserable.

[jamaisjedors]

That is the question I'm asking myself now Atilla.

Aside from the sulking, he is intelligent, interesting, we're interested in a lot of the same things, trustworthy, a good hands on dad, gives good advice, is excellent at DIY, and I'm still attracted to him after 20+ years.

[Sparklfairy]

It was your bloody birthday! Of course you should choose the museum. Spoilt manchild

[BlingLoving]

Oh god, so you didn't even have a major blow out? he's sulking because he didn't get his way on something ridiculously minor?
I'm not normally a fan of the LTB theme, but I have to agree with Attila - what are you getting out of this relationship?

[jamaisjedors]

Fruminous, when I talked this over with my counselor, she said it could have been anything that tipped him over, bad coffee, wrong restaurant etc.

It is a bad time of year for him (us) at work and so I think he was already resenting going away so it was inevitable this would happen.

[jamaisjedors]

No blow out, no argument at all, just sudden silence.
His family don't make anything of birthdays so I think he already thought I was a spoilt brat before we even went there.

[jamaisjedors]

Was I perhaps unreasonable to have suggested this weekend seeing as I know it's a bad time of year?
On the other hand it's the one year anniversary of a parent's death and I just really wanted to get away.
I think a deeper issue is that he is a workaholic and resents anything which forces him to take time off - I normally accommodate this but didn't want to this year.