Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. WWYD?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I have a bit of a dilemma that I need an outside opinion on.

This year will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas with my
Mum- she and my Dad divorced when I was very young, my DB moved out as a teenager and hasn’t spent Christmas with her since and now they’re NC, so it’s been just her and me for years now. Most years we either spend it with my Aunt and her family or have Christmas Day just the two of us and go to Aunts on Boxing Day. However, I got married this year, and all along it has been the plan that I would spend this Christmas with my husband and his family. He spent Christmas with me and my family last year, so this has been the plan for a very long time.

Here’s the dilemma.

My DM was in a pretty awful car accident a few weeks ago- there were no other vehicles involved, it was nobody else’s fault, she was just driving like a dumbass and is very, very lucky not to have been killed. Her car is a complete write off, by some miracle (mostly thanks to her seatbelt) she managed to escape any severe injuries but does have some deep tissue bruising. I haven’t been to visit her as she lives somewhere that really isn’t easy to get to unless you drive (I don’t) and I haven’t had enough money for trains and taxis which cost a fortune where she is. I have already had a few guilt tripping messages from my DM, for example-

DM- Are you coming to see me this weekend?
Me- I can’t, it’s my friend’s leaving do before she moves abroad
DM- People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check.

She knew perfectly well that I had no plans to go to hers, but by dropping in the “people were assuming” the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I’d have dropped everything and come running.

Anyway, because of this it is looking like she won’t make it to spend Christmas at my Aunt’s this year as planned.

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

There is the suggestion that she just comes to the in-laws with me, but that won’t work for a few reasons- my FIL’s mother is very, very ill so they’ll want to go and spend some time with her, and also my Mum is just not an easy person to be around- she has anxiety and depression but likes to think that otherwise she’s super fun, she talks about herself non stop, and my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) I’m used to her- a call it 30 years of conditioning- but my in-laws have only spent a few hours in her company, so I’d feel bad foisting her on them at Christmas!

I really don’t know what to do now. The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

All because my Mum drives like a dumbass.

So what do I take, option a- be a crap daughter or option b- be a crap daughter in law?

Anyone?

I wish I had the type of relationship with my Mother that would make me say 'go see your Mum'.

I didn't and don't though. I'm so jealous of people that talk, shop, share secrets etc with their Mums. I feel I missed out on a lot. She was strangely over protective of me, and I'm sure she does love me. She just doesn't like me much and resents me hugely.

I'm the eldest of 4. The others all get on with her, she's not the same with them. I'm 'bad' you see. I know I'm 'bad' because it's almost one of the first memories I have of us. I'm also fat, a slut, and I like to cause rows between her and my Dad.

As adults my siblings and I are close, but it was a long time coming because I was 'bad' you see, and they know I was 'bad' so I made my poor Mother miserable.

Bizarrely though, I do love her. I love her more than I hate her. In fact I don't hate her at all. I just hate how she made me feel.

Not all Mother/daughter relationships are typically what people expect. We can't always just go NC because the love is there, and we can see it's damaging to us, but our conscience and own emotions still hope that one day it won't be like this.

I agree with the posters saying that your Mum is laying it on a bit thick about the bruising and going to her sister's house.

I'm pretty sure that if she believed you were definitely not coming to see her she would be magically able to go to her sister's. Perhaps you should make that the narrative, and stick to it.

Your Mum sounds like she is intentionally sabotaging your Christmas.

Columbine and reborn - how do you propose the OP invites her mother to someone else's christmas? How rude; to expect MIL to put up with OP Dm and her needs (no stairs, a difficult personality, an obviously controlling and miserable trait) while PIL have their own family to think about and look after.

NO, DM had her way last christmas. The fact that she has 'bruising' a month later such that she can't manage to get to her sister's is her own fault. And if she has no-one else to see to her, who's fault is that?

Christmas Day is only one day.

@ptumbi, your post makes you seem very, very mean spirited.

I 'propose' that the OP's inlaws would welcome her mother on Christmas day, being aware that she is otherwise on her own. Unless they too are as uncaring as you're post makes you seem?

Christmas may be 'only one day', but it is a particularly hard day to be left alone.

If DH drives why not hire a car for a few days, go see your DM in the morning, then over to PIL in the afternoon. That way everyone's happy. If you planning a night out in London anyway use that money.
Just a thought?

No, Reborn, the OP's DM could go to her sister's house on Christmas Day. It doesn't sound like she's all that seriously injured and she could book herself a taxi. There's no indication that she can't afford that.

The OP's ILs are going through a very hard time themselves so it wouldn't be fair on them to expect them to entertain her DM.

And yes, it is only one day, the OP can arrange to see her DM before Christmas Day or after to exchange presents.

Why cant dh pay for the travel for you to get to your mums and back? Seeing a parebt after theyve been in a serious car crash is important.

If you have money for a leaving do you have money for a train ticket.

It's all so logical when you're not the one sitting alone on Christmas day.

OP, you're a good daughter. You have been thoughtful and kind over the years to your mother in difficult circumstances and are being thoughtful and kind now thinking about how to handle Christmas. This doesn't mean you need to ruin your Christmas to be with her. Even if your mother is upset about it, you will still be a good daughter if you don't go.

I agree with astoundedgoat. She's trying to manipulate you and if she "wins" this time it will give her the encouragement to sabotage future events.

Why cant dh pay for the travel for you to get to your mums and back? Seeing a parebt after theyve been in a serious car crash is important.

A - because she doesn’t WANT TO
B - because it’s money THEY don’t have
C - seeing a parent after a shunt is important to you - you are not the OP, and clearly don’t understand the situation here.

