AIBU Friend brought own food to dinner party?

[mmmgoats]

I have a newish friend. Met through a local exercise class. There's a group of us and we meet up for the class every week then go for coffee and lunch afterwards. Had a bit of a bad year last year and been isolating myself a bit, the class is the one thing I've made a real effort to go to and DH has been encouraging me to try and develop these friendships as it's been a huge help to me.

Recently I had a kind of informal dinner party, more of a gathering, with some of the friends from the class. This friend, we'll call her Jane, was on holiday. It was a girls night and I cooked dinner with starters and dessert, nothing fancy, we had wine and it was a lot of fun.

I had some family drama recently about a holiday in-laws issue, and had been messaging some of these friends about it (also posted on mumsnet, some of you might remember). Anyway Jane had missed some of the messages and suggested another catch up was in order to hear about it in full, and because she had missed the first get together.

I obliged last night. Did a Turkish theme, had falafel as a starter, moussaka as a main and plenty of wine. Anyway I had already messaged on the group what I was planning as I know Turkish food isn't for everyone. No problem, everyone looking forward to it.

Friends arrived, wine poured, sat down for starters. Jane looks over the food and then laughed and said oh I'm glad I brought this just incase! And goes to her bag and pulls out a lunchbox with a panini type sandwich, a dairy lea lunchable and some crisps. Which she proceeds to eat while the rest of us have what I've served.

We awkwardly acknowledged it - I apologised and asked if she didn't like Turkish food or was allergic to something, and should I get her something else, but she said no she just didn't fancy Turkish tonight now.

I know it's stupid but I feel really embarrassed like I've made a bit of a faux pas somehow! It was all a bit awkward as we had our meals and she ate her little home packed meal, occasionally making comments like 'I'm cutting down anyway, so the moussaka would be too rich for me!' with a little laugh.

A few of the others have messaged me separately today to say how odd her behaviour was - we were going to make the get together a regular thing and take it turns from now on but now we're not sure? Should we do it and suggest Jane goes first at hosting? I'm wondering if she has eating issues, but don't want to harass her about it.

AIBU in just thinking it's a bit of an odd thing to do??

[TheOriginalEmu]

i would do this for my son. because he might fancy what was cooked when we got there, but might not, so i'd bring a back up. she is probably just a superfussy eater and didn't want to tell you/cause a scene. i'd just leave it drop. its not a big deal.

[OrchidInTheSun]

This sounds like something my youngest would do but he's 11 so it's slightly excusable. But he would have just turned down the dinner rather that get his dairylea out. Even at his age, he's aware his food issues are a bit odd

[dayswithaY]

I totally get her. I'm really funny about food - if I don't like the look of something, too oily, too garlicky. It can be something as minor as the smell of a dish, hygiene in their kitchen or a huge portion that I know I can't finish. I'm always having to make e excuses - not hungry, getting over an illness. I haven't resorted to bringing my own packed lunch just yet . I once went to a Chinese buffet with friends and ate nothing as the thought of multiple hands and germs and sneezing over the food gave me so much anxiety. It's very hard to explain if you are not this way. It absolutely is not you, it's her.

[Bluntness100]

Of course it's bloody unusual. No matter what weird shit someone does, someone will try to convince you it's normal. It's not normal to bring a packed lunch to someone's dinner party, not even remotely.

Id say she was either super fussy or won't eat other people's cooking. Either way it's disordered eating.

I'd go ahead with rhe dinner parties, expect she will always turn up with her packed lunch and just ignore it.

[Loopytiles]

These are new acquaintances/friends and you’re only just discovering their eccentricities!

[IwantedtobeEmmaPeel]

I’m sorry: a fucking Dairylea lunchable?!?! There’s your problem. Your friend has never been to a dinner party - because she’s seven-and-three-quarters.
Joking aside, I had a friend like this, she only liked very very plain food, but all her friends knew this and were fine with it & would either prepare something simple for the friend, eg. ham sandwich or plain omelette or she would just bring her own. We were all fine with it because our friend was a lovely person and we wanted her to feel comfortable and not stop coming out for meals. I think you and your friends should continue with your plans to take it in turns to host meals and let the friend decide whether she brings her own Dairylea lunchable. It may be that your Turkish food was just a bit adventurous for her, either way I wouldn't make a bit deal of it if you like her company.

[BrilliantDarling]

She might have never tasted Turkish food before and felt a bit embarrassed to say anything when everyone else was discussing their likes and dislikes in the group chat.
I'm sure if she had some sort of eating disorder etc then she would not have suggested having the 2nd dinner party as she was gutted to have missed the first one?

[HollowTalk]

So you've done two meals for this group, OP? Has anyone else done this? Sit back if not and let the others do the next few meals and see what your odd friend does there.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

@dayswithaY, that sounds very difficult and I really would strongly suggest that you try to get some professional help with that. It sounds as if it must have a very big effect on your life. All the others saying it's not a big deal, sorry, it is a big deal. It is really unusual behaviour. If left unexplained, it causes issues because your host is left wondering if they are a bad cook.

