Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. WWYD?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I have a bit of a dilemma that I need an outside opinion on.

This year will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas with my
Mum- she and my Dad divorced when I was very young, my DB moved out as a teenager and hasn’t spent Christmas with her since and now they’re NC, so it’s been just her and me for years now. Most years we either spend it with my Aunt and her family or have Christmas Day just the two of us and go to Aunts on Boxing Day. However, I got married this year, and all along it has been the plan that I would spend this Christmas with my husband and his family. He spent Christmas with me and my family last year, so this has been the plan for a very long time.

Here’s the dilemma.

My DM was in a pretty awful car accident a few weeks ago- there were no other vehicles involved, it was nobody else’s fault, she was just driving like a dumbass and is very, very lucky not to have been killed. Her car is a complete write off, by some miracle (mostly thanks to her seatbelt) she managed to escape any severe injuries but does have some deep tissue bruising. I haven’t been to visit her as she lives somewhere that really isn’t easy to get to unless you drive (I don’t) and I haven’t had enough money for trains and taxis which cost a fortune where she is. I have already had a few guilt tripping messages from my DM, for example-

DM- Are you coming to see me this weekend?
Me- I can’t, it’s my friend’s leaving do before she moves abroad
DM- People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check.

She knew perfectly well that I had no plans to go to hers, but by dropping in the “people were assuming” the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I’d have dropped everything and come running.

Anyway, because of this it is looking like she won’t make it to spend Christmas at my Aunt’s this year as planned.

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

There is the suggestion that she just comes to the in-laws with me, but that won’t work for a few reasons- my FIL’s mother is very, very ill so they’ll want to go and spend some time with her, and also my Mum is just not an easy person to be around- she has anxiety and depression but likes to think that otherwise she’s super fun, she talks about herself non stop, and my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) I’m used to her- a call it 30 years of conditioning- but my in-laws have only spent a few hours in her company, so I’d feel bad foisting her on them at Christmas!

I really don’t know what to do now. The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

All because my Mum drives like a dumbass.

So what do I take, option a- be a crap daughter or option b- be a crap daughter in law?

Anyone?

OP if it helps, this Christmas will be the first year since having children that I won't be seeing my narc mother. I know it's the right thing for me and my family; she hates to see other people happy and gets nastier the happier we all are - so she always turns nasty at Christmas.

So actually I am really, really looking forward to it. But because of my 40-odd years of 'conditioning', I get pangs of guilt. But every time I do, I remind myself that I have every right to decide how to spend Christmas, because I am an adult. And because my mother is also an adult, she has made her 'choices' too which have lead to the situation we're in - it's not my fault - and it's not yours

Is there a huge back story here??

Your mum was in a terrible crash weeks ago that could have killed her, and you haven't been to see her??? And you're calling her a 'dumbass'??? Um.

I don't think not seeing her on Christmas Day is an issue, I think not seeing her when she's had a car accident, even if she was at fault, is a problem to be honest. Christmas Day is one day, you haven't seen her in weeks.

This.

You sound really selfish.

The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

Ok OP - I'm assuming you would prefer not to choose option b for many reasons.

So how about an 'amended' option a? 'I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I work really hard on not feeling like shit, because actually I know deep down that I shouldn't feel like shit, because none of this is my fault'.

You have a choice of having (possibly) another 30 years of living in FOG and anticipating your mother's reactions to your every move, or you can make this the Christmas you make a stand and start putting up some boundaries so the next 30 years are better.

How long do you have off for Christmas OP?
I think to prevent feeling shit (your phrase) that you need to see your Mum, but that you also need to let your DH see his family, and you really want to spend Christmas with your own DH.
Presumably your DH drives? The two of you go to your Mum's for a day then head off to his parents. Spend Christmas as planned but do make an effort to see her.
Thus no guilt, and you can get a real idea of her injuries rather than relying on her account and (reading between the lines) wondering if she is exaggerating.

If your aunt can get to your mum's for a visit this week, then your aunt can get to your mum's for Christmas or help with bringing your mum to hers instead.

People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check

Not even subtle.

Start your married life as you mean to go on. It's your life now.

And also meant to add OP, I would seriously think about having this thread removed and starting again on the Stately Homes thread, where people will understand.

