Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. WWYD?

221 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 14/12/2017 09:20

I have a bit of a dilemma that I need an outside opinion on.

This year will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas with my
Mum- she and my Dad divorced when I was very young, my DB moved out as a teenager and hasn’t spent Christmas with her since and now they’re NC, so it’s been just her and me for years now. Most years we either spend it with my Aunt and her family or have Christmas Day just the two of us and go to Aunts on Boxing Day. However, I got married this year, and all along it has been the plan that I would spend this Christmas with my husband and his family. He spent Christmas with me and my family last year, so this has been the plan for a very long time.

Here’s the dilemma.

My DM was in a pretty awful car accident a few weeks ago- there were no other vehicles involved, it was nobody else’s fault, she was just driving like a dumbass and is very, very lucky not to have been killed. Her car is a complete write off, by some miracle (mostly thanks to her seatbelt) she managed to escape any severe injuries but does have some deep tissue bruising. I haven’t been to visit her as she lives somewhere that really isn’t easy to get to unless you drive (I don’t) and I haven’t had enough money for trains and taxis which cost a fortune where she is. I have already had a few guilt tripping messages from my DM, for example-

DM- Are you coming to see me this weekend?
Me- I can’t, it’s my friend’s leaving do before she moves abroad
DM- People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check.

She knew perfectly well that I had no plans to go to hers, but by dropping in the “people were assuming” the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I’d have dropped everything and come running.

Anyway, because of this it is looking like she won’t make it to spend Christmas at my Aunt’s this year as planned.

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

There is the suggestion that she just comes to the in-laws with me, but that won’t work for a few reasons- my FIL’s mother is very, very ill so they’ll want to go and spend some time with her, and also my Mum is just not an easy person to be around- she has anxiety and depression but likes to think that otherwise she’s super fun, she talks about herself non stop, and my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) I’m used to her- a call it 30 years of conditioning- but my in-laws have only spent a few hours in her company, so I’d feel bad foisting her on them at Christmas!

I really don’t know what to do now. The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

All because my Mum drives like a dumbass.

So what do I take, option a- be a crap daughter or option b- be a crap daughter in law?

Anyone?

OP posts:
BackBoiler · 14/12/2017 09:51

*I don't think not seeing her on Christmas Day is an issue, I think not seeing her when she's had a car accident, even if she was at fault, is a problem to be honest.

Christmas Day is one day, you haven't seen her in weeks.*

This is what I also meant to post ^

BarbarianMum · 14/12/2017 09:51

I can see why you want to spend Christmas with your dh's family but not bothering to visit your mum after she's been in a serious car accident is low.

Reallycantbebothered · 14/12/2017 09:52

Your poor dm has had a very scary near death car accident and you haven't been to see her!
Never mind that you can't drive...does your dh?....why have you not been to see her?
And as for Christmas, forget 'who's turn it is' and go and visit her or bring her to yours and you host Christmas...then dh parents etc can visit you during Christmas week
Imagine how you'd feel if you'd had an accident and no one came to visit you...shame on you OP

doughnutcraver · 14/12/2017 09:52

If my mother was in a serious car accident I would drop everything to be by her side.
I understand that you want to be with your new husband but surely he will come to your mothers too and visit his parents another day- Christmas Eve/ Boxing Day!
How does your mother feel about being alone after a serious accident?

expatinscotland · 14/12/2017 09:55

I have a lovely mother. I'd drop everything if she were in an accident. But I recognise that some people have shit, narc mums and as such, if they don't see fit to visit them, I don't blame them.

LemonShark · 14/12/2017 09:55

Good point BlackSheepHasKids, I missed that about his grandmother.

In that case I'd advise spending it separately.

Is there no way you can do both btw? Half the day at each? I know you don't drive but does nobody? Not your husband? Anyone? Is the distance so great that a taxi would be prohibitively expensive? If so, can you ask your mum what she'd like and see if she'd pay for the taxi so she can see you?

angstinabaggyjumper · 14/12/2017 09:56

My DM wasn't always nice to me but I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone and in pain and probably feeling very unhappy and sorry for herself on Christmas Day. If your ILs don't understand then they are heartless I would actually expect them to think you ABU if you don't go to your DM's aid.

Travis1 · 14/12/2017 09:57

I love these threads, they always bring out the 'it's your MUM' crown as though being a MOTHER means she untouchable. Newsflash folks, some mothers are just pure shit.

I think it says a lot that your DB is no contact with her. I'm assuming the reason she can't go to your aunts is because she has no car anymore?

expatinscotland · 14/12/2017 09:57

And how is she supposed to get there on Xmas Day if she doesn't drive and cannot afford taxis?

Travis1 · 14/12/2017 09:58

*crown even, but if you want to wear a crown crack on!

Travis1 · 14/12/2017 09:58

CROWD bloody CROWD!!! Stupid phone

nameshelpplease · 14/12/2017 09:59

We all make plans but sometimes things happen and we have to make sacrifices or do things we'd rather not do. You should spend time with your mum, whether that's on Christmas Day or another day and whether it's at her house, your house or at your in laws. Your husband may or may not want to join you. You work out what's the best option for you, but please just imagine how you'd feel if the tables were turned.