My son was a picky eater. There were no allergies or intolerances, he just seemed to find it impossible to eat certain things as a child because of either their texture or their taste. Hallelujah, as he got older it wore off and now he is in his 20s he eats most things. Life got much, much easier as a result, both for him and for the rest of the family.

OP, good luck with Jane. It would be much better if she would explain what the issue is. I love food. I am struggling to grasp how anybody could prefer a triangle of Dairylea to a portion of home-made moussaka. Baffling.

[Smurf123]

I have food intolerances and try to go to meals when they are in restaurants and often end up with the plainest things as then I know what is in it. When I go to friends houses they all know I am fussy about what I easy but I try to eat some of it and my friends know me well enough to either make something I can eat or just laugh when I say oh I'm not really very hungry. They now all make sure there is some form of bread with the meals as them I can always eat that.
If I get invited to dinner to someone I don't know so well again I just try to eat enough to pass myself. Although this sometimes back fires as I can end up feeling really uncomfortable for the night after if the food has contained something I can't have.
If i say I have intolerances or am fussy I often find people go out of their way to them go male me something different which is really lovely of them but I get very embarrassed about that as I have put someone out..
I try to be the one cooking the food for everyone instead 😀

[CallarMorvern]

If she's generally nice then just ignore it. I hate moussaka, don't eat meat now anyway, but I've never liked lamb, I also limit dairy. Though I'd bite your hand off for the falafels 😀
I actually dread this kind of get together, as I am fussy. I'd always say don't pander to me, I'll just fetch something to save you the hassle and I'd think I was being helpful, not weird🙄. It wouldn't be a Lunchable though! Mostly people I know either eat out, or if it's someone's house, then we all fetch a little something.

[FissionChips]

All the others saying it's not a big deal, sorry, it is a big deal. It is really unusual behaviour. If left unexplained, it causes issues because your host is left wondering if they are a bad cook

I don’t understand what the big deal is? Why would you think you’re a crap cook just because one person out of many likes to bring a packed lunch?

[ReanimatedSGB]

I think if someone has food issues, they either tell anyone who invites them round for a meal that they have food issues and would prefer to bring their own supplies, or they decline the invite. This woman, despite being asked as part of the group about her likes and dislikes, said nothing, brought her own food and criticized what the others were having.
That's childish, rude, attention-seeking behaviour by the sound of it.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

she might have been raised in a kosher household and not find it easy to eat what other people have prepared..
Just a thought.

[notacooldad]

I'd think it was a little odd, assume she had her own reasons for doing that and then carry on with the evening.

I seriously wouldn't sweat it. You Ike her company, she may have food issues but solved her own problem without giving you extra work or something else to worry about..

You know what to expect next time so it shouldn't be awkward.

[Buxbaum]

Dairylea lunchables are ham and cheese, right? So one of the least kosher foods possible...!

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

OK not very kosher..but I meant she might have been raised that way.

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Mousakka is Greek

[Sparklesocks]

I struggled with a food phobia for most of my adult life, could only eat certain things and specific foods made me wretch/gag. I was also extremely embarrassed about it and made up excuses for not eating things like feeling poorly, dieting, eaten earlier etc - I felt like my problem was really child like and felt ashamed, so didn’t want even my closest friends and family to know.

Restaurants were fine as I could normally find something I liked or ask for something to not have the sauce etc, but dinner parties or events like weddings were a nightmare because you can’t choose your food and can’t not eat it. I used to be extremely nervous, it was hell.

I only recently sought CBT for it and am doing a lot better now - I eat more foods and have revealed my issues to some friends etc who have been very sympathetic about it all.

Not saying ‘jane’ is in the same boat but a lot of this story rings true to me - although I wouldn’t have ever brought my own food!

[AprilShowers16]

Hang on, one of your party didn’t like halloumi? Surely that should have been the focus of this thread

[sausagerollsontheside]

This sounds like me when I was pregnant
I couldn't handle anything except sandwiches or plastic food in the beginning and I am normally a mega goody!

[sausagerollsontheside]

Foodie sorry

[rainbowfudgee]

I would love your menu OP.

[GreyHare]

I'm a weirdo with food issues and it's the kind of thing I would do, you sound lovely OP but food can be such a big thing, my mother is constantly trying to feed me things and then gets upset when I decline, but she has questionable food handling practises so I choose not to eat her food and will take my own, same if I go to friends, I only eat low fat due to gall bladder issues and I seriously don't trust anyone to feed me apart from my husband, so I would also rock up with something for myself if I would love to join in the evening and socialise with everyone, but I would also explain why I had a lunch box with me, so maybe give her a chance, she may be lovely but just an oddball eater.

[FreeMantle]

I never eat my friends food because her hygiene is appalling. Doesn't wash her hands after the loo, dirty nails, licky dogs etc etc. She's a lovely person and a laugh but ultimately a bit grotty. So we normally have take away as a treat.