AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

You sound so lovely, OP!

Just as a different slant on this there was a thread in here very recently but I can't find it where the op had an eating disorder and really wanted to go to her friends dinner party but was scared because she knew she wasn't well enough to eat the food provided, but thought possibly taking a salad meant she could eat but still be part of the evening 99% of people told her that the host would probably be fine with it and she was brave to still want to go despite the issues but she was advised rather than just turn up she should phone to have a wee chat with the host before hand

Was there not a thread on here recently where the op had an eating disorder / social anxiety but didn’t want to miss out on a special social occasion or seem rude and the overwhelming majority said to take own food. I don’t see a problem with it . If it was me I would have mentioned it privately beforehand

That was my thread and, when I saw this thread title, I was frightened it might be about me for a moment. But the details don't fit. I wouldn't usually consider attending a social occasion that centred around food if I could avoid it but this particular one was hosted by a friend who is very isolated due to physical disability and mental health problems and she had taken a huge step in inviting people so I felt like she'd take it as a huge rejection if one of the few people she'd dared to approach turned her down.

Everyone on the thread was absolutely lovely and advised me to talk to her beforehand, explain that I have anorexia and ask if I could bring a share sized salad as a starter/accompaniment. I did that and had a lovely evening out. Nobody even asked me why I didn't eat the takeaway.

Fussy eaters generally aren’t worth the social effort. I absolutely do not mean people who have genuine allergies/religious dietary requirements (in general I find they tend to have practical solutions, communicate well, and aren’t PITAs)

But that kind of reaction is what I was so worried about beforehand. It used to be the accepted response to adult food issues on mumsnet and it's so lovely to see, both from my thread a while ago and from this one, that most people seem to be considering issues more sensitively now.

Personally, it sounds to me like your friend is more likely to have food phobias or be very fussy rather than have an eating disorder but it could be any or all of those things, or something entirely different. But I think it's very unlikely she did it for her own amusement and her reaction sounds like painfully awkward defensiveness through attempted humour to me. I am so glad that you still want to be her friend!

Sounds to me like she has very immature and unsophisticated food tastes. Who brings a dairylea lunchable to an adult dinner party?

Your menu sounds lovely but it would set off my IBS and I'd be in the toilet before the end of the night. I prefer not to have to tell people about it but usually avoid situations like this as it can be embarrassing and painful. Just a thought?

Fussy eaters generally aren’t worth the social effort.

Charming.

Yes, it’s definitely my fault that my childhood was full of abuse including being force fed certain things which I can now no longer eat. I suppose I should just explain this to everyone I ever meet so they don’t think I’m a “PITA”.

Honestly, some people are such arseholes.

Maybe she's pregnant but doesn't want anyone to know yet?

Polly since when can pregnant women not eat falafels or moussaka?

How rude. Either make it clear you don't like the cuisine being served or have an allergy etc or eat what your host has provided. Cooking for people is an act of giving, it feels like a slap when people don't care.

tammyswansontwo hey don't you dare feel embaressed.we all have our "things" it was really brave for you to put it.we all need a bit more compassion for people who genuinely have something going on for them that might not be the "norm" and need to take a look as if we were in your shoes and how bloody hard it must be to deal with such things.
don't give up trying though,you never no what might come that helps you able to have some eh.xx

@manicinsomniac I'm so sorry I scared you thinking it was about you! I do feel bad about starting the thread but I was genuinely looking for advice. I hope you don't mind my prying, but how would you be happy with a friend approaching you about it? Is there any way that wouldn't make you anxious or under the spotlight/stressed?

I definitely do want to be her friend still and now I've got over my self-absorbed embarrassment (and through helpful posts here) I can take a step back and see her comments etc were most likely to be awkward defensiveness. I'm hoping the bring your own dish dinner will make things a little more relaxed - I may bring up my own intolerance [mild] and I know there are a few others that have allergies etc in the group, so maybe that will make her feel a bit more relaxed.

I just did the self-absorbed thing of making her behaviour about me initially and was focusing on the 'weirdness' and how it made me feel rather than looking at what might be going on with her.

Also - does anybody else want to weigh in and tell me off for serving falafel and moussaka as part of a turkish menu?

@tammyswansontwo great name btw. I'm so sorry to hear that - and I disagree wholeheartedly at what the previous poster said, we all have our issues, some are more obvious and more awkward to deal with in public/social occasions that others. I think saying people with food issues aren't worth the time is an awful attitude.

mmmgoats - oh gosh, please don't apologise! I'm sure we could all have 'oh shit, that could be me' moments from any number of thread titles.

Personally, I don't especially like being approached about it but I am able to take comments/advice/help as they are intended. Sometimes it's unhelpful, sometimes it's helpful and sometimes it's probably necessary. So it's hard to generalise. It's not hard for people to work out what my issues are for themselves because I'm significantly underweight so that + not eating/weird eating kind of tells people everything they need to know anyway. But, when people do approach me, the best kind of thing is probably comments that focus around practicalities and logistics of managing things as they are rather than attempting to change or 'fix' me. I totally, totally get why people might want or feel obligated to do that, but it's not the responsibility of friends. I have medical professionals for that. I have had deep and helpful conversations with close friends about it. But they have happened organically and over time. They weren't planned conversations with new friends.

