Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

999 replies

tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:00

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 05/02/2017 18:58

You changed your WILL?!

Original poster
tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 19:03

To answer another question raised. Yes I would pay maintenance no matter what. Even if the Polish mother banned me from seeing my daughter I would still pay.

Though that situation is unlikely because her ex husband walked out and never ever sees his daughter he had with her and it has had a terrible effect upon that daughter. So I think the Polish mother at least tolerates me because I love my daughter and want to see her. And miss her terribly.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 05/02/2017 19:08

Here, Ted!

Your self esteem is completely knackered, isn't it?

You actually sound like a good, but conflicted man.

Do the right thing...and you're not weak either. A weak man would have disappeared into the sunset.

Be upfront. To all of them, polish woman included.

Good luck

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
myrtleWilson · 05/02/2017 19:14

Oh for goodness sake please stop with the pity party "really me, an old ugly man..why would I carry a condom around with me" you could have bought one at any point, unless of course condoms were illegal In Poland six years ago.....and try thinking about the other people affected by your actions, particularly your will change

KurriKurri · 05/02/2017 19:32

Your self esteem and self worth ? - What about your wife - when/if she finds out what you did, her self worth will hit absolute rock bottom.

Cut the crap about condoms- they sell them in Poland, why didn't you buy some?

If you are going to go anywhere with this situation the first thing to do is stop the victim act. You are not the victim in this, you have done something which you could have not done at any point. No one forced you to have unprotected sex with a Polish woman. No one. It was your choice entirely.

Your wife did not choose to be lied to and betrayed - start having a bit of empathy for all the people you have hurt instead of saying 'poor me'.
Until you get it and accept the fact that you and no one but you fucked up a lot of peoples lives, prepare yourself for the consequences and truly understand the hurt you have caused, then there is no hope for any kind of moving forward.

You have had five+ years to mull over this situation, if you tell your wife and daughter it will be new to them, and you will have to allow them the time to decide what they want. Do not pressure wife into making a speedy decision about whether to stay with you or not, the very least you owe her is the time to choose what she wants to do with her life and about the mess you have dragged her into.

As a side issue, I hope to God the very first thing you did when you got home was have a full STD check so you didn't risk giving anything to your wife.

ConfessorKahlan · 05/02/2017 19:43

I really feel sorry for you. It was a mistake that you made a long time ago and now many people, including you, are going to get hurt.

You have been honourable in your actions by paying child maintenance and visiting your Polish daughter.

You sound like you are defeated and hate yourself. I cannot say how your wife and daughter will react, but if you have included your Polish daughter in your will, then it will all come out at some point. Your family will feel even worse. They will be grieving and they will have questions that will never be answered. You could answer those questions now and eventually try to salvage your relationships with them.

It will be horrendously difficult, but think of how much worse it will be for them if you are not around to explain properly.

We all do stupid things in our lives and most of the time we are lucky that the consequences are not serious. Unfortunately, your stupid thing has major repercussions on many lives. You sound truly miserable and I feel sorry for every one involved. You didn't mean to hurt anyone. Flowers

oleoleoleole · 05/02/2017 19:54

The only thing I could say and I've no experience is to please leave a letter to your wife and daughter with your Will. This may at least explain some of their inevitable questions they will have. Not only will they grieve for you but they will also be dealing with a terrible shock.

Personally I'd do the right thing and tell them and live with the consequences.

TheAntiBoop · 05/02/2017 20:02

From what you have said it sounds like you need to tell the truth for yourself. What life would be by his for any of you - living in the shadows of lies is destructive

Telling the truth is the only way you are going to have any chance of a relationship with both your daughters. It also gives them a chance to have a relationship with each other

Maybe your wife will divorce you - but it sounds like you are in the marriage because you don't want to be alone and think no one else will have you. That isn't fair on your wife either.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 20:09

For what it's worth can I just correct the 'condom thing'. I never carry one around with me because it has genuinely never occurred to me that a woman would be interested in me.

And the evening in question was very late - shops closed etc - she invited me into her hotel room and I was weak and she told me it was a safe time for her.

I'm not making excuses. But really and truthfully men who are my age and look like me just don't carry condoms because it would such a sad delusional act - usually!

