AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

That's the sort of thing I'd do😩

But I always warn people first

Moussaka is NOT exclusively Greek (although the presence of béchamel distinguishes a Greek moussaka).

The name is Ottoman Turkish. It’s found throughout Turkey, Greece, the Balkans, and Lebanon.

I think I’d love a friend who did this! I wouldn’t want her to be in distress about anything food wise of course, but she’d be an easy guest!

Arrange another one bit have Jane host it - then you can see what her eating habits are like in a comfortable for her location.

Possibly GF, intolerance etc but imho you have her warning and asked and she was just snobby about it and laughed.

When you eat out does she nitpick at food or just dive in?
Maybe organise a Buffet meal out one night and if she pulls out a lunchbox it's up to her to explain why to the restaurant etc

Sister is coeliac so I don't cater for her as she brings her own.

I wouldn't message her this time. I´d just let it go. If it turns out to be every time, then I think it would be reasonable to take it up with her.

moussaka could come from Tibet for all I care I love it and would still eat it

It is rude. Yanbu op.

Some people are very odd with food. If for whatever reason, she couldn't eat the food you prepared, it would have been polite to discuss it with you, so you could either make an alternative, or she could bring a pre agreed pack lunch. Bringing out a pack lunch with no prior warning is very very rude indeed.

She might have laughed as a kind of embarrassment cover-up. Maybe she's one of these people with a really limited palate. Until you get to know her a bit better I would just give her the benefit of the doubt. If she turns out to be difficult and insulting generally than I'd avoid her!

Invite me next time I'll give her a fiver for a fucking McDonald's ....

I always take a peppermint teabag with me when I am visiting as I do not consume caffeine. Jane has just taken it to another level to include food. Better to do that than sit not eating, which would be even more embarrassing.

I once went to lunch with someone and the meal was a huge sort of savoury souffle that contained everything (veg, cheese etc.) - eggs give me the squits and there was nothing else to have.That was awkward. I wish I had brought a plastic box.

Well, it must be that she has some sort of issue about food that for whatever reason she didn't feel comfortable to disclose. It might be that she's always dealt with it by bringing her own food (maybe her mum used to do it for her as a child) so sees this as normal and reasonable rather than attempt to explain what her eating issue is and expect you to cater to her.

As you get to know her perhaps she'll confide the issue. You could just ask her directly, in a friendly non confrontational way of course. I would keep inviting her to things, if you like her as a friend and eventually it'll come out, whatever it is.

I have a friend who has a lot of issues to do with food - when I first met him and he was invited to social things involving food he would either decline, or come but bring his own sandwiches. He didn't want to talk about it but we eventually put together that there is an issue and over time he's opened up and even eaten a meal I cooked for him which was quite an achievement.

Summersnake! So what would be your reasons? Might shed light on this

Moussaka originated in Turkey. As did most Greek food, the Ottoman Empire cast a long shadow.

www.akitcheninistanbul.com/2017/03/turkish-moussaka-patlican-musakka/

What a tale!

Why are you calling her Jane by the way? Is it because you think that she wouldn't recognise this fantastical scenario should she come across it by accident?

As others have said. Greece, Turkey, Lebanon...

She has food issues so it's not you, besides as the only person to behave like this she was the one looking weird! I think the way she handled it wasn't very smooth, she probably knows how weird she looks and tried to deflect and ended up vaguely sort of dissing your food. I have a friend who is constantly on a diet, fair enough but she won't admit to dieting. She won't touch bread and will remove the bread part from sandwiches and only eat the filling. It looks weird so she always makes a point to say that she has gluten intolerance and has to avoid wheat, while eating a large bowl of soup that is in fact stuffed with gluten (she doesn't seem to realise that gluten is in many things not just bread). I don't understand why she can't just say she's watching her weight, she's rather a perfectionist though and she likes to make things look effortless.

If she had said she didn't like your menu, you would have tried to accommodate her and perhaps she doesn't like any Turkish food. So rather than change a menu which everyone else generally agreed upon, she brought her own.
My DH has allergies and we'd probably bring our own food. We wouldn't say 'these are the allergies' because tbh people cooking at home often miss items with allergens and it's not worth taking the risk.
I wouldn't take it as a personal insult or be reconsidering how you all socialise.

Gluten intolerant, low carbing, low calorie...

Did you read what she brought with her? A panini, Dairylea Lunchable and some crisps.

What was it about those items that would make someone think she was gluten intolerant, low carbing or desperate to cut calories?

Some people just struggle to eat out, and don’t want to ruin the moment or not be there, because they like you. She probably hoped she could ‘join in’ but then freaked out and resorted to her safety pack up. Just try to accept her weirdness unless it becomes repeated rudeness that affects you in other ways.

It's odd, but not necessarily rude. I don't see the issue, just save her portion as leftovers.

It wouldn’t have been an issue or have been seen as rude if she’d felt able to tell you she would be bringing her own food. For me it’s the not saying anything and just turning up with a lunch box that is odd and unfair as OPs reaction shows. Her first thought was did I make a bad choice of menu, does she not trust me to cook for her etc.

I think it’s rude. If she’s not keen on Turkish food, she could have had a discreet word with you before, and then you could have had a plain rice dish or something prepared for her, or she could have,offered to bring a dish for everyone to share.

However, to bring a pack lunch is rude. Even if she did have food intolerances, it would have been polite to pre-warn you before.

Just try and ignore!
My mil did this at my ds2 birthday party. I’d made usual party stuff plus burgers, salads etc and I went outside to find a little foil package with the remnants of her packed lunch in it! No explanation from her to say why she had special dietary requirements that day. She just rudely sat there and ate it.
Some people are odd!

Someone posted upthread asking why I’ve called her Jane - I have changed a few details and I know she doesn’t use Mumsnet. Yes it is quite a tale, which Is why I wanted to canvas opinion on how to deal with it.

I couldn’t quite believe it either when it initially happened but now I’m seeing from the responses that it’s probably not that unusual. Which has made me feel better and also made me think about nice ways to try and make her feel comfortable in future without making a big deal of it.

I thought moussaka was also served in Turkey so thanks whoever posted that.