Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

Thanks all, exh's unthoughtfulness is always an issue and always was during our relationship, my attitude towards his unthoughtfulness was always my problem (and he told me so lots of times) and I can only see that now I'm out of it.

Very well said Lilac

Emily maybe you could email him and tell him it's time formalise the pick up drop off schedule As the way it is at the moment no longer works for you.

Emily I agree with ontheball that formalising the pick ups/drop offs is the best way to proceed.

If it's in black and white he may still be unreliable, but at least he can't claim not to have known what the arrangements were. Your dc are very young, and there's always the unexpected that can delay pick ups and drop offs. I'd be tempted to say you'll accept up to 15 mins/half an hour ? after the agreed pick up time. But if he's any later, you'll be carrying on with your day. This could mean you going out with the dc so he'll miss the chance to see them. His choice.

I've taken to dropping the dc at my exs when it suits me (about 15 min drive). My ex is reliable time wise, but if things have to change he's not so good, very much a routine person. In these cases I can't bear the faffing and uncertainty, so would rather take them myself. Is this an option for you, particularly for dropping them at his, then you get to call the shots?

Thank you for the advice! I am more flexible with drop offs as obviously it's hard to get small children ready and out the door! It just annoys me when he is late to pick up more really as he can set an alarm, he manages fine to get to work so why not to see the DC? I think he's taken advantage of me being a bit more flexible in the past. I think giving him half an hour and saying we are now going out could work though as itl show him they aren't just here as and when it suits him, but at certain times!

I do sometimes drop off but my youngest is only 6 months old so it's often hard working around routines and getting them both out the house at a reasonable time, especially when it's the weekend!

Hi to all, both new joiners and old friends. and to all who need them. Thanks for the new thread Lilac.

Pudding, small summary of my situation 28 years with WN 2 dc's. Within 1 month of WN and OW (25) becoming an official couple (4 months after we separated because he thought some time apart would be good for us) he had asked her to marry him (we're not divorced) they went house hunting and he started harassing me (think shouting and screaming in front of kids and others) to give him money from our joint savings to buy a big swanky house for him and OW. No finances agreed cos he won't provide any info. So entitled a fucker is my WN that he thinks that I'm the unreasonable one.

Hi lovely ladies, hope you're all smelling of roses 🌹

Thanks lilac for the new thread. I completely agree that it could happen to anyone. It's taken me a while to fully understand and accept that I was in an abusive relationship
because it's not something I ever thought would happen to me.

pudding bit late to chip in but I'm pleased he's being reasonable for now. Do not, I repeat, do not let your guard down!! I've found that remorse/apologies/generally behaving reasonably is closely followed by some sort of maximum WN behaviour!!

theoracle your poor little girl! If that's the path your ex has chosen then so be it but she's 7 ffs, she must have been so confused 😥.

Tracy there is NOTHING wrong with you! You're allowed to grieve for the part of the man you loved (they all must have had some loveable parts or we wouldn't all be in these situations I suppose). Just don't rose tint the primary arsehole that he is. Enjoy your beautiful baby, it's hard if you're on your own (I was dumped while pregnant so I know all about it) but not impossible and you get all of the good bits to yourself 😊.

Tomorrow is D day for me, first time my DS will go to his dads house (with grandma to supervise). Am wide awake and feel sick to my stomach. Been a tearful mess all week, I just don't trust the man. He has already changed the agreement we'd made 😡 and sent a really antagonistic message last weekend. Tried to address it on the phone but realised I was having a panic attack so got off the phone asap.

Does anyone else have massive adrenaline surges/pounding heart etc just from getting relatively mundane messages or from having to speak to them? Thought I was free but feel naive now as realise I'm not even 2 years in to an 18 year WN prison sentence

Forgot to say redastherose my god, he sounds like a complete douche bag. Is there anyway you can record his behaviour? Might come in useful if so x

Hi Proud he has now backed off as was told by his lawyer that he had to leave me alone.

Hey proud yes I still get adrenaline surges/ pounding heart when I read exs emails. There is usually some passive agressive dig in there somewhere. It's lessening as time goes on though.

for all the continuing WN-ness!

