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Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

(1000 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

tedrekasta Sun 05-Feb-17 12:00:18

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

tedrekasta Sun 05-Feb-17 12:05:14

I worry that my English daughter will resent me for not telling her because she will miss out on seeing her little sister grow up.

Alternatively, she may just hate me and never want to see her young sister.

I don't know how she will react.

Also, she doesn't like travelling so visiting Poland would be difficult for her. And the mother of my Polish daughter refuses to visit England and even refused until last year to let my Polish daughter learn English. (or at least to have extra English lessons).

PastysPrincess Sun 05-Feb-17 12:09:48

I've not been in this situation so I don't have advice from that perspective but I would say if I was your wife or daughter I would want to know.

I don't think there is an option which wont cause anyone any pain.

228agreenend Sun 05-Feb-17 12:11:34

Does your wife know about the affair? Isn't she suspicious about the visits back,to Poland? Is the Polish child definitely yours?

The stress ok keeping the daughter is,obviously eating you up. I think you need to speak to your wife and English daughter, either your wife first or both together. I don't think,you can keep the Polish daughter a secret for ever. Your excuses will run out, or your wife will realise something is up. Ie. It's not another work trip (or what ever your excuse is).

If,you are visiting regularly, is the affair over?

Wellitwouldbenice Sun 05-Feb-17 12:14:02

Gosh, that is a seedy and horrible secret you've got going on there isn't it? Man up to your poor, poor wife and daughter and face the consequences.

Mummamayhem Sun 05-Feb-17 12:17:39

I think you should tell your wife. With you visitng Poland every two months she'll probably be suspicious, it'd be torture living with uncertainty and suspicion.

I think the only way you'll feel any better about it and for you to be able to continue a relationship with your daughter in Poland is to be honest.

Ouriana Sun 05-Feb-17 12:22:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jenniferb21 Sun 05-Feb-17 12:23:12

You will never live happily with this secret.

If your wife knows about the affair tell them together. If she doesn't tell your wife first and then your daughter. If your wife doesnt know about the affair she deserves to react in the way she wants to without upsetting your daughter further by her having to witness that.

Good luck.

FellOutOfBed2wice Sun 05-Feb-17 12:23:20

I come from a family- the generation before mine- where scandal and deception are their bread and butter. My Dads parents and maternal grandparents all had Secret children, secret liaisons and so much stuff that was kept buried for years. I often think of the bit in Secrets and Lies where Timothy Spalls character says "Secrets and lies- we're all in pain. Why can we share our pain?" And that's always how I've felt observing the ramifications that those lies had on my parent and then on my life by association. If you don't tell the truth you're just storing up longer term pain for your children and their children.

AnyFucker Sun 05-Feb-17 12:24:03

No thoughts on putting your poor wife in the picture about what a deceitful, faithless piece of work you are ?

FellOutOfBed2wice Sun 05-Feb-17 12:24:07

*cant not can

tedrekasta Sun 05-Feb-17 12:25:05

Thanks all of you.

No, the affair with the Polish woman lasted for about 5 days. It's absolutely over. Indeed she hates me for not leaving England and going to live with her and our child in Poland. Which makes visiting difficult and upsetting. Though my daughter is always pleased to see me.

I travel abroad a lot for work. It's normal for me to be away. And so I can usually fit in a long weekend in Poland with my daughter every 2 months without raising suspicions - I have to visit Poland for my job every couple of months. And have done for over a decade.

None of the above is to try and escape what I should do.

One thing that puts me off telling them is that a female work colleague discovered she had a much younger sister when she was 50 and her younger half sister was about 12. She hated it. It upset her tremendously and she never wanted to visit her young step sister or have any communication with her and wished she had never been told.

Which, obviously, makes me very nervous about telling my wife and English daughter.

stitchglitched Sun 05-Feb-17 12:29:26

They have a right to know the truth. Presumably your wife might like to have the full picture about her life and your relationship so she can make some decisions. And I guess you are also using family money to pay for your visits to your child and (hopefully) child support? Also your youngest daughter deserves better than being treated as a dirty little secret.

chiquita1 Sun 05-Feb-17 12:32:48

You are such a fool (if everything you said is true) that I would make sure first if that child is yours to begin with. I would not be surprised if the lady in poland was just using you. If the little girl is yours you have to come clean to your poor wife and daugher. The truth always comes out.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Sun 05-Feb-17 12:35:25

Have you made provision for your 5yr old if you die? It will come out sooner or later. Better to face it together. Don't expect them to accept her but it would be worse for them to come out later.

tedrekasta Sun 05-Feb-17 12:35:58

You are right about the money. I do pay child support - more than is legally required.
But we are not wealthy people.
Luckily as I am sent to Poland by work then I do not have to pay for the flight. I do have to pay to stay in a hotel for typically 3 or 4 nights every 2 months. Which is affordable.
Also, I still work and bring in a salary. Not a big salary but enough. We have paid off our mortgage. And we don't live extravagant life styles.

Regarding the 'dirty little secret'. That is such a terrible thought. I love her and miss her every moment. But yes I have not told my wife and daughter about her.

Regarding my wife knowing. Years ago when a neighbour had an affair she said to me she would rather not know if it were her. Though that was a long long time ago.

BarbarianMum Sun 05-Feb-17 12:36:25

I think you owe your wife the truth far more than your daughter. And I doubt either is going to be chuffed about the news tbh - do you really think your wife is going to think "Oh that's lovely, I always wanted more children?". But anyway, you simply cannot tell your dd without telling your wife. So you need to decide if you have the balls to do that, or whether you are going to wait for her to find out one day.

tedrekasta Sun 05-Feb-17 12:37:44

We had a DNA test. So yes she is my daughter.

I have rewritten my will to include my Polish daughter.

Twogoats Sun 05-Feb-17 12:37:50

If you're not rich, then doesn't yourwifenotice all the missing money which you pay in child support?

AnyFucker Sun 05-Feb-17 12:38:17

No fool like an old fool, eh.

Did you ever get dna testing ? 5 day "affair" leads to pregnancy ? It's very possible you have been scammed.

tedrekasta Sun 05-Feb-17 12:39:04

Believe me I never expected my wife to be 'chuffed' about it.

But will it cause her more pain than any gain in honesty?

AnyFucker Sun 05-Feb-17 12:39:08

OK. Cross posted.

Your wife has not seen your will ?

hoddtastic Sun 05-Feb-17 12:39:44

jesus, don't leave the fall out for when you're dead, that's even more cunty than what you did in the first place,

viques Sun 05-Feb-17 12:39:55

If you were to die tomorrow, or next week or whenever, your poor wife will have to not only deal with your death but will also discover your deception when your polish ex turns up expecting provision to have been made to support your other child, who I hope you have had the decency to include in your will.

Forget about your first daughter 'always wanting a sister' this is about you being honest with all the people you are deceiving, and you dealing with their anger and pain.

AnyFucker Sun 05-Feb-17 12:40:18

So you are happy for to undergo all the pain when you are dead and gone so you don't have to witness it ? Nice.

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