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Original poster

Husband drinking is destroying our relationship

135 replies

Kingk1 · 27/05/2019 12:10

Needing advice please. My husband drinking is getting out of control and I feel like leaving him. He has always liked a drink but since we have moved to a new area with pubs in walking distance his drinking is getting out of control. I have spoke to him when he's sober and explained how I feel he promises to cut down then couple of nights later hes bck binge drinking again. He owns a small company and work can be stressful but he has hired an excellent manager who takes alot of the stress off him but he still drinks heavily. When he goes out most times straight after work he gets so drunk he has to be carried home from pub in early hours, he causes arguments with me which I hve now learnt to ignore, a few occasions he has fallen when walking home and injured himself. Recently he has been getting into fights. Last nights shangiangs he went out at 5pm on his own to see a local singer I stayed at home as my son and his girlfriend visited from university for the weekend. He said he be home about 8pm at 1.00am my son woke me as a guy from the pub had carried him home because he was in a fight. He had blood on his face and clothes his lip was swollen and his ankle had a bone stuck out. I had to ring an ambulance. He has smashed in ankle in 3 places and needs surgery , hospital are keeping him in for a Wk. I got home at 6am from hospital totally exhausted, and feeling so let down again.
My dilemma: he has no phone, money, cigs and needs PJ's and toothbrush etc I feel like just leaving him there with nothing and letting him feel the brunt of his actions. I'm fed up covering for him with work, his family etc because he promises he will cut down but he's actually getting worse! Am I cruel to want to leave him in hospital with nothing or do I stand by him. My son who is 18 and lives with us is witnessing all this behaviour and I feel it's not fair on him . Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/05/2019 13:04

On a practical level, can you leave? Is your home rented or on a mortgage? Do you work and do you have enough money to go?

I would take his things to the hospital and leave them on reception. I wouldn't want to look at him, never mind speak to him or be kind to him.

Rocketgirl1 · 27/05/2019 13:04

I would give him the basics he needs but not visit him and tell him it’s over.

Wolfiefan · 27/05/2019 13:05

@DockerDre. You’re missing the point
It’s not about being cruel. It’s about the OP protecting their own sanity. Someone who puts drink over and above their family doesn’t deserve their kindness. If they want help and to stop drinking then they deserve support.
Look after yourself OP.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 27/05/2019 13:06

DockerDre - if you know an organisation who has better advice for dealing with alcoholics, I'm sure OP would be all ears.

Enabling an addict is the worst thing you can do, as it let's them continue without feeling the negative consequences of their addiction, and they have less incentive to stop. (Or even want to stop).

Hithere12 · 27/05/2019 13:08

OP if he doesn’t stop drinking you need to leave. I spent 3 years living with an alcoholic and if he doesn’t make a real commitment to completely stop drinking your life will only get worse if you stay with this man.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/05/2019 13:10

Tell his hospital doctor/medical team about the extent of his drinking problem and ask them if they can refer him anywhere. Sometimes people can hear things from their doctor that they wont hear from relatives or people they live with. It might mean that they do things like perform liver function tests on him while he's in hospital - the results can sometimes be a wake up call. If they can't help make appointment yourself with your GP (presumably he's a the same practice) and discuss it with them. Then you know you are getting correct advice or can ask them where to turn next x

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/05/2019 13:11

I think you need to try to be kind while he's in hospital.

No she doesn’t. It’s being kind and pussyfooting around him that has allowed this to continue. Tough if he feels miserable and lonely in hospital. He needs to accept responsibility. It’s his own actions that have put him there.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 13:11

You're assuming alcohol dependent adults are incapable of logical thought - like they need to be punished like a dog.
No. I don't buy into such AA/AlAnon nonsense.
When he's ready, if he wants to, he'll change his drinking. Shoving a puppies nose into its piss hasn't been proven to work. Similarly, it won't work on an adult human.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 13:14

Anyone but AA.

Ever look at the stats for the amount of suicides among people attending AA? No? No, because there are none. I can tell you that the number is extraordinarily high, even setting aside addiction as a factor.

justmyview · 27/05/2019 13:15

I would take essentials that he needs while he's in hospital, but I would take this opportunity to have a good long think about whether your relationship has a future. It's important to understand that he can't be supported to change unless that's what he wants, and he is willing to put in the effort to make it happen. And change is hard, so a lot of people lack the willpower

You can't tell him what to do, and I don't think you should make him choose between you and the booze. However, what you can do is say to him that you are not happy, and you are considering very carefully whether you wish to remain in this marriage. That may be a big enough wake up call for him to address his relationship with alcohol, but it may not be

Missingstreetlife · 27/05/2019 13:15

You have a window here to make an intervention. He will likely be sober for a short time now and you have a chance to speak to him and say this can't continue. He needs to seriously seek help, before he comes home. Agree with pp, aa for him and alanon for family.
If this is not his rock bottom what is it going to be? Brain damage, permanent disability?
Protect yourself op, no reason you have to stay with him. If he doesn't change it would be foolish. Take him his toothbrush etc, but use this time to think, and work out your plan. Reacting in anger, whilst understandable is just a knee jerk part of the dance.

PouncerDarling · 27/05/2019 13:15

If you don't take him the basics, he'll be more of a burden to the hospital staff. You only have to leave them with the ward sister for him.