RestingGrinchFace · 14/12/2017 09:59

I wouldn't go see her. She's being horrible manipulative. There is also a part of me that wonders whether the car accident was intentional to get attention.

BarbarianMum · 14/12/2017 09:59

Sorry expat but that doesn't wash. OP's mum may not be great but she's good enough to be in her life. If someone's in your life and is in a serious accident, you go visit, even if you are low contact generally.

ushuaiamonamour · 14/12/2017 10:00

I have the same question as eenymeenymaccaracca--why would she be able to go to your in-laws but not to your aunt's? Sounds like a choice between spending your first Christmas with your husband as you'd planned all along, and perhaps giving some much-needed distraction to your FIL, or of having the memory of your first Christmas as a married couple being a regretful one of having spent the day with an unpleasant person because she had bruises. I know which I'd choose.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 14/12/2017 10:00

Like one or two other PPs, I am getting a sense here that the OP's relationship with her mother has been difficult for a long time, and that that is at the mother's door (the brother moving out in adolescence and now being NC is a big indication). The PPs who are piling on to tell the OP what a dreadful daughter she is will be repeating what the OP has presumably been hearing from her mother all her life - and just at a moment when (reading between the lines) the OP is coming to a point where she might have felt able to break away a bit.

OP - in your place I would go to her for Christmas (I am assuming there are no dc to consider here and that the ILs will understand, given the circumstances). But, and this is a big 'but', make one of your urgent tasks for the new year the redrawing of boundaries. Both towards your mother directly and towards those in the wider family who either buy into her manipulation or like to delegate the emotional work of her onto you. I am not saying go NC (not necessarily, anyway). But I am saying find and reinforce that new ground forming under your feet.

LemonShark · 14/12/2017 10:00

Travis1 I dunno, I feel like the OP would have made it clear if her mum was 'pure shit' as there wouldn't even be a debate there to have. You don't have to spend xmas with someone who is currently or previously abusive.

Also I feel it's unfair to suggest that the NC with her son is an indicator she's shit, lots of people are estranged from family members and there are always two sides to every story. Being estranged/NC doesn't mean either side is a terrible person. What's to say her mum didn't implement the NC for her own reasons?

Stand Alone are a brilliant charity offering support to people dealing with family estrangement for anyone reading who's going through something similar and may be upset x

Loonoonow · 14/12/2017 10:01

What comes across loud and clear in your post is that you don't want to go. Not even guilt is making you want to go. So don't go. Put yourself first. Have the Christmas you planned and want. Don't martyr yourself because your mum drove badly.

All the people saying 'you should go because it's your mum' obviously have very different family dynamics to you. If you don't want to go you have your reasons and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone at all. Not your mum or your aunt or anyone on here.

StorminaBcup · 14/12/2017 10:01

Is there a reason your DM can’t get a taxi to your Aunts on Christmas Day?

expatinscotland · 14/12/2017 10:04

'Sorry expat but that doesn't wash. OP's mum may not be great but she's good enough to be in her life. If someone's in your life and is in a serious accident, you go visit, even if you are low contact generally.'

Of course it does! It may be she shouldn't have her in her life. Plenty of people keep toxic, narc and abusive people in their lives out of FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. People who do usually understate how bad their toxic relative really is, and maybe now that's what coming out with the OP. It's not always possible to go and visit everyone in your life when he/she has an accident, some people truly cannot afford it.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2017 10:05

I also don’t understand why if she had the accident several weeks ago you haven’t been to see her and only have angst about Xmas day but very content to be a “crap daughter”, in your words, rhe rest of the time.

BlackSheepHasKids · 14/12/2017 10:05

Now might also be a good time to suggest she re-thinks where she lives. Either because she was driving dangerously and could be without a car for some time if charges are brought, or if the accident was caused by some health reason which could mean her licence could be revoked. If where she lives is really so inaccessible then she should start to think about the future and move to somewhere with more options.

LemonShark · 14/12/2017 10:06

I agree 100% that if the OP doesn't want to go she shouldn't have to go.

It's just, she asked opinions on what she should do and what others would do, which indicates she's either not sure what to do for the best, or she wants absolving for her already made decision not to go.

OP, I gave my thoughts on possible solutions and what I'd do but as others have said, it's your life and you know your mum and the relationship you have with her and what you want. If you decide not to go that's absolutely fine, you have the right to make that decision! There's no law stating what we should do on xmas day. It is only one day.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 14/12/2017 10:06

I don't think not seeing her on Christmas Day is an issue, I think not seeing her when she's had a car accident, even if she was at fault, is a problem to be honest. Christmas Day is one day, you haven't seen her in weeks.

This ^^

therealposieparker · 14/12/2017 10:07

I would include her in your plans, your DM won't be as painful to others as she is to you.