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Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. WWYD?

(219 Posts)
AngeloMysterioso Thu 14-Dec-17 09:20:24

I have a bit of a dilemma that I need an outside opinion on.

This year will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas with my
Mum- she and my Dad divorced when I was very young, my DB moved out as a teenager and hasn’t spent Christmas with her since and now they’re NC, so it’s been just her and me for years now. Most years we either spend it with my Aunt and her family or have Christmas Day just the two of us and go to Aunts on Boxing Day. However, I got married this year, and all along it has been the plan that I would spend this Christmas with my husband and his family. He spent Christmas with me and my family last year, so this has been the plan for a very long time.

Here’s the dilemma.

My DM was in a pretty awful car accident a few weeks ago- there were no other vehicles involved, it was nobody else’s fault, she was just driving like a dumbass and is very, very lucky not to have been killed. Her car is a complete write off, by some miracle (mostly thanks to her seatbelt) she managed to escape any severe injuries but does have some deep tissue bruising. I haven’t been to visit her as she lives somewhere that really isn’t easy to get to unless you drive (I don’t) and I haven’t had enough money for trains and taxis which cost a fortune where she is. I have already had a few guilt tripping messages from my DM, for example-

DM- Are you coming to see me this weekend?
Me- I can’t, it’s my friend’s leaving do before she moves abroad
DM- People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check.

She knew perfectly well that I had no plans to go to hers, but by dropping in the “people were assuming” the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I’d have dropped everything and come running.

Anyway, because of this it is looking like she won’t make it to spend Christmas at my Aunt’s this year as planned.

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

There is the suggestion that she just comes to the in-laws with me, but that won’t work for a few reasons- my FIL’s mother is very, very ill so they’ll want to go and spend some time with her, and also my Mum is just not an easy person to be around- she has anxiety and depression but likes to think that otherwise she’s super fun, she talks about herself non stop, and my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) I’m used to her- a call it 30 years of conditioning- but my in-laws have only spent a few hours in her company, so I’d feel bad foisting her on them at Christmas!

I really don’t know what to do now. The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

All because my Mum drives like a dumbass.

So what do I take, option a- be a crap daughter or option b- be a crap daughter in law?


GreenPurpleRed Thu 14-Dec-17 09:24:41

I think your IL would understand if you were to spend Christmas with your dm in this circumstance but it depends if you want to.

And just because she's your dm doesnt mean you should feel obliged.

ZigZagandDustin Thu 14-Dec-17 09:28:05

Can you arrange to get to your mums for Boxing Day? Surely something could be arranged to get her to your aunts to sit and be waited on all day....

Charlottelouisa Thu 14-Dec-17 09:28:11

You haven’t seen your mum since she had an awful car accident??? Wow!!
Couldn’t get past that bit really.

But I definitely would not leave my mum to spend Xmas alone , your dh will have his parents to spend it with .

nobutreally Thu 14-Dec-17 09:31:09

Hummm, tricky. I assume you mum and your PIL live a long way away from each other so a combined trip (e.g. at your Mum for christmas eve/Christmas breakfast then onto your PIL) isn't possible?) Or drive her over to your aunts?!

What were your plans to see your mum over the holidays generally, or were you not planning to?

eenymeenymaccaracca Thu 14-Dec-17 09:31:57

I would totally go to your in-laws.

No doubt your mum will be a manipulative PITA about it, but she will be a manipulative PITA whatever you do.

You have committed to go to your in-laws, and that situation hasn't changed. If your mum's situation has changed, that certainly wasn't your doing.

You are not responsible for her. The child is not responsible for the parent's happiness. If anything, it's the other way round, and we certainly aren't seeing any of that.

Sorry if that sounds cold, but I have a similar mother and have learned what it's like. They will never be happy whatever we do, and we have to look after ourselves and the good people in our lives.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 14-Dec-17 09:32:26

Could you get your mum to your aunts?

Worriedrose Thu 14-Dec-17 09:32:41

What Charlotte said
I can't really get over not seeing your mother after a serious accident, and because you want to go to a party!!!!!

And yes it would be bloody shitty to leave her on her own if she can't physically manage to go to her sisters because she's beeen in a SERIOUS ACCIDENT!!

Unless there is a massive back story which we are going to get drip fed

mummmy2017 Thu 14-Dec-17 09:33:12

Make plans to visit your mum between Xmas and New Year, and let your family know what your doing.
Stop falling into the guilt trap.
So long as you go visit you can hold your head up and say you have been.

stitchglitched Thu 14-Dec-17 09:33:59

I wouldn't leave her alone on Christmas day in these circumstances. But then I also wouldn't have not visited her since her accident either.

jaffacake2 Thu 14-Dec-17 09:34:24

Sometimes circumstances change and dictate what our actions should be. Your mum has,always created Christmas for you since childhood,which maybe at times she might have preferred to spend money or time to herself. Now she is older and shaken up in pain from an accident. This is when she needs you.
I would be very upset if my family left me alone at Christmas.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 14-Dec-17 09:34:37

I also can't believe you haven't seen her after a serious accident "a few weeks ago". That's quite a long time!

