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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

999 replies

tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:00

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

OP posts:
foodiefil · 05/02/2017 12:40

Your daughter has a half sister. Your wife has a stepdaughter. You have a massive fucking problem on your hands. Yes come clean and hope your family will forgive you.

stitchglitched · 05/02/2017 12:41

I think rather not knowing about an affair goes out of the window when that affair results in a child.

InfinityPlusOne · 05/02/2017 12:41

Do you want your death to be the first time your family finds out about this? Tell them now while you are here to take the fallout from the pain you will have caused.

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Blossomdeary · 05/02/2017 12:41

Tell your family - it would be dreadful for them to find out from your will when you die. You owe it to them.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 12:42

I beieve there are people this cunty in the world. It's rare to stumble across them though. And vanishingly rare to do so on a parenting website dominated by women.

Just sayin'

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 05/02/2017 12:42

Not wanting to know about an affair is one thing, but did she say she wouldn't want to know if you'd fathered a child that you were both regularly visiting (in secret) and paying child support for (which I assume comes out of family money)? Because they're very different scenarios.

You also only seen to feel guilty about a) not seeing enough of your polish daughter and b) your English daughter resenting you for keeping her sister a secret. Not for betraying your wife - why is that?

chiquita1 · 05/02/2017 12:43

I would test again but not in Poland. Anyway, what are you going to do? They can find out when you die? You are a coward. You had the balls to have an "affair" then have the balls to tell the truth.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:44

In conclusion you all think I should tell my wife and daughter.

Which is based on either:
1 It's bad to deceive them
or
2 They have a right to know

But what about 3
They would rather not know?

If my wife had an affair I would much much rather not know.

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 05/02/2017 12:44

This all seems a very unlikely situation.
Doesn't your wife wonder why part of the household income disappears each month?

CashelGirl · 05/02/2017 12:44

You owe it to your wife, your partner, the mother of your eldest daughter, to let her know what has and is happening. The alternative is that you never tell and this betrayal comes out after your death, and the only person left to tell the story is a woman in Poland who despises you. Do you really want her to be the one telling your wife and older daughter what happened? This little girl may love you know, but her Mothers contempt will pass on to her and she will soon come to see you as a cowardly cash cow. It is going to be hard, you are going to hurt them, but you will hurt them a lot more by not allowing them their anger and questions.

viques · 05/02/2017 12:45

Oh, i see you have left her money in your will. but still haven't told your family. you really are a cringing coward aren't you, willing to leave a total shitstorm behind you for everyone else to clear up while you smugly tell us how much you love them all.

Pathetic.

Wishforsnow · 05/02/2017 12:46

I think you need to tell your wife first and maybe she would have a better insight as to how your daughter would feel. Don't tell them at the same time. Give your wife time to process it and let her decide what to do next.

refusetobeasheep · 05/02/2017 12:46

Of course you need to tell your wife. You will be exploding a bomb and your current lifestyle is likely to shatter, but in reality this happened the moment your daughter in Poland was born. All else is simply putting off the inevitable.

ImperialBlether · 05/02/2017 12:47

So you are 68 and still working in the UK?

stitchglitched · 05/02/2017 12:47

'They would rather not know' is a valid argument if there is no reason to ever find out. But is this case they WILL find out anyway, the only question is when. 6 years of deception is horrific but it is better than 7 years of deception or even worse finding out when you are dead! Stop being such a coward.

Ginkypig · 05/02/2017 12:48

Look without being insulting your 68 years old so relatively soon (in terms of a lifetime scale) you may be retired so won't have an "excuse" to travel or worse what if your health fails and you can't travel anymore or you die and through that the truth comes out without you having been able to facilitate?

You need to get ahead of this now because it will come out if any of the above happens and do you really want them to meet because there is a fight over your will or your in hospital and they all come to visit on the same day or somthing equally uncontrollable?

I have no opinion on what you did because that won't change it but if I found out my dad did this and hadn't even the respect to tell me himself I'd be very very angry.

SheSparkles · 05/02/2017 12:48

I think your 3rd option of them preferring not to know goes out of the window because you've (quite rightly) written your younger daughter into your will. You need to have a very difficult conversation with your wife.

Should your elder daughter, by some miracle, want a relationship with her half sister, there's no way that's going to happen if the first of her knowing about it is after your death when she finds out the contents of your will.

You have to man up and stop hiding behind a hope that they'd rather not know-a child removes these goalposts.

Jaxhog · 05/02/2017 12:48

What a grubby little secret. So selfish. No way can you tell your DD without telling your wife. And after keeping this a secret for 5 years, don't be surprised if she takes it badly. If she doesn't already know (or suspect). It isn't just your money going towards your second family, it's her money too. Imagine the heartache when you die and your wife finds out that her husband has left money to another family!!

This will not remain a secret for ever, so the sooner you come clean, the sooner your wife and 1st daughter can come to terms with the deceitful, grubby, selfish man you are.

Billben · 05/02/2017 12:49

Your poor wife. Imagine a bombshell like this being dropped on you at your age. I sure as hell wouldn't forgive you for it and you could expect to grow old on your own.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 05/02/2017 12:49

I can't believe you're going to stop this bombshell in your fucking will. At the most painful time for everyone concerned.

I've heard some things in my time but this takes the Biscuit

ShoutOutToMyEx · 05/02/2017 12:50

Drop, even

Original poster
tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:51

Yes I agree that I am pathetic. And am totally ashamed of it.

And yes I am miserable about all of this every day.

Some of you seem to want to just verbalise what an awful person I am. Believe me I know that I am a pathetic coward. I always have been a coward all through my life. I've never 'manned up' to anything. I always run away from problems. Possibly because I was the victim of a violent father. I've been left frightened of my own shadow.

But I would really love to hear from someone who has been through this kind of situation and can tell me if they thought it was best being told.

Can anyone help with that?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/02/2017 12:51

What happens when you retire? Will you stop visiting your daughter?

LexieLulu · 05/02/2017 12:52

You should tell all. If you die tomorrow and your family see your will they will never get over it.
If you tell them now and grovel you could repair relations

HappyFlappy · 05/02/2017 12:53

You have to tell your wife and daughter.

If you really love them you will not want this to come out after your death, with shocking them and destroying their image of you as the husband and father they thought they knew (because if you love you Polish daughter, I assume that you will make provision for her in your will, and even if not, her mother will doubtless start writing when your visits stop).

DOn't be cowardly - have the courage to admit your fault and perhaps even bring both your daughters together (I imagine your older daughter must be around 40 - does she have children of her own?)