Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

thanks ontheball and nats. That is what I said. Then wrote in my journal he can't even respect what I asked him to do. One was not to get into text discussions and the other was to give me some space. Its gone onto the list........

Pudding I highly recommend counselling but in the meantime whenever he tells you things, as well as write them down, imagine this was happening to a friend. Stopping and taking a step back to assess can help as it's easier to see the manipulation.

He knows he's playing the victim, senses your doubts, knows he has your DCs soon and that you'll be more vulnerable to not wanting them hurt, knows he's ignored your needs and requests and (I'm really sorry about this) but he knows he's manipulated you for years so why would he stop now while DCs are young and he can continue?

On the other hand you are a loving mum with normal feelings trying to consider your DC's and his feelings. Make your decisions based on what you would tell a friend. Always make it benefit DCs and you first and foremost. If that means stalling with him then do it if it means stating the truth chose that. Protect yourself.

Welcome to the club BoringUsername what you have said fits right in with our experiences on here. My ex lined his GF up when he sensed I was having enough. It's tough and grieving the parts that seemed good while he already has moved on is very sad, takes time

Sorry I should have said fits in with type of experiences we've had. We've all had different experiences, but due to similar narc-y male selfishness.

Welcome Boring

Pudding I agree with doing things at your own pace and on your terms. Why does he get to call the shots, who put him in charge? You know why you've left, and taking control now will show him that in future you will be putting the dc and yourself first. You're still being very considerate towards him, he's not showing you the same courtesy. If he doesn't play by the rules, you don't have to either.

Boring Welcome. As you say, lots of textbook stuff in your ex's behaviour. At least one thing's for sure. If somebody is such a cliche (and he appears to have swallowed the manual !) any doubts you may have had as to who was to blame are well and truly over.

What husband with young children goes on the holiday of a lifetime alone for 2 months?! Did he think he'd time travelled back into being a student back packer - unbelievable.

After 20 years together it's bound to be hard, and nobody is all bad so there are good memories. But he's the one crashing into a rebound relationship to avoid being alone. You had the strength and dignity to say it was over, he's doing the usual lashing out.

One night a fortnight to see your dc doesn't seem very much - was that his choice?

Thank you for the welcome Dusters, Lilac, Nats. And to everyone. I just can't believe it's really happening. It's breaking my heart that he is off having lovely times with his new lady, when he couldn't make the effort with me. He took her on a weekend break to somewhere we went on a family holiday only 18 months ago. In a truly surreal moment, on the day we told the kids we were splitting, he asked if she could borrow my hiking boots for this trip!

I keep thinking there must have been something I could have done differently to have stopped this from happening. The last couple of months has been like a runaway train.

The holiday of a lifetime, he took one of the kids (teenager) with him so everyone thinks he's an amazing dad etc for giving him this experience. And that I was a saint for letting him go. I wasn't a saint, I believed his BS and wanted him to be happy. Then when he came back it was like he didn't have to be nice to me anymore.

Boring these men are unbelievable. My ex took his OW (now GF) away to a nearby spa that we'd been to as a couple, while we were still together. I found out as he'd left a statement behind. They had booked a room too. I still wonder now what his workmates would have thought if I'd called that day to speak to him, or if they knew.

It shows complete lack of normal emotion to be able to switch off and go to the same place. I don't know if my ex's GF knew we'd been (and had a room) or if he suggested it as something new. Either way it wasn't me doing anything wrong and you haven't either. Doesn't stop the raw pain, but I think it may help with healing.

Lilac yes, it is a complete lack of normal emotion isn't it. The spa thing is exactly what mine would do.I know it's a cliche but he isn't the person I thought he was. But I keep slipping back into wishing and hoping that I could have the "nice him" back.

