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AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

(288 Posts)
mmmgoats Fri 08-Jun-18 19:00:58

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

MikeUniformMike Fri 08-Jun-18 19:03:07

It's not you, it's her. Do you want her as a friend? I would not worry too much about it.

mmmgoats Fri 08-Jun-18 19:03:58

I do! She's really lovely to chat to etc, it's a really nice group.
It was just so...odd and unexpected and I wasn't quite sure how to deal with it!

DickensianHysteric Fri 08-Jun-18 19:04:04

How odd. Can you arrange another get together at someone else's house with a different type of food and see if she does it again? If so I'd just stop inviting her for meals.

wizzywig Fri 08-Jun-18 19:04:45

Odd. Unless she has an allergy or really likes packed lunches. Let her host next time. Ask her if you need to bring your Snoopy lunchbox and flask

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Fri 08-Jun-18 19:05:21

Maybe her taste buds can only handle plastic food.
Lunchables are grim imo.
And for dc at best.

PrimalLass Fri 08-Jun-18 19:05:52

She might just really hate moussaka.

Strongmummy Fri 08-Jun-18 19:06:04

Very rude and close minded. I wouldn’t want to know her, but you need to do what’s right for you. Ensure she’s healthy for your recovery however

TitzillaTheHun Fri 08-Jun-18 19:06:18

That is very fucking weird of Jane. And rude. YANBU.

Caribbeanyesplease Fri 08-Jun-18 19:06:28

I reckon eating disorder

But odd that a group get together derailed before it has even really started on account of one person bringing their own food

Whocansay Fri 08-Jun-18 19:06:34

Maybe she's veggie or has intolerences and didn't want to make a fuss?

wizzywig Fri 08-Jun-18 19:06:37

Is this story going to end up in the papers?

TalkinPeece Fri 08-Jun-18 19:07:17

the best solution is an "American Supper"
where each person brings a small side dish, a small portion of a main and a small pudding
then those who want o share can and those who don't don't
and the host is not trying to guess

PS your menu sounds FAB

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Fri 08-Jun-18 19:07:38

Maybe she has sensory issues with food and this is her way of dealing with it, causing as little fuss or inconvenience to anyone else as possible while not missing out on socialising. 🤷🏼‍♀️

TroubledLichen Fri 08-Jun-18 19:07:50

YABU that is really strange. I wouldn’t have minded at all if a friend messaged me in advance and had said please don’t be offended but I don’t like Turkish/have allergies/am on a diet and I don’t want to cause you any bother so will bring my own. But just to rock up with a lunchbox is weird, especially as she then follows it up with rude comments like the moussaka, that she hasn’t even tried, would have been too rich. Maybe suggesting she hosts next time would be a good idea, god knows what you'll get to eat though since she apparently eats the school lunch of a 5 year old for dinner!

firawla Fri 08-Jun-18 19:08:10

It’s her own issue, it doesn’t reflect badly on you at all. I’d just let her bring her pen and not make a big thing of it if you enjoy her company, if hosting again I’d just ask her upfront - Jane shall I cater for you or you prefer to bring your own like last time? Maybe she has some kind of food anxiety or something?!

TroubledLichen Fri 08-Jun-18 19:08:23

Sorry that should be YANBU

firawla Fri 08-Jun-18 19:08:31

Own not pen

bellanotte22 Fri 08-Jun-18 19:08:44

I wouldn't be bothered by this tbh, I'd rather guests were comfortable. Some people have food issues - I wouldn't press to find out, she will tell you if she wants.

StruggsToFunc Fri 08-Jun-18 19:08:53

I would suspect that she has some issues around food. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

PuppyMonkey Fri 08-Jun-18 19:08:54

The “little laughs” etc sounds very much like she felt embarrassed about it. She might have her reasons and as she gets to know you, she might explain.

Don’t see why you were “embarrassed” though OP, what do you think you did that was a faux pas? confused

listsandbudgets Fri 08-Jun-18 19:08:56

Very rude. Unless she has diet restrictions thst make her difficult to cook for then it was unacceptable IMHO.

I do have one friend who does this but Im deeply grateful as cooking for someone who is vegetarian with dairy, egg and wheat allergies is hard

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 08-Jun-18 19:09:05

It is odd, and rude, but if she is lovely in every other way, and you can let off steam about her eccentricity with your other friends, then perhaps you could just go with it.

She may have eating issues or control issues. If she is a pain in the arse it will become clear and you can decide to distance yourself from then on.

ToffeeSauce Fri 08-Jun-18 19:09:06

Isn’t Moussaka Greek?

HotSauceCommittee Fri 08-Jun-18 19:09:32

If you really like her and she has been a friend to you through difficult times, I’d just put it down to eccentricity. Either that or a problem she is keeping to herself for the moment. It doesn’t seem like she would have done this as a slight as you talk so warmly about her.
Is it worth making an affectionate joke about it to break the tension and maybe draw her out?

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