Just for the record to other posters on this thread - calling somebody who has probably suffered years of emotional abuse at the hands of a parent 'selfish' etc can be really damaging.

Good posts Badflump.

And Merry Christmas, I hope your day is every bit as lovely as you and your family deserve!!

Is there a huge back story here??

The one where it's mentioned that the mother has NPD, the brother is NC with the mother, and the OP is in therapy?

All mentioned in the OP.

OP, I get it. My parents are estranged from me for very good reasons. They are toxic, nasty people. To the outside world they look ... odd but "nice". Nothing obvious to make you think "damn, run away girl, you in danger".

Your mum has a personality that has resulted in divorce and an estrangement from one of her children already. She has groomed you to feel responsible for HER needs but, as a parent, what is she doing to acknowledge your needs?

Your newly married, of course you should be with your husband.

If she was nicer there would be others around her, nearer than you, to pop in and see her. If she were nicer, she'd understand you may not have the time/money to visit at this busy time.

People who haven't lived in the dysfunction will blame you for feeling guilty that you want to protect yourself. Because that's what you're doing. Protecting yourself. that goes against everything you've been taught growing up and it's a good thing because if you are going to have kids you need to make sure they don't suffer too and that you're strong enough to say "no!" to toxic behaviours.

Also I agree with the poster who said it was suspicious this accident affects no one but her and places her in spotlight. My mother did stuff like this, people wouldn't believe it, until she pushed it too far, then Suddenly everyone was up in arms/shock etc. but no one ever says sorry we thought you were a bitch, didn't realise you were telling the truth about her...

Protect yourself, your marriage, your future.
This is a way of testing to see who you'll put first, her or your husband.

And to all the lucky posters who say "omg but it's your muuuuuuum" I'm truly happy they have a warm relationship with their mothers but this dysfunction exists for others and your experiences don't match ours. You are NOT helping by condoning abuse because it's faaaaaamily.

Good luck OP.

Another thing I'm thinking is that the mother had no serious injuries. The accident may have been "serious", but the injuries were not. Bruising, yes, but this was a few weeks ago already, and there's still 10 days to go before Christmas.

Presumably she's been at home and living independently for a while now? And yet she has a crystal ball that says that, even in 10 days' time - i.e. a good month or more after sustaining some bruising - she will be utterly incapable of going to her sister's?

Something tells me that the mother is milking this for all it's worth.

And presumably the mother is the main or only source of information on just how "serious" the accident was.

I mean who gives a shit that your mum survived an awful car accent? Even if she were driving like a 'dumbass.'
I think you're the dumbass. Awful awful way to treat your mother.

I recognise this kind of dilemma... I've been in similar situations with a controlling parent. What would your mother do if the situation were reversed?

I'd probably see her asap and keep my Christmas plans.

Your mum has had an accident which has left her in pain but also had probably given her quite a fright. She is feeling fragile and needs her daughter and you are prioritising your friends leaving do to go see her, and are going to let her be alone at Xmas as not to upset your partners parents. It does seem a bit cold of you.

Well said Flump.

I always readthese responses 'but she's your mother' 'you are such a bad daughter' 'you haven't been to see her? After an accident in which she was hurt - by her own actions' with my own mothers voice. After 27 years of NC with my father 'but he's your father!!!!!!!!'

So what.

I would make time to see her over the christmas week, but she knew and knows the stipulation that you make time for dhs family this year.

Ignore flying monkeys. And hand-wringing posters who have no idea about family dynamics with a NPD mother, and a brother who is NC with her.

Your DB is NC. NOBODY does that without HUGE amounts of thought.

Your DM guilt trips you and uses her sister as flying monkey.

Has anyone you know and trust been to see your M since the accident?

'People are assuming..' TBH, they aren't actually. SHE is saying that to get you to do what she wants you to do.

Was your Aunt always going to leave your gifts with your DM, even though you weren't spending Xmas there? Why would she leave them there? There is nothing stopping your aunt going to see her, there is nothing stopping your aunt collecting her and taking her to hers for christmas as agreed.

This is your first married Christmas, your M is sabotaging it.

