Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. WWYD?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I have a bit of a dilemma that I need an outside opinion on.

This year will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas with my
Mum- she and my Dad divorced when I was very young, my DB moved out as a teenager and hasn’t spent Christmas with her since and now they’re NC, so it’s been just her and me for years now. Most years we either spend it with my Aunt and her family or have Christmas Day just the two of us and go to Aunts on Boxing Day. However, I got married this year, and all along it has been the plan that I would spend this Christmas with my husband and his family. He spent Christmas with me and my family last year, so this has been the plan for a very long time.

Here’s the dilemma.

My DM was in a pretty awful car accident a few weeks ago- there were no other vehicles involved, it was nobody else’s fault, she was just driving like a dumbass and is very, very lucky not to have been killed. Her car is a complete write off, by some miracle (mostly thanks to her seatbelt) she managed to escape any severe injuries but does have some deep tissue bruising. I haven’t been to visit her as she lives somewhere that really isn’t easy to get to unless you drive (I don’t) and I haven’t had enough money for trains and taxis which cost a fortune where she is. I have already had a few guilt tripping messages from my DM, for example-

DM- Are you coming to see me this weekend?
Me- I can’t, it’s my friend’s leaving do before she moves abroad
DM- People were assuming, I kept saying ‘no’ but thought I’d check.

She knew perfectly well that I had no plans to go to hers, but by dropping in the “people were assuming” the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I’d have dropped everything and come running.

Anyway, because of this it is looking like she won’t make it to spend Christmas at my Aunt’s this year as planned.

As I predicted would happen at some point, yesterday I got a message from said Aunt: “Hi Angelo, your poor Mum. Doesn't look as if she's going to be well enough to come to mine for Christmas. I'm hoping to go and visit her one day next week - I have a Christmas pressie for you and DH so I will leave it there for you. Aunt x”

So again the implication is that if I were a good and dutiful daughter I would cancel my plans to spend Christmas with my DH and his family and instead go and spend it with my Mum.

There is the suggestion that she just comes to the in-laws with me, but that won’t work for a few reasons- my FIL’s mother is very, very ill so they’ll want to go and spend some time with her, and also my Mum is just not an easy person to be around- she has anxiety and depression but likes to think that otherwise she’s super fun, she talks about herself non stop, and my therapist is fairly sure she has NPD (although admittedly she’s only got what I’ve told her to go on.) I’m used to her- a call it 30 years of conditioning- but my in-laws have only spent a few hours in her company, so I’d feel bad foisting her on them at Christmas!

I really don’t know what to do now. The way I see it, I have two options: a)- I go to my in-laws as planned and leave my Mum to spend Christmas alone and in pain and I feel like shit, or b)- I go to my Mum’s, thereby breaking my promise to spend Christmas at my in-laws, my DH and I don’t get to spend our first married Christmas together, and I feel like shit.

All because my Mum drives like a dumbass.

So what do I take, option a- be a crap daughter or option b- be a crap daughter in law?

Anyone?

Ptumbi the op says she spends every Christmas with her dm so they have a relationship, lots of people on here are nc with their mums but this isn't the case here so in those circumstances I think the op should go, that is my opinion and what I would do in this
situation. What sort of mother I have is neither here nor there.

But the fact that you’re absolutely not hearing what the op is saying deadringer absolutely is

Difficult personality or not, christmas is the one time that people have to overlook their differences.

For some of us, Christmas is the time where we get guilted beyond belief, everything conspires to show us how fucking awful we are because we have parents who are fucking awful, some of us DO wish our mothers dead, but sadly to no avail.

Some of us have the strength we manage to build all year taken away from us in seconds by yet another cutting remark or passing jibe

Some of us watch our oh or dc struggle to comprehend or manage what’s happening and failing to respond through shock or disbelief, perhaps too because they don’t want to make it worse for us or “spoil Christmas” for the whole family

Some of us would rather hide under the duvet than spend a second of time with a parent and their group of like minded wannabes.

Op won’t feel able to cut ties with DM no matter what happens. She’ll feel too guilty to abandon DM and this is what DM capitalises on.

Oh and if anyone wants a “DM” they can have mine...

