AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

[whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2]

Haha, this is brilliant! What an odd bod. If you decide to not take this personally OP (which you absolutely shouldn't) then you can tease this friend mercilessly for the rest of time.

Look on it as a delightful quirk. Your food sounds lovely btw.

[IncyWincyMouseRat]

AIBU to have a massive need to eat a ham and cheese dairylea lunchable now? I can only have had them a handful of times as a child but can still remember exactly how they tasted. Yes, they are totally unhealthy and grim but pregnancy cravings are weird 🤷‍♀️

[SaucyJack]

No one who has orthorexia would choose a to eat a Dairylea Lunchable over a home-made falafel dadjoke.

[DadJoke]

You certainly didn't do anything wrong, and she wasn't giving out to you. She may well have orthorexia or another eating disorder, so a breezy laughing acknowledgement was the right approach. As you get to know her more, you might find out what's behind it.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Look, how ever many 'issues' a person has, what the fuck happened to thinking about other people as well as yourself? This woman seems to have gone out of her way to make the dinner party all about her, which is just graceless and rude. Most people are more than willing to be understanding if someone says 'I have a restricted diet' - either asking what the person can eat, cheerfully accepting that the person will bring their own food, or suggesting a non-food-involving get-together.

[helsinkihelen]

It just seems the OP could be a bit more empathetic seeing as she had been in a really dark place until quite recently and this was a big step for her. Perhaps realise that bringing a lunchbox to a dinner party means that that person is perhaps going through stuff.

[BerylStreep]

I eat a fairly restricted diet (low carb, gluten and grain free) and really worry about going to people's houses to eat.

I wouldn't speak to a host beforehand as I think it is making my issues theirs and I don't want to seem hard work. I also don't like to invite any comments or conversation about my food choices. Tbh I would probably eat beforehand and then have a tiny portion of whatever was being served.

I'm just about to go on a week's training course with a tiny group, limited access to shops and cooking facilities, and worrying how I am going to cope with food has been quite stressful. Avocados and tubes of mayo are going to be my friend.

[MyOtherProfile]

Carmarthen! I'm sure that must be true!

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

Tammy, I'm sorry this thread has been difficult for you, and very sorry to hear about the background to that. In your case, if you can't face (very understandably) talking to people you don't know very well about this, I think I'd go for the white lie of saying you have IBS or severe allergies/intolerances, and have to be very careful about your diet, so would it be OK if you brought your own food? Alternatively, with someone you know better, you could say that you are able to eat very plainly cooked meat or fish and simple carby accompaniments, but that's all. I know if somebody approached me in those circumstances I'd want to accommodate them as much as possible.

In the OP's case I think the issue is not that the guest didn't eat what everybody else did, just that she didn't communicate about it in advance.

[helsinkihelen]

There's a joke in these parts that palma ham originated from carmarthen!

[MyOtherProfile]

How can that be Helsinki when everyone knows falafel are Greek?

[helsinkihelen]

Fyi: We used to have a local Sudanease falafel shop!

[helsinkihelen]

I just find this thread strange. If a friend of mine does something odd that isn't in any way malicious I would just accept it. Clearly there's some kind of issue with food, whether she's got a phobia about eating food prepared by other people, intollerences, ocd, eating disorder... could be anything - even thats shes got a phoboa about chucking foid away and it was her lunch that she didnt get ti eat. Who knows! i would just be empathetic. It's a bit unnecessary to take it personally. I mean if she had been the only person you'd invited and youd told her what sort of food it was and then turned up with a lunch box - then i'd be annoyed that the food had gone to waste - but thats not the case. The main thing is everyone ate and everyone had fun. I don't know why people take it so personally if people don't eat their food. I think that says more about them than the person who doesn't eat.

[manicinsomniac]

Reanimated That's a good point and generally, no, I wouldn't. There are possible circumstances though. Last year I had a task from an outpatient treatment team where I had to invite people for dinner, cook it and eat it with them. Horrified me but I had to take enthusiasm. Going to someone else's house and not being in charge of the menu us a feasible treatment task I guess (though if it was that she certainly failed it pretty badly! )

[MyOtherProfile]

Myotherprofile I suppose ‘they’re all the same’ are you one of those?

