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Probably going down in flames...

(211 Posts)
Ophelialovescats Fri 04-May-18 18:40:58

I am saying something here that I cannot say in real life , so ,here goes....I am looking forward to my elderly mother's death...
OMG ! I am evil !

hatgirl Fri 04-May-18 18:43:38

Not evil.

Theres a reason why pneumonia used to be referred to as Old Man's Friend.

Midthreademergencynamechange Fri 04-May-18 18:44:41

Not at all. Sometimes it is a blessed relief all round when someone dies.

Ophelialovescats Fri 04-May-18 18:47:40

Thank you for those messages...she is not physically unwell , just a massive burden due to self obsession (and depression) .
She was not always a good mother to me , treating me differently to my siblings,which makes me feel resentful of having to care for her .

CMOTDibbler Fri 04-May-18 18:50:30

Not evil. It will be a blessing when my mum and dad die - effectively mum died years ago when dementia took everything that was her, and dad is in massive pain all the time with no quality of life.

Mountainsoutofmolehills Fri 04-May-18 18:51:16

My uncle told me there is a relief when elderly parents die. Like being emancipated.

Eryri1981 Fri 04-May-18 18:55:08

My dad died from an aggressive brain tumour in the summer, the diagnosis the year before was devastating, losing the dad I had known all my life when he walked off to the anaesthetics room before his neurosurgery was when I did almost all of my grieving. His death 11 months later was a massive relief, and the bout of pneumonia he got was a gift.

Blobbyweeble Fri 04-May-18 18:57:40

I was relieved when both my parents died and I loved them both, they were the best parents but it was time. I miss them dreadfully but I couldn’t, in all conscience, wish them still alive, in pain and unhappy.

craigglen Fri 04-May-18 19:02:17

If you were saying that because she was elderly and I'll I would sympathise. I faced a situation with a parent where I realised that them dying was the best option for them.
Wishing someone dead for the reasons you mention - no, I don't think that's ok. It doesn't sit comfortably with me.

Wolfiefan Fri 04-May-18 19:04:59

Why do you have to care for her? I'd be NC if my parents made me feel like that.

Izzywigs Fri 04-May-18 19:09:50

My mother died 2 years ago at 94. Thus ending my 70years of torment. I looked after her till the day she died. I felt that I had been let out of prison, it was such a relief.
I really believe that if MN had been around when I was younger I would have had the courage to walk away.

thesandwich Fri 04-May-18 20:00:21

You are not evil at all. There are many here who understand and will nod in agreement. The unfair treatment is also one many of us recognise. Vent away.

Ophelialovescats Fri 04-May-18 20:24:37

Wolf, I am part of her care team alongside my sister and brother. I dreading my turns with her because she is impossible. I can care for her physically, bathing, dressing,etc., but being with her is unbearable,as she is totally self obsessed. She takes no interest in me or my family and I feel like a servant around her.

JoanFrenulum Fri 04-May-18 20:26:21

I've a friend whose similar mother recently died. One didn't know what to say; "condolences" was clearly inappropriate, but "congratulations" didn't feel quite right either.

Penfold007 Fri 04-May-18 20:28:00

Ophelialovescats are you my DSis? No your not evil.

Wolfiefan Fri 04-May-18 20:50:06

So don't do it? She can sort professional help.

HollowTalk Fri 04-May-18 20:55:28

Maybe for your own mental health, you need to back off now and say someone else will have to do it instead. It sounds really awful for you.

picklemepopcorn Fri 04-May-18 20:56:36

Ophelia, many of us recognise your feelings, thanks

It's not evil, it's desperation. It's unrelenting.

Ophelialovescats Fri 04-May-18 21:07:18

Thank you for your kind posts .
I am stuck with the situation, unfortunately, as I have a good relationship with my siblings and don't want to leave all the care to them.

picklemepopcorn Fri 04-May-18 21:11:58

Well, as the sibling who is stuck, thank you!

That's not strictly true, by the way. I live at a distance, but support by phone. The others do t support at all at the moment.

Because she is really hard to deal with.

ALemonyPea Fri 04-May-18 21:16:53

You’re not evil at all. I felt the same towards the end of my MILs life. She had so many things wrong with her, she was miserable, she mad everyone around her miserable, and she just wasn’t the same person she was when she had been well.

Death can, at times like this, be a blessing, a release from whatever is making that person suffer.

Just remember the good times when you’re at the end of your tether, and through clenched teeth, remember they weren’t always like this.

💐 for you op

Ophelialovescats Fri 04-May-18 23:40:30

That's very true ALe.

Scrabbler3 Fri 04-May-18 23:44:08

I agree with everyone else. Wishing you welll, OP

Ophelialovescats Fri 04-May-18 23:44:12

Picklemepopcorn, why are you thanking me ?
I live in a separate country to my mum, my siblings live nearby , I travel to see her to give my sibs s break regularly.

picklemepopcorn Sat 05-May-18 07:33:23

I know it doesn't directly affect me, but every time someone goes NC with a difficult parent, or just avoids facing the situation, someone somewhere usually has to pick up the pieces! I think it's great you and your siblings are supporting each other, and wish my family functioned better.

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