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Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

(447 Posts)
Lilacpink40 Fri 17-Feb-17 09:47:48

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

Lilacpink40 Fri 17-Feb-17 09:51:11

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

Lilacpink40 Fri 17-Feb-17 09:54:22

Link for background support (please add your own ideas and survivor tips too!)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814536-Useful-information-and-links-for-people-dealing-with-narcissistic-or-difficult-ex-partners

Natsku Fri 17-Feb-17 10:00:57

Thanks for the new thread Lilac

pudding21 Fri 17-Feb-17 10:18:13

Morning lovely ladies. I hope everyone is good.

I am looking for advice. I only left on Saturday and moved house (leaving EA OH). I am exhausted, I know that but very very emotional. He's in my head, every minute of every day. Not thinking I want to get back together with him, but how long does this go on for. I am super tearful, angry, sad sad

I feel like the kids are taking it out on me, as OH is the cool one who went out and bought a Play station 4 for when they go over. He isn't working, so he has lots of time to devote to them. I am working full time and trying to hold shit together.

He is being super nice. Like unbelievably supportive. He has told friends it was his fault. He is to blame. I think it would be easier if he was angry and bitter. Now I just feel even more fucking sad that he couldn't be nice to me for the last 3 years, and its messing with my head.

Is this normal? How long does it last?

By the way, i haven't managed to read the whole threads, but if you have time can you tell me a bit of your story I would be happy to hear!

Thanks in advance.

Natsku Fri 17-Feb-17 10:53:07

It'll probably last until the first time things don't go the way he wants them to, so the first time you disagree about a visit timing, or when you ask for child support, or when you turn him down when he tries to get you back. He's trying to act like the nice guy in the hope that you'll change your mind - the moment you go back he'll be back to his old ways. Once he realises for sure that its over he'll probably start playing the victim.

Try not to worry about the kids having more fun at dad's, its just the disney dad stuff, as they get a bit older they'll realise which parent actually cared for them.

My story is that my ex is quite severely mentally ill now (before it wasn't so bad, he has his ups and downs but when he got prescribed cannabis for back pain it pushed him over the edge into proper psychosis) so right now DD doesn't see him as he refuses to come to supervised visits. He's obviously angry about this and is trying to hurt me to get back at me, by accusing me of abusing her (he did it before when I first left him and now he's doing it again), by refusing consent for everything, by telling DD that I'm a bad mum and I'm breaking the law yadda yadda yadda. DD is a smart kid, she understands pretty well now but the gaslighting got really bad the last time she spoke to him and she started asking me "What if daddy is right and everyone else is wrong?"

mylifeisamystery Fri 17-Feb-17 10:58:21

My ex is nice until I disagree with him about our DD. For instance he took her to a quiz night at a pub until 10pm with his gf. When DD told me I text him to say it was not appropriate to take DD to a pub and I called him selfish, he then told me I was trying to control him!! Surely an absent father should spend time bonding with his child instead of getting drunk in a pub?
Hey ho what do I know..

pudding21 Fri 17-Feb-17 14:42:44

Natsku: sounds like you had an absolute nightmare and are still having. Was there problems in the relationship well before his psychotic episode? I wonder whether exOH has mental health issues (more than mild depression). He has anti depressants for about a year, they didn't make much difference to be honest and he just stopped them.............Or it might just be the drinking.

mylifeisamystery: he also sounds like a nightmare!! 10pm in a British pub. No way. I live overseas and here its common for the kids to be out late at night (sometimes until 2-3 am if there is a festa), but the atmosphere is so different to the UK.

I hope you don't mind me joining. I'm not sure exOH is a narc or not, but maybe I am terribly naiive.

Thanks for the reassurance about disney dad. Its inevitable we have contact, so I am happy to try keep it civil for now. I'm a bit of a mess though sad

Natsku Fri 17-Feb-17 15:50:43

Yeah there were problems were before. He had had delusional episodes while we were together (he thought our neighbours were demons/witches trying to harm him and DD!) and he was abusive, mostly emotionally and psychologically with some physical abuse. Abused prescription drugs too - whenever I'd be prescribed strong painkillers he'd take about half of them. And he was/is very gifted at gaslighting, I thought everything was my fault for so long.

Your ex sounds like a wanker at least so definitely welcome to join!

