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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband drinking is destroying our relationship

135 replies

Kingk1 · 27/05/2019 12:10

Needing advice please. My husband drinking is getting out of control and I feel like leaving him. He has always liked a drink but since we have moved to a new area with pubs in walking distance his drinking is getting out of control. I have spoke to him when he's sober and explained how I feel he promises to cut down then couple of nights later hes bck binge drinking again. He owns a small company and work can be stressful but he has hired an excellent manager who takes alot of the stress off him but he still drinks heavily. When he goes out most times straight after work he gets so drunk he has to be carried home from pub in early hours, he causes arguments with me which I hve now learnt to ignore, a few occasions he has fallen when walking home and injured himself. Recently he has been getting into fights. Last nights shangiangs he went out at 5pm on his own to see a local singer I stayed at home as my son and his girlfriend visited from university for the weekend. He said he be home about 8pm at 1.00am my son woke me as a guy from the pub had carried him home because he was in a fight. He had blood on his face and clothes his lip was swollen and his ankle had a bone stuck out. I had to ring an ambulance. He has smashed in ankle in 3 places and needs surgery , hospital are keeping him in for a Wk. I got home at 6am from hospital totally exhausted, and feeling so let down again.
My dilemma: he has no phone, money, cigs and needs PJ's and toothbrush etc I feel like just leaving him there with nothing and letting him feel the brunt of his actions. I'm fed up covering for him with work, his family etc because he promises he will cut down but he's actually getting worse! Am I cruel to want to leave him in hospital with nothing or do I stand by him. My son who is 18 and lives with us is witnessing all this behaviour and I feel it's not fair on him . Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

Southwestten · 27/05/2019 14:03

AA has a terrible success rate.

AA doesn’t keep statistics or records. How is the success or lack of success rate known?

Annasgirl · 27/05/2019 14:03

OP you know you need to leave and you are at least protected by the law now, my DM was not given any legal protection in the 1970's and 1980's and so she had no where to go and had to stay with DF who was an alcoholic. Can I just say that you need to protect your son, even at 18 he is vulnerable to this home life. You also need to remove yourself from the situation - perhaps use this week to get yourself organised financially and move out?

Finally, yes to taking him a small bag to hospital - but you could always send it with someone else, frankly, your DH is neither a D nor a H to you at the moment and you owe him nothing. And as for getting into fights, well that alone would have me gone.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 14:04

@bourbonbiccy

FINALLY someone who doesn't think that kicking someone when they're down is a good plan!

MitziK · 27/05/2019 14:05

The thing is, Docker, that if he limps back in, looking all sorry for himself, he'll use every trick in the book to make her feel bad for poor little him and not chuck him out. And then he'll be the invalid, delicate and needing of shelter - give it a while and he'll 'just be going out to try and get moving again', getting ratarsed during the day and passing it off as 'I'm tired, I'm in pain, you want to keep me a prisoner, you're abusive/picking on me'.

Alcoholics are very intelligent - in manipulating, gaslighting, bullying and using every psychological trick in the book to ensure that they get left to get shitfaced in comfort.

This is likely to be, if he comes back, the point at which he switches to all day drinking. And a bit of a painkiller habit on the side.

The best way to do it is to cut off from now. He wants the phone to pester for money, he wants the money and fags so that he can try and get out 'for fags' but buy a couple of cans of high strength booze. He wants, he want, he wants. It's all about what he wants.

It's time for what she wants. Which is to not have to deal with his shit anymore - for her and her son.

Not having anywhere to go back to will put him in a position where he has to seriously think whether he can go on like this - he's had a pasting, he's fucked up his ankle, he's fucked up his marriage and is on the cusp of fucking up his business. Without her coerced into performing as the Dutiful Wife, he has no choice but to see that he has a choice - does he accept that he needs to change for himself (as the welfare of his wife and child or employees certainly isn't of interest to him) or does he limp out of the hospital on his own in a week and go straight to the pub? Either way, things are changing - because she won't have him back. He's on his own, and whether he uses that as the reason for sorting his shit out or as further justification for being a violent prick is neither here nor there.

