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AIBU?

AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

287 replies

mmmgoats · 08/06/2018 19:00

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

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TheWernethWife · 08/06/2018 19:18

I would love to go to dinner where the host has cooked lovely food. Toffee does it really matter, the OP has cooked for her friends, I think it would be churlish to comment on the originality of the meal.

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melodybirds · 08/06/2018 19:19

I agree it's odd and not socially acceptable to bring your own dinner to a dinner party.

But.. I wish we were more lax about the rules. It's hard to gage her attitude about being rude but so often I've not gone to events because they always involve food and I didn't want to be weird bringing my own.

Food is such a charged subject with loads of ppl on diets or having intolerance yet the rules remain regimented so everyone feels like they have to fit in.

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Move2WY · 08/06/2018 19:19

I would just accept it if I like her in other ways. Unusual behaviour I suppose but I wouldn’t let it likit your invites or suggestions to meet at her etc.

She sounds fun to be honest and I like people with balls. I would have just sat and eaten food i didnt like to be polite. I like her.

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Orangecake123 · 08/06/2018 19:20

She might have an eating disorder or severe allergies- you didn't do anything wrong.

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expatinscotland · 08/06/2018 19:21

'But
the best solution is an "American Supper"
where each person brings a small side dish, a small portion of a main and a small pudding
then those who want o share can and those who don't don't
and the host is not trying to guess'

How does anyone ever get the idea that this is a thing in America? It's not. At all! Bring and share or potlucks are popular, but you bring only one dish and a large amount of it. You don't bring small amounts of several dishes and then eat only that if you don't want to share. You bring a sharing dish and you eat what you please out of other dishes people have brought to share.

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CurlyWurlyTwirly · 08/06/2018 19:21

It is a bit odd, but if she is otherwise a nice person, is it really such a big deal?
I love moussaka btw!

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JennyHolzersGhost · 08/06/2018 19:23

Does she get on with anyone in partic in the group who could raise it with her delicately ?

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Nicknacky · 08/06/2018 19:23

But you had messaged everyone knowing that not everyone might like what you were serving so it sounds like she was trying not to be rude by making an issue of it.

And I feel sorry for her that everyone has been talking about her behind her back if she does have good issues or an eating disorder.

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mmmgoats · 08/06/2018 19:24

@oblomov18 okay you can come next time then in that case Grin

@curlywurlytwirly no I guess it's not, it was just really unexpected at the time and it's played on my mind, I don't know why. I think maybe because I really value this new group, they've been great at getting me back out and about, and I felt a bit wrongfooted I guess even though it probably sounds really silly.

I like the idea of the everyone bring something next time, that could work and make it even more informal.

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mmmgoats · 08/06/2018 19:25

@nicknacky I know I do feel bad about the messaging, but it's really not been slagging her off at all - yes we have commented that it was a bit odd and we weren't sure what to make of it, but it's more wondering if we should tread more carefully with food related get togethers, nothing nasty. I don't really see how we could discuss that in a group with her without putting her on the spot.

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marjorie25 · 08/06/2018 19:25

I always tell friends upfront: I don't eat meat, chicken, seafood of any kind and eggs.
When it comes to fish, I only eat salt water fish (yes there is a difference). I do not want to put any extra expense on you, but I would not have any problem bringing salmon so everyone could enjoy.
I would then have salmon with whatever else was on offer.

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DistanceCall · 08/06/2018 19:25

Eating disorder / food issues.

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userxx · 08/06/2018 19:26

Don't take it personally, some people are like that. I have a very good friend who I would never cook for as she's funny with food and needs to make her own. I'm not going to fall out with her over her quirky ways.

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TroubledLichen · 08/06/2018 19:26

But how is this actually rude?
She knew what the menu was in advance, she wasn’t put on the spot yet she still let the OP spend money catering for her. Then she actually criticised the food that she hadn’t even tried by claiming the moussaka was too rich. I don’t see how anyone could think that’s not rude.

This guest knew she was bringing her kid’s school lunch, the polite thing to do would have been to say so in advance. Even if she didn’t want to share the real reason, for example, if it was eating disorder or phobia related, then she could have easily made an excuse like saying she’s on a diet/has allergies/just generally a fussy eater and tell the host that she’d bring her own food.

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Crunchymum · 08/06/2018 19:27

Either sensory issues or disordered eating.

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Nicknacky · 08/06/2018 19:27

I didn't say you have been slagging her but you have all been talking about her and that's unfair. Why let people know then make an issue when they bring their own food?

Surely that was the point of letting them know in advance? The only thing she hasn't done is explained why but she probably felt awkward in a new group of friends.

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sonjadog · 08/06/2018 19:27

I would guess that she has some sort of food issue and she really wants to be part of the gang so was trying to pass it off as normal (and failing). I would just go with it for now. Plan your dinner parties and let her come and enjoy the company while eating her own food if that's what she's happiest with. I doubt very much it has anything at all to do with you.

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Robots1Humans0 · 08/06/2018 19:30

She could have something like OCD/anxiety around food and others preparing it , hand washing etc. A close family member of mine is like this and it was debilitating for a while. If not something like this then totally weird behaviour yes!! Xx

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NorksAkimbo72 · 08/06/2018 19:30

I have a super fussy friend...no fruit, no veg, no spice, no sauce...you get the idea. She is embarrassed by it, largely, and gets quite defensive when close friends tease her about it, so maybe this is the same for your friend? If she's newish to the group, she may feel embarrassed to bring it up. See how she is at the next gathering...she may eventually say something once she feels closer to you all.

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StruggsToFunc · 08/06/2018 19:30

marjorie I’m curious - why only saltwater fish?

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HonkyWonkWoman · 08/06/2018 19:31

It is very odd of Jane to bring a lunchbox to a Dinner Party but you like her so, so what!
Carry on with your get togethers, including Jane and leave her to it.
Ignore it, it's just a quirk of hers.

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mmmgoats · 08/06/2018 19:32

@nicknacky I let people know in advance what I was making to ask if they had any issues - dislikes/allergies/intolerances/anything else they'd prefer instead. Which is why I found it odd. Because others mentioned things they didn't like etc.

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WhaleofaThyme · 08/06/2018 19:32

I know someone who eats like Jane did - she has an eating disorder. She is also stick thin but she only eats crap and she always knows the calories, and she always goes to the bathroom after she's eaten said crap.

I don't think it reflects badly on you; it is a bit weird, but I would brush it off as the friendship seems good.

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KittyHawke80 · 08/06/2018 19:32

I’m sorry: a fucking Dairylea lunchable?!?! There’s your problem. Your friend has never been to a dinner party - because she’s seven-and-three-quarters.

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NataliaOsipova · 08/06/2018 19:32

I say eating disorder too. She may be one of those people who obsessively calorie counts but is too embarrassed to say so. I had a friend like this; she'd eat utter crap as well, but would know the exact number of calories in everything that went into her mouth. You can't know this if you eat lovely food cooked by a friend at her house...

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