Husband drinking is destroying our relationship

[Kingk1]

Needing advice please. My husband drinking is getting out of control and I feel like leaving him. He has always liked a drink but since we have moved to a new area with pubs in walking distance his drinking is getting out of control. I have spoke to him when he's sober and explained how I feel he promises to cut down then couple of nights later hes bck binge drinking again. He owns a small company and work can be stressful but he has hired an excellent manager who takes alot of the stress off him but he still drinks heavily. When he goes out most times straight after work he gets so drunk he has to be carried home from pub in early hours, he causes arguments with me which I hve now learnt to ignore, a few occasions he has fallen when walking home and injured himself. Recently he has been getting into fights. Last nights shangiangs he went out at 5pm on his own to see a local singer I stayed at home as my son and his girlfriend visited from university for the weekend. He said he be home about 8pm at 1.00am my son woke me as a guy from the pub had carried him home because he was in a fight. He had blood on his face and clothes his lip was swollen and his ankle had a bone stuck out. I had to ring an ambulance. He has smashed in ankle in 3 places and needs surgery , hospital are keeping him in for a Wk. I got home at 6am from hospital totally exhausted, and feeling so let down again.
My dilemma: he has no phone, money, cigs and needs PJ's and toothbrush etc I feel like just leaving him there with nothing and letting him feel the brunt of his actions. I'm fed up covering for him with work, his family etc because he promises he will cut down but he's actually getting worse! Am I cruel to want to leave him in hospital with nothing or do I stand by him. My son who is 18 and lives with us is witnessing all this behaviour and I feel it's not fair on him . Sorry for the long post.

[PeoniesarePink]

And can I add OP please don't be afraid of Al-Anon. A very dear friend of mine was in a relationship with an alcoholic for nearly 20 years. Al-Anon gave her the courage to really see what her life had become as a result, and she still goes to meetings now to support other families even though she's met someone else and is deservedly very happy.

They were her lifeline

[Comps83]

You’ve got to draw the line somewhere and this seems to be it. My mother became an alcoholic when I was about 12 and I put up with it for 22 yrs before finally cutting her out of my life last year . She had so many chances but refused to get help . She has pushed everyone she ever cared about away but it was always everyone elses fault. You can’t help ppl if they’re unwilling to help themselves .
I wish you luck with your future

[Kingk1]

That's exactly it, he is totally in denial. He thinks he having a great time and everyone is his friend. He makes a fool of himself and can't see it. My son has said he doesn't want me to bring in his stuff as he has enough of him too. He said he will watch movies on his phone and use his hospital rest to chill then back to normal when he gets home and I agree with him. He's in total denial and it's everyone else's fault.

[Fleetheart]

What I mean is - don’t hope that he will realise the damage he is doing. In all honesty he probably won’t!! But that doesn’t mean you can’t take steps to change your life.... don’t put it on hold waiting for him to realise.

[Fleetheart]

There is not one reason on earth why you need to look after someone who has chosen a destructive path that you have asked him not to.

Please don’t worry about the gossips they are the least of your problems; start thinking about how you want your life to be and stop thinking “if only he would change”. You can change your life, one of the problems of us co-dependents is that we spend more time thinking about other people than about ourselves. And that’s not a good thing.

[Kingk1]

Thank you all for your advice. To be honest I really do not want to bring in pj's etc for him. This for me is the final straw! We live in a small village so I'm sure we're today's gossip and I'm a very private person so really embrassed that he has put me in this position. I also just remembered that the person he said he was fighting is a thug / drug dealer from next village so now I'm fearing been on my own with my son. I rang his mother to see if she can bring in his stuff but she can't and didn't seem at all surprised by his excessive drinking. I feel that by leaving him without his essentials it hopefully will make him realise the damage he is doing! I just feel so torn as I'm a caring person by nature but I've had enough!

[Redwinestillfine]

I would speak to his medical team and tell them about his drinking. Now is the time to get him help.

[Bluntness100]

You need to be non weight bearing after you break your ankle. This means you literally can't put any weight on it or you will break it again or misplace it.

It would take a very very foolish person to get drunk when non weight bearing. He will be back in hospital and in agony very quickly after the first time.

[Plinney]

He'll probably drink more, laid up with injured ankles.

What a relief it would be for you to be out of all this?

I do not understand women who stay with out-of-control drunks - Understandable short-term. But long-term isn't it just one long "misery memoire"?

[Bluetrews25]

He will still get drink when on crutches in this day of online shopping.

[littlemeitslyn]

Well I've been sober 34 years, purely due to AA

[CarolDanvers]

Ex had a motor bike accident abroad and was laid up. He signed himself out on crutches and carried on as usual. Thankfully I was no longer married to him at this point so not my problem.

[HollowTalk]

You think a broken ankle will stop him drinking? He'll have mates who will bring it to the house.

