Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. WWYD?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I have a bit of a dilemma that I need an outside opinion on.

This year will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas with my
Mum- she and my Dad divorced when I was very young, my DB moved out as a teenager and hasn’t spent Christmas with her since and now they’re NC, so it’s been just her and me for years now. Most years we either spend it with my Aunt and her family or have Christmas Day just the two of us and go to Aunts on Boxing Day. However, I got married this year, and all along it has been the plan that I would spend this Christmas with my husband and his family. He spent Christmas with me and my family last year, so this has been the plan for a very long time.

Here’s the dilemma.

My DM was in a pretty awful car accident a few weeks ago- there were no other vehicles involved, it was nobody else’s fault, she was just driving like a dumbass and is very, very lucky not to have been killed. Her car is a complete write off, by some miracle (mostly thanks to her seatbelt) she managed to escape any severe injuries but does have some deep tissue bruising. I haven’t been to visit her as she lives somewhere that really isn’t easy to get to unless you drive (I don’t) and I haven’t had enough money for trains and taxis which cost a fortune where she is. I have already had a few guilt tripping messages from my DM, for example-

DM- Are you coming to see me this weekend?
Me- I can’t, it’s my friend’s leaving do before she moves abroad
DM- People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check.

She knew perfectly well that I had no plans to go to hers, but by dropping in the “people were assuming” the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I’d have dropped everything and come running.

Anyway, because of this it is looking like she won’t make it to spend Christmas at my Aunt’s this year as planned.

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

There is the suggestion that she just comes to the in-laws with me, but that won’t work for a few reasons- my FIL’s mother is very, very ill so they’ll want to go and spend some time with her, and also my Mum is just not an easy person to be around- she has anxiety and depression but likes to think that otherwise she’s super fun, she talks about herself non stop, and my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) I’m used to her- a call it 30 years of conditioning- but my in-laws have only spent a few hours in her company, so I’d feel bad foisting her on them at Christmas!

I really don’t know what to do now. The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

All because my Mum drives like a dumbass.

So what do I take, option a- be a crap daughter or option b- be a crap daughter in law?

Anyone?

i find it impossible to believe that between you and your DH you couldn't find the money to go. I know Essex pretty well. - but you don't know thw OP well. You don't know their finances, especially at christmas. How dare you say that the OP should spend money she has said they don't have, to visit her mum?
You can't afford that but you can afford nights out and Xmas presents.... - and the OP is entitled to a life. She may have budgeted for a night out, (and xmas presents!) but why should she face the unexpected bill of going to see her mum, who is NOT DUE to have christmas with them this year?

I think the reality is you can afford it but you don't want to go. - and that is her business. SHe has said her mother is difficult, and her own son is NC with her. If she doesn't want to see her mother, and isn't NOT HER TURN, then she doesn't have to. She obviously struggles with her own MH after seeing her difficult mother.
You've decided effectively your DHs family as they live nearby is a more convenient priority. plus it's DHs family's TURN! They have their own problems and family members to look after.

OP DM is trying to manipulate OP into aborting her DH family christmas (by either inviting her DM to their family christmas ) or by OP not being with Dh and his family.

PPs on here don't seem to realise how manipulative some people can be. If OP does go to her DM this year, next year will be even harder to get out of. Because it will be 'oh but you've been with me for xx years, and now I'm older, and

I think you should spend Christmas with your in-laws, its only fair to alternate. But saying that you can't come because of a friend's leaving do, is a bit lame. Have you told her you just can't afford to come? She may offer to pay for you and then you can visit and have a clear conscience for Christmas (and hopefully enjoy it).

My friend’s leaving do wasn’t a big night out- it was a bunch of us having dinner and drinks at her parents house which is only a few miles from me, and my contribution was a bottle of wine and a card that said try not to die in Australia- she’s been an incredibly good friend to me and I’ve no idea when I’ll see her again so yes, getting to say goodbye to her was important to me.