Lilacpink40 Fri 17-Feb-17 17:45:09

Pudding the Disney Dad "I'm so great" routine is a highlight of a difficult ex/narc. They would rather confuse already upset DCs and appear better rather than be level-headed and give DCs normal stability. Hold onto your commonsense as much as you can and eventually you'll notice your DCs appreciating the truth. It's hard for DCs but age approriate truth is normal, relationshops are allowed to end. A year on my 10yr old will say that she can't be honest with her dad as he isn't honest with her.

I'll introduce you to my ex...he's a shiny golden beacon of perfection, to be adored and worshipped. We all walk below his wisdom and intellectual superhero powers. Oh yes and he held me in a position of guilt for the last decade we were together and had an affair with OW for last 6 months. He did it so it wasn't wrong as he can't be wrong. I've now given up trying not to hate him as I've really he's so twisted that it takes me more energy to try to see the good. I don't fully actively hate him, it's his behaviour that is often vile. There are signs that he's struggling with OW (now GF) but I'd like her to stick it out until DCs in teens as she keeps him busy. Eldest has asked if she can opt not to see him when she's older. I've said it's something she should think carefully about and I'll back her all the way.

Lilacpink40 Fri 17-Feb-17 17:50:58

Mylife how unreasonable of you to make demands on your ex's drinking routines. Whilst merry he probably bought her a good few pints of coke and as many crisps as she could face...
...no actually I wouldn't be happy either! angry at him.

EmilyRosanne Fri 17-Feb-17 18:18:38

Hi everyone! grin

pudding be strong, me and exP almost split a few years back, we were seperated for a few months and he spent that time saying how much he regretted the way he had treated me, missed us so much, was all his fault blah blah. I took him back but all the old habits set in pretty quickly. I'm also with you on the 'disney dad'. He lets DS play PlayStation all day, orders take aways for dinner, takes loads of pictures to plaster on social media. Drives me mad as he is not there when they need him (DS had a violent two day sickness bug where I barely held it together with the baby to also care for) he was much too busy to help...

mylife cannot believe he would think the pub at that time of night is a suitable place for a young child shock and what kind of quality time is that for your DD to tag along with dad and his GF on their evening out.

lilac he sounds horrendous! It would be karma for things to go south with the OW but I'm sure he would give you more hassle given eve

EmilyRosanne Fri 17-Feb-17 18:21:19

Posted too soon!

would give you more hassle given extra time so fingers crossed they stay in the relationship worth splitting up a family for. That must of been an awful time for you sad

WN's mum dropped off some bits for the children today and she actually cried and said how ashamed and dissapointed she is of him for how he has been and cannot believe the things he's done. I felt better that someone else has recognised his twattish ways!

greencarbluecar Fri 17-Feb-17 19:55:08

Hello everyone, just checking in to say I'm here, I've been trying to catch up and thinking of everyone. Things are tough here at the moment and I get paranoid that I'll rant and out myself, but I'll get back to posting properly when I'm back up to strength.

Thanks for the new thread lilac. I like the new title, the exh part did worry me before I decided to wade in on the first thread regardless.

To everyone struggling - echo that old mantra at the end of the last thread. You didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't control it. It's not your fault and it can happen to anyone. flowers

Tracey300884 Fri 17-Feb-17 19:55:25

So he has a Caution for Neglect after leaving our 5 week old baby in the house alone. Jaw dropping abuse. He ends up leaving me for someone else. I now have a Non-Mol & a Prohibitive Steps Order. And he no longer wants to see his daughter at all. Yet here I am, missing him so much and crying myself to sleep over it. What the HELL is wrong with me??? envysad

nicenewdusters Fri 17-Feb-17 19:57:34

Hi Pudding As others have said, it is a roller coaster of emotions. I felt like a film of what had happened was running in my head constantly, for about the first couple of months. Then I noticed I was thinking about it less. Life moved on a bit, new people, places, experiences, etc.

I did pretty much live in denial for the first year or so. Not denying what had happened, but how I felt. I got on with the practicalities. Then, once things had calmed down, the emotions and tears came. Now, it can take me by surprise, I'll have a down day. But mainly it's something remembered, an "anniversary", a song etc, that can throw me for a bit.

My dc don't have the Disney Dad experience, but I do remember feeling like the villain when he first left. They saw him as the victim, it was all poor old dad. I was always honest with them though, and ultimately they came to understand that I was/am the one that they talk about things too. They love him but they're not close - as far as I see. He never opens up, and tries to act like I don't exist, therefore much of his life is closed off to them.

