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Any Birth Parents want to talk and support each other?

(213 Posts)
darkriver19886 Thu 10-Oct-19 21:19:01

I had a look around the different forums but, this seems the most appropriate place. In the absence of outward support (been six months since After Adoption shutdown) looking to turn to other birth parents who are wanting to support each other positively.

This thread can be a basic chat, a check-in or whatever you desire. I just don't want to be a thread bashing social services or adopters.

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AgathaCroosty Fri 11-Oct-19 22:50:51

I think this is a lovely idea. I am an adopter, not a birth parent. However, I have also had experienced working professionally with birth family members. What you must go through must be so difficult x

Best of luck on your quest in finding others who would like to share that invisible bond with you x

darkriver19886 Fri 11-Oct-19 23:32:08

Thanks @agathaCroosty. It's very isolating, I don't relate to the group's on FB. People who are angry, I have dealt with anger and just want to make positive changes. Was a disappointing to not get a response.

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AgathaCroosty Fri 11-Oct-19 23:46:11

That's why I felt compelled to reply. I know that you feel that you don't fit within the social group's available on Facebook, but this also might not be the default place birth parents would look for mutual support.

However, if you find solice here then that's just fine! smile

It's good to know that you've got through the angst & emotional side of the situation. Maybe mentioning that on the forums might strike up a conversation with someone else?

darkriver19886 Sat 12-Oct-19 00:54:05

I feel being a birth parent on this site is risky, dealing with demanding questions such as "What did you do to deserve having your children removed?" Or the classic "we are only hearing your side of the story, I bet social services have a different version."

They seem to find it hard to believe that we have the exact same story. Better to believe that I am a monster I guess.

I have noticed that it seems to be rare to want to get better as BP. I have another BP on my Facebook and my mother was one as well. Both of them seem to be stuck in the cycles of anger and blaming everyone else. I had an illumating conversation with my mother last week where I realised she was never going to change.

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flapjackfairy Sat 12-Oct-19 08:42:11

Well Dark you are somewhat rare in adoption circles because you are able to look at the situation the way you do. As you say most birth parents want to blame everyone else and refuse to try to change their future for the better. In fact in 15 yrs of fostering I have never met a birth family that could take responsibility for any of it but I have also never met one that was a monster either.
It is a fallacy of course that all kids in care have been horrifically abused and the families are pure evil ( though some are no doubt ) and ime most are victims of their own dysfunctional upbringing and resulting mental health problems ( sometimes resulting in addiction issues etc etc )
Unfortunately the general public believe the stereotype on the whole resulting in ignorant and unhelpful comments. That must be v hurtful for you .
Anyway I really hope you find some other birth family members who can offer you support x

Thepinklady77 Sat 12-Oct-19 08:44:31

Darkriver, you are right many birth parents who have lost children to the care system or adoption can not sustain change. This of course is for various reasons, for many the deep cycle of chaos, addiction and mental health is just too deep and entrenched to break.

I admire you and our miracle for the steps you have taken to step back and acknowledge that change was needed. I have a very good friend who lost a child to adoption when very young. She has since went on to have two more children who are now with her. The pride I feel in her is huge. The mountains she climbed and the walls she scaled to get her second child back, who had been removed at birth from her care, was amazing. She was offered the right supports and grasped them with both hands. She has a significant wake up call in her life that nudged her to break the cycle. I just wish there were much more supports out there to enable those, who have the desire, to break the cycle.

I hope you find the mutual appropriate support on a forum such as this. Have you thought of contacting Pause to see if they can put you in touch with other birth parents who are rebuilding their lives in a positive way?

darkriver19886 Sat 12-Oct-19 10:04:48

Darkriver, you are right many birth parents who have lost children to the care system or adoption can not sustain change. This of course is for various reasons, for many the deep cycle of chaos, addiction and mental health is just too deep and entrenched to break.

Its a shame really @pinklady77, there isn't a willingness to break the cycles and I understand why. There is comfort in the chaos sometimes.

I will say this I found the support whilst I had social services involvement wanting. I only got a care coordinator once my children were removed, despite the fact I had been asking for help six months previously.

