Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

Teabay - That's really really shit that the system is such that you are basically paying him the child benefit amount out of your own pocket! Can you put in a counter claim that YOU are claiming the child benefit then at least you'd have it to pay it back and presumably could then cancel it? Ugh, he is such an arse saying "well, they'll never find me" etc. He is stealing from you! I also paid for everything while ex ran his business and kept everything he made - it seems to make them so entitled.

Nicenewdusters - thanks, it is good to know that others share weekends too. People keep telling me what is "normal" to it is good to hear some real life situations. Yes, he lives very near so I'll definitely suggest the school pick ups to him (which would save me childminding costs too!). Yes, having DS's friends over is hard as I only have one full evening with him a week. Ex just claims he can't bear to go a day without seeing DS. Yes, ex definitely cherry picks the best bits!

Lilacpink - thanks, the "that doesn't work for me" is really helpful and I'll defnitely try that. I like your advice to pudding too of not trying to appease as he'll just twist things further.

Natsku - thanks, that’s a good simple system and I’ll put that as an option to him. No, I don’t get much time with DS but ex seems to think that overnight is enough. It would be so nice to have full weekends!

After a tough few days dealing with exP messing me about with contact and maintenance, a friend sent me this, I think a few of you will be able to see your exPs/exH in there!!

It's only reading things like that do I feel the relief that it isn't my fault and I couldn't have tried any harder to make it work. The lack of empathy is huge for exP, he hated my birthdays, Mother's Day etc. anything that put the attention on me and every occasion like that he would try to ruin. My birthday this year I wanted us all to go to a child friendly day out and when I told him that's what I'd like to do he flat out refused and said I could have chosen something that he would like too .

Lack of empathy - lol!!!

When it was my 40th bday I booked a local venue for a knees up, knowing he wouldn't do anything. He was mean and sniffy about it -"is that the best you can do" etc etc.

A month before, my friends arranged a night out with a couple of special things (a band, cocktail making etc).

I came in, excited, told him - and he simply said "Well what about me? What am I going to do? Why aren't I invited?"

Genuinely outraged and hurt. BTW - I filed for divorce within the week.

Raspberry sending good strong vibes that you push the childcare to a more balanced, fair arrangement he will resist keep pressure on vibes .

Emily thanks for sharing, yes I understand the whole list!

Emily and Teabay how dare you expect special days, anyone would think it was normal for people to be able to put others first! 😂

I am a complete witch of course. Currently it is my fault that I'm legally entitled to child maintenance payments because I have the DCs most of the time (no deductions for shared overnights as below minimum). Apparently WN mentally had been offering to have the DCs for longer, but just didn't say it whilst I spent most of last year asking him to help . Of course it's my fault, he's so intelligent, how could he be wrong?

It's so weird isn't it, completely incapable of having a thought for someone else's feelings . I do feel sorry for the DC as they are stuck with him and worry how his naracissm will affect them.

Teabay he sounds like a delight! That is like their catchphrase "What about me" like an extra child!!

Lilac you mean you haven't learnt to read his mind yet?? what a horrible way for him to look at it, instead of wanting to see his DC longer just using it as a way to pay less.

Im having constant hassle from exP at the mo, he seems intent on messing me around 24/7. He picked DS up from school and was meant to drop him home for 6pm, instead he text asking if I could collect him early then he waited until I was leaving to say actually he would drop him off at 7pm. I text back saying I was already on my way. I'm now having a barrage of abuse as I cut short their time together, am a control freak. I messaged back saying I did that because he asked although it is now making bedtime harder as baby is due a feed blah blah. He said I bring on all my own 'stress' because he offered to drop him off but I just wanted to 'upset' him by taking DS early. It's like there is just no getting through, like a two year old having a tantrum. So draining

Emily its all control, that is all WN's care about, their own feelings and making everyone dance to their tune. If you can help it don't engage with him. Stick to the arrangements, even if it would suit you more to collect DS early, just don't. Don't give him the response he craves, act like he is nothing and not important and feel that warm glow of knowing that it will drive him crazy.

Do you mean that you had the nerve to think that you were allowed to have a life outside of the WN's Emily and Teebay you do know that they are the only people of importance in the whole wide world. You are no allowed to have or do anything that they can't have. Absolute tossers the lot of them.

Not sure who posted about it but on the CB HMRC situation i think you should contact them and check that again. Write to them and advise them of the situation and send them confirmation from CB that you can't close the account as it isn't in your name or being paid to you, that should be evidence enough for them to sever the link-and stop them being able to withdrawn the overpayment from your account.

Thanks red The problem is that the tax years are always behind - currently working on 15/16 so we were married then. I have got absolutely nowhere explaining that I left summer 16 either - they just see it as a joint debt / liability.
What I did do in early Jan was firstly report him anonymously for benefit fraud, and then put a claim in for the kids myself. This is what has prompted the letter to both houses this week saying where do kids actually live, and I've put me.
It's triggered an outraged phonecall from WN to me, tho - I just put him on speakerphone so DC could hear and said that I was filling in the forms from gov and telling the honest truth - someone there can decide.
He was repeatedly telling eldest that mummy was taking his money and he didn't have any, that mummy was a liar etc so I wanted her to hear it from him and hear my law abiding ways.

Re the overpayment - I sent him a text saying what was owed and that I would take him to small claims for it - but guess what, as usual total silence.
Grrrr again!!!

teabag it makes sense now. Sorry it's such a mess. Your doing the right thing getting it put into your name. I guess your both jointly responsible for the debt if it's from when you were together.

I can't believe he would say those things to the kids. What a plank. Is he unemployed? Assume he's claiming tax credits for children to.