He's not her problem anymore. He's his own problem.

CarolDanvers · 27/05/2019 14:05

FINALLY someone who doesn't think that kicking someone when they're down is a good plan!

What are you on about? I'd re-read the thread if I were you. Most posters are saying take a bag with his things but don't get drawn in.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 14:06

How is the success or lack of success rate known?

From medical professionals who deal with alcohol dependency.

pointythings · 27/05/2019 14:07

bourbon you clearly mean well - but we are waaaaayyy past all that. And it's pointless having those conversations with an alcoholic unless it's in the context of therapy, with a qualified therapist in attendance. Anything else just open the way for manipulation from the alcoholic - they cannot take responsibility for their actions until they are ready to quit. Until then they will come up with excuse after excuse - work is stressful, the kids are badly behaved, you don't give me enough sex (I had all these and some more...). It's never the alcoholic, it's always something/someone else.

I explained. I told him how I felt. I encouraged him to get support - he saw a counsellor but lied about utterly minimised how much he was drinking. The heart to heart only works if both hearts are in it.

Mistigri · 27/05/2019 14:09

I can't believe people are actually saying to just leave him in the hospital, don't see him, don't take him any belongings - how some people treat the people they are supposed to love amazes me !!!!

You'll be doing him a favour if you confront him with the consequences of his decisions.

Taking him phone, cigarettes, money etc is actually not doing him a favour at all: you're enabling him to continue as he is.

Most severe alcoholics (and this is a case of severe, chronic alcoholism) won't change their behaviour until they hit bottom.

bourbonbiccy · 27/05/2019 14:10

It's not about being a "dutiful" wife, no one is saying shut up and put up. it's about being a decent human being. Her husband clearly has an alcohol problem, this is now the time to try and break the cycle and talk to someone to get help.

He is laid up in hospital, they can talk it through, get help and yeah if he messes up again divorce, but don't leave him with nothing in the hospital, refuse him back into his home ... What is wrong with some people !!!!!

Wolfiefan · 27/05/2019 14:10

Bring him his cigarettes and phone? WTF? Hardly necessary to his continued existence. OP doesn’t have to run along with what he wants. He’s got himself into this situation. He can deal with it. No way would I be going into hospital.
OP put yourself first.

MitziK · 27/05/2019 14:10

How alcoholics treat the people they claim to love is more amazing - as it's so fucking appalling.

But that's the thing. It's all fake and designed to keep them free to drink, whatever it does to their families. They don't care if somebody literally works themselves to death, just as long as they have their precious times with the booze. They don't care if somebody is so stressed, worried and terrified that they need medication, just so long as they get their booze. They don't care if people lose jobs, homes, livelihoods as a direct result, just so long as they have their booze. They will lie, cheat, beg, borrow and steal, just to get their booze. And laugh about how clever they are.

Common decency is bereft in somebody who goes out, gets drunk and gets into fights regularly. They don't deserve to be brought a fucking thing.

PeoniesarePink · 27/05/2019 14:11

You may have reached a crossroads here, OP. It will be clear from his bloods that he's an alcoholic, and they may have to get him dry before putting him out under anaesthetic. I would send in clothes to ward reception but no money and no phone so he can't phone anyone to take drink into him. With a badly broken ankle he's not going anywhere for a while.

Then stay well clear for at least a few days until he's come out the other side of withdrawal. Then there needs to be a clear conversation that he can't come home until he's stopped drinking, and the power is now all in his hands to choose his future. And mean it.

He needs to make a choice now - a family or drink.

MitziK · 27/05/2019 14:12

'What is wrong with some people'?

Experience.