I 'propose' that the OP's inlaws would welcome her mother on Christmas day, being aware that she is otherwise on her own. Unless they too are as uncaring as you're post makes you seem?

The m has ruined events for the IL family before, they have a seriously ill relative to cater to.

The op needs and wants a break, her IL don’t need the stress of an arch manipulator

There is nothing to stop the m spending time with her sister as planned.

My DM has guilt tripped me several times into dropping the ILs and going to hers for Xmas because she is soooo sad no one will celebrate with her. Last time she went "surprise! Here is your brother who abused you throughout your childhood and you are nc with ".

Never again, ILs every year now.

Not all mums are nice to their children. Some people have no experience of this and think all mums are wonderful loving beings

Reborn - if the OP DM can make it to her DDs MIL, she can make it to her own sister's!

I say again - why should the PIL invite a person they may only have met once (at the wedding) to a christmas in which they are looking after their own seriously ill/old family?

It might make me seem cold and uncaring - I look after those who look after me. I love those who love me. I have no sympathy, or time, for people who try to manipulate me.

Oh MrsWillmot - that brings back memories of going to my mum and my toxic sister being there...

Now I make sure my sister is out of the country (not hard, she goes on holiday about 5 times a year - sans kids, of course. DM is left with her kids) before I even think about going to visit mum.

Luckily toxic sister is out of the country at xmas (again, without her own kids) for a month over xmas, so I will probably go to my own mum's for a day.

christmas is the one time that people have to overlook their differences

Genuine question - but why? Why should people be guilt-tripped into seeing people they don't want to see, spending money they don't have, and then having to rush everything at work to meet artificial deadlines etc etc

Christmas is massively stressful and it is just one day.

To all you people who have supportive,caring parents who you want (and are able) to spend time with when they are injured and at Christmas - you are very fortunate and your parents are equally fortunate to have you. Please, please try and summon up some empathy and understand that not everyone is in your position.

Some parents are not good parents, they can be cruel, or neglectful, or selfish or anyone of a myriad different things. The children of such parents will have very good reasons for limiting the time they spend with them and trying to find the happiness they did not have in their childhood.

Go and see your in laws. Sounds like they are having a difficult time with bereavement and could do with your support.

Let someone else shoulder the responsibility of your mum this year. She's got a sister and extended family. I would let them step up.

@Columbine1 she can spend xmas with me. However, i think she has had 39 years of christmas surrounded by kids. I think she wants to just have a xmas day on her own. She has spent every xmas with me since i moved out (15 years ago ) except for last. i have 3 DDs. She has 10 Dgc overall. I really wish she would come to one of her 4 daughters. If not me then a different sister. Ive told her she is not only more than welcome, she will be deeply missed. I have said if it isnt all she thinks it will be, then she can bring her lobster (her choice if xmas dinner) to ours and we will cook and accommodate her.
Im actually crying whilst typing this. I mist respect my mums wishes, i just do not want her to feel alone. I am secretly hoping she has a new man in her life that she hasn't told us about and she is spending it with him.

Don’t go OP it will be awful! My mum sounds very similar to yours, she fell over drunk 2 years ago in November and shattered her ankle, she was still immobile at Xmas. It was all poor me Im the only person in the world to ever break my leg I need all the attention etc she was VILE to everyone who tried to help her it was all our fault she’d fallen over drunk and we weren’t doing enough for her despite everyone bending over backwards

@columbine1 are you a columbiner?

Oh Skippy - I hope you are right about the new man or that she does see some of you for xmas
Chiaseed since I don't understand the Q I guess not!

Whops! I have different profile names on laptop & kindle...

@ocelot7 I am just praying it isn't because she feels like a burden. She really isn't. I am going to say though out of the 4 DDs she had only I and my Sis 200 miles away (Mum doesnt drive) ever invites her for xmas.

There are lots of minimising posts on here. The DMs injuries won't be that bad. She's laying it on because she's that kind pf person. She deserves it because the accident was her fault.

Those posters should be ashamed of themselves.

I've dealt with RTAs for 20 years. I've also got a lot of personal experience of friends and family being involved in car accidents. It's perfectly possible that she's still in considerable discomfort. I've seen people end up with lifelong injury/ disability from a 10mph rear end shunt. Let alone rolling your car.

The fact you've not seen her since the accident stands out to me.i find it impossible to believe that between you and your DH you couldn't find the money to go. I know Essex pretty well. I cant think of anywhere that costs £50 by train to get to, but anyway let's take what you say at face value. You can't afford that but you can afford nights out and Xmas presents....I think the reality is you can afford it but you don't want to go. It's too much effort to get on a train. You've decided effectively your DHs family as they live nearby is a more convenient priority.

If you wanted to gp you would have found the money. Put it on a credit card, spent less going out, whatever.

I feel really sorry for your mum. A friend of mine flipped her car on ice some years ago. It was her fault. But I didn't consider that fact should stop me from visiting her or caring about her being injured! I certainly wouldn't have had her on her own at Xmas. And that's just a friend, not my mum.

The thing is, if you'd prioritised seeing your mum over nights out before now you'd know exactly how bad she is and what she can/ can't do. As it is you have no idea. You can't say whether she's fit to go to your aunts. Presumably your mum can't drive now. You can't drive. Your DH can drive, but doesn't have access to a car (not even one of his family cars apparently...) so if your mum did gp tp your aunt, presumably your aunt would have to do the 2 or more hour round trip...

You'll obviously make up your own mind. If it suits you to think you can't afford it, that a 50 mile journey is financially and practically impossible for you, that your mums injuries aren't that bad and the accident was her fault so she's less deserving of sympathy...there's probably nothing that can be said tp persuade you otherwise.