AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

Fyi: We used to have a local Sudanease falafel shop!

How can that be Helsinki when everyone knows falafel are Greek?

There's a joke in these parts that palma ham originated from carmarthen!

Tammy, I'm sorry this thread has been difficult for you, and very sorry to hear about the background to that. In your case, if you can't face (very understandably) talking to people you don't know very well about this, I think I'd go for the white lie of saying you have IBS or severe allergies/intolerances, and have to be very careful about your diet, so would it be OK if you brought your own food? Alternatively, with someone you know better, you could say that you are able to eat very plainly cooked meat or fish and simple carby accompaniments, but that's all. I know if somebody approached me in those circumstances I'd want to accommodate them as much as possible.

In the OP's case I think the issue is not that the guest didn't eat what everybody else did, just that she didn't communicate about it in advance.

Carmarthen! I'm sure that must be true!

I eat a fairly restricted diet (low carb, gluten and grain free) and really worry about going to people's houses to eat.

I wouldn't speak to a host beforehand as I think it is making my issues theirs and I don't want to seem hard work. I also don't like to invite any comments or conversation about my food choices. Tbh I would probably eat beforehand and then have a tiny portion of whatever was being served.

I'm just about to go on a week's training course with a tiny group, limited access to shops and cooking facilities, and worrying how I am going to cope with food has been quite stressful. Avocados and tubes of mayo are going to be my friend.

It just seems the OP could be a bit more empathetic seeing as she had been in a really dark place until quite recently and this was a big step for her. Perhaps realise that bringing a lunchbox to a dinner party means that that person is perhaps going through stuff.

Look, how ever many 'issues' a person has, what the fuck happened to thinking about other people as well as yourself? This woman seems to have gone out of her way to make the dinner party all about her, which is just graceless and rude. Most people are more than willing to be understanding if someone says 'I have a restricted diet' - either asking what the person can eat, cheerfully accepting that the person will bring their own food, or suggesting a non-food-involving get-together.

You certainly didn't do anything wrong, and she wasn't giving out to you. She may well have orthorexia or another eating disorder, so a breezy laughing acknowledgement was the right approach. As you get to know her more, you might find out what's behind it.

No one who has orthorexia would choose a to eat a Dairylea Lunchable over a home-made falafel dadjoke.

AIBU to have a massive need to eat a ham and cheese dairylea lunchable now? I can only have had them a handful of times as a child but can still remember exactly how they tasted. Yes, they are totally unhealthy and grim but pregnancy cravings are weird 🤷‍♀️

Haha, this is brilliant! What an odd bod. If you decide to not take this personally OP (which you absolutely shouldn't) then you can tease this friend mercilessly for the rest of time.

Look on it as a delightful quirk. Your food sounds lovely btw.