Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

I've a horrible feeling that the consequence of telling all will be that I shall never see any of them ever again - wife, daughter, Polish daughter.

Because I presume my wife would want a divorce. And I would want to do the decent thing and give her our house. And money. So I would struggle to find somewhere to live on my meagre earnings whilst paying maintenance to my daughter and ex wife. And yes my job is not going to last forever at my age.

My daughter is a very strong and independent minded feminist. She probably wouldn't want to see me again.

So the three people I love would all vanish from my life.

Which is why I am being a pathetic coward about it all.

mummyoflittledragon. Thanks you are right. I am terribly unhappy.

Has the mum of yr polish daughter got a husband or partner? Why is she so angry to you? Did you promise you would leave yr wife for her and change yr mind? Also why didn't a grown man in his 60s think to use a condom? Bizarre...did the polish mum plan to get pregnant with you? Thinking you had more money than you do? Or did she love you and hope you would leave yr wife for her

You're catastrophizing. This may never happen. Don't you have a pension? Won't your wife get a pension?

I am sorry I must go out and do our weekly supermarket shop.

But thank you all for your help - mostly telling me what an awful person I am :(

Which is of course true.

You sound so sad.

Isn't it their right to make that decision though?

This happened in our family and they didn't find out until the will. It was totally devastating and to wish that on those you leave behind is pretty bad. It's the lies that destroy - the truth hurts but you can deal with it.

It's unlikely they will cut you off if you are fully open and honest

You made a mistake and a child. Do the best for that child financially and emotionally but keep your secret. My father did tell me a woman of a similar age to me night be my half sister and I was disgusted that he cheated on my mother and tried to force me into a friendship with a stranger. My mother nearly divorced him.

Sometimes saying nothing is best. It will probably come out in the end but why hurt other people because you made a mistake. Confession, believe it or not, is not good for the soul. Sometimes it is just a selfish act. Your daughters need for sister is long gone if she has her own children, and your wife certainly doesn't need a surrogate child.

The Polish lady is 48? Your daughter is 5 and was conceived during a 5 day affair in which she made all the advances to you - "old, bald and overweight" English man. Quite a story going on here. Why did you want the DNA test? Instinct telling you something? Was it done by a reputable doctor here in the UK?

If I was your English daughter, I'd be horrified and totally lack respect for your behaviour. All my sympathy would be for my Mum, your wife. I think I would react by never seeing you again which would mean the loss of contact with your grandchildren. I think your wife will divorce you and it will be bitter and hate filled.

You say the Polish lady hates you? She wants you to live there and provide. Not because she loves you?

IF the child is yours, and I have my doubts then my friend you are in a pickle but you already know that.

For the sake of your wife, your English daughter and your grandchildren I am going to suggest you say nothing to them, purely because they do not deserve this damage. For the child in Poland I am going to suggest you set up a Trust for her and cut contact. She will soon despise you as her mother already does and no doubt there will be a Polish man waiting in the wings to step up. I would tell your wife you have met this woman and child and want to contribute meaningfully to someone in need as a charitable act. You are a proven liar so I'm sure you will think of something.

How old is your legitimate daughter OP?

I can offer an opinion based on having been the wife of man who had an affair (fortunately no children produced from it)

I was devastated when I found out - utterly utterly devastated to have been so betrayed on such away. Your wife will be hurt beyond anything you can imagine by what you have done - the affair, the lies the years of deceit. the child is almost incidental.

I can't speak for your wife, but I feel for her as I know if she finds out she will feel her whole world has come crashing down.

Be prepared for the fall out if you tell her. She will never trust you again. Never. She may find you quite repulsive (I couldn't stand my (now ex) husband to touch me or come near me when I found out. She may very well decide (as I did) that she doesn't want to waste any more of her life with someone who is deceitful and who is capable of hurting her so much. She may file for divorce. Be prepared for all of that and more.

As for you adult daughter - I have an adult daughter and son. They are all disgusted by my ex's behaviour even now more than 3 years on. My daughter has virtually no contact with him, by son very minimal contact. Because when you do something like this you change everything they thought was true about you - they question their whole lifetime of memories with you because you are not the man they thought you were. You are a stranger who is capable of a huge act of betrayal.

Be prepared for your daughter to feel this way (she may not,but she may)

As for the child - , my children have expressed having no interest at all in any children (half siblings) my x husband may produce in the future (He has a new partner now, that he met since his affair and our divorce - but my children have still said they are not interested in any future siblings. Of course this is hypothetical and may change if it happens)

The little girl in Poland is innocent in all this and it may be that in future years your adult daughter may want contact - that is her choice.

There is never a good outcome from these things, never a way in which people won't get hurt. If you leave it and your wife out lives you she will find out when you die, she will be similarly devastated at a time of grief.

Your wife may well have an inkling - whatever you may think - in my experience the lies start to contradict each other and suspicions are aroused.

I hope you find a way forward that causes the least distress to your wife and adult daughter - but I fear that is impossible.
One thing - if you tell her be honest with yourself, think deeply, are you telling her because you genuinely think she would be better off knowing or are you telling her because you are finding the secrecy so hard to deal with ? Don't tell her just to relieve yourself of a burden. For once, put your wife and adult daughter first and think hard about what is best for them.

*So, when she invited me into her hotel room I said yes. And I should have said no.

But I cannot regret it because I love my little 5 year old daughter so much and cannot imagine life without her.*

If you tell your wife please do not say this to her - it is awful, and will destroy her.