Drum2018 · 27/05/2019 13:15

As suggested, leave his things with reception on ward. Don't leave money for cigaretees. Leave a tenner with him for the shop. Don't visit him for the week. Tell the hospital staff the level of his drinking so they may bring it up with him. After all it's the reason he's in there. If he's coming home afterwards he won't be very mobile so may not be able to access alcohol. Clear the house of all alcohol if you have any. This is his once chance to get help for himself - if you are even willing to give him one last chance. If he does not take this chance he can fuck off. Don't waste your life on him if he has another drink. My father was an alcoholic and my mother had a shit life with him but remained loyal. I wouldn't!

Fatasfooook · 27/05/2019 13:16

I would support him through hospital and then let him know that he has to change and make it clear that you will no longer stand by him while he behaves like this.
There’s no way I could abandon my husband in his hour of need so cruelly. Alcoholism is an illness

CarolDanvers · 27/05/2019 13:16

Do you have alcoholism in your family Dockerdre? I see what you're saying to a certain extent. It's pretty dehumanising to just ignore an alcoholic and not even take a bag to the hospital and see that the person in question has the essentials. It is completely fine however to say - in a letter if necessary - this is the last thing I will do for you. It's over now and the reason is your drinking. I will only be in touch regarding practicalities etc. It would feel very heightened to not draw that final boundary, and/or responded aggressively - passive or otherwise. I know this from experience.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 13:17

The carrot works better than the stick in my experience.

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/05/2019 13:18

OP, is he a lovely person otherwise? Is his business going well? Do you still love him?

IIWY I would do two things:

  1. start going to Al Anon.
  1. talk to him/the hospital/your GP about putting him on Naltrexone.

Naltrexone interferes with the alcohol buzz. It is taken an hour before a person chooses to drink and it actually makes it so boring, people stop. It has a much higher success rate than the abstinence of AA which is something like 5%. However AA is a wonderful programme.

The grip of alcohol over an addict is terrible. You cannot change him or control him or cure him, but kindness and compassion (detaching with love) is an incredible thing.

It could be that this ankle might shock him into realising that this is serious. But don't count on it.

pointythings · 27/05/2019 13:20

DockerDre you are basically advising the OP to put up and shut up, to carry on enabling her H's life choices, to sacrifice her own wellbeing and her son's, until her H is finally ready to stop drinking.

No.

I am the widow of an alcoholic. I stayed too long, I enabled him for too long and eventually, after he threatened to kill me, I had the police remove him and did not ever have him back. He continued drinking, he made the choice to flush his life down the toilet. OP's H is responsible for his own choices - he has no right to expect her and their son to live with the effects of those choices.

OP, put yourself first now. Yes, by all means bring your H PJs, toothbrush, phone (no cigs, he can sort that himself and anyway, NHS premises are now strictly no smoking!). That is basic human kindness. But beyond that you need to tell him that he now has to choose - the booze, or his family.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 13:21

Yes, the OP can end the marriage today if she wants to and I would fully support her, but trying to manipulate him into 'seeing sense' by being cruel to him while he's in hospital is not on.

If the OP can't accept him like this, that is fair.

Just don't be vindictive about it.

Fretfulparent · 27/05/2019 13:22

The hospital will have basics like toothbrush and pjs. If he drinks daily he will go through a withdrawal and this may trigger a referral to an alcohol team. Many acute hospitals have such a team nowadays. Hopefully the staff with contact them but if they don't you could contact them tomorrow via switchboard to let them know how much and how frequently he drinks.

DaphneduM · 27/05/2019 13:23

Why not ask to see the hospital social worker? You can explain your husband's problems and see if they can signpost him to the local drug and alcohol services. (They would obviously do their own assessment). It just may be that this experience of ending up in hospital could shock him into doing something about his addiction. You will see very quickly whether or not he responds to intervention. Sadly if not, then you owe it to yourself and your children to leave.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 13:24

This woman's husband is not your ex @pointythings

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/05/2019 13:25

Its called The Sinclair Method. It is not pushed, because no pharma company owns the drug and so there is no money in them pushing it. But it has quite a high success rate.

I agree with DockerDre a little bit: AA has a terrible success rate.

However, the 12 steps programme literally changes lives when it is applied spiritually. I think co dependents who are so outward focused actually benefit more than their loved addict, who is so selfish!

But in terms of enabling, there is a good rule of thumb:

If you please an addict, you are most likely enabling.
If you make an addict angry, you are probably trying to save their life.

pointythings · 27/05/2019 13:29

I agree that AA doesn't have a great success record. It didn't work for my H - nothing did, he just wanted to drink. But a man who gets fighting drunk to the point where he ends up seriously injured despite his wife asking him to stop needs a short, sharp shock. It would be cruel to ignore him for a week, agreed. But he does need to know that this is make or break for the marriage. So yes, bring him his things, visit him, speak to him calmly and tell him exactly how things stand. He needs to take this opportunity for change because otherwise you're over.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 13:31

It's unlikely he'll need to tell them he's alcohol dependent.

He'll have had a smell of alcohol off his breath on arrival.
If they took bloods, it will show the level of alcohol.
When they ask him whether he drinks, he'll probably say - 2 pints in the put in the evening.
They'll make him hold his hands up to see if he has tremors
If he has, they'll put him on withdrawal meds (after a few more questions).
He'll be withdrawn safely from alcohol.
A breather from the merry go round of alcohol is probably what he needs.
It really depends on how he comes out of this. If he continues in the same vein, ditch his ass - end of story.

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