Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

Proud hoping visit went well.

Like the poem Lilac

Oh Wanc Narc, do not be so sad
I'm just saying be a decent dad.
Ok, your girlfriend just left school
And you do look like a sad old fool.

Your jeans are tight, your hair is thinning
You have to feel like you are winning.
Your mum, she loves you, you're her treasure
But of you I truly have the measure.

You're scared of life and need an anchor
That's what makes you such a wanker.
But now I've gone, you're just the past
Tie another poor sod to your mast.

Hahaha brilliant dusters 😂

Great poetry ladies!

I just got a text "not having you in my life is tearing me apart. I have never felt so low. I miss you so much, please do not give up on us".

I was going to respond "you should have thought about that before you spent the last three years systematically destroying me to make yourself feel better". i didn't. I just said i am still in your life, its hard for all of us.

I have to see him tonight. This feels like emotional war!

Keep strong Pudding

Brilliant dusters!

Stay strong pudding

Hi my friends, good to be back.
Just checking in for a hand hold as I'm a bit up and down after ANY contact with WN.
Divorced since last Nov, in own home now, doing it up.
Yesterday actually spoke for first time in ages - he is FUCKING FURIOUS that I've put a claim in for child benefit in my name. This is unreasonable because....
^the DC live with me?
He has them every other weekend?
He's never bought uniform or paid for a single School dinner?
I pay for ALL clubs, music lessons, childcare so I can work etc?^

YES!! He actually said that HE NEEDS SONE MONEY TOO BECAUSE HE GIVES THEM MEALS THREE DAYS A FORTNIGHT AND IT COSTS MONEY TO LOOK AFTER THEM.

Is it me?
Help.

He says the maintenance (sketchy at moment) covers all of my costs (yeah right) and that the child benefit is part of his household income..

It was EA and financial control - the Ch Ben has been in his name only for 11 yrs since DC were born.

Hi, I'm sneaking in for a seat at the back. The poems made me laugh!!

I've been separated from my DS's Dad for more than 4 years now - I left after finding out about his 2 years+ affair (I stayed for 3 months after finding out to see if there was a way forward but he continued to blatently see her and pathetically lie about it). He has sent "I love you, my life is nothing with out you..." type texts every few weeks (more at first) for the past 4 years. At least the veiled suicide threats and crying when I picked DS up seem to have stopped now. Unfortunately, him and the OW have split although he still sent the texts and did the crying when they were together.

I really need to get the divorce going and adjust times that he sees DS (he insists on every day but I've managed to wrestle 1 day a week off him). I might need some hand holding and/or a reality check to do it!

He denies having received texts/emails or just ignores them. This week, I've offered by text for him to come round for a coffee and discuss (when DS isn't here) and he has ignored that too. He does everything he can to control me by not giving times for weekend arrangements, not agreeing to my 1 week holiday with DS, making me feel guilty as much as possible, playing the victim and being passive aggressive. I'm going to offer meeting again this week and next and see if he replies then I guess will have to try and discuss via email/text :/.

pudding - ugh so sorry about that texts. Emotional warfare is exactly how it feels!

teabag - that's terrible! It is definitely definitely him and NOT you. You are doing absolutely the right thing getting the CB in your name. Hope you can go back to not needing to speak to him. Can you not answer his calls and just tell him to text instead?

Omg teabay what a complete and utter knob he is.

I can't believe you are paying for everything and he expects to have money to feed them every other weekend.

raspberry what are the arrangements regarding your son? Does he see your ex a few hours everyday or does he stay over with him?

Has it been like this for 4 years?

ontheball
Thank you, I really need to hear that tonight.
Today has been a particularly sht day.

Hope tomorrow is a better day Teabay.

ontheball, yes most days for a couple of hours 5.30-7.30 then overnight on Friday nights till Saturday lunchtime (supposedly) and a few hours Sunday afternoon. Initially - 4 years ago - I took (baby)DS round there most days to try and forge a relationship between them and I sort of shot myself in the foot as he has insisted this continue. He started having an overnight a week when DS was 2.

Teabay what an utter cock! Unless he is a billionaire I highly doubt his maintenance payments go very far towards your 'costs' bringing them up, the child benefit will make that extra difference to you. It is not designed to pay him to feed them on the times he has them

Raspberry is that every weekend. You never get a day alone with your ds, is he in school now?

You could take a look at all the different parenting schedules and go with a few that you would be willing to do. Would you be prepared to have him do more overnights? I do a 50/50 schedule but there are loads of others right down to every other weekend and midweek tea.