Well having read the whole thread ,I'm going to go against the grain ,and say...do nothing.carry on as you are..you made a mistake.but why destroy so many lies with the truth? I know this won't be a popular idea...but does your wife and daughter deserve their world turned upside down?... also I wonder if it's possible yr wife knows but is turning a blind eye ..maintenance coming out the account ,hotels ect.maybe she has cottond on and is happier not discussing it...if you really feel you will destroy all their lives ,I feel you should just live with it ,and carry on as you are...if this all comes out in the future somehow,just face it when it does

I think telling them might do more harm than good. Your wife and English daughter will be devastated and it will only benefit you, as you'll finally have everything out in the open and can see your polish daughter more frequently. I guess what I'm saying is perhaps you have to live with this secret and that is your punishment. Don't punish everyone else too as I don't see how else they will ever find out or what good it will do them. Rest assured your eldest daughter will never see your new daughter as the sibling she always wanted, and will never be close to her, given the age gap and circumstances of her conception. Don't fool yourself into thinking she will do anything other than take her mothers side, and you risk losing them both. But in your will I think you should include letters to each of them, explaining and apologising. I'm sure lots of people will disagree, but it seems to me that tearing your family apart over this now, after so many years of lies, would destroy everyone.

Indeed she hates me for not leaving England and going to live with her and our child in Poland.

If it was a brief affair, why would she expect you to leave your family? Did you not tell her you were married? Why didn't you use protection?

Surely you realised what could happen?

I'm not going to bother mentioning the affair because I'm sure you know it was a terrible thing to do.

Sure your wife and adult daughter deserve to know the truth and any reaction they have will be justified.

The main practical reason, and the reason you have to tell them, is because of your Polish daughter. The other 2 women are adults, they have a choice in this matter, they can stick by you or desert you or whatever.
But your little girl is dependent on you and you are her father

It's far from ideal for you to see her every 2 months and have no contact whatsoever. She will get older, become aware of what the situation with and it will, fuck her up. You need to tell your English family so you can be open and honest about the fact you have a dependent child, and therefore have more contact with her. Even if it's over Skype etc.

Children will always suffer the most in situations like these and if you care for her as you say you do, you need to put her first.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

From the point of honesty, yeh. But I don't see it ever achieving much beyond that as they've got too big an age gap and too big a geographical distance to be sisters, they're total strangers with little in common presumably. This is just my opinion no doubt others would disagree.

Everyone makes mistakes none of us are as virtuous as we make out and I'm not judging when Idk you. Hopefully someone who has had experiences like this will be able to give you the advice you need but I doubt it will be from this site

I am pretty shocked by those suggestions Fanciedachange. To advise abandoning a little girl is unkind. Yes, she may have the same feelings as her mother in time. But she doesn't. Yet. And op as her father appears to have a lot of love to offer. A child needs both parents, especially when one is spitting so much bile. The abandonment could have dire consequences and would be the most selfish act to date.

And if they are heartbroken by this news, then unfortunately that is your recompense for making that decision.

The child however is innocent and should not have to suffer to make your life more convenient.

I've had some extremely troubling things kept from me about a family member by other family members. I can tell you without a word of a lie: it is better to know than not to know. Being kept in the dark affected me more than dealing with the knowledge itself.

Tell your wife, OP. The thought of her finding this out when she reads your will after you die is heartbreaking.

i have read the thread and my immediate thought is ..everyone is focussing heavily on your wife and adult daughter and how they should be the most important people in this scenario BUT actually there is a little girl in poland, who only gets a few days every 2 months with her daddy..she will grow up knowing she is second best, a secret, knowing she never shared what her older half sister got with daddy..no christmases, no holidays, no birthdays etc.
by telling..yes the fallout might be bad, but you might get more time with your little daughter, you can openly visit her, and maybe if you wanted fight for a more equal custody of her ?
she is equally as important in all this as the your wife and older daughter

KurriKurri. This isn't really an affair. It's little more than a one night stand. My dh had a drunken night one. No children produced - or stds. We are still together. It was very painful for me. He also didn't use protection.

Two things leap out at me:

1. you say you'd never be fancied by another woman, but yet, you seem to have a wife and older daughter. Don't you remember when you first met your wife? Why did you decide to marry her?

2. The will is really fraud on your wife and daughter as it stands - if your wife dies first, she will think she is leaving her money (half of your shared estate) to you and your shared daughter, but you might end up splitting the estate between your children and giving your wife's inheritance to a strangers daughter, not her own. You need to give your wife the chance to divorce you and extract her half of the finances.
   If you do end up estranged from your English family with limited wealth...this might actually be in the best interests of the younger child, you could go and retire to Poland and provide support in the form of your time as well as money.

theredjellybean

Completely agree. Was very surprised reading many of the responses that the 5 year old girl wasn't at the forefront of most peoples' concerns.

Not having a go btw, just found it surprising. And OP please don't listen to the people telling you to cut contact, your little girl deserves so much more than to be written off like that as I'm sure you know. Please do the right thing no matter what it costs you and be there for her. It's not her fault this happened.

You made a mistake having an affair, that was an awful thing to do. What you should obviously have done is tell your wife and daughter when you knew you the Polish woman was having an affair.

Not doing so was an awful cowardly act.

That said you're not a complete and utter bastard. There are many of those around that would have nothing to do with their new daughter, let alone paying any maintenance or going to see them.

There are also women who have had other men's children and not told their husbands. (I know of two).

But all you can do is accept that you made a terrible mistake. And do all you can to make it right. And that is coming clean. You are coming clean for the right reasons. Not to alleviate your guilt but because it will lessen the pain all around. A good friend of mine lost his father last year and I'm doing so found out he had two half siblings in the will. The fallout and pain was horrendous. They had no one to get Cross at or to discuss it with. It has made grieving very difficult.

Do the right thing. But don't hate yourself too much if you were a true bastard you wouldn't feel bad. You've made a terrible mistake but now are going to have to try and rectify it.

HappyFlappy "How old is your legitimate daughter OP?"

That's stated in the first line of the OP! How can you have missed it?