Husband drinking is destroying our relationship

(136 Posts)
Kingk1 Mon 27-May-19 12:10:40

Needing advice please. My husband drinking is getting out of control and I feel like leaving him. He has always liked a drink but since we have moved to a new area with pubs in walking distance his drinking is getting out of control. I have spoke to him when he's sober and explained how I feel he promises to cut down then couple of nights later hes bck binge drinking again. He owns a small company and work can be stressful but he has hired an excellent manager who takes alot of the stress off him but he still drinks heavily. When he goes out most times straight after work he gets so drunk he has to be carried home from pub in early hours, he causes arguments with me which I hve now learnt to ignore, a few occasions he has fallen when walking home and injured himself. Recently he has been getting into fights. Last nights shangiangs he went out at 5pm on his own to see a local singer I stayed at home as my son and his girlfriend visited from university for the weekend. He said he be home about 8pm at 1.00am my son woke me as a guy from the pub had carried him home because he was in a fight. He had blood on his face and clothes his lip was swollen and his ankle had a bone stuck out. I had to ring an ambulance. He has smashed in ankle in 3 places and needs surgery , hospital are keeping him in for a Wk. I got home at 6am from hospital totally exhausted, and feeling so let down again.
My dilemma: he has no phone, money, cigs and needs PJ's and toothbrush etc I feel like just leaving him there with nothing and letting him feel the brunt of his actions. I'm fed up covering for him with work, his family etc because he promises he will cut down but he's actually getting worse! Am I cruel to want to leave him in hospital with nothing or do I stand by him. My son who is 18 and lives with us is witnessing all this behaviour and I feel it's not fair on him . Sorry for the long post.

OP’s posts: |
Snuffalo Mon 27-May-19 12:24:10

Take steps to secure your finances and the. tell him he’s either going immediately seek a referral for alcohol abuse treatment or you are going to live separately until he does. Ideally he finds his own living arrangements but you need to follow through even if it means moving out.
Enabling him is NOT supporting him and standing by him. The kindest thing you can do for him is to make it difficult for him to continue as he is while you keep things going at home. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions.

needsahouseboy Mon 27-May-19 12:27:21

Leave him, I also wouldn’t be taking him stuff in hospital. He had shown you no respect, kindness or consideration.

MatildaTheCat Mon 27-May-19 12:28:43

I would pack him the essentials he needs and write him a letter telling him he has to choose, drink or you. I’d leave that back at reception and leave. He then has a week to consider your terms.

I wouldn’t visit and I might not put in his phone. If he called I would ignore. He has a week with no contact at all, hopefully no alcohol and some time to reflect.

I’m sorry, it’s a horrible situation but this is the catalyst for change.

Icecreamcake86 Mon 27-May-19 12:31:57

Sorry to hear this, i can understand your frustration but honestly i would have left him there with nothing. If you rally around him after he has behaved like that then its showing him his behaviour is ok. Its not. Be strong and stand up for you and your family. You can do this 😉

Frownette Mon 27-May-19 12:32:56

It sounds a bit extreme, not like the average overindulgence; sorry you're going through this.

Do you want to stay with him? If he's lucky enough to have the chance of a relationship again with you the change comes from himself. For now, it's over.

Undies1990 Mon 27-May-19 12:35:20

This is awful and I think you know what you need to do - kick him out.
Please don't go running to the hospital, leave him to deal with this alone otherwise you would be seen to be supporting him.

Leave him, he has no respect for you. Protect your son too.

Good luck and stay strong

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EKGEMS Mon 27-May-19 12:35:28

Think of it this way-he's having an extra marital relationship with alcohol and until he decides he wants to end it he won't change. I bet he's under observation for alcohol withdrawal in hospital (which will not be pretty to see if it happens) Maybe his physician and nurse will tell him the truth about his addiction

Seniorschoolmum Mon 27-May-19 12:36:54

Op, I’m so sorry. My ex was the same. If we went out, he would get so drunk he could barely walk, and if I got him into the car to drive him home, I had to leave him in the car until cold or cramp would wake him.
I had a two year old and I couldn’t bear the thought of ds growing up thinking that was acceptable. I tried everything but ex refused to see there was an issue so I left. There was just no choice.
Until your dh agrees to go to AA and accepts he has a problem, you can’t win.
As others have said, secure your finances and ask him to leave. Maybe the shock will get through to him.

happyhillock Mon 27-May-19 12:42:06

I left my EXP because of exactly the same thing 3 weeks ago, all my headache's and anxiety have gone because life is a lot calmer, i wouldn't be taking him thing's in hospital he's made your life miserable leave him to it.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername Mon 27-May-19 12:46:00

