Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. WWYD?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I have a bit of a dilemma that I need an outside opinion on.

This year will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas with my
Mum- she and my Dad divorced when I was very young, my DB moved out as a teenager and hasn’t spent Christmas with her since and now they’re NC, so it’s been just her and me for years now. Most years we either spend it with my Aunt and her family or have Christmas Day just the two of us and go to Aunts on Boxing Day. However, I got married this year, and all along it has been the plan that I would spend this Christmas with my husband and his family. He spent Christmas with me and my family last year, so this has been the plan for a very long time.

Here’s the dilemma.

My DM was in a pretty awful car accident a few weeks ago- there were no other vehicles involved, it was nobody else’s fault, she was just driving like a dumbass and is very, very lucky not to have been killed. Her car is a complete write off, by some miracle (mostly thanks to her seatbelt) she managed to escape any severe injuries but does have some deep tissue bruising. I haven’t been to visit her as she lives somewhere that really isn’t easy to get to unless you drive (I don’t) and I haven’t had enough money for trains and taxis which cost a fortune where she is. I have already had a few guilt tripping messages from my DM, for example-

DM- Are you coming to see me this weekend?
Me- I can’t, it’s my friend’s leaving do before she moves abroad
DM- People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check.

She knew perfectly well that I had no plans to go to hers, but by dropping in the “people were assuming” the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I’d have dropped everything and come running.

Anyway, because of this it is looking like she won’t make it to spend Christmas at my Aunt’s this year as planned.

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

There is the suggestion that she just comes to the in-laws with me, but that won’t work for a few reasons- my FIL’s mother is very, very ill so they’ll want to go and spend some time with her, and also my Mum is just not an easy person to be around- she has anxiety and depression but likes to think that otherwise she’s super fun, she talks about herself non stop, and my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) I’m used to her- a call it 30 years of conditioning- but my in-laws have only spent a few hours in her company, so I’d feel bad foisting her on them at Christmas!

I really don’t know what to do now. The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

All because my Mum drives like a dumbass.

So what do I take, option a- be a crap daughter or option b- be a crap daughter in law?

Anyone?

Lemon except when you add that to the fact that OP is in therapy, and her therapist believes her mother has NPD, then the PA text messages it just all adds up imo.

People think my mother is the height of lovelyness and I'm just an utter bitch for going NC(well very limited contact) the reality is that her answer to my reduction in contact was a 6 page letter about how she's always been the victim and I was meant to 'save' her when I was born blah blah blah.

A lot of what OP says sounds very similar to the shit my mum used to pull.

Nasty, suspicious mind here.
Reading between the lines, and paraphrasing -
DMum has NPD bad enough that OP has needed counselling and her brother has gone NC. (People do this for a reason)
OP has recently married, and DMum knew she would be alone this year at Christmas. Then manages to have a car accident where she sustains bruising. (No broken bones etc, so not life threatening, no other vehicles involved.)
She's a difficult character and OP feels reluctance to foist her on ILs.
DMum seems to demand attention from OP and is engaging flying monkeys to bring her around.
It all sounds a bit....convenient....to me.
WWID? Go to ILS and start to cut the umbilical cord a bit. She needs to find her own friends and not be dependent on OP. She seems (I could be wrong, of course, and frequently am) to be rather manipulative and controlling, and throwing toys out of the pram springs to mind.
That's just the impression I got from the OP, like I say, I could be totally wrong.
She might not be the nicest of DMums - if she were lovely and had been really badly hurt, I bet OP would have got there to visit before now.
Stately homes, OP, stately homes.

You sound awful.

"She likes to think she's fun"

So cutting..

You probably already know in your heart that you should have been to see your Mum before now...is she really less important than your friend's leaving do?
In today's world, I believe that driving is a life skill and I would urge you to learn as soon as possible (it gets harder as you get older!). Your Mum wont get any younger and if you can drive at least you will be able to pop and see her more easily. Even if you live in London, where you don't need a car day to day, it is a skill that, unless there is a medical reason why not, you should acquire.
I think that you should go and see your Mum in the next few days then be with your husband's family on Christmas Day (it's only 1 day) then get yourself back over to your Mums on Boxing Day. If his grandmother is ill, they probably will welcome some quiet time and wont mind if you don't hang around for longer.