Proud I hope things aren't too bad as regards your dc's first visit to their dad's house. At least there's some supervision, but I'd feel exactly the same as you. I came to hate any contact with my ex, so now I don't have any ! He's a creature of habit and I have older dc so it's possible. What I don't see or hear I don't have to deal with.

I mentioned up thread that he was useless when arrangements were changed. Well, as they say, if you build it they will come . He had three weeks notice of a change of weekend day. The result? Couldn't manage pick up at 2 different times, so I end up dropping off one dc. Brings the dc back earlier than planned today (did at least check with me via dc) and tells them that if they had been with him today as usual they'd have been doing xxx - something he knows they'd really like

I said he's had 3 weeks to plan things, he could have taken you to xxx yesterday. The dc said he had to work. I said that was his choice, then they proceeded to tell me he was working today, but on his own, nobody else was. I said well, more fool him then !

So sick of him being the work martyr. I work too, and have pointed out to dc that he worked before I knew him, he's not just working now as he has dc. Twat.

Hi all. What does WN stand for please?

Hi all, I just wanted to say hi and I am still here a little.

I'm going through hell with my WN and our loooooong divorce that he has delayed from day 1 (that was years ago) and I'm actually finding myself quite overwhelmed whenever I see this thred and see the absolute tossers that are getting away with murder with their treatment of their children - and their children's mothers. It's a bit too much for me to cope with at the mo hence my absence.

There are some brilliantly supportive and experienced posters here though so I am sure if you come here for a shoulder and some coping strategies you will find it.

Best wishes to all.

Unicorn it means Wank Narc

Lilacpink40: thanks for the reassurance about the time it will take with getting used to it all.

Bananatricycle: I saw your other thread, sounds like a nightmare situation for you, I hope your DD isn't too traumatised by the whole thing. I wonder sometimes if men have a protective instinct of their kids at all.

Redastherose: what a WN indeed! Good to see you are partly out the other side.

proudtrout: guard firmly up at the moment :) Hopefully I can stay strong enough to keep it that way.

So on Friday I went round to see him and he proudly cooked me dinner. He was asking me a bit what I was planning to do, he said he needed some answers because of his self esteem!! I said to him I needed time (and I need time to get stronger because at the moment I feel like I'm just not good enough or ready to start tackling the big stuff yet, although I know I did the initial hard work. I think i t was a mistake for me to think I could sit with him and chat over dinner already, its only been one week. He also told me I should "not make this all about the kids" which really infuriated me, since they are kids and we are adults. Anyway we hugged each other good bye and since Friday only had one word answers to texts. I resisted the urge to ask him if he wanted to see the boys today and kept myself busy so far. To be honest I am all over the place and am struggling. I am going to see the doctor on Wednesday for something else (I need yearly mammogram and some moles checking out on my back) so I might ask about something for anxiety.

I did though manage to go to the gym, took the kids to Kidzania here (which is amazing by the way if anyone has one nearby, the kids had a n absolute ball and was good to see them having fun). Just had an explore round our new village and found the park and football pitch.

Thanks again for the advice, I am finding this more difficult than I thought I would. I imagined I would feel liberated but I just feel knackered, sad and guilty.

You're doing great so far pudding it is tough and often upsetting but in time you'll be more settled, have more of the big stuff sorted, and the kids will be more settled so then you'll find things flow much easier.

Sorry you're still going through hell purple I really don't understand UK divorce laws - ridiculous that one party can delay things for years. There should be no-fault divorce (that's what we have here with 6 month consideration period unless you've lived separately for at least two years, in which case its granted immediately. The other party doesn't get to try to stop it or refuse it)

There are so many things wrong with the laws here nats, it was my house, always. He didn't put a penny in it. Married for a short time (that he has dragged on to make look longer) and it has gone up a lot in value. He has lied about his financial situation since the day I met him. Always hidden debts - that of course I am now liable for too. I have no strength to fight but as the same time I can see my DCs future being stolen from under them. I am struggling to cope with the pure hatred I feel for him at the moment. He was a brilliant con man.

Urgh that's just horrid. So is he trying to get half the value of the house? That shouldn't be allowed - anything that a person owned prior to marriage still belongs to them when they divorce, its only things bought together after marriage that count as joint assets here. Bet it prevents a lot of people marrying someone for their money/property just so they can divorce them and take half.