Having said all that, not everybody is the same. Some people feel comforted or validated by talking about things as much as they can and others never find it helpful or appropriate (sorry, I know that's not a very helpful answer! )

You definitely don't sound self absorbed by the way! In fact you come across as really understanding, empathetic and generous.

Moussaka is Turkish, from Ottoman times. Many Greek dishes are of Ottoman origin. Moussaka is not common in all of the Arab world, and Turks are not Arabs. Just FYI.

@meow - no one said Turks were Arab did they? I said falafel was Arab (probably Egyptian). I am also Arab, but I’m not Egyptian or a falafel.

Just to reiterate OP - YANBU!!!!

If you stay friends I’m guessing this will make a funny story for the future. Lol

I actually knew someone in school who had preorder of fish fingers and a milk carton EVERYDAY.

If it was me, and I’m sure others would say the same, if someone invited me for something I didn’t like I’d either try to politely add a different food suggestion, and failing that I’d make an excuse and not go but each to their own! I would not be turning up with a Lunchable though

Other posters who have issues around food: would you request that your friendship group have a dinner party, though? Jane was the one who suggested it, Jane was the one pushing for it to be hosted and catered for by OP... and Jane was the one who was critical of the food and insisted on eating her own.
Surely if you have either allergies, an eating disorder or some other problem around sharing meals with friends, you try to avoid food-centric social occasions and try to arrange that your friendship group's meetings are not at mealtimes, or at most involve something like meeting in a coffee shop (where you can just have a mineral water or something).

Other posters who have issues around food: would you request that your friendship group have a dinner party, though?

Yes, because it seems to be what you do if you want a get together. I know other people enjoy different foods and like to bond with it, why wouldn’t I suggest it? I don’t see why I have to eat the same , it’s being together enjoying a meal that it’s about isn’t it? Why does it have to be the same meal?

But @tammyswansontwo would you ask someone to host a dinner party, because you were away when they hosted the last one? Because that's what's happened here.

Jane's behaviour is odd but I wouldn't let it change the plans of the group. She was obviously happy to make her adaptations and join in so I'd let her continue.

But what has really made me smile throughout rhe thread is this kind of comment:
YABU to call falafel and moussaka Turkish
Surely people know that several countries around the Med have variations on the same kind of foods, from falafel to moussaka to baklava to houmous? Any Turkish or Greek or Moroccan restaurant I've been to in the UK would serve a similar menu and I've eaten similar food in all 3 of those countries.
In fact in our family we have a bit of a joke. "Anyone fancy a Greek salad for lunch?"
"O no thanks I'd much rather a Turkish one." "Ah well that's totally different."

I am also Arab, but I’m not Egyptian or a falafel

this comment has made my day

reanimated people with food issues and eating disorders are often obsessed with food. my son is, he loves to talk about it, cook it, plan meals.....he just can't bring himself to eat it. itsa complex, and often illogical thing.
whoever said fussy eaters aren't worth it....well, fuck you.

Myotherprofile I suppose ‘they’re all the same’ are you one of those?

^Any Turkish or Greek or Moroccan restaurant I've been to in the UK would serve a similar menu and I've eaten similar food in all 3 of those countries.
In fact in our family we have a bit of a joke. "Anyone fancy a Greek salad for lunch?"
"O no thanks I'd much rather a Turkish one." "Ah well that's totally different."^

You sound really lovely and a kind hostess. I think I agree with some of the others that she has food issues. I agree that may be if you take turns ask her to take the first one.

Given that the OP said that she changed a few details, she probably altered the theme of the meal and you lot are arguing about moussaka when she actually served dahl.

Myotherprofile I suppose ‘they’re all the same’ are you one of those?

Strange assumption MrsWhirly given that as I said I've travelled in all 3 of those countries I mentioned. While as I have pointed out, there are some culinary overlaps and similarities I'm not stupid or racist and don't assume the peiple are all the same. We share some culinary overlaps with the French but I don't think we are "all the same". I still remember reading a friend's cookbook in France which had a flag on each page to say what country the food was from and shepherds pie had a French flag, which caused some discussion!
Anyway I'll overlook your comment as you don't know me and probably didn't read my post properly.

Reanimated That's a good point and generally, no, I wouldn't. There are possible circumstances though. Last year I had a task from an outpatient treatment team where I had to invite people for dinner, cook it and eat it with them. Horrified me but I had to take enthusiasm. Going to someone else's house and not being in charge of the menu us a feasible treatment task I guess (though if it was that she certainly failed it pretty badly! )

I just find this thread strange. If a friend of mine does something odd that isn't in any way malicious I would just accept it. Clearly there's some kind of issue with food, whether she's got a phobia about eating food prepared by other people, intollerences, ocd, eating disorder... could be anything - even thats shes got a phoboa about chucking foid away and it was her lunch that she didnt get ti eat. Who knows! i would just be empathetic. It's a bit unnecessary to take it personally. I mean if she had been the only person you'd invited and youd told her what sort of food it was and then turned up with a lunch box - then i'd be annoyed that the food had gone to waste - but thats not the case. The main thing is everyone ate and everyone had fun. I don't know why people take it so personally if people don't eat their food. I think that says more about them than the person who doesn't eat.