I feel torn between husband & son

(487 Posts)
Carmelle Sun 02-May-21 21:07:24

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.
Please help!

OP’s posts: |
Whitchurch Sun 02-May-21 21:10:59

I think it's time your son started looking for his own place.

Shoxfordian Sun 02-May-21 21:12:31

Yeah your son should look for his own place
I wouldn’t be thrilled about it if I were your husband

purpleme12 Sun 02-May-21 21:14:19

I agree with you

Porcupineintherough Sun 02-May-21 21:15:02

Can your son afford a decent place to live? I would want my children and grandchildren to be welcome in my home, esp if one of my sons became a father at such a young age.

osbertthesyrianhamster Sun 02-May-21 21:15:39

Your son needs to learn to be a father to his child rather than expecting his Ma to enable him. I wouldn't want a baby or toddler round regularly, been there, done that.

Your son needs to get his own place and start being a man.

MichelleScarn Sun 02-May-21 21:16:08

Who cares for dgs when he stays at yours? If your dh has sleep disturbed as you are primary carer then, he inbu.

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Unanananana Sun 02-May-21 21:17:07

Your son needs his own place to have his son stay. Your DH would probably be happier to put up with it if there is an end date to disturbed nights.

RachelRaven Sun 02-May-21 21:18:15

Your son is a father and an adult. He needs his own place.

Carmelle Sun 02-May-21 21:18:39

MichelleScarn

Who cares for dgs when he stays at yours? If your dh has sleep disturbed as you are primary carer then, he inbu.


My son cares for him. But of course we are all in the living room together, bed time of grandson cries it washes my husband up xXx

OP’s posts: |
Hoppinggreen Sun 02-May-21 21:19:05

I think if your son is old enough to Procreate he is old enough to leave his Mum

Springsnake Sun 02-May-21 21:19:20

Totally disagree with all the posters above ,my children’s children will always be welcome in my home .
It’s not that easy at 21 to just move out
Better to stay out and save for a morgage
My husband would never complain about any grandchildren staying over ,but that’s because they are his children
I think your husband is totally unreasonable

PatrickBatemann Sun 02-May-21 21:19:30

osbertthesyrianhamster

Your son needs to learn to be a father to his child rather than expecting his Ma to enable him. I wouldn't want a baby or toddler round regularly, been there, done that.

Your son needs to get his own place and start being a man.

This.

If he can father a baby, he can stand on his own two feet and get his own place.

Springsnake Sun 02-May-21 21:20:07

Stay put ,not stay out

ForgedInFire Sun 02-May-21 21:20:21

Depending on the area you live in and sons income it could be next to impossible for him to rent somewhere appropriate to bring the baby. I would hate to put him in a situation where he couldn't have that time, yes he is an adult but a fairly young one. I think your husband is being unreasonable and it's sad that it doesn't sound like he considers the child to be his grandchild.

Carmelle Sun 02-May-21 21:20:27

Porcupineintherough

Can your son afford a decent place to live? I would want my children and grandchildren to be welcome in my home, esp if one of my sons became a father at such a young age.


That's the problem .. my son can't afford his own place at the moment.
I would hate him to force him out and he be struggling xXx

OP’s posts: |
TooBored1 Sun 02-May-21 21:21:34

Does your son contribute to the household expenses?

Though tbh, I think I'd take your son's side any day. Helping him develop a strong bond with his child is the best thing you can do for your grandchild.

LuaDipa Sun 02-May-21 21:22:00

In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

I think it probably would. He doesn’t feel for your dgc in the same way that you do. You have to decide if that is acceptable to you.

osbertthesyrianhamster Sun 02-May-21 21:22:59

ForgedInFire

Depending on the area you live in and sons income it could be next to impossible for him to rent somewhere appropriate to bring the baby. I would hate to put him in a situation where he couldn't have that time, yes he is an adult but a fairly young one. I think your husband is being unreasonable and it's sad that it doesn't sound like he considers the child to be his grandchild.

Why should he consider this child to be his grandchild, he's not.

UseMyName Sun 02-May-21 21:23:32

Why should your husband have less than a say than you? Your son needs to grow up and get a place of his own.

Annasgirl Sun 02-May-21 21:23:43

I think you are being a little but evasive OP.

Does your 21 year old son, who still lives at home with you, really take 100% some care of his baby when he has the baby?

Do you work OP?
Does your husbands job fund your home?
Are any of your DC your husband’s children?

These answers will help us flesh it all out. Also is the 21 year old working and if so who minds the baby while he is at work?

Laaaayla Sun 02-May-21 21:24:14

21 is not an unreasonable age to still be living at home these days. I’d far rather my grandchild was spending time at mine than in a bedsit or a dodgy flat share.

Sushirolls Sun 02-May-21 21:24:17

Springsnake

Totally disagree with all the posters above ,my children’s children will always be welcome in my home .
It’s not that easy at 21 to just move out
Better to stay out and save for a morgage
My husband would never complain about any grandchildren staying over ,but that’s because they are his children
I think your husband is totally unreasonable

I totally agree.

I have my DGS's regularly overnight during the week to give DD a break, as I work weekends.

Yes sometimes dh gets woken if they're unsettled (baby & toddler) but he deals with it because they're his DGS's. He even gets up with them and lets me lay in as they all wake at stupid o'clock 😂 and he wakes him to take over when he needs to go to work.

OwlBasket Sun 02-May-21 21:24:38

Ideally DS would have his own place, obviously. It sounds like he’s doing his utmost to be a good father and I applaud you for supporting that.

How is DH with your other sons? Do you still enjoy your relationship?

ForgedInFire Sun 02-May-21 21:24:57

osbertthesyrianhamster Because when he married OP they became a family? I consider both of my parents partners to be grandparents to my DC and they feel the same way. Genetics aren't everything

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