Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

How do you think she will feel about that when she grows up?

Fairenuff. So you think I should drag the Polish mother through the courts?

You don't have to 'drag' anyone anywhere. Yes, I think you should arrange access through the courts. Hundreds of other parents do this for their children.

MamaDoGood

I have tried to learn Polish. But I am hopeless at languages. I honestly struggle with English - in the sense that I don't know the parts of speech etc and rely on spell check all the time.

I have tried on several occasions and even paid for a native Polish speaker who teaches Polish to teach me for about 2 years. And it got me nowhere. I also went to the local University who have evening classes and again I failed.

When I was at school - a long time ago - I was hopeless at French, I got 5% in one examination.

I am also a bit dyslexic which probably doesn't help me.

Anyway, the reality that I have to accept is that I am never going to manage to learn Polish I'm just too stupid at languages.

Fairenuff. I honestly don't think that the Polish mother will see things your way.

She will certainly see it as being dragged through the courts. And she is clearly fed up with me, so having the courts impose visiting rights upon her for our daughter will really p*ss her off.

And presumably even if I do win visiting rights I suspect she can make it difficult in practice.

Anyway, although we don't get on and I don't like her, I do feel sorry for her. She obviously is not happy. And she has to bring up our daughter. Which is a huge amount of work.

I would see going to the courts as a very last resort.

It won't matter what you do. Unless it ends with you rebuilding a relationship with your dd2 she'll feel you didn't give a shit and your dd1 will question exactly who you are to cheat, lie, deceive for so long.

It doesn't matter what she thinks. That's what everyone has been trying to tell you. Your daughter is a child. She is innocent in all of this.

Your daughter deserves to have you in her life. Even if her mother is against it. Unless you are a risk to her.

Going to court for access is perfectly normal. Plenty of people do it when the adults can't agree because it's not about them. It's about the child.

Fairenuff is right! It doesn't matter what the PM thinks. If you go through the Polish courts (and you already know you can do that) and you are granted visitation/access rights (however it is termed in Poland) then it won't matter what the PM thinks. She can get mad as hell but she will still have to facilitate your PD spending time with you. And that's what's important.

You have had a relationship with this child. And now that relationship has been taken away from her. You say you love her. But if you aren't willing to fight for her then you don't really love her at all, do you?

AcrossthePond55

You see you say 'fight for her' which I find a very aggressive way at looking at the situation.

The last thing that needs to happen is to fight.

What should happen is dialogue - jaw jaw rather than war war.

As for it being commonplace for people to go to court to obtain visitation rights, I must say that I didn't realise that.

Where I do agree with all recent posters is that resolving visiting my PD is more important that dealing with the other issues at the moment.

I shall consider the legal option but as I say it seem unduly harsh on the PM.

I hope that if I keep sending emails to her (albeit via my wife) the PM will relent.

I shall also try snail mail in case she has blocked me on her email.

Anyway, as always many thanks all of you for your kind help

The reason I was confused about which daughter was being referred to was because I have no means of communicating with her
WTF? So 'younger daughter' confused you because you don't see her? You have two daughters. One older, one younger. How the fuck is that confusing?
It seems to me that you just want to be cruel to me
Whine, whiney, McWhine. Plenty of suggestions have been given but you don't like them.
Sorry but I was responding to this comment from SpareASquare
The damage you are, and will cause your younger daughter, is simply collateral damage of YOU making things easier for YOU.

As I keep saying the Polish mother will not respond to any communication so I cannot see how I can resolve the matter? I would love to be part of my Polish daughter's life. But if her mother won't let me then what can I do?
You WERE seeing your youngest daughter until you handed over full control to your wife. You choose not to get it back and stand up for your daughter. You've thrown her under the bus to make life easier for YOU. Don't you dare say there's 'nothing you can do'. You CHOSE to abandon her. Why the fuck should the mother have run everything through your wife.? So you can sit back and say 'it's all too hard now.'

There are times when I wonder if the OP is using this thread in lieu of a dominatrix - being repeatedly told off by lots of women and trying to reinforce our low opinion of him seem to be his key motivators for posting...surely nobody is this cripplingly passive and self-sabotaging in real life?

It would appear that this entire thread is a waste of time.

OP isn't going to take ANY matters into his own hands. Everything is now up to his wife. Yes he hurt her but that doesn't put her in control.

He chooses not to take the legal route to fight for younger daughter

He chooses not to tell older daughter

He chooses to allow his wife control.

Chooses chooses chooses. All to make his own life easier without drama.

OP your wife is on to a good thing with you. She no doubt feels too old to start again, you say she leads a separate life to you, so surely she realises that financially she couldn't start over either. She also has a share of your pension pot. She won't leave you. And even if she did, you deserve it! YOU HAD AN AFFAIR!!!!!

I never understand parents that won't fight or travel to the ends of the earth for their kids.

You need to control the emails again and all contact (you say the polish mother won't allow contact BECAUSE it is through your wife).

Have you considered your poor daughter in this? Your younger one? She has lost all contact with you!

I haven't read the whole thread but my father had twins at 70 with his 3rd wife (who was more or less my age) when I was in my 30s. His marriage had resulted from one of many affairs he had when he was with my mother.

I love the children; they're lovely and totally blameless. But, largely because of my father's behaviour over the years, I am no longer in contact with him.