I haven’t bought a single Christmas present yet and won’t be able to until I’m paid next week. I’ve been on a very strict budget this month as I was only paid for 6 days at the end of November.

I should also add that while my DM coming to the ILs with me might appear to solve the issue, they haven’t actually extended the invitation. What with me, DH, BIL, ILs and MIL’s DF (also very elderly) being there they’ve got a lot on their hands anyway, not to mention taking the time to go and see FIL’s DM in hospital. They’re very kind and I’m sure if I asked if my DM could come they would happily have her. But it an extra layer of pressure on them that I don’t want to add.

and a card that said try not to die in Australia

This is completely away from the topic - but I think this is a really strange and unfunny thing to write. Even if it was an 'in-joke'.
Maybe my humour doesn't stretch that far.

Could you go for the day on xmas eve & have a European xmas eve dinner? I'd actually prefer that so you can just chill on xmas day without all the cooking & overconsumption.

You shouldn't feel you have to get her invited to the in-laws.

BTW lots of horrid comments about injuries from an at fault accident! They are still injuries! I had one such accident (my only ever accident in 30+ years) which traumatised me for ages. And I was very sore & bruised from the useless airbag mainly and wrote my car off. I'm glad no-one told me it was my own fault on top of what I was going through

You really are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Obviously I have no real idea of your relationship with your mum but I’d find it hard to think of her on her own.

I initially thought you should speak to your in-laws and see if she could come too but I’ve changed my mind as she might expect that every time.

I think your best bet is to ring the aunt and say you’re worried about her being on her own but your in-laws need supporting this year and see if aunt can come up with something.

I am quite surprised though that you haven’t visited your mum since her accident. That’s just my opinion though

PeonyBucket - I think it would be to do with all the 'dangerous' creatures in Australia. A common enough joke.

try not to die in Australia

I am Australian and I think that's hilarious

YANBU to spend Christmas with your new husband’s family but YABU not to have managed to visit your mum after her crash. No wonder people were asking if you were coming. That was her nice way of telling you that she felt disappointed. Also, it really doesn’t matter that the accident was her fault. She’s your mother and she’s injured and nearly died. You make it sound like she was less deserving of a visit because there was no one else involved in the crash.

This sounds really heartless. A person has been in a serious car accident, has depression and anxiety and is likely to have spend christmas by themselves.

I would be extremely hurt if it was my daughter that didn't want to come because it would spoil her first christmas with her husband. I am sure that if the OP's husband's family are understanding and kind people, they won't mind. I also can't believe that the OP hasn't been to see her mother because of cost/inconvenience.

As an aside: there is an odd tone about the car crash being her own fault so she is less deserving of sympathy. Nothing worse than a sanctimonious non-driver being judgemental about other people's driving.

I know right? Perhaps OP should get a driving licence before she blames her mum for dumbass driving. And the posters here suggesting her mum crashed on purpose are just insane.

She's your mother. Why on earth wouldn't you be there for her when she needs you?

I think that phrase in card is funny too!!

OP I hope you can have a good Christmas surrounded by your in-laws who will hopefully love and cherish you. Proper enjoying each others company. It sounds like you need and deserve it!

I'm glad you are in counselling. You really need to set the boundaries and expectations with your mother firmly.

I suspect my mother has NPD. She is horrible to me. I’m the family scapegoat. I have had a lot of therapy.

I understand you’re angry with your mother. She wasn’t a good enough mother, I get that. I do, however, think this time your anger is misguided. And I do wonder if you’re not also angry with yourself for not going to see her.

You have repeatedly called her a dumbass for having a car accident. You actually sound a lot like my mother talking about me when I’ve made a mistake. You also can’t drive and weren’t there so please stop with the judgements.

You're 30. That makes her at least 50. Having a car accident, where it flips onto the roof is a life changing experience. Not being a driver, you cannot understand what having a car accident does to your confidence. She may not be ready to drive for quite some time, if ever.

You don’t have to change your Christmas plans. But if you do love her, you should make the time to go and see her. Even if that means you don’t get any Christmas presents for anyone this year.

