Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. WWYD?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I have a bit of a dilemma that I need an outside opinion on.

This year will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas with my
Mum- she and my Dad divorced when I was very young, my DB moved out as a teenager and hasn’t spent Christmas with her since and now they’re NC, so it’s been just her and me for years now. Most years we either spend it with my Aunt and her family or have Christmas Day just the two of us and go to Aunts on Boxing Day. However, I got married this year, and all along it has been the plan that I would spend this Christmas with my husband and his family. He spent Christmas with me and my family last year, so this has been the plan for a very long time.

Here’s the dilemma.

My DM was in a pretty awful car accident a few weeks ago- there were no other vehicles involved, it was nobody else’s fault, she was just driving like a dumbass and is very, very lucky not to have been killed. Her car is a complete write off, by some miracle (mostly thanks to her seatbelt) she managed to escape any severe injuries but does have some deep tissue bruising. I haven’t been to visit her as she lives somewhere that really isn’t easy to get to unless you drive (I don’t) and I haven’t had enough money for trains and taxis which cost a fortune where she is. I have already had a few guilt tripping messages from my DM, for example-

DM- Are you coming to see me this weekend?
Me- I can’t, it’s my friend’s leaving do before she moves abroad
DM- People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check.

She knew perfectly well that I had no plans to go to hers, but by dropping in the “people were assuming” the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I’d have dropped everything and come running.

Anyway, because of this it is looking like she won’t make it to spend Christmas at my Aunt’s this year as planned.

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

There is the suggestion that she just comes to the in-laws with me, but that won’t work for a few reasons- my FIL’s mother is very, very ill so they’ll want to go and spend some time with her, and also my Mum is just not an easy person to be around- she has anxiety and depression but likes to think that otherwise she’s super fun, she talks about herself non stop, and my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) I’m used to her- a call it 30 years of conditioning- but my in-laws have only spent a few hours in her company, so I’d feel bad foisting her on them at Christmas!

I really don’t know what to do now. The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

All because my Mum drives like a dumbass.

So what do I take, option a- be a crap daughter or option b- be a crap daughter in law?

Anyone?

"...my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) "

I think it's very unprofessional, not to say unethical, of your therapist to diagnose your Mum based on nothing but your own description of her.

Saying that, I have a similarly difficult relationship with my dad, and though I usually feel obliged to see him for a least some of the time over Christmas, I would struggle to spend the whole day with him.

I agree findogask, if you see my earlier post though I suggested how the discussion might have happened to give OP the impression that the therapist believes her mum has a PD when she might have said nothing of the sort.

The more I read posts from people with controlling mothers I'm inclined to say have a lovely Christmas with your ILs and new DH!

Sorry all, been on the tube/at work so only just seeing the responses. I’ll clarify a few points-

I can’t drive, DH can but we have no car. We live in London, my Mum lives in Essex (not like Epping or Romford, way out Essex), in a village outside a town. To get there would be two trains at about £50 minimum, plus a taxi both ways from the station, another £30 or so. I was only paid for a week last month as it was a new job, I simply don’t have that kind of money.

My ILs live a mile and a half away. My Aunt lives in Buckinghamshire. I’m sure she’d be happy to go and pick my Mum up/take her home but she has a huge old house with lots of stairs so maybe that’s why she thinks Mum won’t manage. My Aunt also has her husband and my two cousins to think of, so she won’t be leaving them to spend Christmas with my Mum in her flat.

My Mum’s driving accident wasn’t exactly an error of judgement, like pulling out when you think you have enough time. She missed the junction off an A road and instead of just carrying on to the next one she drove across the grass verge, then looked over her shoulder and crashed into two bollards. That’s dumbass in my book. I do however doubt that she did it on purpose. She’s a bit nuts, but she’s not completely crazy.

As I’m new at my job I’m the one who has to be in over Christmas on non-BH days. There are no trains to or from the town near where she lives on Boxing Day so I’d need to get from there to work the day after. Not easy, but do-able. It’s more than I’m reluctant to not spend my first married Christmas with DH and dread spending it alone with her – last year there were 7 of us on Christmas day and another 5 on Boxing Day and I still had an emotional meltdown when DH and I got home from the stress of being around her. I was actually quite looking forward to taking a break this year.

My therapist didn’t ‘diagnose’ my Mum as such, but when I read her a text message exchange from earlier this year (where she berated me for ‘letting her’ forget my niece’s bday thus making her feel like shit) she suggested it was a possibility and recommended a few books I could read. Certainly rang a lot of bells!

Jeez go see your mom, you sound annoyed with her that she dared have an accident :/

I think there are a lot of people on here who have decent, generally nice mums. That's lovely, but not a great qualification for advising on this situation.
So much this. People can't believe OP hasn't rushed to her mother's bedside, but they're thinking of a lovely mum not a NPD nightmare.