OP's mum may not be great but she's good enough to be in her life. If someone's in your life and is in a serious accident, you go visit, even if you are low contact generally.
I don't know about that Barbarian. It would depend on funds and to be honest, if the accident had been caused by speeding or drinking i.e. the driver's own fault rather than a genuine accident, I would be much less likely to feel obliged to visit.

Dispense with what you think you should do (for either option)

What do you want to do?

Can you get over the guilt enough to enjoy Christmas with your inlaws?

FWIW I would have thought your inlaws would but disappointed but understand given that she will be alone and unwell. (and if they make it a source of friction they are just as bad as your mum). They have each other and you're not little children.

Can you not got get to see both sets of parents over the hols?

If you are willing to ignore your mother after a serious car accident then why does ignoring her at Christmas present a problem for you?

By the way, your Aunt’s message wasn’t insinuating anything. That’s your own guilt showing through, because you know you’re being a crap daughter.

I wouldn't leave her alone on Christmas day in these circumstances. But then I also wouldn't have not visited her since her accident either.
Wow. This.

I kind of think the OP is getting a bit of hard time from some posters. She said quite clearly that she doesn't drive and cannot afford the expensive train/taxi options to get to see her mum. And the severity of the car accident seems to relate more to the car being written off rather than her mum's injuries as such (deep soft tissue damage rather than broken bones etc).

That's not to say her mum isn't hurt and shaken up, but if the OP can't afford expensive travel, she can't afford it.

The OP's caught between a rock and a hard place. I think, OP, in your shoes I would stick with my original plans but make a definite date between Christmas and New Year to visit DM - and let her know asap so she knows what's what.

There are 12 days of Christmas, and Christmas isn't just The One Day and I think we can all get too caught up with who/where/how we are spending the actual Day rather than spreading ourselves out a bit more.

Lemon except when you add that to the fact that OP is in therapy, and her therapist believes her mother has NPD, then the PA text messages it just all adds up imo.

Eh, I know what you're saying. It's a theory but I still don't think there's enough info here to be able to say that with ant certainty. Lots of people are in therapy (me included). If I were to say to my therapist 'my dad does this this and this which I've read are symptoms of being a narcissist' and the therapist goes 'yes, those are symptoms of being a narcissist' I might feel my therapist thinks my dad is a narcissist whereas any decent therapist would never actually claim to be able to or attempt to diagnose someone through a third party they've never met. I can also see why an older woman who lives alone and hasn't been visited by her kids after a serious car accident might resort to PA text messages or behave less then completely emotionally stable and kind.

I suspect all of this is irrelevant anyway, if the OP doesn't want to go she shouldn't go. I wonder where she is? There's a lot of discussion going on here she would be able to shed some light on but I haven't seen her since the first page I don't think.

I think when you are a long way away and the cost of visiting is prohibitive and nothing is life threatening I don't have an issue with her not yet visiting. Esp as you don't drive etc.

If she is going to Aunty can Aunty not go and collect her, her main issue seems to be she has no car rather than she can't actually go

I would carry on with our plans and make sure kept in touch with Mum but not get too involved.

Much depends on whether your mum has been a good parent or a “toxic”/stately homes type. If the former I reckon arrange to see her v soon after xmas. If the latter go to your ILs as planned.

Learning to drive would be a good idea if you intend to visit your DM over the years and other transport options are very costly.

The reason for the accident isn’t really relevant unless DM has a long history of reckless behaviour.

If I'm honest, I think everyone would have been a lot more forgiving if you had visited your mum after the accident. I understand you had prior plans, but leaving drinks aren't essential, and you could have met up with your friend another time before she moved. That excuse was a bit crap. I think if you had visited her after her accident, you would be in a much better position to follow through on your existing Xmas plans.