I’m glad you’re in therapy. I think you need to have a lot more. Because you’re sounding really judgmental and unless you keep going, you risk turning out a lot like your mother.

my DB has [gone NC], and I completely understand his reasons although it was very hard for me to come to terms them with until very recently ... where I felt he was freeing himself of the obligation of her and therefore passing the buck to me for the rest of my/her days, and it made me really bitter. He probably was relinquishing his obligations. If she is as bad as him needing to go NC, then I get it.

I gave up all and any obligations to my mother when I was 18. She tried to bribe me with gifts, I sent them back.

She sent me her wedding ring from her marriage to my step dad (it was lovely, unique and she always promised it to me, I LOVE my step dad and keep in touch even though they are divorced). I sent it back. No obligations means no ties, means no gifts however beautiful, however sentimental. Because having her in my life was not worth a ring, or a gift. because her presence meant physical pain, and anxiety for days. I don't blame anyone for going NC

It's all so logical when you're not the one sitting alone on Christmas day. And sometimes you are sitting alone on Chrsitmas day because You Are Not A Nice Person To Be Around.

She's your mother. Why on earth wouldn't you be there for her when she needs you? Perhaps read the op's posts again, she clarifies it quite well.

I would be extremely hurt if it was my daughter that didn't want to come because it would spoil her first christmas with her husband I bet you are a lovely mother though, but beside that, I would be sad (not extremely hurt, how daft) if my not yet grown up daughter wanted to be with her partner over me...but I have (so far) had 15 Christmases with her, and I would not begrudge her starting her own traditions. That is why we raise them, no? To go off in the world and make a life of their own? If we are kind, caring, understanding and considerate we will see/ hear from them often, and on special occasions.

If we are not kind, caring, understanding and considerate we will be lucky if we get a card, or a phone call.

It's our choice. I decide to be kind, caring, understanding and considerate. My mum didn't.

Perhaps OP should get a driving licence before she blames her mum for dumbass driving Did you read what her mother did though? That IS dumb-arse!

She’s your mother and she’s injured and nearly died No she didn't. Op said her injuries weren't severe.

You also can’t drive and weren’t there so please stop with the judgements Oh please...she drove across a grass verge after going PAST the turn off at a junction. That is fucking stupid.

I’m glad you’re in therapy. I think you need to have a lot more. Because you’re sounding really judgmental and unless you keep going, you risk turning out a lot like your mother. Wow...you're in the same position with your mum, as op is to an extent and you finish your judgemental diatribe with that gem.

You do know that op is in therapy BECAUSE of her mum? Just like YOU are? How would you feel if someone said that to you?

That is nasty, and judgemental. Crashing her wasn't an accident, it was collision caused by her stupid actions. It is probably well and good if she doesn't drive for a long time, because she obviously isn't safe on the road!

I think I understand your delema op. When toxic relationships exist, what appears heartless (not visiting after accident) is actually a self preserving response. I know you won’t have had a child focused and happy childhood.

Your mum hasn’t been there for you in the past but now the tables are turned she is being manipulative (sending passive aggressive messages via aunty or guilt tripping you) into getting her own needs met now.

It’s easy for posters who have had a loving nurturing upbringing to criticise you in not putting your Mum first. You don’t owe your mum anything and don’t act in response to fear, guilt & obligation.

Enjoy your Christmas with your new husband and your new in laws.

Go to your in-laws and put a date in the diary with your mum so she knows she will see you.

Your dh will need your support, your FIL will need your DH.

Ring your mum on Christmas Day if she is going to be on her own. Check she has got food, etc.

Sorted.

I'm glad you didn't give into the ridiculous pressure from people on this thread! Good to hear you went to your in laws.

Regarding OP's statement that her therapist has said they think her mother has NPD, I would be suspicious of any 'therapist' who would proffer a diagnosis on a person they had not met and assessed.

Consolidate and Kasimir, this thread is over a year old.