Don't go for obligation OP, only go if it feels right. You're entitled to a life of your own.

Another thing you've just touched on...
If you can't cope when she's "diluted" by 5-7 others, why are you going to try doing this 1-1?! And then try and be "sane" enough to go to work the next day... that would take a while to get over, surely?

You are feeling shit because you feel guilty: whether or not this is justified or conditioned doesn't actually matter. What can you do to feel less shitty? Go and see her. Go on Friday night, come back on Sunday this weekend or on Friday night come back Saturday afternoon next weekend.
Take your DH. Exchange gifts with her. Know you've done your bit. Go to ILs with clear conscience. Do this for you, not for her, as you are obviously working through in your own head how you feel about her. In the meantime don't force things, just do what you need to so you can feel better.

She's trying to guilt you into changing your plans to suit her.

If she hadn't had that the accident, would she have tried something else to guilt you into seeing her for Christmas? Given her twatty driving and that she could have killed someone doing that, I'm not sure I'd be full of sympathy either.

Stick to your plans. It sounds like she frequently tries to guilt you into doing what she wants, hence the tnerapy. Please yourself for once.

If you can stretch your finances I would go and see her this weekend, it seems unfair to not see her at all.

So many people are so nasty on here.

OP, I understand your dilemma and say go to your in laws as planned. Perhaps your aunt could offer to collect her so she has that option but only if your aunt wants to do that. She’s had weeks to recover from the bruising so I doubt she’s as disabled as all that.

Your mother won’t be happy whatever you do but spending Christmas away from your new dh(congratulations!) is too much.

Please ignore some of the horrid posts here. Views are ok but nasty insults are not.

So we have a woman here who clearly has had some issues with her dcs. One is NC, the other clearly mentioning her to her counsellor. So things aren’t plain sailing at the very least.
It’s also a woman who has MH, is PA as well as very much used to have her dd at her side for Christmas. As it has been for years and years.
Finally it happens she has had a car accident. Severe enough to write the car down but NOT leading to any big injuries bar deep bruises (which are painful etc etc but not life threatening)

On the other side, we have a dutiful daughter who has always been there for her mum, always gone to see her at Christmas etc...
she has little money and not enough to do the train journey to go and see her mum regardless of Christmas or not (guilt). She knows her mum is likely to spend Christmas Day at home (more guilt) BUT has also got married and arranged a year ago to go and spend Christmas with her PIL. FIRST Christmas with them.

So who is the priority? Well actually I would say her DH and her new family with him.

OP I would have a word with your DH about it because actually whatever you decide will have some impact on him (and your ILs) too. Please do come to a solution that will be working for BOTH of you. Esp as it is the first Christmas you will spend together etc....

Then I would have a look at finances. If you can’t afford to go on your own, how will you manage for both of you to go to your mums?

And how accommodating are your PIL and your DH? And how important is Christmas to them? Will they take that as a very big personal attack on them or will they be flexible to say ‘ok let’s spend. Christmas day with your mum as she is poorly but please come and see us for Boxing Day/New Years day/following weekend?

What I would NOT be doing is spending Christmas at your mum and him and his parents. You are a family. That was the point of being married!! Going around lone would basically,lay be saying that he isn’t as important as your mum. Not the best start for a marriage tbh.

And I would NOT go and see her if that means you will never be able to get out of that again afterwards (you will know better than anyone else)

Well, you have a few options:

• Arrange to see her the weekend after Christmas at a mid-way point by train for a meal out.
• Arrange for her to come up to London for a spot of Christmas shopping/drinks next week
• Talk to your Aunt and see if they can pick her up from the train station
• Arrange a Skype call on the day - do it early, get it out of the way so you can enjoy the rest Christmas with your inlaws.

Remember, DH is your family now too and it's natural to start prioritising him over her. It's going to get even more acute if you decide to have kids!

At the end of the day, her actions caused the crash, her actions caused your brother to go non-contact. To be honest, you still sound deeply enmeshed with her: she is an adult (presumably with an income) who can find ways of getting out and out about if she really wanted to.

Oh how lovely it must be to live in a world where you can't imagine people playing games to score points, to hurt your kids to a point where one is NC, the other can't survive a visit even when flanked by half a dozen or so others.

those of you who have great (or even just passable) DMs, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go and give them an almighty squeeze from those of us who don't? May you never ever know what it is to be us.

From what you’ve said your mum doesn’t sound any more manipulative than most old people tbh. I can’t get past the fact your mum had an awful car crash,which by your own admission could have killed her but you seem more interested in pointing the finger at how your mother who has spent years looking after you by trying to ask for help when you thought a party was more important. I feel very sorry for your mum tbh, she was probably very shaken by her accident and needed help which her message friend out for. Hope you enjoyed your party. If you really can’t be arsed to visit, pay for a taxi to get her to your aunts. Your mum sounds so lonely.

What Hermione said.

