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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
mazv1953 · 11/12/2018 23:33

Oh God that would rive me NUTS! I can't stand kids sulking let alone a grown man. I've no idea how you have coped for this long ...

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/12/2018 06:58

Springdaff I always said if he hit me I would leave immediately.

But this morning (and overnight) I am realising just how much I change to avoid his moods.

For example if he wants to go to bed early, say 9pm, if I go up any later he will huff and say I disturb him.

But if I go to bed early he comes up when he feels like it.

If I watch something in bed and he comes up, I have to turn it off immediately otherwise he'll go into a sulk the next day or that night.

Is this normal compromise in a marriage? Really doubting myself here Confused

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 12/12/2018 07:07

No it isn’t normal compromise. What does he compromise on for you? Or is it all you not upsetting him?

FestiveNut · 12/12/2018 07:09

Have you tried meeting sulk with sulk? Obviously be normal with the kids, but silent treatment him right back and see how long it takes him to notice?

In answer to your question, no it's not normal.

Comeandhaveago · 12/12/2018 07:14

Omg get out!!!
This is exactly how my XDH was.
Always turned it round to be my fault so for years I doubted myself.
Best thing I ever did was to finally lose it and get rid. No more walking on eggshells for the kids or I. They have a better relationship with him now actually. They love him but can absolutely see him for what he is. They see his behaviour a lot more now as I bent over backwards to protect them from it for years but they just accept that, and as they don’t have it all the time it is a lot healthier for them imo

MyArris · 12/12/2018 07:15

I've lived like this. It's soul destroying, exhausting and breeds resentment. I had to get out for my own sanity.

The way you are living is not normal. It's his way or no way. Very controlling and you've been conditioned to accept it.

I hope he changes or you get out. Flowers

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/12/2018 07:15

I'm sure he would say he compromises on things but I don't see it (he would say that is the problem in our relationship).

As for sulk with sulk, I am being pretty distant at the moment but don't see how I can ask him to stop if I start doing it (see above post at 19.40.

OP posts:
Emptyspace · 12/12/2018 07:44

Definitely don’t agree that you should also sulk. That makes you as bad as him and not fair on the children.

Having said that, you have to leave him to it and carry on as normal as if you try to talk to him or plead with him to get him out of it, it probably won’t work. Well it never did with my Exh. He will only come round in his own time.

My actual advice (based on being with a sulker for 15 years) is give him an ultimatum telling him you can’t live like this or you will leave but of course you have to absolutely mean it.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 12/12/2018 08:37

I was in a 4 year relationship with a man who used to freeze me out....i remember being out at his Xmas works do in London 2 years ago....we were in a Chinese restaurant and he decided to ignore me for the rest of the evening....when we left the Chinese to walk to the theatre he marched off ahead and left me to walk on my own....everyone else was walking in couples...arms round each other etc....i felt so alone...i could feel tears coming...it was truly awful...he then snapped at me in the theatre because he said i looked miserable ( i wonder why)...
This was a pattern in our relationship and it always seemed to happen somewhere where i couldnt leave and was stuck there as he had driven etc...
Awful man and i pity his next gf.

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2018 08:57

He's not physically hurting you but he's emotionally damaging you. Its still abusive

LizzieSiddal · 12/12/2018 09:17

You say he compromises too, great but if he didn’t compromise do you feeeze him out and sulk for days on end?
No, you don’t. So he doesn’t have to compromise because he’s frightened of your behaviour like you do.

My father was a sulker, though not as bad as your H. However it still meant we ALL modified our behaviour to make sure he didn’t sulk. I’ve just had counselling at the age of 53, and my counsellor made me see that I was actually afraid of my dad and this meant I have low self esteem and very little confidence in my own opinions, because I was too afraid to speak out about anything as a child.

In your position I’d insist he went to therapy, so he can work out why he sulks and stops it immediately, or it’s divorce. (By the way, you say his parent never argue, is that beacause one of them sulks is the other one is too afraid to “argue” their point?)

Weenurse · 12/12/2018 09:28

Married a silent treatment person. He had learned this from his Dad who used to do this to his Mum.
She would stop feeding his Dad and silent treatment would stop.
I would just say that I was not dealing with a toddler and come back when he was willing to talk.
Married nearly 30 years and he has tried this about 3 times.
Always call him on it.

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 12/12/2018 09:53

OP, Springy is spot on, this is controlling, abusive, coercive behaviour. It's sadistic and he enjoys it. He is a cruel man. Do you think he loves you still? His contempt for you would suggest otherwise.

Behaviours like this frequently correlate with infidelity. If he were to have an affair I assure you that he would paint you as very black to the affair partner and be as cold as ice with you should you discover it. I assure you it will be absolutely your fault if he were to stray - he would have no compunction about smearing your parenting, your qualities as a life partner, and would be ruthless when it comes to money.

