Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

What af has said.

Do the decent thing and tell your wife and your daughter that she has a sister. I can't believe you have changed your will and this will be revealed when you are dead and not here to face the music. Coward.

FYI I'm still working because my company is happy with my work and because I am paid not much and because I have a lot of experience! And because of course it suits me to go to Poland on work visits.

And I love working. I would be hopeless sitting around at home.

Again I would love to hear from someone who has been through this.

Is there anyone out there?

Perhaps it's too unusual a situation.

After reading the whole thread you've recently commented on what if they'd rather not know...

Well, you've rewritten you will to include your Polish daughter so they WILL definitely find out. That is going to be incredibly hurtful and difficult for them once they're grieving for you and will make them question if they really knew who you were, why you didn't tell them etc etc

Therefore as they'll find out anyway I think the least you can do is tell them.

Further down the line you'll retire, perhaps suffer health wise (you never know these things) and then what'll happen about visits, money, contact.

But ultimately - they'll find out when you're dead through your will including this girl so it's downright disrespectful to not tell your wife and daughter and try and explain...

I've never had anything like this happen (thank God) but I have been affected by the revelation of a family secret. I can only tell you that it would have been about a thousand times easier to deal with if the person who 'held' the secret was still alive when we all found out. There were so many questions to be answered, reassurance to be given, even contrition offered that would have made things easier to bear. As it is, no one has had a chance to heal, which is unfair.

I think you need to tell your wife and daughter now. What about if your health starts failing? Dementia? You could forget all about your Polish family, truly. You stop going to Poland and your young daughter thinks you've just stopped bothering? There would be no one to tell her otherwise. No one to tell her when you pass away.

Just that awful moment when the will is read and your family all find out you fathered a child in a foreign country in your sixties. The humiliation will be devastating for your wife I should imagine.

My mum used to tell me when I was little and being naughty it wasn't the act that was the worst thing, but the lies to cover it up. I think your wife may feel that way too.

You've lied for so long. But you have a chance to do the right thing. Take it.

☝🏼 What ShoutOut said...

But I don't have an explanation.

I was stupid. I was flattered by a younger women being interested in me. Me! It never occurs to me that any women would be interested in me. I'm old, bald and overweight. Hardly a 'head turner'.

So I have never in my whole life been in a situation where a woman was interested in me. And certainly never a younger woman - she's 20 years younger than me.

So, when she invited me into her hotel room I said yes. And I should have said no.

But I cannot regret it because I love my little 5 year old daughter so much and cannot imagine life without her.

I haven't been through it but I have seen family secrets - my Dad has had affairs that he thinks I don't know about. I was furious at first, and although I never confronted him it did alter our relationship. It is now about 10 years since I first knew and I am not angry anymore. I don't prioritise his feelings above all else like I used to, but I still love him

Facing their anger and disappointment face on will be hard, but if you truly love them you will do it. Because it will be less painful for them to find out now, when they can talk to you and express their hurt and get their questions answered. And you can apologise to them, you can look them in the eye and say how sorry you are for your mistake, but that you love your little daughter and you can't regret her. And hard as it is, you will feel better.

I honestly would be more pissed off to find out on your death because of the will. I would think you both a cheat and a coward. You are being very selfish to both your wife and oldest daughter by not telling them now

Don't kid yourself you are trying to spare their feelings - you are doing it because you are scared to deal with the repercussions

Thank you CashlGirl.

TheAntiBoop
It's both

Really?

I think you need to have a good hard look at yourself and do something selfless for once

Ok so you said yes and there were consequence. Many people have done so before.

I agree with what Shoutout said. I'm sure it will be very hard. But you need to be strong. For that little girl. She is an innocent. And you need to be strong for your family here. I hope you find the courage to do the right thing. If I were your grown up daughter, I would want to know. Just because someone you know responded badly, it doesn't mean your daughter will too. Perhaps she will find having a little sister a beautiful gift once she gets over the shock.

