AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

Would have been nicer if she had said to count her out & she'd cater for herself.

At least she didn't just sit not eating.

But it's kind of as if Op's food wasn't good enough after she'd seen it.

Yes moussaka is greek.
I think maybe she has an issue with controlling her food intake.
Eating disorder?
Attention seeking?
It is very rude though.
If she is nice in all other ways then continue to welcome her.

I have a wonderful friend who can only eat beige food. She’d probably do this because she’d be terrified of the food you’d served.

I love my friend a lot, but I’d never go to a restaurant she’d recommended .

I would message her privately and just ask her if there’s something deeper going on and let her know that if she wanted to confide in you then that would be fine.

It could be a multitude of things and you never know, perhaps there’s something simple that could have been done to make her feel comfortable.

At face value it is strange but there must be more too it than meets the eye. You never know, maybe you’ll be able to remove a huge weight off her mind by approaching her?

If I liked her I wouldn't make a big deal of it, I don't see it as a slight on you at all, I would put it down to eating issues and not dwell on it.

That is extremely odd but if she is otherwise polite and pleasant this might just be a personality quirk rather than outright rudeness. For instance you have ungrateful hippies (those people who refuse to do thank you cards etc of of c principle because it is bad for the environment) or the vanishing act (people who habitually fail to say a proper good bye when leaving a party instead just vanish). Jane might just be lunch box lady.

Maybe she didn't respond when you asked about allergies /dislikes, etc. because she finds it hard to talk about and didn't want to have to explain it all to someone she doesn't know very well yet?

Just as a different slant on this there was a thread in here very recently but I can't find it where the op had an eating disorder and really wanted to go to her friends dinner party but was scared because she knew she wasn't well enough to eat the food provided, but thought possibly taking a salad meant she could eat but still be part of the evening 99% of people told her that the host would probably be fine with it and she was brave to still want to go despite the issues but she was advised rather than just turn up she should phone to have a wee chat with the host before hand.

My hunch is that 'Jane' is counting calories and has issues around food. I have a friend, who I love to bits, who pulled a similar stunt years ago when we first met. Four of us met as a new group of friends, like you, at a shared activity. One of the group invited us all for dinner. The invitation was explicitly for dinner. The host presented us with some lovely food and this friend said "Oh I've had a big dinner so I'm really full. I'll just eat these olives." It was so strange. I've got used to her over the years and now we just do coffee! She's worth it because she's lovely; smart, kind, funny, eccentric. She does however have major issues with food and various friends have dropped her due to this. If you like this friend and want to maintain this friendship, then you may have to accept it's part of who she is.

I know someone who does this. She used to be on Slimming World but is now obsessed with what she eats, calorie counts, doesn’t go out for meals to restaurants etc.

I can’t believe you’re getting stick over this. It’s totally weird to tuck into a kid’s lunchbox with no warning at a dinner party. In fact it’s plain rude. If it’s an eating disorder or one of the other excuses people are coming up with for her then fine but she should have tipped you the nod. I’d have to ask her ahead of the next dinner party.

Was there not a thread on here recently where the op had an eating disorder / social anxiety but didn’t want to miss out on a special social occasion or seem rude and the overwhelming majority said to take own food. .
I don’t see a problem with it . If it was me I would have mentioned it privately beforehand

It's a bit odd but she may have just not wanted to tell you she didn't like what you had made. Would have been worse if she sat there with a miserable face picking at your food or complaining, instead she just sorted herself and got on with it. Perhaps she only likes plain food but doesn't feel comfortable admitting it. Do you really care? She's not hurting anyone and you've said she's lovely otherwise. Don't embarrass her by bringing it up just yet. Just let her get on with it and enjoy her company and friendship, we all have our quirks!

There are loads of things that make me fart like a trooper or leave me running for the toilet (IBS and other complications). I've gone out with people before and have had to eat a chicken salad on a 'curry night', or I've skipped the meal bit and joined them for drinks later on... it's not the kind of thing you always want to tell people though so she probably just brought something as an emergency. Don't be too hard on her.

Thanks for all the advice.
I think I might message her directly @paddybare as you've suggested. I'm starting to feel really terrible for the talking behind her back even though it obviously wasn't negative and actually about trying to understand.

I think I will also suggest we do a bring your own food and booze night with a film or something - do you think that would be less uncomfortable for someone who might have eating issues? (anyone who has any experience with this)

I agree, sounds like issues with food. I had a friend who would not eat anything prepared in someone else's house (eg. if you bought a cake into work or anything prepared by someone else). Not being rude, but had a genuine 'phobia' of it, a proper medical condition, but I'm no medical expert so don't want to cause offense by using the wrong term. They would eat a huge variety of stuff they had made themselves. I wouldn't let it spoil a friendship. Maybe if she comes again offer a few things you could make or give her the option to 'bring something herself like last time' if she prefers.

Moussaka is a Greek dish no ?

Please don’t take it personally.
Whatever the reason, that fact that she feels comfortable around you to bring stuff and be with you all socially and enjoy the evening- rather than not go out- I would say just accept that it is what it is. She is happy to socialise, if she wants to bring her own stuff then let her and don’t make an issue of it.

oh and our local turkish restaurants have moussaka on the menu (and have eaten it in Turkey) so thought it was also Turkish? Happy to be corrected though! It's delicious, either way!

I agree with the posters that say Jane has food related issues , this could be a intolerance, hygiene thing ( not at all suggesting OP is unhygienic ) or any number of other issues .
I think the pot luck idea is great I have done this a few times and it works well as you do not have tons of prep' to do and get to try lots of food you might not have been tempted by before , but make a rough list of what people are going to bring ( I had 3 currys and about a ton of coleslaw at on but no rice / pasta / nan bread / poppadoms etc ) .

On a different occasion on person turned up with a HUGE bag of frozen chips and about 20 bottles of sauces and dips , and 3 loafs of buttered bread I am WTF ! but it proved to be very popular , .

( who does not love a chip buttie )

I think this sounds like disordered eating. She might be obsessively trying to control her calorie intake and is too embarrassed to say so. Dairylea might not seem very healthy to you but maybe she only wants to eat prepackaged food so she knows exactly how many calories are in it.

I would let it slide.

Mousakka is Greek

I would leave it and not message her, if it continued to happen then I would maybe consider speaking to her. It might have been a one off.

I've said I am happy to be corrected about the origins of moussaka but that's really not the point of this thread. Only on MN

I’m a packed lunch bringer, I have sensory isssues with food.
If she does have sensory issues then I can understand her not telling you in advance as it can just become very stressful as the host tends to insist that there must be something you can eat then acts all offended when you say no.