[Bluntness100]

Well if he has smashed his ankle he will be off his feet for st least six weeks, likely much longer. So that will put paid to him going to the pub or drinking, as he will be non weight bearing.

So the cycle will be broken. The question is will he go back to it.

If he is an alcoholic is Time in hospital then in crutches etc will be much harder than for others.

[Boysey45]

I'd leave him and if you love him say if he can sort out his drinking and stop completely then you can talk after hes been totally sober for a year or so.If he wont stop then I'd divorce him. Your wasting your time really OP if hes not wanting to change.
My Dad was a problem drinker and one of my earliest memories is of him coming to collect me from school stumbling and knocking all this front teeth out on a curb. A woman helped him up etc and I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.

He was dead at 57,he wasn't interested in stopping drinking.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

And taking stuff to him will also make no difference to him... but will keep OP in supportive mode. Which she may not want to continue with.


It is her decision. Posters have posted saying it is fine if she chooses not to. Nobody with any experience will judge her for that.


It is unfair, emotionally manipulative, to tell her that she would be being 'inhuman' if she didn't continue to be co dependent. This might be her first real opportunity to make a positive difference. It is reprehensible to try to quash that.

[Bartlet]

Another person who has been in your shoes and is recommending ending your relationship. I spent years propping him up, taking him to hospital, enabling him, and protecting him from his rock bottom. I eventually after 10 years said no more and that he had to leave. His descent continued a few more months but then he quit and didn’t drink again.

We were both trapped in this unhappy spiral and it would have broken us both. I chose to save myself and the kids and it was the best decision I ever made.

I would take a bag of stuff and leave it with the staff and tell him that he’s not welcome home. You should use the shock and awfulness of this event to spur you into action. If you let him home it’ll revert back to BAU.

[AllInADay]

Sorry to hear about all this OP. Do you know anything about the details of the fight at the pub and what happened? Is anyone pressing charges? Did the person who brought him home give any details? You might be getting an unwelcome visit from the police for all you know. I would establish from your husband exactly what happened on the night. It might get to be a much bigger decision for you than whether or not to take his belongings into the hospital for him.

This was my father (long since deceased) He would behave like this again and again, creep round the house for a couple of days all quiet and contrite, then repeat it. He had lots of close calls - like your husband, coming home covered in blood from a fight or falling over, or with a strange dent in his car or soaked in urine and worse because he'd wet or soiled himself. He never changed or accepted that he needed to change. The only thing that stopped him was illness and death from an industrial disease.

As someone has said, AA is only possible for someone who wants to change. My guess is he doesn't. Don't expose your son to this any more. I can speak as a child growing up in these circumstances, it mentally scars you for life.

[SleepVampireVictim]

"I am well aware he is the one who has to change and want to change. They can start by talking and arrange for him to attend AA meetings, find out off the staff what is available in their area. Arrange a meeting with an alcohol pyscologist/therapist."

This is good in theory, but if the person with the problem doesn't actually yet see that they have one, it's a waste of time.

I echo the posters saying to walk away. I spent 5 years with an alcoholic. He ended up dead as a result. I tried the softly, softly approach. He paid lip service, made empty promises and said things would change. Guess what? They didn't because he was in denial.

It's a terribly difficult situation that you are in OP, but now is the time to put yourself and your son first.

[DockerDre]

In the end you realise you don’t have any control at all! It’s all up to them!

That's my point. So not bringing him is stuff in hospital is going to make jack shit of a difference.

[Purplecatshopaholic]

I am so sorry OP, this must be so tough. Your choice is go or stay. If you stay its going to be a long road helping him recover - if he wants to recover - however it might be a road worth taking if he is willing. Or you go. If he recognises he has a problem and is willing to work at it, and you love him and are also willing to work at it, then do it. I wish you so much love and luck, its not easy xx

[CatPunsFreakMeowt]

The most I would do is contact the hospital and make them aware (if they aren’t already) about the extent of his drink problem. This is a rare opportunity for him to be safely withdrawn from it.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

To be fair I think it was just 2, possibly 3, posters waffling about AA. Most posters recommend Al Anon because they have used it with fewer recommending AA for the same reason - which only tells you that fewer MN posters are happy to say they are ex / alcoholics than there are those saying they are ex co dependents.


I can't remember anyone from either camp saying the AA or Al Anon are either total shite or the perfect answer. Just that they are very good when they work.


I hope OP manages to do what is best for her and her DC without too much if a heavy heart.

[Southwestten]

Some people understand alcoholism. You don't.
This

As usual on these threads,there is a lot of wrong information being given a out AA and Al-anon,by people who have never attended either group.
And this

[Fleetheart]

@Dockerdre, I’m also interested to know whether you have ever actually lived with an alcoholic. From your answers it doesn’t seem like you have. The reality is very much different from a theoretical basis. And those of us who have lived through the horror seem to have a very consistent take on it. That’s no coincidence. It’s wisdom gained through years of trying different things. In the end you realise you don’t have any control at all! It’s all up to them!