Does your daughter have children? I found it very hard that my father had new children when I was struggling to conceive for years. That was very hard to take. There was also something very shaming for me as a woman to see my father with someone my age. It felt as though I was now so old I should only expect 70 year olds to find me attractive.

Don't make this your wife and daughter's problem. This is your guilt. You need to live with it.

"OP your wife is on to a good thing with you. "

She really, really isn't. I hope she is protecting herself financially and emotionally.

A lot of speculation.

As the Polish mother will not communicate with me - albeit via my wife - I cannot see any solution other than to keep trying to contact her or go down the legal route. Which I think would be too unpleasant for her.

Also, due to lack of communication I have no idea what the situation is over there. She may have met another partner for example. Who knows.

However, I am pressing on with snail mail - sent a card today (vetted) - and emails.

Some of you seem too unduly harsh on my wife, she's been through hell. So her behaviour is understandable.

The result of telling my wife has not been a totally positive experience. Hence my aversion to doing anything too dramatic until after counselling, when hopefully I shall be in a better place to make decisions.

These last few months have been awful for everyone concerned - wife, PM, PD and me.

Perhaps taking some time to stand back and hope that the PM resumes contact is not a bad policy at the moment.

debbs77. I said it MAY be the reason the PM won't communicate. Nobody knows what her reasons are. I was trying to guess what her reasons are, as I know her personality - a bit. Though I am not 'emotionally intelligent' so maybe I misread her.

I really can't be bothered with this thread any more. It is dragging on and on and on and will continue to do so!

I know his wife has been to hell and back......my point is that she won't leave him whatever he does I don't reckon

PerspicaciaTick I said something similar earlier on this thread though not so blunt as you

I also think OP is using this thread to meet some need of his own.

OP honestly talking to you is a waste of time. You just keep going on and on about the same thing and seem to blame everyone else for your problems other than yourself. This whole putting yourself down act is getting old. You have 2 options. Either man up, fight for your PD, tell your ED and get it over with, or just wallow in your own misery as you have been doing and do nothing. I'm pretty sure we all know which one you'll choose. Just leave the thread now, your recent post are all getting annoyingly repetitive.

Since you are only interested in 'helpful' responses I would suggest the following;

1. Stop playing the victim. It doesn't matter how many times you complain about nasty Polish mother seducing you or stopping contact, or nasty wife not sleeping with you for years, these circumstances have been brought about by your selfish actions.

1. Stop the selfish, self-pitying 'Oh poor me!' attitude.

1. Stop choosing the course of action that is easiest for you regardless of how it affects everyone else. You have been given good advice on this thread (gong through the courts to see DD2 etc) but you ignore it to make your own life easier.

1. Stop using your childhood as an excuse for behaving badly. I had a terrible childhood myself, and it has had a huge effect on my adult life, but you do know right from wrong. You didn't lie for 5 years about DD2 because your father was violent, you did it to make your life easier.

1. Stop expecting everyone else to take control and make your decisions for you.

1. If this is genuine I suspect all you want is sympathy which I think would be much easier to find on a forum for cheating spouses. However given that you seem to be able to passive aggressively confront posters who call out your rubbish and disagree with you, I think this is probably not genuine and agree with Perspicacia that what you are looking for is for women to call you pathetic. There are forums for that too.

Hope that's helpful enough for you!

Seriously ted? I'm not suggesting you go and punch PM in the nose and make off with your PD. Don't try to negate the common sense of what I'm saying by picking one word (used metaphorically) and choosing to translate it literally. You knew exactly what I meant!

But as usual, you will accept wholeheartedly any sympathy or advice that suits your wants and reject any common sense advice to actually DO something.

And who is the real loser here? Your poor PD. She has now lost her father, poor little thing. And she will learn that her father did not care enough to fight for her rights to a relationship with both her parents.

I am surprised at the strength of some of your feelings.

You seem to believe in the survival of the fittest. Anyone who is weak, like me, should be trampled on.

Not all of us have strong personalities. We aren't all the same.

And as I keep repeating there is very little that I can do at the moment.

The bizarre thing is that you accuse me of saying the same thing over and over again. The reason for that is that several of you keep repeating the same unpleasant comment to me. So I reply with the same answers. Because there really isn't an immediate and straightforward solution.

But you don't seem interested in that simple truth. You think there is some magic solution.

There isn't.

Nobody could resolve this situation quickly! It's not possible and anyone who thinks it is has no perspective on the realities of the situation.

So constantly bombarding me with the same criticisms doesn't move things on. It just results in me having to give the same answers because there isn't an answer that works.

I actually wonder what you would do in this situation? I don't mean in a delusional sense. I mean what would you really do? Some of you forget human emotions. I don't want to be horrible to the PM even though I have no feelings for her. She is still a human and deserving of respect, like my wife and daughter.

Oh well in that case...

Poor, poor you OP. I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

Why don't you have a sit down and a brew while we all talk about what a lovely kind man you are. Everything would be okay if it weren't for those women stopping you doing the right thing.

It is all completely out of your control. Just do absolutely nothing and it will all resolve itself.

Poor you.

There is PLENTY you can do. Any parent worth their salt would move heaven and earth to see their child. Yes you should get a court order to see your daughter! Because that is what it is going to take. It isn't pleasant but it is the right thing to do.

Everyone feels strongly because so many of us have been the mother in this situation, or the wife.

debbs77 are you saying that as a mother/wife you would welcome someone you had a very brief relationship with taking you to court in order to obtain visitation rights?????