I honestly don't think you have any other choice than to tell them the truth!

If you passed away before your wife could you imagine the upset for both of your Daughters and your wife when the will was read.The shock of that would be robbing them of they're right to grieve for you.

Or even worse if your wife had passed away and then you,your poor Daughters(one of whom had lost both parents and one of whom had lost her dad)then had to deal with the not only having lost a parent but finding this all out through your will,that would be really unkind and could go onto cause them MH and emotional problems for years to come!

You need to do the decent thing and tell them the truth,your Wife first and then your Daughter,presuming that your DD that lives in Poland and her Mum both know about your Wife and DD in England?

You've made the post about your two daughters but the real, immediate concern here is your wife.

Thanks mummyoflittledragon.

I suppose in many ways the personalities of my wife and daughter will define their responses.

I suspect one consequence will be that my English daughter will never speak to me again. Which is one of the many reasons that I am being a coward.

What's done ,is done.yr wife and daughter are grown ups.they will chose to accept this or they won't.the most important person in all this is yr little daughter.she needs a mum and a dad....start thinking how to put her first .

The most important person here is his wife, believe me.

so what you want is for someone to tell you that yes, everything is going to be fine, you will be forgiven, your daughter will love her new sister, your grandchildren will love having a six year old aunt, your wife will immediately write your daughters birthday in her diary so she doesn't forget to send a card.

Well that might happen. Equally they could all stop talking to you.

But you don't know which way it will go in your case, so the ball is in your court. Any one else's experience is irrelevant because all similar circumstances will differ.

YOU have to decide, either tell them now and if things go badly at least hope you have time to work on things and reconcile with your wife and daughter , or not tell and know that after your death there will always be bitterness and soured memories.

If you wife and daughter only find this out when your will is read that would be too terrible! I think the realisation of the continued disception will be even more of a blow than the affair itself as itll be like they never really knew you as your leading a double life, so it be like experiencing two losses at the same time. I think the average person would require a lot of therapy after a blow like this.
Also I think the odds of you getting found out at some point in the future are very high, what if you get sick and your polish daughter wants to visit. What if your polish daughter grows up and decides to out you (which is highly likely if her polish mum starts to poison her against you).
Ultimately your living a lie and the real you died the day you had the affair. Your best chance of happiness is to come clean

You have to realise this.

THEY ARE GOING TO KNOW ONE DAY.

But if they find out after you die, then they will hate you. Cos you will have robbed them of the right to an explanation.

They will have no explanation. Your Polish ex will literally be the only person who will be able to fill in the blanks. Do you trust her enough to say "I initiated it, it was only 5 days, it meant nothing, it was you he loved"????

If you can't, then don't die without giving your side. At least then you can try to repair the betrayal, or if not, at least let your explanation exist in their heads, whatever they choose to do.

My FIL dropped down dead at 66 with NO previous symptoms. He exercised every day. Just cos you're still active doesn't mean you have another twenty years to prevaricate further about what to do for the best.

Well yes, your explanation is s not crap. But it's better than them sitting there after you've died wondering if you ever really loved them at all, if you had more than one affair, if you were in love with this Polish woman, if you ever saw the child or just left her to wonder, if there were other children out there that could come knocking one day.

At least this way you could explain what actually happened. That at least you can control.

If you've amended your will to include your Polish daughter then you obviously have to tell the daughter you raised.

If my father told me this though, I would lose all respect for him and I would not want my mother to waste any more of her life with him. If this is even true, OP got a woman of child bearing age pregnant at 62 or 63? You cheated on your wife because your head was turned. You call it an affair but it was a fling that lasted a few days.

A bit crap even! Can't type today.

You sound terribly unhappy. I think even if you don't tell your English daughter, you can't find happiness. So I think it's a risk you need to take. Yes, you may lose your daughter and/or your wife. But right now, you're living a half life.