Plus write your plans down so you can see it in black and white. When are you working? When is it feasible for you to get to see her? Then formulate a response that you can send to both her and you aunt and whoever else in the family stating you're working x days, you're visiting DH's family on these days so he can spend some time with his dying grandmother, and will be celebrating Christmas with your mum on X date.

Has your mum been milking it too much now (to try to get you to cancel your plans) that your aunt now thinks she won't cope with the stairs at her house?

Is your mum likely to be banned from driving?

I just wrote a reply and then deleted it, because I realised it's not relevant. Because of what hissy says.

OP we don't know the situation. You do. Be kind to yourself.

I get paid on the 21st so finances around spending Christmas with her aren’t really a problem. Originally (pre-crash) my DH and I had planned to arrange for her to come to London, a day or two before Christmas, exchange presents etc and take her out for a lovely dinner. Obviously that won’t happen now.

My ILs are really kind and understanding, I know they won’t think worse of me for not spending Christmas with them, but I know they’d been looking forward to having both my DH and me there.

Obviously I’ve spent Christmas alone with my Mum before - many, many, many times- but the last time we did I missed DH so much I was miserable most of the time.

I don’t think transport to/from my Aunts is as much of an issue as all the stairs- she’s still very sore and has a dodgy hip anyway so I think that’s what is keeping her away. If I go to hers I’m there til at least the 27th.

Let's highlight a few points for the hard of thinking:

I can’t drive, DH can but we have no car.
We live in London, my Mum lives in Essex (not like Epping or Romford, way out Essex), in a village outside a town.

To get there would be two trains at about £50 minimum, plus a taxi both ways from the station, another £30 or so.

I was only paid for a week last month as it was a new job, I simply don’t have that kind of money.

Note - DM not offering to stump up £££ to help her DD visit...

My Aunt lives in Buckinghamshire. I’m sure she’d be happy to go and pick my Mum up/take her home but she has a huge old house with lots of stairs so maybe that’s why she thinks Mum won’t manage I'll come back to this.. re accident

My Aunt also has her husband and my two cousins to think of, so she won’t be leaving them to spend Christmas with my Mum in her flat ....BUT she's her SISTER... why does OP DH/ILs count less?

My Mum’s driving accident wasn’t exactly an error of judgement, like pulling out when you think you have enough time. She missed the junction off an A road and instead of just carrying on to the next one she drove across the grass verge, then looked over her shoulder and crashed into two bollards. That’s dumbass in my book. I do however doubt that she did it on purpose. She’s a bit nuts, but she’s not completely crazy.

So the accident - unless the OP DM drives a Ferrari - happened at MAX 20/30mph, probably less given that she was turning on a grass verge, and then accelerated into bollards. Yes, this will cause bruising, even whiplash perhaps, but nothing that will cause extreme pain for weeks and weeks on end or render a person housebound. By the sounds of it, the accident could have killed her by not seeing traffic and being hit by someone else driving on that carriageway.

It’s more than I’m reluctant to not spend my first married Christmas with DH and dread spending it alone with her

last year there were 7 of us on Christmas day and another 5 on Boxing Day and I still had an emotional meltdown when DH and I got home from the stress of being around her.

I was actually quite looking forward to taking a break this year.

If you can't deal with being with her, well perhaps you need to go NC too.
If this were a post about a DH and MIL we would all be protesting that DH needs to put you first, and distance himself with firm boundaries from MIL or go NC. And how many times have we read how difficult that is and how many marriages break up as a result?
Don't let this happen to you, OP.
PLEASE protect your new family, especially your DHs wife. (You!)
NC!
Let DMum reap what she has sown.

Op, if you could barely survive last Christmas with it being diluted with other relatives there, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't go there on your own.

A suggestion if you think it would help reduce your feelings of guilt - hire a car and visit your Mother on the weekend before Christmas with your DH driving, do a 'mini' Christmas on Christmas eve (go out somewhere that might help dilute it). It would actually cost less than train and bus/taxi fares, and then you won't be at the mercy of Christmas public transport timetables.

Then head back home to spend Christmas with your ILs. You could even drive your mum to meet your aunt halfway on Christmas eve, to make sure she gets there.

, because I'm guessing you had a very difficult time growing up.

I agree with other PPs, you should probably do what your DB has done and go NC with your DM for your sake. You shouldn't feel guilty, either, your DM's behaviour towards you over the years is why you're not behaving the way a lot of PPs think you should behave towards her.

And I also agree with one PP that you should move this thread over to the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, where you'll get non judgmental support from posters who understand the damage caused by toxic parents.

London to Essex? Seriously? It really isn't far at all then. Clacton is probably about the furthest away from London and even that only costs £26. Is your husband able to contribute to the fare?

I don't think you need to rearrange your Christmas Day plans but you do need to set another date to go and visit over the next week or two.

You need to not go.

NEED to - for your own mental health.

Stick to your plans.