OP posts:
dementedma · 05/02/2017 20:11

You are brave posting on here, so don't call yourself cowardly. You will get lashed at by people calling you all sorts of names, as if that is going to help. Ignore them, they enjoy kicking posters who have made mistakes or who are down. I expect they all live in glass houses....

I don't really have any advice but, other than the original infidelity which led to the child, I think you are behaved as best you can to your Polish family. Hope you find a way to resolve all this.

TheAntiBoop · 05/02/2017 20:15

I would hope men like you wouldn't carry a condom because you're married!

Cakingbad · 05/02/2017 20:18

If you don't tell your English family, your Polish daughter will. If she's like a typical 21st century child she will be a social media expert soon enough. I think it would better coming from you.

KurriKurri · 05/02/2017 20:26

'glass houses' ? I can say that never ever in my life have I cheated on someone or thought about cheating on someone. It's disgusting behaviour.

If you been on the receiving end you have heard all this self pity stuff a million times - the script doesn't change, it's all poor me, I couldn't help it, my dick fell out of my trousers and into a womans vagina, before I knew what was happening blah blah blah.

The person who deserves your sympathy is this man's wife. But cheaters are in general arch manipulators. lying is their adrenaline rush, they are very very good at the 'poor little me act' and there will always be some sheep like women who will fall for their bullshit and rush to stroke their brows.

Hiding this thread now - cheaters and cheater apologists make me vomit.

ReggaeShark · 05/02/2017 20:36

Why does Polish woman expect you to move to Poland? Doesn't she know you have a wife and child in the UK?

SparklyMagpie · 05/02/2017 20:48

Apologies to everyone if this has already been said or I've missed something but..

If you tell your English daughter,obviously she'd tell her mother? So I don't see why you'd tell your daughter and not your wife?!

Also PROVE you are NOT weak and do the right thing!

The thought of your family discovering this when you've died is to be perfectly honest, horrifying!

BettyOBarley · 05/02/2017 20:51

You really can't leave your poor wife and daughter to find out after your death...
This happened to my mum and uncle when half brothers and sisters they never knew they had turned up to my nan's funeral. It was utterly devastating for them and even 30 years later has left them with so many questions that will never be answered. Please don't do this to your loved ones.
You sound like a good man who made a mistake but you are using your 'weakness' as an excuse not to do the right thing.

dementedma · 05/02/2017 20:52

Hands kurri a bucket

Queenie04 · 05/02/2017 20:55

I think you should tell them even though it would be hard. It would be sad if they found each other years later. Also so to be crude but if you die how will the information be passed on. If you have a will I suggest you write details if each daughter so they can find each other. Good luck Flowers

Fairenuff · 05/02/2017 21:00

It's very likely that you will retire before you die though, so how do you propose to keep the secret then? Will you just stop going to Poland?

SparklyMagpie · 05/02/2017 21:20

How will you keep up with the maintenance payments once you retire? I just don't understand how your wife hasn't noticed money disappearing from the account ?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 05/02/2017 21:24

The worst thing for your English family would be finding out via your will after you have died. No opportunity to express their emotions to you, or ask questions, I think it would sour their memories of you and make them question every moment they'd had with you since your affair. You really need to tell them yourself.

Ouriana · 05/02/2017 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaholicsAnonymous · 05/02/2017 22:23

I think the polish MIL is being unrealistic! You had a fling with her daughter. A fling! Why would you relocate to Poland when you don't have Polish. That would be a disaster.

I'm thinking a one-off lump sum in to a bank account for your Polish daughter and maybe you don't have to mention the Polish daughter in your will at all.

everybody talks about the truth the truth but it would upset me so much to know that my father had done this.

NotMyPenguin · 05/02/2017 22:25

With respect, Teaholics, he is just as much a father to his Polish daughter as to his English one. The feelings of both matter and I think it is to his credit that he has changed his will to publicly acknowledge his second daughter.

TeaholicsAnonymous · 05/02/2017 22:25

Money goes much further in Poland right? My Polish colleague's sister bought a house in Krakow for 30k. You could buy a house for them to rent out, it goes to the daughter. No need for a hideous shit storm, disappointing everybody and disillusioning everybody.