BoringUsername: I don't know what to say really. He sounds though like you are well rid of him, and maybe he just became someone else's problem. 20 years, what a bastard. Keep strong, you deserve better

Do sociopaths also count? My sons dad fits all the criteria for that. I've had a hell of a time with him over the years but it's all gone quiet lately. He plays a lot of mind games and is always trying to get one up on everyone else. He's a compulsive liar, a cheat, a serial child abandoner. Now has 3 kids by 3 different women (one being me, one being his wife, one being wife's best friend. Cheated on us all.) When I asked him about cheating on his wife with her friend he just said oh she will get over it. No remorse nor has he ever taken responsibility for his actions. He's put our son in some really bad situations. And I worry how his influence will impact our sons views on relationships as he gets older. He's tried every avenue to avoid paying for his kids. When cms were catching up with him he just left the country. Was gone for 2 years. Never said goodbye to our son. Hasn't been in contact in all that time. Now he's back in the uk he will be starting uni so that's another 3/4 years he won't have to contribute to his kids. (He's 29 and doing a duff subject so he can bum around.) Ds still stays with paternal gp during the holidays but his dad is living with them at the moment. I'm so worried about ds staying there now he's back. He will start the mind games again and will see that he's "winning" because he can casually see ds without any responsibility. Sort of hoped he would get eaten by sharks while travelling but alas he is back and now the anxiety begins once again. Ds is 8, very impressionable and overthinks things. I just know this is going to bring drama and mind fk.

Boring The hiking boots ?!! How does that even form as an idea in someone's mind when you've just told your dc that their parents are splitting up? When I read things like that it makes me feel that some people are almost a different species. At least you need be under no illusion as to how he will carry on in the future. His pecking order will be him, her (with or without boots) him, him him, the dc (when it suits) and you.

I think some men are too immature to be in it for the long haul. The shine's worn off for them, and a shared history, commitment, contentment, family life etc can't compete with the thrill of the chase, a fresh pair of adoring eyes, and the chance to reinvent themselves. Even if a relationship has run it's course, which is to nobody's shame, there are ways of ending it with dignity, kindness and compassion. Only you will possess these, which makes it all the harder. But it means you'll start your new life on a much stronger footing.

Nicetosee It does seem a shame that your ex wasn't gobbled up by a Great White. One predator obviously recognised another and decided to leave him alone . It seems unlikely your ex will have much influence over your ds. He's seen him very little up till now, and once he starts his student life probably even less. I know that's no consolation really, we all hope for a good relationship between our ex's and dc. But if he's a bad influence then the less he's around I guess the better.

Hi BoringUser please remember throughout this that it is him who has a problem not you. It is extremely hard to be the one discarded (I know - My WN did it after 28 years together OW is 25 only 3 years older than our DD1). You will probably realise when you have spent more time reading up about narcs that he was always really this person and the 'nice' part was actually the illusion. What I have realised is that almost the whole of our life together was simply an illusion. I painted a picture in my head of what his character was and when he let me down I accepted his lies and the blame for whatever had gone wrong. You will get there, if you are really struggling go to the doctors and ask for something to help you cope (no shame in that you know) and ask for a referral for counselling. When WN no longer needs you they just walk away, they have no further use for you so will treat you appallingly and then act like you are being unreasonable.

nicetosee sociopaths are just one rung further up the WN ladder so you are definitely in the right place.

boring I wish them blisters and rain

Nicetosee I wish you more sharks and killer whales from captive theme parks who are really fucking hungry and pissed off

Another one wishing more sharks in your future nicetosee! along with the hungry bears for my ex!

That hiking boots request is gobsmacking boring

Thank you everyone for your warm welcome. Oh boring that sounds awful. It's hard to grieve for a relationship when he's rubbing his new one in your face like your marriage meant nothing to him. What a selfish bastard. But it won't last. And although it all might look like sunshine and lollipops right now with them I guarantee he's still hard work and they probably arnt as happy as they are making out. It's a front to hurt you. My ds dad moved in with ow after a month and came over to my house taking pots and pans from my cupboards to stock his new love nest! Sound similar to the hiking boots incident? I laugh about the stupidity of it now. As will you when it all comes crumbling down for him. I used to get so down watching them play happy families while I was the one picking up the pieces. They got married really quickly, had a baby. I was distraught to see him moving on at such a pace. But when it ended I found out just how unhappy they really were. Then he did the exact same thing to his wife. And I imagine she felt the same way I did. It's weird to look back on it now. Don't let them get to you. You had a lucky escape!

Hello all, I'm still on my break from posting properly (just too much at the moment) but I am reading along. Welcome to everyone new and boring I had to come and post just to say my WN also does that, takes her to places we went and makes sure I know about it. There is and was nothing you could have done, nothing. You didn't cause it, you couldn't have changed it and you can't control it.