But whats done is done.

Under the circumstances, yes, I would spend Christmas with your mother and have your DH go to his parents. At the bare minimum, I would see if DH would drive you both to your mums on boxing day and spend a few days there.

I know it is hard to have complicated feelings towards your mum, especially if there has been emotional blackmail/ abuse. It sounds like you are angry that your mum has cried wolf a few times and you came running. But being in an accident where the car is written off is a big deal. I think you are feeling guilty because you know you should have handled the situation differently.

I agree that people who have had generally loving and supportive mothers would have no clue what it’s like to have a manipulative, narcissistic mother. I also agree it’s a massive red flag that her DB was NC in their teens in the context of OP’s having therapy in part related to her mother’s suspected NPD.

Guilt is often what is used to bring someone back into the fold, which is why I can understand why OP hasn’t visited her mother since the accident. I bet you have a feeling of being trapped at the moment, OP. I also wondered whether the accident was really that accidental.

I would definitely go to your in laws. If you feel some obligation to your mother, offer to pay for her to get a cab to your aunts’. Then maybe arrange a special day at another time. But really a grown adult can manage Christmas Day on their own. I have done so when ill with flu, it wasn’t the end of the world.

Learning to drive would be a good idea if you intend to visit your DM over the years and other transport options are very costly.

Honestly? If OP can't pay for a taxi how is she going to pay for driving lessons and finance a car?

You go to your DM and your husband goes to his parents. Sorted

The Stately Homes thread would probably have been a better place to ask about this, OP.

If this was my mother, I'd want to verify that there was an actual accident and this wasn't another controlling/attention seeking stunt. Until recently I would have gone out of FOG, but now I hope I wouldn't. I've been in hospital and critically ill half a dozen times in the last 15 or so years and not once has my mother (or to be fair my father) bothered to visit me. When my daughter died, my mother took nearly a full day to come and see me (because she had a business to run and that was more important) despite having to go past my road tog et to work. So in terms of needing to repay her past care and concern of me, I think that saying "Oh dear, that's a shame" would probably do it.

I suppose what it would come down to for me is "Would she do it for me?". In my mother's case, the answer would be a resounding "NO!".

Unless there is a massive back story which we are going to get drip fed

I think OP made her 'back story' perfectly clear in her first post where she mentioned that she's had 30 years of 'conditioning', she's in therapy and her mum probably has NPD.

It's easy to say that nobody should leave their mother alone at Christmas/after a car accident/etc - but I would be the people saying that have good, healthy relationships with their mothers.

OP do what you want to do - not what you seem to realise you are being guilt-tripped into by somebody who has probably never made you her priority (if she really does have NPD, that is).

And I agree you will probably get more helpful advice on the Stately Homes thread

How would spending Xmas with your mother make you a crap dil?
Given that she's been in an awful car accident, been lucky to escape with her life, and you haven't been to see her since it happened?

Similar scenario here. My dd and her partner were meant to spend Xmas with us for the first time ever. His Dad is now unwell (painful but not life threatening) so they are going there instead. Otherwise he would be on his own. I don't think either of them are 'crap' and I'm not upset about it. I'm glad to see they are both caring people.

Meant to say 'but I would bet'....

Op don’t let your mum guilt trip you.
Spend christmas with your dh. It is really ok for you to do this, don’t feel bad.
I can only think that most posters have nice normal mums.
Not all of us do.
Don’t go op

Any way you could pay for transport to get her to your Aunts for Christmas day ?

I imagine you were looking forward to a DM free Christmas, a new beginning for your Christmas that isn't being around an emotionally abusive parent. However if you don't go/see her you will not enjoy yourself anyway and the fall out will be enormous. Is it possible to get your DH to pick her up for the lunch bit at your ILs and then drop her back? AT YOUR CONVENIENCE not hers?

I am also suspicious of the timing of the car crash. There's a reason the emergency services' terminology changed from Road Traffic Accidents to Road Traffic Collisions...

OP, I think you should stick to the Christmas you planned. Can't your aunt go to your mum?