Coyoacan · 27/05/2019 14:13

Nobody has a magic formula for convincing any addict to stop their addiction, but some ways have better success rates than others, and the OP needs to protect herself and her son while all this is going on.

Personally I've heard some good success stories about Al Anon and some of the most interesting and spiritually advanced people I know are in AA.

Mistigri · 27/05/2019 14:14

Some people understand alcoholism. You don't.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/05/2019 14:16

That 5% figure isn't based on anything reliable. Non of the AA related stats are, because they don't keep any. It's part of the promise of anonymity.

But what is known, from non AA experts us that almost 60% of people going to AA gave already been through at least one other intervention.

Alcoholics who want help, who are determined to stay abstinent, find it very difficult. Those who have not yet made that decision honestly, for their own right reasons find it impossible.

The only thing friends and family can do is help get them to their own decision making place... and that always had to start with dismantling the support system they spent so much time, effort and emotional intelligence building.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 27/05/2019 14:17

Ignoring the dispute that seems to have developed, I would not take anything to him OP. I think that’s enabling his behaviour. Leave him there with what he has, let him go cold turkey and realise what life will be like if he carries on drinking until you and your son leave him. This could be the rock bottom he needs to reach in order to make changes.

I say this with personal and family experience of alcoholism and alcohol abuse.

bourbonbiccy · 27/05/2019 14:18

pointythings, where does the op say it's gone well past that point. It states she is "thinking " of leaving him as his drinking is "starting" to get out of control.
I'm sure if didn't touch another drop after this she would stay with him.., so there is still hope for them if he seeks help now and gets it sorted.... Yes help by somebody qualified not expecting op to do it

MitziK I have more than my fair share of experience on the subject.

CarolDanvers · 27/05/2019 14:21

I'm afraid this is my experience too. I'd lost my mental health, almost my home - had to go to court to appeal eviction as he hadn't paid the rent in so long - was on the verge of bankruptcy and had police and social service involvement by the time I managed to get him out. FOG kept me in place for a long time, as did all of his family who told me it was my job to support him and that they were terrified of what might happen if I threw him out.

pointythings · 27/05/2019 14:24

bourbon if you have experience of life with alcoholics then you must surely know that loving one means you minimise, you gloss over, you make excuses - because you love that person and it's hard to face how bad things really are - until one day you have to. Been there, done that. OP's H has been getting into fights. That means his drinking is out of control and that yes, they are waaaay past 'getting out of control'.

Being sweet and kind isn't going to do a damn thing here. It's time to be firm and set boundaries. Alcoholics don't change unless there are consequences for carrying on drinking - and often not even then.

Mistigri · 27/05/2019 14:24

where does the op say it's gone well past that point

The man has repeatedly been carried home from the pub by strangers, this time with a compound fracture.

This is about as serious as alcoholism gets and most people who reach this point are on the streets or in jail unless they have supporters/enablers who enable them to maintain a veneer of normal life.

I'm 100% with Mitzi and Pointy here.

DuMondeB · 27/05/2019 14:26

I would send someone else in with the stuff. Pay a minicab driver/courier to drop it off if you don’t want to ask friends or family.

Being with an alcolohic is very hard. If they don’t actively want sobriety, it’s near impossible.

heath48 · 27/05/2019 14:27

As usual on these threads,there is a lot of wrong information being given a out AA and Al-anon,by people who have never attended either group.

I suggest OP calling the Al-anon helpline.

I am a member of AA,sober for 16 years and attend meetings regularly,I am not religious,AA has NOTHING to do with religion.

81Byerley · 27/05/2019 14:28

I think this is your opportunity to go into the hospital and tell him that you have finally had enough. He seems to need help. but I don't think you are the one to do it just now. Does he have parents or siblings who could take him in when he comes home?

bourbonbiccy · 27/05/2019 14:28

@pointythings I have not stated anywhere to be sweet and kind. I have said now is the time to intervene break the cycle and get him help. Not to leave him in the hospital with no contact and no support.

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