I think eeny has it right and a lot of people are missing the fact that OP's mum isn't necessarily blameless in being alone at Christmas.

Not that being alone at Christmas is the end of the world. OP had made plans, everyone was aware of the plans, OP's mum's car accident isn't OP's responsibility.

Deep tissue bruising isn't pleasant but hardly cause for being house-bound. Not as though she's laid up with a broken leg.

I think that people are being unfair. Its clear there are many issues here re her mother. There are people in my family I would cross continents to go see if they were in hospital for days after a car crash and others I would send a card to if they were out with some deep tissue bruising. Its not like they broke a limb or something.

I think her mum is being passive aggressive, manipulative and a total pain in the arse over Xmas. If she has these personality traits I also think the Aunt is trying to fob her off from not coming either. If she cant go to the aunt, she cant go anywhere so traveling is not an option. She isnt in hospital, she isnt in need of constant care. The OP has plans and nothing that has been said here suggest they need to be changed.

I think you're the dumbass. Awful awful way to treat your mother.

You are NOT helping by condoning abuse because it's faaaaaamily. - well said.

I also have a mother that I'm not close to. I probably wouldn't have gone to see her in OP's circumstances either - she is not seriously hurt and they can communicate via other means. I'd possibly have considered going to see her rather than the leaving do, but that depends very much on the importance of the do (who was leaving, to where) and the difficulty of the journey to see her mum.

I'd also not change plans for Christmas day - I agree, it's just a day.
I would however look into going to see her at some point in the period over Christmas.

I totally get the guilt thing, which I suspect most posters on here do not. It's the feeling of hearing that your mum has had an accident and that you should want to rush to see her, but actually you really really don't want to. And then thinking of reasons to justify why you can't, that don't involve saying "actually, I just don't want to rush to see you because our relationship works better if we're at arm's length". This is not OP's fault, but the result of many years of a dysfunctional relationship.

If you go to PIL you know you'll never live it down. She will be the biggest martyr that has ever lived and will get all her flying monkeys onside. So I can see why you're scared. I would be.
But. You're in therapy. You can see what she's done in the past. You know that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. You've taken one step onto the ladder out of the FOG. Why not take the next step? If you feel ready, you should do it. One more step such as not spending Xmas day with her.

On another note, and because I'm a suspicious sort, can you see deep tissue bruising on anything?
My mother's husband had a "badly bruised bone" which was only diagnosed because of the pain - it wouldn't show on an X-ray etc. If he was the manipulative sort, I could believe that he was playing on it for attention (he's not, he's quite nice and I do believe he was in pain).

And yes about getting to your aunt's. Is there an actual, provable reason she can't go?

Bluetrews25 Thu 14-Dec-17 10:07:32
Nasty, suspicious mind here.
Reading between the lines, and paraphrasing -
DMum has NPD bad enough that OP has needed counselling and her brother has gone NC. (People do this for a reason)
OP has recently married, and DMum knew she would be alone this year at Christmas. Then manages to have a car accident where she sustains bruising. (No broken bones etc, so not life threatening, no other vehicles involved.) hmm
She's a difficult character and OP feels reluctance to foist her on ILs.
DMum seems to demand attention from OP and is engaging flying monkeys to bring her around.
It all sounds a bit....convenient....to me.
WWID? Go to ILS and start to cut the umbilical cord a bit. She needs to find her own friends and not be dependent on OP. She seems (I could be wrong, of course, and frequently am) to be rather manipulative and controlling, and throwing toys out of the pram springs to mind.
That's just the impression I got from the OP, like I say, I could be totally wrong.
She might not be the nicest of DMums - if she were lovely and had been really badly hurt, I bet OP would have got there to visit before now.
Stately homes, OP, stately homes.

I'm with you. That was my take on this too.

Some people have the loveliest mothers, OP. Like yours though mine is also a narc.

Don't go. Spend it with your in-laws. Don't worry about saying no.

Message Aunty and tell her you aren't going to your Mum's and not to leave your present there.

Get yourself on the Stately Homes thread. I'm glad you're having counselling. It's shit having a narc Mum.

I think you should go and see your mum.

So why would it be possible for your mum to go to your in laws but not for her to be able to go to your aunts if it involves travelling to both, can you clarify?