Husband drinking is destroying our relationship

[Kingk1]

Needing advice please. My husband drinking is getting out of control and I feel like leaving him. He has always liked a drink but since we have moved to a new area with pubs in walking distance his drinking is getting out of control. I have spoke to him when he's sober and explained how I feel he promises to cut down then couple of nights later hes bck binge drinking again. He owns a small company and work can be stressful but he has hired an excellent manager who takes alot of the stress off him but he still drinks heavily. When he goes out most times straight after work he gets so drunk he has to be carried home from pub in early hours, he causes arguments with me which I hve now learnt to ignore, a few occasions he has fallen when walking home and injured himself. Recently he has been getting into fights. Last nights shangiangs he went out at 5pm on his own to see a local singer I stayed at home as my son and his girlfriend visited from university for the weekend. He said he be home about 8pm at 1.00am my son woke me as a guy from the pub had carried him home because he was in a fight. He had blood on his face and clothes his lip was swollen and his ankle had a bone stuck out. I had to ring an ambulance. He has smashed in ankle in 3 places and needs surgery , hospital are keeping him in for a Wk. I got home at 6am from hospital totally exhausted, and feeling so let down again.
My dilemma: he has no phone, money, cigs and needs PJ's and toothbrush etc I feel like just leaving him there with nothing and letting him feel the brunt of his actions. I'm fed up covering for him with work, his family etc because he promises he will cut down but he's actually getting worse! Am I cruel to want to leave him in hospital with nothing or do I stand by him. My son who is 18 and lives with us is witnessing all this behaviour and I feel it's not fair on him . Sorry for the long post.

I don’t think anyone with experience of alcoholism would say ‘just be kind to him and have the conversation later’ - the rock bottom situations are horrible but they’re so necessary for any kind of realisation or improvement.

FINALLY someone who doesn't think that kicking someone when they're down is a good plan! This is just so disingenuous and unkind to the posters who have shared their experience.

@Pumperthepumper who has said just be kind and have the conversation later ?

Sorry you’re both going through this. I also have had a lot of experience of problems with an alcoholic partner unfortunately. Your own boundaries are what is important. You can’t choose what he does. Do you want to live like this? Worried about him? Unable to depend on him? Unable to trust what he says? If you don’t, then tell him this.

He can then make his own choice about how to live ; is drink more important? Unfortunately very often for a lot of our partners they choose alcohol. If that happens then you need to split up. That is not kicking him when he’s down, that is protecting yourself. Al anon is a very useful source of support. In my experience AA is an amazing organisation, but it’s definitely only helpful if someone really wants to change. Look after yourself OP. Whether you take him his stuff to hospital is up to you; but it’s what happens after this that’s important. Good luck

now is the time to intervene break the cycle and get him help

You're making it her problem though.

1. It's his problem.
2. What "help" do you think she going to get for him?

pointythings, where does the op say it's gone well past that point

From the OP:
I have spoke to him when he's sober and explained how I feel he promises to cut down then couple of nights later hes bck binge drinking again

I read that as more than one attempt however either way she has had that "heart to heart" and he has made all the promises usually made by alcoholics and acted on them on the way most alcoholics act until the reach the point where they accept they have a problem.

Emotional blackmail about "you made vows about sickness and health" doesn't magic away the reality that "standing by" in addiction usually means tolerating abuse both by the partner and any children.

You're making it her problem though.

^^This. In spades.

You can't 'get an alcoholic help'. They have to seek it out because they want to change. Anything else is leading the proverbial horse to water.

His circus, his monkeys.

PS; another thing that is really important in my experience is DON’T EVER COVER FOR HIM, not work, not nothing. It’s not your problem to lie about. It is up to him. Things really changed for me when I stopped feeling his shame as mine and handed it back to him. Don’t hide it, get support for yourself.

bourbonbiccy all the people who are suggesting that she takes him in his stuff and helps him deal with it.

@Mistigri yes it is him with the addiction problem but that does not mean she can not support him while he goes through it.

I am well aware he is the one who has to change and want to change. They can start by talking and arrange for him to attend AA meetings, find out off the staff what is available in their area. Arrange a meeting with an alcohol pyscologist/therapist.

@Pumperthepumper but that is not what's being suggested. What's being suggested is deal with it now !! But don't just ignore him and leave him without any if his belongings and contact

@Dockerdre, I’m also interested to know whether you have ever actually lived with an alcoholic. From your answers it doesn’t seem like you have. The reality is very much different from a theoretical basis. And those of us who have lived through the horror seem to have a very consistent take on it. That’s no coincidence. It’s wisdom gained through years of trying different things. In the end you realise you don’t have any control at all! It’s all up to them!