My back story. Mainly a happy and fun relationship. A few cracks appeared (mainly for me) but nothing major. Then, his father, a text book Narc, blew our relationship out of the water. It involved several members of my extended family, causing a huge rift between various people. My ex was spectacularly useless. So influenced by his dad over so long he couldn't deal with it (not that that excuses him). He became nasty, aggressive and spiteful towards me. He just thought I'd sweep it under the carpet.

Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship previously, I had the tools and insight to get out. I had a "meeting" with his father who made an utter arse of himself. I went n/c with him. We limped on for about a year then I asked him to leave. Hardest thing I've ever done but the right thing.

nicenewdusters Fri 17-Feb-17 20:08:19

Apologies Lilac, meant to say thanks for starting the new thread.

Hi Green Had been wondering how you were. Sorry things are still tough. I like that mantra.

Tracey Welcome. There's nothing wrong with you, because there's nothing wrong about missing somebody you once loved, especially if you had a child with them. You can't just turn your emotions off - unfortunately ! There's also the sadness for what might have been. It is hard, but it sounds like you had no choice but to do what you did.

BananaTricycle Fri 17-Feb-17 21:26:37

Hello,

I'm new to this thread and new to this concept. I had the word 'narcissist' said for the first time by Women's Aid, and the more I've looked into it, the more it seems true of my ex.

I've got court soon and I'm worried about how he's going to charm and sway the room. I really hope they see through his bullshit.

Natsku Fri 17-Feb-17 22:04:20

Hi tracey and banana sorry you have to join us but we're here to lend an ear

theoracleofdelphi Fri 17-Feb-17 22:09:13

I'm new to this group but have read all some of the previous threads.

I recently divorced a Narc who moved away to a big city. He has suddenly announced that he is transgender and plans on gender reassignment. He has changed his name legally to Jennifer Marie & on the last contact weekend with DD aged 7, dressed as a woman and took her out for the day with his new trans friends. He emailed me to tell me all this while she was with him & that she was "fine with it". She came home very distressed and doesn't wish to see him. He has now written to my solicitor insisting that his name is Jennifer Marie in our consent order.

EmilyRosanne Fri 17-Feb-17 22:18:54

Wow theoracle that was nice of him to ease DD into his new lifestyle gently hmm. How old is your DD? I bet she is so confused and upset about it all. flowers

theoracleofdelphi Fri 17-Feb-17 22:23:26

She's 7 and has dumped him as a result!

mathanxiety Sat 18-Feb-17 07:03:58

Thank you all for the welcome.

EmilyRosanne Sat 18-Feb-17 09:25:45

Oh wow your poor DD must be so confused and not really understand what's going on, he could have given you both some time to talk things through before he transitioned and then ease her in gently not introducing her to his new friends blush

Any advice on unreasonable pick up/drop offs? I'm getting increasingly annoying with ex feeling he can do as he pleases, we generally agreed 9am was reasonable on a Saturday, however some mornings he texts and says he's on his way over at 7.30/8 and this morning he 'asked' what time suits me, when I said DC have been up since 6am as every morning he says okay I'll be over 10/10.30 angry I appreciate the extra time with them but it is so annoying feeling he can pick and choose when to see them based around how he feels, I dont want to take it all to court over a few hours but I don't think it's on that he's wasting his very few days with DC lounging around.

Welcome Tracey! I agree, nothing wrong with you, most of the time I can't bear exP and I certainly don't ever want to take him back, but some moments still take me by suprise where I will wonder what he's up to, or miss the happier times. I just try to mentally erase that and remember the unhealthy horrible times we had and imagine my happy future without him smile

Lilacpink40 Sat 18-Feb-17 10:07:32

Welcome everyone new to the thread.
As we've said on previous threads (in case anyone is newer to reading) it often feels like we have experiences with the same man on an emotional level anyhow, he'd have had to travel some distance otherwise! .

That's bad as we've all been manipulated / controlled, but good as we can have each others backs with the coparenting issues we now face. I know I'm a reasonable person, but when faced with 'innocent-faced' torture it's hard not to think "is this me, my fault?".

Sharing on here is good for our sanity. People in RL sometimes don't understand. They may think it's OTT, or that they would have been 'stronger'. Anyone can be manipulated when they have normal emotions and love their partner. It's the person doing the manipulating whom is wrong.

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