I will never ever marry again struggling to see how I will even date another man.

Sorry to hear of all the twat wank narcness that continues!

Purple sorry you're going through a particularly tough time. Your WN sounds like a real twisted, mean narc. Narcs are perfect con men. They don't realise that they're not perfect so they even con themselves!

My WN and his mum do things like feed my DCs piles of sweets as they're due to leave and tell them that if they're going to be sick to hold until they're with me. It's more important for them to be negative against me then to be positive towards the DCs. It is the way they are and I realise they'll be the same their whole sad lives. Good news I'm not stuck with them, but wish my DCs didn't have to endure it.

I get a sick feeling when I see messages from WN too. These men never genuinely contact to be reasonable grrr.

It's a horrible shitty situation Purple it is ridiculous that you can't just get the courts to force it through but they get away with all sorts of delaying tactics. In a way I'm lucky cos my WN is desperate to marry OW before she twigs what a twat he is and leaves him with no supply so at least there is some incentive for him to get on with it eventually. But since he is busy trying to hid his assets and has been trying to force me to accept his 'offer' (patronising bastard) he has been stalling for the last 5 months. There should be strict timetables for everyone to adhere to and penalties for the delaying party. Sending and .

Pudding you are doing really well, it takes time to get over missing them even if they are complete twats. As little contact as possible and talk only about arrangements for dc's will help.

Dusters doesn't matter how much notice you give or how reasonable you are they will try and make you look like the bad guy. Ignore ignore ignore. Sing the WN song - I've forgotten how it goes, but someone on here will remember. [Wine] for you too.

Pudding I hope this helps...I wish a year ago someone had told me that its easier to accept your ex will make you feel guilty rather than trying to work it out. You are having a normal response, but what is coming towards you is manipulative ("oh poor me and my poor ego" yuck) so he is not normal.

Several threads ago someone many years on from split with a WN said advice "avoid, avoid, avoid". Makes sense Dusters with your advice that it's better to know less, have less contact. Sometimes tricky when DCs say what is said, but I've decided I'm back to NC rather than try to be reasonable.

I get that sick feeling too Lilac and Purple hate hearing a text come through to my phone and have to screw up my courage to see who it is from.

Red You're right, ignore, ignore, ignore. Was the WN song "FuckoffFuckoff (and repeat) offoffoffoff.........................?! I have a little rant, then push it out of my mind and forget. I also find now it's best if I don't talk/moan to people about things. It just reminds me of stuff he's done. I only really vent on here.

It's been said before on here. His reactions aren't normal, so I don't treat him as I would a normal person. My dc are my only concern, and where appropriate being fair to him. I am only fair because it makes me feel better, it's better for the dc and he does care about them. He thinks I'm an Ice Queen, so that's what he gets.

Purple I totally get how this thread can be overwhelming. I've had times when I've stepped away for a bit. Some days I'm so cross at the behaviour of one human towards another. The system is shit. I hate that so many men have affairs, make a new life and leave their previous family behind, like a nasty stain. Then, treat their partners like criminals who must pay the price.

I also find solace in how bloody brilliant we are as well ! These men don't cope. They rely on their parents, another (usually much younger) woman, jumping in to new relationships. They don't co-parent and their dc eventually see them for what they are. We work, juggle childcare, have our dc's respect and are strong and resourceful.

I treat my two friends partners who have had affairs/treat them like rubbish, with contempt. My friends may have decided to stay but I refuse to collude with them. I'm glad these men know I don't like or respect them. I think the more these men are called out the better.

Dusters my ex does look on me like a stain. His 'perfect' GF truly believes his lies and acts up to it. One minute they pull sour faces at each other as they notice my DS's perfectly nice coat came from his cousin (label still inside) then they moan that I have all the money to spend as his jumper is from M&S. Heaven forbid they should spend time talking to DCs instead of inspecting them for signs of my 'imperfections' of which I have plenty but ffs why are they judging me on perfectionly nomal kids clothes? . My DD gets frustrated, but I point out it's them just being odd, best to ignore.

How about WN poetry...
Fuck off you wank narc,
bullshit is your pathetic bark.
I see you what you are,
twisted, mean below my bar.