Some people understand alcoholism. You don't.
This

As usual on these threads,there is a lot of wrong information being given a out AA and Al-anon,by people who have never attended either group.
And this

To be fair I think it was just 2, possibly 3, posters waffling about AA. Most posters recommend Al Anon because they have used it with fewer recommending AA for the same reason - which only tells you that fewer MN posters are happy to say they are ex / alcoholics than there are those saying they are ex co dependents.

I can't remember anyone from either camp saying the AA or Al Anon are either total shite or the perfect answer. Just that they are very good when they work.

I hope OP manages to do what is best for her and her DC without too much if a heavy heart.

The most I would do is contact the hospital and make them aware (if they aren’t already) about the extent of his drink problem. This is a rare opportunity for him to be safely withdrawn from it.

I am so sorry OP, this must be so tough. Your choice is go or stay. If you stay its going to be a long road helping him recover - if he wants to recover - however it might be a road worth taking if he is willing. Or you go. If he recognises he has a problem and is willing to work at it, and you love him and are also willing to work at it, then do it. I wish you so much love and luck, its not easy xx

In the end you realise you don’t have any control at all! It’s all up to them!

That's my point. So not bringing him is stuff in hospital is going to make jack shit of a difference.

"I am well aware he is the one who has to change and want to change. They can start by talking and arrange for him to attend AA meetings, find out off the staff what is available in their area. Arrange a meeting with an alcohol pyscologist/therapist."

This is good in theory, but if the person with the problem doesn't actually yet see that they have one, it's a waste of time.

I echo the posters saying to walk away. I spent 5 years with an alcoholic. He ended up dead as a result. I tried the softly, softly approach. He paid lip service, made empty promises and said things would change. Guess what? They didn't because he was in denial.

It's a terribly difficult situation that you are in OP, but now is the time to put yourself and your son first.

Sorry to hear about all this OP. Do you know anything about the details of the fight at the pub and what happened? Is anyone pressing charges? Did the person who brought him home give any details? You might be getting an unwelcome visit from the police for all you know. I would establish from your husband exactly what happened on the night. It might get to be a much bigger decision for you than whether or not to take his belongings into the hospital for him.

This was my father (long since deceased) He would behave like this again and again, creep round the house for a couple of days all quiet and contrite, then repeat it. He had lots of close calls - like your husband, coming home covered in blood from a fight or falling over, or with a strange dent in his car or soaked in urine and worse because he'd wet or soiled himself. He never changed or accepted that he needed to change. The only thing that stopped him was illness and death from an industrial disease.

As someone has said, AA is only possible for someone who wants to change. My guess is he doesn't. Don't expose your son to this any more. I can speak as a child growing up in these circumstances, it mentally scars you for life.

Another person who has been in your shoes and is recommending ending your relationship. I spent years propping him up, taking him to hospital, enabling him, and protecting him from his rock bottom. I eventually after 10 years said no more and that he had to leave. His descent continued a few more months but then he quit and didn’t drink again.

We were both trapped in this unhappy spiral and it would have broken us both. I chose to save myself and the kids and it was the best decision I ever made.

I would take a bag of stuff and leave it with the staff and tell him that he’s not welcome home. You should use the shock and awfulness of this event to spur you into action. If you let him home it’ll revert back to BAU.

And taking stuff to him will also make no difference to him... but will keep OP in supportive mode. Which she may not want to continue with.

It is her decision. Posters have posted saying it is fine if she chooses not to. Nobody with any experience will judge her for that.

It is unfair, emotionally manipulative, to tell her that she would be being 'inhuman' if she didn't continue to be co dependent. This might be her first real opportunity to make a positive difference. It is reprehensible to try to quash that.

I'd leave him and if you love him say if he can sort out his drinking and stop completely then you can talk after hes been totally sober for a year or so.If he wont stop then I'd divorce him. Your wasting your time really OP if hes not wanting to change.
My Dad was a problem drinker and one of my earliest memories is of him coming to collect me from school stumbling and knocking all this front teeth out on a curb. A woman helped him up etc and I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.

He was dead at 57,he wasn't interested in stopping drinking.

Well if he has smashed his ankle he will be off his feet for st least six weeks, likely much longer. So that will put paid to him going to the pub or drinking, as he will be non weight bearing.

So the cycle will be broken. The question is will he go back to it.

If he is an alcoholic is Time in hospital then in crutches etc will be much harder than for others.

You think a broken ankle will stop him drinking? He'll have mates who will bring it to the house.

Ex had a motor bike accident abroad and was laid up. He signed himself out on crutches and carried on as usual. Thankfully I was no longer married to him at this point so not my problem.

Well I've been sober 34 years, purely due to AA