Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

287 replies

mmmgoats · 08/06/2018 19:00

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 08/06/2018 19:10

She came across as a being a bit of a tit, and rude. Don't stop the gatherings, or the meals, and if you end up being really good friends you can make a joke out of it.

I might be inclined to let her host he nest one though.....evil laugh.

R2G · 08/06/2018 19:10

If you like her just leave her to it. Some people are odd about food. I have a friend whose lost an incredible amount of weight and she always brings something as she's very strict with her diet. However she'll tell a white lie, like oh I couldn't remember about food. As she doesn't like to speak about her diet, only in her slimming group.

mmmgoats · 08/06/2018 19:10

@caribbeanyesplease it's more than it was so weird, if it was an eating disorder or something we don't want to make her feel bad, so would stop the dinner party idea but wouldn't necessarily stop meeting up full stop! We would just stick with our current coffee or change it to wine or something with no sit down dinner involved.

Or she could be fussy or something but one of the other girls has an intolerance and mentioned it, another one really doesn't like halloumi [which I suggested as a starter] so there was a conversation about likes and dislikes on the chat, unless she missed it and didn't feel like she could start it up again.

Just a bit bemused and felt a bit embarrassed that she would rather eat that then my cooking, but I spose I shouldn't take it personally.

OP posts:
Candyflip · 08/06/2018 19:10

Wow that is rude! If you are not willing to drop her from the friendship group for being rude enough to bring her own food to a catered party. You should definitely drop her as a friend for eating lunchables. I honestly don’t think I could ever get past that. 😖

Beamur · 08/06/2018 19:10

Don't take it personally. It sounds like she has certain issues around food but still wanted to join you.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 08/06/2018 19:11

YANBU. WTAF? Shock

Greendayz · 08/06/2018 19:11

I think it sounds hilarious! She ate dairy Lee rather than your nice Turkish foodShock Grin. No you've not done anything out of order. She's just very odd and somewhat lacking social skills.

But if she's nice in other ways I don't see a reason to lose a friend over it.

Maybe she can reciprocate next time and can host a sandwich and dairy Lee dinner party Grin

Oblomov18 · 08/06/2018 19:11

I love moussaka. But it IS very rich. Hashtag, just sayin!

AmazingPostVoices · 08/06/2018 19:11

It’s very rude. Regardless of the reason.

If there are allergies or whatever she should have informed the host in advance and explained that she needed to bring her own food.

Just whipping it out at the table is indicative of seriously undeveloped social awareness.

Pastaagain78 · 08/06/2018 19:11

You haven’t made a mistake. She has something going on with her. If you like her, just roll with it. It is very odd but if she is worth the friendship then does it really matter if she brings a packed lunch?

If others are hosting she can be asked if she wants the hosts food or wants to bring her own so the host doesn’t waste food.

I wouldn’t exclude her if she is nice.

Fridakahlofan · 08/06/2018 19:11

Maybe she is pregnant. I had a cheese toastie for Christmas lunch as couldn't stomach anything else!

StruggsToFunc · 08/06/2018 19:11

Oblomov, you are projecting a tad. It is odd to bring a packed meal with you when you are invited to someone's house to dinner. Only on MN would anyone ever claim otherwise.

Toffee, moussaka is eaten throughout the Arab world although it's usually served cold or at room temperature as part of a mezze. It's quite common in Turkey.

RideSallyRide76 · 08/06/2018 19:11

Sounds like she has issues with food of some type. It's odd yes but not the end of the world. If you like her and want to stay friends just accept it as a bit of a quirk!

HellenaHandbasket · 08/06/2018 19:12

I'd assume she was a fussy eater and trying to gloss over it. She brought food to avoid an embarrassing situation whereby she eats nothing all evening.

Tbh I wouldn't worry about it. A nice, relaxed evening with friends should be able to absorb little oddities and continue. I wouldn't engage/indulge any disingenuous bitching about her if she is a nice person and continue the friendship group as normal.

Oblomov18 · 08/06/2018 19:12

RUDE?

Really? Ok. Maybe she should have text you beforehand admittedly. But how is this actually rude?

mmmgoats · 08/06/2018 19:12

@oblomov18 I'm not trying to ostracise her at all, nor make a drama out of it, which is why we raised it and let it drop on the night. If we wanted to ostracise her we would have made a big deal, and then planned to not invite her to anything when that's far from the case.

We are just debating whether to go ahead with the dinner party or not - if it is food issues or disorder, we really don't want to make her feel uncomfortable or on the spot. It was just odd and unexpected at the time - I find it hard to believe you wouldn't think the same if it happened to you without any kind of pre-conversation or explanation!

OP posts:
Imchlibob · 08/06/2018 19:14

If she's generally a nice person then let it go. Some people have food issues.

When I invite people over I include something in the message like "I am happy to adapt the menu for any allergies, intolerances special diets or even just picky preferences - just please let me know by (date 3 days before meal) what you can/can't eat." - I know there's a significant cohort of MNers who think it's downright rude not to eat what I'd put in front of you but for me, when I host I want to know that everyone is genuinely enjoying what I have put on the table, not just choking it down to be polite or picking out the bits they don't want.

Don't pressure her into hosting. Some people enjoy hosting and some don't.

frasier · 08/06/2018 19:16

Ask her! Ask her if she always does it or whether there is stuff she’ll eat made by others.

It’s not an issue unless it’s the elephant in the room. I mean, if she’d said “I have this phobia about eating food prepared by other people so would you mind if I brought my own?” I’m guessing you’d just say go ahead?

PorkFlute · 08/06/2018 19:17

Sorry but whatever the reason you can’t just pull out a Dairy Lea Lunchable at a dinner party without explanation!
It’s not like she was on the spot. She knew in advance what the food would be (and that she’d be bringing a kids packed lunch) so plenty of time to make up a decent reason if she didn’t want to share the real reason.

Cakeorchocolate · 08/06/2018 19:17

I would carry on with the dinner parties if you all enjoyed it (aside from Jane bringing her own). Try a few more and if she carries on bringing her own, maybe you can all drag the reason out of her in the future as the friendships progress. You can't suggest she host though, surely you wait to see if she suggests hosting herself when you all discuss who hosts next time?

Oblomov18 · 08/06/2018 19:17

Guess I must be odd. Because this wouldn't even register with me.
What people eat and not liking something would not bother me.

Odd I guess.

expatinscotland · 08/06/2018 19:17

Odd but I wouldn't take it personally.

I can't eat dairy so moussaka would be out for me but I'd have just messaged back, 'Sorry, I am lactose intolerant, happy to supply my own food.'

PlatypusPie · 08/06/2018 19:17

What bizarre and rude behaviour - even if she has some kind of sensory or food issues ( of a very particular kind if she prefers lunchables as an adult 🤢) she should have discreetly mentioned it to the host , not apparently sneered at what was being provided before tucking in to a packed lunch. People are generally very kind about real issues and if someone had said, ‘don’t worry, I’ll bring my own special items ‘ that is one thing but this just looks like an ill mannered fusspot who needs to grow up .

Oblomov18 · 08/06/2018 19:18

But. I myself eat what's put infront of me. Always. Grin

Branleuse · 08/06/2018 19:18

i think its odd, but i wouldnt mention it again. She might just be super fussy

Swipe left for the next trending thread