What red said here When WN no longer needs you they just walk away, they have no further use for you so will treat you appallingly and then act like you are being unreasonable is so accurate and has made me see another 'relationship' I had more clearly too (thanks red). I will be steering clear of relationships for a long time but I think that ^ is worth remembering when it feels like you should have done things differently.

Yes the rewriting of history is the way they justify their actions. My narc ex wrote a date 4 years before we actually started split up on our divorce papers so that it seemed that the 3 counts of adultery were all after we'd split up. To make his behaviour seem ok. "I was just dating"! Once he finally realised I had had enough and wouldn't engage with him anymore he moved away and started a new life with new people who would believe his story.
As I posted earlier he has now decided he is autogynaephiliac transgender, has legally changed his name and insisted that our divorce papers are in his new female name, and his child maintenance goes into my account from "Miss .......". He sprung this on DD aged 7 by dressing up as a pantomime dame as a woman and taking her out for the day with his new trans friends without even discussing it with me first.
They really do have a totally different neural pathway don't they?!

Morning all!

Lost you for a while!

Will read back and catch up on thread but hope everyone is ok.

for anyone dealing with difficult exes this weekend.

Thanks everyone for being so kind and understanding. I still just can't quite believe this is really happening.
oracle that is jaw dropping. Your poor poor DD. I wish I had any advice. I wonder if there is any counselling or support for children who are having to cope with a parent like this.
As I suspected, my narc took our DD age 6 to meet his new gf and her DD yesterday. They have been seeing each other since December. At least he hasn't told DD that he is in a relationship with the new lady yet..

Oh Boring - it's all so familiar. I found out was in a new relationship when DD walked into the bedroom one morning and there was a "strange lady in Daddy's bed". When I came home later and she told me he justified it by saying "Oh I had decided we had split up on Boxing Day"

oracle I take it the strange lady in the bed was OW not Daddy dressed up??

My narc hasn't thought this through very well. At some point he is going to have to tell the kids that his "friend" is actually his gf. And they will realise that he has been seeing her all the time he's been playing the victim who was chucked out of the house by evil me.

Apology! Wrong thread 😳 reported and asked them to delete

Hi Green glad to be of help, I know what you mean about feeling overwhelmed and not up to posting. I am currently in a calm period as he has been told not to talk to me about the divorce or financial stuff (had to threaten police involvement). He was getting really intimidating and threatening because he couldn't get his own way.

Oracle can't imagine how your DD goes about dealing with that. Sure she will need counselling but kids are amazingly resilient provided that they have one calm parent who provides a loving home who they can rely on.

Boring and nice normal people will not rush and will carefully consider how to introduce a new partner to children to make things as smooth as possible and to cause the least possible upset. None of us on this thread are dealing with normal ex-partners! The only persons feelings who count to a WN are their own, not the OW not the DC and certainly not the discarded ex-partner. Moving in straight away, why wouldn't they, he wants his new supply on hand for sex and convenience. Introducing OW to DC without warning, why not it would inconvenience WN to have to do without OW when DC visit. They simply do not care about anyone but themselves. If you always work from this very low base point then nothing they do is a surprise.

dressing up as a pantomime dame

Please don't say theoracle that he's taken any of your clothes with him!!

I've got this vision of your ex, with his friends "Geoff" "Malcolm" and "Mike" sitting in a tearoom with your poor dd. They all look like Barbara Windsor but with beards, and are sipping tea from dainty china cups with massive hairy hands !!

I just met up with a friend who kicked her dh out over a year ago. He'd been horrible to her for a long time, and has been a complete nob since he left. They have young dc, this isn't their country of origin, but she worked, made a life for herself and was amazing.

He started begging and crying - literally - to come back, and she's now given him another chance. He's doing copious amounts of hoovering and shopping etc, declaring undying love (vomit emoji). She's given up her job as he's said he'll support her, she can study etc. She seemed quite happy but said she didn't love him like she had, and felt slightly stressed.

Part of me admires her for being so forgiving and trying to rebuild her family. Another part thinks she's made herself very vulnerable. Partly I felt she was relieved to be "normal" again, ie not single and not a single parent. She can't understand why I'm not online dating and looking for a man. I wanted to say because I don't ever again want to feel the stress you're feeling now. But of course I didn't, just wished her well, and will keep my fingers crossed for her.