Do you have a schedule in mind already? It may be worth sending a letter or email with two or three schedules that you could live with and take it from there. It will give him something to think about.

Thanks ontheball, yes it is nearly every weekend unless I specifically request a whole day/weekend (happens once every few months if I want to go away and it is always stressful getting ex to agree). DS is at school now and I only work 3 days a week so get a some extra holiday days with him. We cram outings in where we can!

Yes, I could definitely come up with some more contact options for him. I've made various suggestions but they're just shot down (without any alternative offered) or mostly ignored. It's a good idea to set out a few options in the same email though.

My latest contact offer was keeping everything exactly as it is but with ex having an extra midweek overnight and me having DS all day Sunday - so not too much change all at once. I have also suggested that we each have one full weekend with DS per month. And I've let him know I'm open to any ideas he has. But no reply :(.

Dusters 😂😂I will be re-reading that poem often soon.

Teabay if you can calculate his weekly wage you can use the online government calculator to work out approximate maintenance rate. I'll see if I can add link soon.

Raspberry have you heard the MN advice to say "that doesn't work for me"?
For example you tell him what will happen next week via an email and hand him a printed version. If he complains you say "that doesn't work for me" and repeat sticking to your guns. It recently helped when my WN demanded a sudden change and DD was distraught. He's since accused me of bribing our DD to not like him, but at least he's backed down from trying to impose change on her.

Calculator for maintenance:
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y/receive

Pudding it feels like an 'emotional war' because he's trying to manipulate you. Only agree to things that benefit you and DC, not to appease him as he'll just twist things further. You are moving further from his hold, which is great for you

Pudding that was great self control not to bite back in response to his email. You wouldn't be telling him anything he doesn't know. Your response avoids a text war, and keeps you firmly on the moral high ground.

Teabay that's an outrageous claim re the child benefit. You are the resident parent, and no doubt bear the majority of the costs towards your dc. I'm sure the added benefit of being in receipt of CB is that it entitles you to National Insurance contributions as well, very important as regards the state pension. Given the part time/lower earnings faced by many mothers, and hence far less opportunity to build a pension, this has always been an important factor.

Raspberry My ex and I share the weekend. He has Friday evening (generally no sleepover). I have Saturday, he has Sunday with (just started) a sleepover. But if one of us needs the whole weekend, or to swap the day, it generally works out.

It seems unfair on you that he has your ds most days from 5.30 to 7.30. This suggests he gets the "best" bits, whereas you get pick up, homework? bath and bed? What about having friends over for tea, or going to clubs. He may be too young for this now but it will happen. He won't want to go to his dads every night.

I presume he lives nearby. If so, could he do school pick up once or twice a week, and drop him back to you for 5.30? At least you then get one or two unbroken evenings a week.

lilac
Thanks. I don't know how much he earns now. Until I filed for divorce last yr he worked part time (as I was the mug with the responsibility for the bills and keeping him in the manner he was accustomed to as well as doing everything else). He went full time as soon as, yet I still paid all childcare and then bills even when I'd moved out! But I'm free and gone now, and boy is he mad...

Dusters I am the one with the salary slightly over the limit for not being entitled to Ch Ben but the account is still in his name. This means that HMRC have chased ME to repay some of the benefit DESPITE me not seeing a penny of it! I've explained to them (we are divorced, have different address etc etc) but it is not my account so Ch Ben won't close it, and HMRC have just taken the money from my salary! It is so fucking unfair!!

WN just says "well they'll never find me" and "you'll be liable, not me so I'm carrying on claiming".

Grrrrrrrr

Teabay I can't understand why they have taken money from your salary when you are divorced and he is claiming the child benefit. That sounds like hmrc have made a massive mistake.

He is being an arse about this, how will they Not find him? Is he claiming it at your address? I can't see how you are lible to pay something back when you don't actually recieve it and it doesn't get paid into your bank account.

Lots of separated/ divorced parents claim for one child each if they share custody to some degree, but I couldn't imagine being chased to pay my exs claim for child benefit if I got a job over the earning threshold for instance.

Its definitely not you teabay he's just a twat trying to con you out of money

Raspberry that contact set up is not fair at all as your child is in school so you are not actually getting much time with your child at all. I would suggest to him something like he can pick up DS every other day from school and bring back at 7pm and you alternate weekends so you each get a full weekend every other week. Its not a huge difference from the current set up but is much more equal in terms of actual parenting time.

Teabay I'm on your behalf what a user he was. Good you don't have him sponging off you anymore, and the debt sounds so unfair. Lots going on here lately so I can't remember if you said if your DC know what a complete twat he's being with regard to finances?