Strange assumption MrsWhirly given that as I said I've travelled in all 3 of those countries I mentioned. While as I have pointed out, there are some culinary overlaps and similarities I'm not stupid or racist and don't assume the peiple are all the same. We share some culinary overlaps with the French but I don't think we are "all the same". I still remember reading a friend's cookbook in France which had a flag on each page to say what country the food was from and shepherds pie had a French flag, which caused some discussion!
Anyway I'll overlook your comment as you don't know me and probably didn't read my post properly.

[user1495884620]

Given that the OP said that she changed a few details, she probably altered the theme of the meal and you lot are arguing about moussaka when she actually served dahl.

[Museumland]

You sound really lovely and a kind hostess. I think I agree with some of the others that she has food issues. I agree that may be if you take turns ask her to take the first one.

[MrsWhirly]

Myotherprofile I suppose ‘they’re all the same’ are you one of those?

^Any Turkish or Greek or Moroccan restaurant I've been to in the UK would serve a similar menu and I've eaten similar food in all 3 of those countries.
In fact in our family we have a bit of a joke. "Anyone fancy a Greek salad for lunch?"
"O no thanks I'd much rather a Turkish one." "Ah well that's totally different."^

[TheOriginalEmu]

I am also Arab, but I’m not Egyptian or a falafel

this comment has made my day

reanimated people with food issues and eating disorders are often obsessed with food. my son is, he loves to talk about it, cook it, plan meals.....he just can't bring himself to eat it. itsa complex, and often illogical thing.
whoever said fussy eaters aren't worth it....well, fuck you.

[MyOtherProfile]

Jane's behaviour is odd but I wouldn't let it change the plans of the group. She was obviously happy to make her adaptations and join in so I'd let her continue.

But what has really made me smile throughout rhe thread is this kind of comment:
YABU to call falafel and moussaka Turkish
Surely people know that several countries around the Med have variations on the same kind of foods, from falafel to moussaka to baklava to houmous? Any Turkish or Greek or Moroccan restaurant I've been to in the UK would serve a similar menu and I've eaten similar food in all 3 of those countries.
In fact in our family we have a bit of a joke. "Anyone fancy a Greek salad for lunch?"
"O no thanks I'd much rather a Turkish one." "Ah well that's totally different."

[Motoko]

But @tammyswansontwo would you ask someone to host a dinner party, because you were away when they hosted the last one? Because that's what's happened here.

[FissionChips]

Other posters who have issues around food: would you request that your friendship group have a dinner party, though?

Yes, because it seems to be what you do if you want a get together. I know other people enjoy different foods and like to bond with it, why wouldn’t I suggest it? I don’t see why I have to eat the same , it’s being together enjoying a meal that it’s about isn’t it? Why does it have to be the same meal?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Other posters who have issues around food: would you request that your friendship group have a dinner party, though? Jane was the one who suggested it, Jane was the one pushing for it to be hosted and catered for by OP... and Jane was the one who was critical of the food and insisted on eating her own.
Surely if you have either allergies, an eating disorder or some other problem around sharing meals with friends, you try to avoid food-centric social occasions and try to arrange that your friendship group's meetings are not at mealtimes, or at most involve something like meeting in a coffee shop (where you can just have a mineral water or something).

[Hanifah96]

If you stay friends I’m guessing this will make a funny story for the future. Lol

I actually knew someone in school who had preorder of fish fingers and a milk carton EVERYDAY.

If it was me, and I’m sure others would say the same, if someone invited me for something I didn’t like I’d either try to politely add a different food suggestion, and failing that I’d make an excuse and not go but each to their own! I would not be turning up with a Lunchable though

[Strongmummy]

@meow - no one said Turks were Arab did they? I said falafel was Arab (probably Egyptian). I am also Arab, but I’m not Egyptian or a falafel.

Just to reiterate OP - YANBU!!!!