This isn't meant to be nasty, not by any means, but you are enabling this. I have been in the exact same place as you are now. My DHs counsellor told me I was the enabler. My DH used to come home in the same state as yours. I would put him to bed, patch him up, cover up for him etc etc. Rinse and repeat....over and over again. One day I refused to go with him in the ambulance, refused to visit him in the hospital, and refused to having him back home on discharge. It worked. ...bloody awful time and I felt like shit the whole time....but it worked. He realised he couldn't keep going the way he was, and leaving me to pick up the pieces. Good luck op

DockerDre Mon 27-May-19 12:47:08

I think you need to try to be kind while he's in hospital. It's a miserable place to be. With no phone or cigarettes, he'll likely discharge himself. You made vows in sickness and in health? What did you think sickness would look like? Now is not the time to be cruel.
Of course, you can listen to every other poster who will post on this thread and leave him to rot in his hospital bed.
There's a time, a place and a way to address this. Now is not the time IMO.
If you want to end the marriage, do that, but I wouldn't be cruel to someone who has landed on their arse. There's a phrase 'kicking someone when they're down'. It means, quite literally, getting the boot in when someone is unable to defend themselves.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername Mon 27-May-19 12:49:45

Sorry, I've just re-read that, and it sounds like I'm saying its your fault. Absolutely not meant that way at all. Its nobodys fault but your DHs....but whilst he is doing this, he knows, in the back of his mind, that you're going to be there, picking up his pieces, for the sake of your family. Whilst he knows is security is in place, he'll carry on ifyswim

Stuckforthefourthtime Mon 27-May-19 12:51:47

What Snuffalo said, and find your local Al-Anon group for families and loved ones of alcoholics. Try to get your son to go to, listening to what he has to say could be helpful for staying strong. Remember he is watching too, and children of alcoholics have a much higher chance of experiencing the same issues - your actions now can reinforce that this is never ok.

Maybe your son can drop the essentials off at the hospital? Only toothbrush and pjs though. He doesn't need pampering or more money, and cigarettes will only stop him from healing properly (maybe some patches? Or he can spend his own cash).

Just remember that leaving him to it is the best thing for all three of you. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, he's not ready to fix it yet, and any help you provide is only likely to delay him realising he needs to change.

Pumperthepumper Mon 27-May-19 12:53:38

DockerDre the advice given when dealing with alcoholics is to help them as little as possible, so they can’t ignore the devastation their drinking causes. It’s not cruelty, or unkindness, it’s forcing them to see the effects.

DockerDre Mon 27-May-19 12:54:29

So you think kicking someone when they're down is the way to address things? No. That's what cowards do.
By all means hit him with an ultimatum frying pan when he's home and well, but I don't know why you all take vows of in sickness and in health when you run like fuck at the first sign of sickness.
On the plus side, if they do keep him in and if he's been honest about his drinking, they will detox him while there. He has a good basis then to reduce or eliminate his drinking.

Pumperthepumper Mon 27-May-19 12:55:02

Did you read my post?

DockerDre Mon 27-May-19 12:55:12

the advice given when dealing with alcoholics is to help them as little as possible

By whom?

Pumperthepumper Mon 27-May-19 12:56:37

Al-anon and AA

DockerDre Mon 27-May-19 12:57:53

The two most fucked up cults on the planet...

MitziK Mon 27-May-19 12:58:23

By other alcoholics, usually.

expatinspain Mon 27-May-19 12:59:46

He has got himself in a situation where cutting down isn't an option. He has to give up drinking. I would give him the opportunity to do this and a final chance on the basis he gets help for his addiction. If he messes up, then that's it. Alcoholism is an illness and
sometimes it takes a wake up call like this for the alcoholic to realise they have a problem. If he still can't see he has a problem and is adamant that he will "cut down" rather than abstain, then you have no choice but to end things now.,

Pumperthepumper Mon 27-May-19 12:59:59

The two most fucked up cults on the planet...

Ah, I see. You’re not here to help but to ‘get the boot in*.

CarolDanvers Mon 27-May-19 13:00:48

I have been in this position and was also his enabler. It didn't help that his family had been enabling him for decades and once we married it was clear that enabling him was now my job. The day I refused to cover/help/support his drinking was the day he attacked me because I finally said no, and I threw him out with the help of the police.

In the position you're in now I would take him a bag of essentials to the hospital, just as I would for any friend or acquaintance in such circumstances and then I would take steps to end the marriage. Alcoholics being utter chaos and horror to their families. No one would believe it if you told them how bad it was, you only get it when you live it. There's nothing you can do, nothing.

DockerDre Mon 27-May-19 13:00:58

OP, you can't change him. Withdraw support, don't. It will make fuck all difference. If he wants to change his life, he will. If he doesn't he won't. What you can do is divorce him/fuck him out/whatever. But while he's vulnerable and alone in hospital is not the time for it.

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