I know this because your H and mine were separated at birth, such are their similarities. And one day your DC will turn to you and say 'Mum, why is Dad such a wanker and SO immature?' As mine do. My youngest DD said only last week, 'I love Daddy but I will never, ever marry someone like him.' Sadly you are not alone, as so many of our fellow posters will testify Thanks

stabbypokey · 12/12/2018 10:41

I’ve just left someone like this after living with him for eight months. I wasn’t able to express how I was feeling, it was all about not setting him off. When he was happy, I was so relieved. If I was unhappy, god help me if I tried to express it, I would either get full blown rage, or he would shut down more. It crushes you. Friends couldn’t believe it as I was so in love. I just said he was emotionally abusive, they believed me.

BlingLoving · 12/12/2018 10:50

OP, that level of compromise is not normal, no. I wish DH would come to bed with me more often. But he almost never does. I do not sulk about it because he is a grown man, and as long as he is considerate and quiet when coming to bed (he is), he can go to bed whenever the hell he wants. Ditto, he sometimes askes if he can watch something on the ipad with headphones in the bedroom while I'm sleeping but always insists that I tell him if the light bothers me. On the very odd occasion I have asked him to stop, he has happily gone back downstairs.

Compromise is agreeing to watch a movie you're not a keen on, or doing the dishes immediately after dinner even though you'd prefer to do them in the morning.

And if we go back to the original issue - it was your birthday, you were grieving and he had a meltdown over a museum choice? I can't imagine a situation like that where DH wouldn't have been fussing around me all weekend insisting that we do anything and everything I want....

HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/12/2018 10:55

So it's not about the sulking. He's a controlling fucker all round.
You need to kick his arse out.

Knittink · 12/12/2018 11:03

He sounds really awful. It makes me angry just reading about him! He is an attention-seeking brat. How dare he think he has the right to 'punish' you in this way?! If something is upsetting him he should tell you, not sulk like a toddler. This is not modelling good adult behaviour or a good relationship to your dc.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/12/2018 12:34

Wow - the more you write the worse it gets.
He's actually abusive in lots of ways.
It's just crept up on you and you haven't seen it coming.
Until NOW!
Something tips you over the edge.
It think it's time to get your ducks in a row.
This is not OK.

Dowser · 12/12/2018 12:39

Okay..so you’re having a sulk...enjoy your day..I’m going shopping/ swimming/ walking gym whatever

Let me know when you’re done and I’ll see where I am with my days plan and when I can get back.

Byeee

Do not let him wipe his anger all over you

Miggeldy · 12/12/2018 12:48

He's an abusive controlling sulker.
Please make plans to divorce him.

He'll only get worse.

CottonTailRabbit · 12/12/2018 13:46

What if you stopped trying to avoid setting him off and just lived your life the way you want?

CottonTailRabbit · 12/12/2018 13:48

Sounds like he thinks anything less than your 100% subservience to his needs is you being controlling and difficult.

CottonTailRabbit · 12/12/2018 13:53

With my DH I have never thought if he hit me I would leave immediately.

It isn't a thing for me to make sure I keep him just on the right side of not hitting me. It simply isn't a feature of our relationship.

I guess that you know deep down that the sulking is his easy way of keeping you under total control (even bed times and TV!) so if you don't bend to his will then he will do worse, including violence.

It occurs to me that that belief would be a good reason for you feeling panicked when he starts his carry on. If you don't react right who knows what he'll do next.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/12/2018 14:14

I don't know whether he would or not but having been hit and intimidated a lot in my childhood the fear is there, consciously or subconsciously, when someone expresses anger.

OP posts:
iwantanewusername · 12/12/2018 14:40

If I watch something in bed and he comes up, I have to turn it off immediately otherwise he'll go into a sulk the next day or that night.

This thread is bringing up so many memories - especially this part! My ex was exactly the same. If I was reading a book in bed and he came upstairs, I had to turn my lamp off or read elsewhere. If he was reading and kept me awake, that was fine. If I hurt him accidentally, I would need to keep apologising, if he hurt me, it was either a) it didn't hurt or b) a crappy apology and told to get over it.

Some days he'd talk to me normally and an hour later he would sulk and give me the silent treatment. I would have no idea why. Or he'd come home from work and give me the silent treatment, wouldn't say why or anything.

He sulked when I went out on my hen do, he sulked when planning our wedding and I would just have to deal with everything on my own (stupidly I still married him). He sulked (and laid everything at my feet) when we went through IVF...

A few years ago, the day after my birthday we were out and about, he started sulking, I would try and make conversation, he would ignore me and play on his phone. He badgered me into getting his other phone from our room and said nothing else. We went out to dinner, he would not talk or look at me and was obtuse when talking about what we would order.

Eventually he tells me we should split up, that we want different things etc, at first I felt awful - like it was my fault, but I realised it was him. So I stood up for myself for the first time, agreed that we should split up. He had the audacity to ask why I wasn't fighting for us?! Idiot.

I grew up in a house where my dad sulked and my mum pandered to him, she would apologise, cook his favourite food etc. so it was normal for me.

Like you OP, I walked on egg shells for years, I changed my behaviour so as not to piss him off and he did hit me (and was intimidating) a few times over the years, which meant that I modified my behaviour even more. I also looked forward to when he would go away with work as I had peace and wasn't worried.

He's gone now and there is relief, coming home and knowing there is no one at home but me is amazing. Luckily we couldn't have children so I never have to see him again.