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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. WWYD?

221 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 14/12/2017 09:20

I have a bit of a dilemma that I need an outside opinion on.

This year will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas with my
Mum- she and my Dad divorced when I was very young, my DB moved out as a teenager and hasn’t spent Christmas with her since and now they’re NC, so it’s been just her and me for years now. Most years we either spend it with my Aunt and her family or have Christmas Day just the two of us and go to Aunts on Boxing Day. However, I got married this year, and all along it has been the plan that I would spend this Christmas with my husband and his family. He spent Christmas with me and my family last year, so this has been the plan for a very long time.

Here’s the dilemma.

My DM was in a pretty awful car accident a few weeks ago- there were no other vehicles involved, it was nobody else’s fault, she was just driving like a dumbass and is very, very lucky not to have been killed. Her car is a complete write off, by some miracle (mostly thanks to her seatbelt) she managed to escape any severe injuries but does have some deep tissue bruising. I haven’t been to visit her as she lives somewhere that really isn’t easy to get to unless you drive (I don’t) and I haven’t had enough money for trains and taxis which cost a fortune where she is. I have already had a few guilt tripping messages from my DM, for example-

DM- Are you coming to see me this weekend?
Me- I can’t, it’s my friend’s leaving do before she moves abroad
DM- People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check.

She knew perfectly well that I had no plans to go to hers, but by dropping in the “people were assuming” the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I’d have dropped everything and come running.

Anyway, because of this it is looking like she won’t make it to spend Christmas at my Aunt’s this year as planned.

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

There is the suggestion that she just comes to the in-laws with me, but that won’t work for a few reasons- my FIL’s mother is very, very ill so they’ll want to go and spend some time with her, and also my Mum is just not an easy person to be around- she has anxiety and depression but likes to think that otherwise she’s super fun, she talks about herself non stop, and my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) I’m used to her- a call it 30 years of conditioning- but my in-laws have only spent a few hours in her company, so I’d feel bad foisting her on them at Christmas!

I really don’t know what to do now. The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

All because my Mum drives like a dumbass.

So what do I take, option a- be a crap daughter or option b- be a crap daughter in law?

Anyone?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 14/12/2017 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RolyRocks · 14/12/2017 13:51

London to Essex? Seriously? It really isn't far at all then.

Depends where in London and where in Essex, doesn't it? Logistics isn't the same as distance as the crow flies. Anyway, the OP clearly states it is the financial issues and has stated it is a minimum £80 or so. A lot for someone who has not been in their job to get a full wage packet yet Hmm

OP, go to your in laws. Skype your mum and don't feel guilty.

Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 14/12/2017 13:55

My DM hasn’t really done anything to me to deserve my going NC with her, and she’d be crushed. I have no desire to go NC. She’s not an evil woman, she’s just self centred to the extreme and it wasn’t til I met DH and witnessed a “normal” family dynamic that I realised it. But I know her and understand her so much more than other people.

Her car really is a wreck, it flipped over and she had to be cut out of it. Quite a feat of achievement really. Fortunately she’s not being prosecuted- probably because nobody else was harmed- and she got a decent insurance payout.

My PILs will be using their car on Christmas Day to visit FILs DM who is being moved to a hospice this week.

OP posts:
SipTheCocaCola · 14/12/2017 13:57

I think you should go the in laws

Meeep · 14/12/2017 14:01

I think you should go to see your mum, sorry!

caffelatte100 · 14/12/2017 14:04

See your mum! Can't see the dilemma here. Imagine if she'd died, you'd be wishing you could have this Christmas with her. Your ILs will understand.

BabyOrSanta · 14/12/2017 14:11

People really are killing off mums on here today...

Motoko · 14/12/2017 14:19

ODFOD with the "what if she died?" guilt trip.

OP, stick to your plans.

RolyRocks · 14/12/2017 14:25

Imagine if she'd died, you'd be wishing you could have this Christmas with her. Your ILs will understand.

A very manipulative turn of phrase for a situation such as this. Uncalled for.

And I say that as someone who's mother has passed away.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2017 14:30

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

I think you might be reading your aunt's judgement into this text. I see no implication of you as a bad daughter here, just a statement of fact - which you had already assumed. If she'd said "and she's so upset you won't be there too", that would be different. But I see no implication that you're a bad daughter here.

I think you should stick to Christmas with your ILs, and visit before or after, as a matter of urgency as soon as you are paid. It is odd you've not been before, but I see how/why it has happened.