Of course I’ll have to text a few people to get her address, seeing as she moved house without giving the address to me (sent it after a couple of weeks... too late)

Oh and you’ll have to be ok about her deliberately physically hurting your only child? On his birthday? And then guilting him to keep quiet...

Come on now.. don’t all rush at once.. form an orderly queue... first come first served.

If your DM loved you, good for you, you’re one of the lucky ones... appreciate her by all means, but don’t sully her by comparing my DM with yours.

She’s not an evil woman, she’s just self centred to the extreme and it wasn’t til I met DH and witnessed a “normal” family dynamic that I realised it - many people don't realise that their 'normal' in childhood is far from, until they spend time with other families.

And as other pps have pointed out, she would not be alone if she had friends, or her own son to lean on.

And, finally, many people don't go NC. It is a huge step, and not taken lightly (so the son being NC is a big thing) and OP says she doesn't want to go NC. Spending (one day) every christmas with someone is actually normal even for toxic families - and even then the OP says her mother causes so much stress even when diluted with other people.

The fact that the mother has had an accident should not negate the fact that OP wants to spend this christmas with her DH and his family - for once. And I said upthread that I, even with a toxic family dynamic, would go for one day over christmas - just not Christmas Day when she has other commitments to other people.

Could your DH hire a car for the day this weekend - whizz up to Essex for a couple of hours, take her some shopping or out for lunch - but you keep your Christmas commitments/start new traditions.
That perhaps you'd worry less what your aunt may OR MAY NOT be thinking and enjoy your own Christmas more.

Not going to comment on the NC issue as I don't think the Op sounds quite ready to take that step - I've experienced it and it is very hard (although it can be very necessary and freeing).

I suspect if you'd written "bullying and manipulative relative who causes me untold stress to spend time with" ....rather than "mother" ... you'd have got very different answers OP.

Applauds Hissy.

OP your mother is going to be a challenging issue for you (both) your whole married life.

Set a precedent you can live with here. Put your relationship with your DH first and foremost, love and cherish him and also yourself. Everything else will flow from there.

My family was always toxic, especially at Christmas. Lots of family rows. I always thought it was normal, but then my DH was shocked at how toxic things were between us. I just hadn't understood just how abusive my childhood had been as the memories of the worst of it had been repressed for years. My abusive father was already dead by then but there has been so much anger at my DM, mainly on the part of my DB and my DSis, and it made Christmas very difficult.

It's really not worth it, just to feel you've done your duty by your DM. You should spend it with your DH's family as planned, they're having a very difficult time as well and it would be good for you all to be together this year.

You could arrange to see your DM before Christmas or after Boxing Day, just for half a day maybe?

Another vote for hire a car and visit this weekend if possible. Even if not, do Xmas with your in laws and visit when you can after.

From someone whose DM was killed in a car accident last year, I say stick to your original plans. Actions have consequences. And driving like a dumbass?...she was lucky not to kill or injure anyone else and leave another family bereaved at xmas.

I’m at work Xmas drinks so reading this intermittently. Just want to say thanks so much to those who haven’t been judgmental and repeated the “you’re an awful daughter/human being” sentiments that have already been doing laps round my head in the last 3 weeks.
A few people have suggested going NC with my Mum- my DB has, and I completely understand his reasons although it was very hard for me to come to terms them with until very recently as I only saw it from my own perspective, where I felt he was freeing himself of the obligation of her and therefore passing the buck to me for the rest of my/her days, and it made me really bitter. It took me a long time to forgive him for it. He and I aren’t close, but we have an understanding of each other. He knows how damaging my mum is and how tough it is for me to keep her in my life, and I think in a way he’s grateful to me for “picking up the slack” as it were.
I dolove my mum. The reason I won’t go NC is because I love her more than I dislike her, if that makes sense. I keep contact to a minimum by my own choice, despite the piling guilt trips, but Christmas is a tough one because it was just me and her at Christmas for such a long time (even when we spend it at my Aunts, we go together), and I really, really hate the thought of just leaving her completely alone. It’s a combination of guilt and genuine daughterly love (I say daughterly because there is undeniably an element of obligation in there). As far as I see it, practically speaking, it is still a choice of me and her in her flat or her alone and me with DH’s family- logistically it won’t work any other way- but I’ll do my best to absolve myself of any guilt whichever way it plays out and remind myself that I didn’t create this situation.