Blackteadrinker77 Thu 14-Dec-17 09:34:45

Your Mum had a pretty bad car crash weeks ago and you haven't been to see her?

LemonShark Thu 14-Dec-17 09:34:58

I'd spend it with your mum, assuming she's a good parent in general, and there isn't a history of abuse or some reason it's difficult for you to be around her. Your in laws will understand. Did I miss a reason why your husband can't come to your mum's with you?

I couldn't bear the idea of my mum being alone on xmas day when the choice to see her doesn't leave your in laws alone or in a bad position if you see what I mean.

I hate to be 'that' person who tries to tug on heart strings, but as someone who's lost their mum, I'd have really deeply regretted leaving her alone at xmas if it turned out to be her last.

You seem to have a lot of disdain towards your mum for being in an accident, if she is truly an unsafe driver (is she very old?) maybe it's time to think about whether she's safe to drive anymore? If she's just done something silly I'd cut her a bit of slack. People have car accidents every single day. It's one of the risks of driving. Otherwise fine drivers do. I'd quit calling her a dumbass, can't imagine how horrible it'd be to be in a serious accident that hospitalised me and nearly killed me while relatives basically called me a dumbass for it.

Anyway, you're married now and I understand wanting to spend it with your husband so you should both go to your mother's. no decent person is going to complain that plans have changed because someone has been in an accident and will otherwise be alone.

I hope your mum is okay.

Southernc0mfortmirror Thu 14-Dec-17 09:39:04

Imagine yourself in your mum’s shoes in 30 odd years time - what would you want your adult child to do?

BackBoiler Thu 14-Dec-17 09:39:15

You say she has NPD, others may say you are a selfish person who is more concerned with what you are doing. Maybe you also have NPD.....who knows!

All I know is that there is absolutely NO WAY ON EARTH I would not have gone to see my mum after an accident. You say she has depression and anxiety....well I think your nearest and dearest not visiting you after a car accident will do wonders for that!!!!

Also driving like a dumbass......nice! You mean she made an error of judgement and hurt herself in the process.

HuskyMcClusky Thu 14-Dec-17 09:39:20

Okay, you planned to spend Christmas with your in-laws, as it’s their ‘turn’. I get that. But circumstances change, and sometimes you have to be flexible.

You haven’t seen your mum since she had a serious car accident. Yes, I think you’d be a shit daughter if you left her alone at Christmas.

kinkrules Thu 14-Dec-17 09:40:17

Do you think your in laws are a higher class than your mum are you ashamed of her? Why does it have to be two separate Christmas’ for you and hubby for her not to be alone? Maybe she’s a motormouth but just manage that like you’ve had 30years plus experience of anyway.

BlackSheepHasKids Thu 14-Dec-17 09:42:45

Difficult call OP.

Why should OP's DH go to her DM's LemonShark if it means missing his gran's last Christmas?

What were the circumstances of the car crash? Bad luck, misjudgement, alcohol etc?
Could your mum come to yours for a few days, then to IL's for the day?
Could your present to your mum be her taxi fare to your aunts? Does your aunt mean not well enough to get there by herself or genuinely not well enough to leave the house?

eenymeenymaccaracca Thu 14-Dec-17 09:44:16

Also, how come your mum isn't well enough to go to your aunt's, but is well enough to go to your PIL?

And why can't your aunt go to your mum's, instead of vice versa?

I think there are more options for your mum than she wants to acknowledge. This seems like a power thing, and a potentially dangerous precedent to set.

Personally I would much rather spend Christmas alone than try to force someone to visit me against their will. Christmas is just a day and my own company is not at all bad.

OliviaBenson Thu 14-Dec-17 09:44:56

I would have kept my Christmas plans. But I would also have visited her after the car crash. Not to do either is awful.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 14-Dec-17 09:45:16

"Dumbass"? that's cold. I see what you say about all the bother and expense of going to visit her but in your shoes I would have gone to see her well before Christmas so you could then say now, no sorry Mum sticking to our plans for Christmas.

HotelEuphoria Thu 14-Dec-17 09:47:04

I don't think not seeing her on Christmas Day is an issue, I think not seeing her when she's had a car accident, even if she was at fault, is a problem to be honest.

Christmas Day is one day, you haven't seen her in weeks.

expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-17 09:47:18

I'd go to your ILs. Not everyone has a nice mum.

eenymeenymaccaracca Thu 14-Dec-17 09:47:44

I think there are a lot of people on here who have decent, generally nice mums. That's lovely, but not a great qualification for advising on this situation.

OP, I would visit the Stately Homes threads, if you haven't already.

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