Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

[CottonTailRabbit]

What form does the panic and tailspin take?

[mikado1]

It is a cycle Graphista, you're right and that's why it's so hard, you're almost trying to keep track of the rights and wrongs to justify your feelings. I keep cheerful when I see the cloud coming, ignoring it etc but it feels like everything is a charade then and I wake up the next morning as if nothing has happened even tho in fact issues or difficulties should be discussed and dealt with! Totally get the pp who said the affair made it easier, it's like you need him to mess up hugely and then you know you'd drop him but... In the meantime your life and your DC are being effected.

[CottonTailRabbit]

What are the triggers for sulks? What has he trained you to do / not do?

[mikado1]

Jamaisjedors I've moved mine to Relationships.

[jamaisjedors]

Ha good question.

Not see certain friends or one in particular, although actually there is also a family member I don't see much anymore either.

He quite often sulks when I go out but denies it and I made a decision a while ago to ignore that and go anyway .

[SantyClaws]

Don't the marriage vows include 'love, honour and cherish' ?

And here he is emotionally abusing you because he didn't get his own way. Again.

He's not a nice man, and he doesn't deserve a loving wife.

[jamaisjedors]

Panic is I keep really busy but feel gutted inside

For example at the weekend while he was sulking I went out and did loads of stuff with the DC but didn't enjoy it because if this feeling of dread.

[jamaisjedors]

There is certainly not much cherishing

[Graphista]

I witnessed/continue to witness my mother putting up with so much bullshit for "a quiet life" but she doesn't ever get a quiet life as there's always SOMETHING she does "wrong" even tone of voice she uses!

They've been together nearly 50 years and we used to beg her to leave, at one point my uncles tried to physically prevent her going back to him and taking us too (her family I learned as an adult had even offered for us to be raised by my aunt instead which would have been much better for us) she tricked them and took us all back middle of night.

My relationship with my parents and siblings as a result is highly dysfunctional and very complex. I'm Nc with my sister who is turning into my dad, sans physical violence (to my knowledge) in her home. Bro and I don't talk much, we've never fallen out as such I think it's just most of our shared memories are bloody miserable! I've been Nc at points with both parents and dad. Currently v low contact.

Mum, while yes she was/is a victim also had choices, support & resources (which many don't) and made the wrong ones imo. It's bad enough staying with an abusive spouse when its you they're abusing directly it's quite another allowing your children to also be abused.

I get very annoyed (and this op hasn't done this) when OP'S try and claim they're hiding their marital issues from their kids and the kids are not suffering - it's bullshit & denial. Kids are not stupid. They hear, they see you flinch, tense up, bite your tongue, they sense the atmosphere.

This can mean they too grow up to be abusers or victims.

[Skittlesandbeer]

He’s a Dementor, isn’t he? Like the ones from Harry Potter?

He’d like to see himself (and be comforted for) being a victim, and he thinks it’s ok to use sulking because it’s harder for anyone to call out his behaviour as vicious or angry ‘What? I’m not doing anything?’ but he’s actually a dementor. Sucking the joy out of everyone, stopping any plans in their tracks, making the household prisoner to his mood. Hovering menacingly over the family, you never know when you’re going to be targeted or for how long.

Watch the movie with him. Leap off the sofa at the first sign of dementors and say ‘O God, Terry, that’s you last weekend!!’

After the movie, tell him seriously that you see him that way, and that he is leaving you with no choice but to make changes that protect you and the kids from a life like that.

Tell him you are booking 6 couples therapy appointments, and unless he can find a way to change his approach to showing anger in that time, you’re outta Azkaban for good. Make the appointments and text him the time & place. Don’t ‘discuss’ going to counselling. This is not about preferences, it’s about last chances to keep a family in tact.

Good luck to you.

[jamaisjedors]

You're right and this worries me.

I think I kind of ignored it because it wasn't like when I was growing up with screaming marches etc and us being petrified of my dad. DH is nothing like that.

But I do know this is having an impact on what they see as a healthy relationship.

On the hand, even if I do go, he will still be their dad and they will still see him 50%of the time.

[jamaisjedors]

about the dementor!

Actually last year there was a character like him on reality TV (non UK) who the kids pointed out was like their dad - v independent and single minded and hard working but impossible to live with in a group because he never compromised.

DH went nuts (into a sulk) and accused me of turning the kids against him and also told me I should take a hard look at myself and that I was like the most hated character on there - game playing and manipulative.

[RyderWhiteSwan]

But they will see you as strong woman who decided not to be a spectator in her own life.

[ChristmasFlary]

Mine see their Dad EOW. But as he is now with the "love of his life" he is happier and l most certainly am!! Which makes the emotional surroundings for the boys better

[RyderWhiteSwan]

DH went nuts (into a sulk

Op he is simply another manchild.