He now works full time - since I "turned off the money tap" (my solicitor's exact words...)

What a cock lodger

God these men!! How are there so many of them about, are there any good ones left?

I'm thinking I am only 38 and never want to even try dating again at the moment (I know its early days and i wouldn't dream of it now, but perhaps in the future). i think relationships are just too damn painful :(

Ex has the boys tonight and again Sat- Monday as its his weekend and a bank holiday. I plan to spend the weekend, cleaning, organising, buying shit and hopefully going to the beach if the weather is nice, even if I go fully clothed (was 21 C today). He is back to being normal and nice. Its like a merry go round.

Thanks for the support ladies, not sure what i would have done with mumsnet support.

Sorry, been a bit too caught up with Trump stuff lately to pay much attention here :(

Its ok to feel like that now pudding or even forever. If its the kind of thing you like, maybe just enjoy the single life (that's what I did for a little while, kinda wish I had done it for longer!) with flirting and suchlike. I really miss flirting!

Urgh Teabay sounds just like my ex, bad mouthing mum even when the kids can hear.

Hope everyone else is coping ok and chin up all, at least we're not wankers

No change here, ex still being the same as usual, social worker called to say that the hospital might be making a child protection report against him for denying DD's treatment.

Local paper is coming to interview me tomorrow about my brother but there's no new news so seems a bit pointless, but turns out the interviewer is a mum from one of the groups DD goes to so we're going to arrange some playdates next week during the ski holiday (half term type thing)

Good luck with interview Nat

Pudding I have a recent BF (6 weeks so v recent) but didn't go on online dating until almost 8mths after split and went on several bad dates first. I'm taking things slowly. He's been supportive when I've said things about ex, but I try not to make it the focus of conversation too often. As Nat said it's up to you and you don't have to date. Of the 6 men I met through dating, only one had clear narc tendencies (didn't spend time getting to know most though as just not compatible).

Teabay it's good you're free of your vile money leech!

Well if I only have 10p in the world, it's a great feeling knowing that it's my 10p!!
😂😂😂😂😂

A good feeling indeed

Interview went OK but the rest of the day went from bad to worse - fell up the stairs managing to hit the edge of a hard step with the soft bit between knee cap and the leg bone, and then later was in a rush to pick up DD so tried to ride my bike in the snow, against the wind and ended up having an asthma attack and collapsing on a pile of snow. Just not my day!

Hi all. Like Nats I've been a bit caught up in the Trump threads, and work etc. Teabay - that's pretty shocking behaviour on the part of your ex. It's great you have a good job and your independence, I hope all the relevant agencies throw the book at him.

Pudding I've been single for nearly 2 years now. Apart from HJM I haven't met anybody else I've had even the slightest feeling for. I don't have the inclination or the energy, and have a pretty jaded view of men right now. I'm surprised at how much I enjoy being single. Of course there's the odd moment when I feel very single, but so far not lonely. I can't imagine being single for ever, but at the moment also can't imagine being in a relationship.

Sounds like you've had a sucky day Natsku being positive at least tomorrow won't be worse.

Pudding I'm 9 1/2 months in and frankly can't be bothered with even thinking about dating atm. It would be nice to meet someone but the thought of having to deal with divorcing the WN at the same time as having to bother about somebody else is just too much.

Oh Nats I cross posted with you ! My post looks pretty callous, just referring to our reading the Trump threads, and not your attempts to end up in a&e !! Hope you're feeling ok now and being taken care of. I can imagine your dd likes to do a bit of nursing.

She does love to do a bit of nursing :) all fine now, just going to make sure I leave in plenty of time today!

Morning ladies. I need your wisdom. It's been two weeks since I left. This morning at 3;30 am he sent me a text message saying when I drop the boys off today he wants a final answer. That he sees we are all unhappy and he can make it right. I know this is him just trying it on, and I'm 99.9999999% sure not returning but I'm finding it difficult to time telling him that.

Oops posted to soon. I asked him for space, I haven't had one day in my own yet where I haven't been working or with the boys. I told him this morning he hasn't allowed me any time or space. I could tell him today but he's having the boys until Wednesday and he'll be a mess.
Am I being mean? Should I tell him? It just doesn't feel like I'm ready to be final yet even though I know it is. Even the text annoyed me, middle of the night, and what he wrote shoes a huge lack of insight.
Am I right in leaving it? Or should I just get it over with?

And thanks for the replies on dating. I'll need therapy before I ever let another man into my heart again :(

Just reaffirm to him that you need space, space and time to think about things.

Hi everyone.been lurking here for a while but too down in the dumps to post. Had a lightbulb moment that my stbxh is a narc, a few weeks ago. After 20 years of thinking he was "just" a bit thoughtless, disorganised -he also fits the "incompetent husband" description.
We had couples counselling but it changed nothing. Last year he went on a trip of a lifetime holiday for 2 months (with family money) and came home and was even more horrible to me than ever. As soon as I told him I wanted to split he started dating and has a new gf already!
When I refused to do what he wanted re post split finances, he ramped up the nastiness. He assaulted one of the kids, I took my car keys away so I couldn't get to work and generally bullied and intimidated me. I finally got him to leave by threatening an injunction.
It's been a hideous year so far. He has finally agreed to a regular contact arrangement of having DD 6 overnight once a fortnight. She has told me that she is going on a play date with Daddy's friend who also had a little girl, so I think he is planning to introduce the new gf to DD today.
And the worst thing is that I really miss (the nice) him. I'm grieving my 20 year marriage but he's already replaced me.

pudding I agree with nats just tell him you still need space.