Being alone on Christmas Day is not going to be the worst thing in the world.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/12/2017 14:36

You DO NOT have to go to your mum’s. I would reply to the aunt saying ‘that’s a real shame. We are committed to going to IL’s this year. I wonder if she would feel able if I arranged a taxi for her’ or some other suggestion. She only need go up/down the stairs twice a day after all.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 14/12/2017 14:42

The "what if she died" excuse could be used for anyone every single year. Unless the person already has a serious illness then there's really no particular reason to think this is likely.

OP - go ahead with your original plan. If you give in this year then I'm sure she will find another reason why you simply must visit next Christmas too. Obviously try and visit her soon, but if your aunt is that worried then she can give up Christmas with her husband and spend it with your mum instead! It sounds like it wouldn't be good for your mental health, to be honest, and all the travelling will be quite stressful.

Goodasgoldilox · 14/12/2017 14:42

It sounds as if you feel that you should see her (and that you feel guilty about not doing so). I would feel this too.

So I'd say that you should go and visit -as soon as you can afford to - or get a loan from her for the ticket. (She could offer to pay! I've always been happy to pay the fares home for my own children and my own parents were happy to pay my fares in the same way. It isn't an unusual thing.)

I think that you should go to your ILs as planned for Christmas itself. You would be happier and they are going through a tough time themselves.

iboughtsnowboots · 14/12/2017 14:43

I would arrange a time to see dm that isn't xmas but around it.
Your mother drove like a plum some weeks ago and is now bruised and sore. I wouldn't rush to my dm's side, not least because I would be too cross at the dangerous driving but given you don't want to go no contact I would plan to see her.
I wouldn't plan to give myself a miserable xmas though. To manage your guilt I would book a visit in with dm, she is bruised not hospitalized, I would stick to my original plans.

Katyazamo · 14/12/2017 15:04

I would arrange to visit around Christmas for the day with your dh depending on your shifts. Then you can say to your mum I'll be there to see you on such a date, and to your aunt thank you I'll be calling up on such a date so will collect them then. That way she's aware you won't be there Xmas day and can make her own arrangements then.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 14/12/2017 16:01

Op if she got an insurance payout there's LOADS of time for her to get a new car before xmas so she can drive herself to her sister's...

scottishdiem · 14/12/2017 16:08

I know they’d been looking forward to having both my DH and me there.

I think this is important as well.

I think you should stick to your plans.

Its no like being on your own on Xmas day, due to crashing your own car, is a hard thing to do.

Dancer123456 · 14/12/2017 16:11

Can you borrow your in laws car on Boxing Day and drive there and back in one day, with your DH?

Or the weekend before?

If the hospice isn’t too far from your in laws, they may take a taxi there instead?

Lethaldrizzle · 14/12/2017 16:13

Go to the in-laws with your mum. Difficult personality or not, christmas is the one time that people have to overlook their differences. Your in-laws should be inviting her after what she has gone through.

BlackSheepHasKids · 14/12/2017 16:22

Even though they’re looking after a dying parent Lethaldrizzle?

deadringer · 14/12/2017 16:25

Well I think you should do whatever you want to do but I don't think there is anything wrong with people, including your dm, assuming that you will visit her over the Christmas holidays. Her accident sounds horrific even if it was her own fault, tbh nothing on earth would keep me from my mother in those circumstances, but different strokes for different folks.

happypoobum · 14/12/2017 16:30

Totally agree with everything Hissy said.

ptumbi · 14/12/2017 16:33

From what you’ve said your mum doesn’t sound any more manipulative than most old people tbh. bollox. Bollox bollox bollox. 'Old People' are not manipulative. Manipulative people are.

And from 'what op has said' she sounds very manipulative to me (as someone on the end of it)

Your in-laws should be inviting her after what she has gone through. what the fuck? So someone who has possibly only met Ops mum once, should be inviting her, 'after what she's been through'? WFT has it got to do with PIL? NO-ONE would be telling me I have to invite someone because they've had an accident. You cannot invite people to someone else's christmas. Hmm

Fuck that.

And as Hissy said - if you don't have a manipulative person in your family, you have no idea.

FrancisCrawford · 14/12/2017 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ptumbi · 14/12/2017 16:38

deadringer tbh nothing on earth would keep me from my mother in those circumstances, - you probably have a lovely mum. One who would never be cut off by her own son (for reasons known to them both) and who would never try to manipulate/guilt you into visiting her even though you actually want christmas with your new DH and his family.

Lucky you. SOme of us are not so lucky.