[LakeIsle48]

I left a relationship very like yours over 20 years ago. I never told anyone about his behaviour one day my dad rang and was chatting away. He asked me how exh was and I blurted out that he hadn't spoken to me for almost two weeks.

My dad went mad and told me in no uncertain terms that it was abuse. I think I had got used to it or was just permanently terrified of it happening. He used to do it in company too but in a way that nobody but me noticed. He would be so nice to everyone and freeze me out.

Shortly after the conversation with my dad I left him. We had 2 very young children. Things were fine when they were young. When the became pre teens he started that bullshit with them. Well I flipped. I told the kids exactly what was going on and told my EXH it wouldn't be continuing.

When they would go to stay at his I would talk to the kids on the phone. If he was sulking I would drive over and collect them. His sulking was an open conversation and that actually took a lot of his power away.

It was hell to live with. It's hurting you and the children. I beg you to tell him it's not continuing and if it does you are going to take legal advice about divorcing him.

A father recently shot his wife and daughter in England and the surviving sons said their father was abusive and sulked forever. They had no lives. Please deal with this, it won't get better by itself.

[ISdads]

I grew up in a shouty horrible house. My ex sulked. I felt this utter utter panic and fear, very bizarre. I think I was conditioned by my childhood to be a total people pleaser and appeaser, and that was why it was such.an effective weapon against me. Ironically, I would have left a shouter much earlier, as I knew I wouldn't tolerate that.
Good luck op xx

[Zofloramummy]

I remember what this feels like. My ex was a champion sulker, he ruined my 40th birthday, threw my cards in face and wouldn’t speak to me all day. All because I dared to have a different opinion about what to do that day!!

I fortunately chucked him out before we were due to get married. I can remember feeling really happy when he was in a good mood and I bent over backwards to make sure he was. He used his temper and his sulks as a control method, of me, my dd and his ds. He also blamed me for his behaviour. If I hadn’t done, not done, said, etc then he wouldn’t have been upset by it. So his behaviour became my fault.

He was by far the most damaging individual I have ever had the misfortune to meet. I won’t forget the uneasy feeling in my stomach (dread) about what mood he would be in that day. The sheer frustration of trying to rationalise with him, the anger I felt at his behaviour, and the way I used to try to please him.

When I ended the relationship my family weren’t surprised, they were relieved. They saw through his good guy act.

We get one life, don’t just survive it, you deserve to enjoy it.

[CottonTailRabbit]

Why do you need to be kept away from that friend and that family member? Are they the type to put up with no bullshit perhaps? Are they good at making you feel strong?

[namechange5575]

Btw, yes they'd still spend 50% of the time with him, but it isn't just witnessing his behaviour that's so damaging; it's witnessing you being subservient to him. This teaches them that that's how you interact with bullies. Alternatively you could be teaching them that they can simply say, 'No I don't like this. I don't want to be here,' and walk away.

[RemindMeToMoveTheElf]

My ex would sulk regularly in the early days, then (I now think) grew out of it because he had me in a role, and his evolved into the ‘I’ll explain very slowly why your behavior is unacceptable’ type of patriarchal disapproval. Now that we are separated, he has reverted to the sulking (if I do anything he doesn’t like) and I still have to deal with it, but I don’t have to LIVE with it. Sulkers are vampires; they create a vacuum that makes communication impossible. They are emotionally manipulative. They are very difficult to deal with.

[springydaff]

It has nothing to do with anything at all - except he enjoys abusing you, it makes him feel good. The big man

It has nothing at all to do with his work, or his childhood, or ptsd, or you, or feeling left out/second place to the kids, or worries or fears, or immaturity, or inability to express emotionsNo, he does it bcs he likes torturing you. He really gets off on the power of it.

If you want something to tell others when you leave him, tell them he is a domestic abuser. Would you prefer it if he hit you rather the sustained agony of the silent treatment? At least if he hit you it would be over quickly and you'd have tangible evidence that he is an abuser. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse.

Contact your local Women's Aid to form a plan of escape. They are the experts, they know their stuff. They will confirm that what he's doing is recognised domestic abuse.

They week recommend you do the Freedom Programme. If you find it difficult to accept he is an abuser, go along to the course in person.

God you've been through it. Your suffering is nearly over

[springydaff]

Don't have counselling with an abuser.

It's really important you work with Women's Aid bcs abusers know/sense when you're breaking free and that's when things can get dangerous. You need a plan and you need strategies eg DONT tell him you are planning to leave him. Women's Aid can coach you every step of the way.

[springydaff]

Can get dangerous

OR

they such you back in. Until the next time - ALWAYS a next time.

If you're definitely leaving and won't be sucked back in THEN things can get dangerous. Abusers are volatile and don't like losing.

[springydaff]

*suck you back in