And I’ll check out the stately homes thread.

One th8ng that is standing out for me is that you know realised how disfunctional your family/mum has been unti” your met your DH.
I think a lot of the guilt is because of that. You have and in some way still consider some of the demands and behaviours form your mum ‘normal’. And that inludes being there for her, even at your own detriment.

So I’m interested to see what ythe ur DH is saying about it.

Fwiw you need to remember that it’s NORMAL not to spend every Christmas with your mum. It’s normal to go to your PIL.
And yes this will mean she is on her own. But that is NOT your responsibility. She is an adult and it’s up to her to also organise herself (maybe by sorting something out with her dsis or Just by organising a day for herself) like a lot of other single people do.
Your responsibility goes as far as inviting her or seeing her every other year. Keeping in touch and ‘looking after’ her. But it’s should be at yoUr own detriment.

Sorry it should NOT be at your own detriment.

you know the thing that stands out for me is what a PP said about her injuries.

I do not believe that still, weeks later, she is so bruised that she cannot manage the stairs at your aunt's house.

I suspect that she is laying it on really thick tho get you to come and visit.

I think also, that once you have made it clear you aren't coming, that she may suddenly discover she is well enough to go to your aunt's house.

After all, Christmas is still 10 days away. Unless she has undiagnosed injuries, she is no way still suffering bruising from an accident several weeks ago surely.

I agree that she might be laying it on thick about her injuries and expecting you to fall into line with her. I can't believe that it can be that difficult for her to get to your aunt's house tbh. I would take that with a large dollop of salt personally. (Easy to say from outside the situation of course!)

I have only read the 1st page. Was colleagues leaving do more important that DM accident or was it earlier?

I have only read the 1st page - why?

Why do posters come on after x pages and say the first thing they think of? Is it because they can't absorb all the info in x pages?

RTFD! Or at the very least, read the OPs posts!

Yep, I'm another one who thinks she's laying it on thick about the bruising.

I have read the thread and the one thing I couldn't get past was why your aunt (I'm guessing it's her sister) isn't doing more to help her sister? I know you've mentioned about her house having loads of stairs but unless it's overrun with them, your mother could quite easily have Christmas dinner with her sister and be driven back (either by someone from your aunt's house) or by a taxi (half an hour in a taxi) to her own place after Christmas day dinner. Or she could be put in a bed in her sister's house but take her time getting to the bedroom (no reason to sprint or rush if she has a sore hip).
That's my take on the situation. Do come back and let us know what you end up deciding to do.

I have experience with family with NPD - not easy at all, actually being a child of someone who has NPD is soul destroying. Honestly you will be damned if you do, damned if you don't on xmas day. So it really is up to you what you do.
I really can't say too much about my experiences on here bur the family member with NPD is not where we would be spending xmas ever!
On the other hand My mum (not npd) is spending xmas on her own this year, she has chosen to. This is going to be so hard for me. Last year she spent it with friends. I hated it. But was ok in a way as I knew she was with people. This year I am dreading it. I hate xmas without my mum.
My dp works with her and even he says its going to be strange without her again - working daily with your MIL, I would have thought he'd be glad of the time away.

So, what is your gut saying OP?

Could you go for the day on 23 December or over this weekend for a quick visit so then you are able to enjoy Xmas at PILs?

Skippy why can't yr mum spend Xmas with you?

Your mum sound hugely manipulative and no I would not be cancelling plans because of this. Though I would probably have gone to see her before xmas, especially given the accident.

BarbarianMum
Sorry expat but that doesn't wash. OP's mum may not be great but she's good enough to be in her life. If someone's in your life and is in a serious accident, you go visit, even if you are low contact generally.

I wouldn't. But of course you don't know my Mum.

Invite her to come along with you and your husband is my immediate thought. Yes, you have reasons why this might not be ideal. But seriously, OP, you have reasons for and against every scenario. This is the winner of the lot IMO. Her personality is what it is. I'm sure your in-laws will cope for one day.