They weren't prepared to treat the actual condition I had and misdiagnosed me which set my actual treatment back. I knew at a subconscious level that I need treatment that the NHS couldn't offer me. I ended up going private once I moved and settled into my lovely flat. I pay for the therapy out of my PIP and she is an excellent and very patient therapist. New to my condition but, her willingness to learn is worth the newness.

Well Dark you are somewhat rare in adoption circles because you are able to look at the situation the way you do. As you say most birth parents want to blame everyone else and refuse to try to change their future for the better. In fact in 15 yrs of fostering I have never met a birth family that could take responsibility for any of it but I have also never met one that was a monster either.

Yes, I have found this as well @flapjackfairy. I dislike passionately that I am an exception to the rule, I know where I went wrong. Mainly not getting treatment sooner.

I am never going to be cured in the medical sense with my mental health but, my aim is to become high functioning and stable. This is going to be a many years-long journeys. It's not a quick fix. I am only on stage one of the recovery right now, I have started to process the trauma which caused the condition in the first place but, its slow.

I am having to teach myself a lot of things, housework being one of them. I still need to master sweeping and mopping but, I am tackling one area at a time.

Writing my blog has helped.

I contacted the first family support email on Thursday so just waiting for a response.

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AgathaCroosty Sat 12-Oct-19 12:42:43

Darkriver you are very brave & Are stronger than you think. Best of luck to you & your future.

darkriver19886 Sat 12-Oct-19 14:26:59

@agathacroosty I dont feel brave.

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Ted27 Sat 12-Oct-19 21:24:58

@darkriver19886

the bravest people are usually those that don't think they are

OurChristmasMiracle Mon 14-Oct-19 19:25:27

Hi darkriver

I’ve searched a lot for birth parent support groups and there’s really very little so for me this is very welcome.

I hope you are doing well x

darkriver19886 Mon 14-Oct-19 20:05:57

@ourchristmasmiracle welcome. I am glad to see you post here. I am not doing good today. Made the error of wondering on twitter and it's national adoption week. Got sucked into the hashtag.

I emailed the PAC-UK last week and I haven't had a response so just trying to wait it.

How are you doing?

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OurChristmasMiracle Mon 14-Oct-19 20:52:06

Hi dark river. Sorry to hear you are finding this week hard. National adoption week kind of shoves it in our faces.

I’m a mix of positive, stressed as I’m due to move in the next couple of weeks and sad. Later this month is 30 years since my father passed away but work is going well. I’m about to move so I have a lot to be grateful for and it’s keeping my mind busy whilst waiting for contact to arrive which was due beginning of this month.

It’s important that you are gentle with yourself and acknowledge how far you’ve already come- not just how far you still have to go. I know people always say “don’t look back” but actually I think sometimes that can be very useful to see just how well we are doing but not to dwell.

darkriver19886 Mon 14-Oct-19 21:01:35

I’m about to move so I have a lot to be grateful for and it’s keeping my mind busy whilst waiting for contact to arrive which was due beginning of this month.

I hope the move goes well and letterbox turns up. My letterbox is due next month and it's my youngest DDs birthday as well.

I am sorry about your dad's anniversary it's always tough. Be kind to yourself as well.

I have been struggling a lot with memories, flashbacks and stuff linked to my own childhood. I do a lot of looking back due to that.

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OurChristmasMiracle Mon 14-Oct-19 21:25:08

Birthdays are always tinged with sadness. Some years I’ve been okay- had a little cry but wanted to celebrate, but this year I just wanted to recluse and not talk to anyone. Have to just take one day at a time.

I look back at the good and bad parts of my childhood, because it wasn’t all bad. There was good times too.

I am now in a place where I rarely have flashbacks or night mares from my memories. I found writing them down did help to a degree.

I look forward to moving but I’m anxious about it too. I’ll be living alone for the first time ever. I’ve always had someone and I’m leaving the comfort of my flatmate who I’ve lived with since 2 months after my Final goodbye contact. I’ve worked hard to get to being independent but it does scare me too but these are all normal feelings or so I’m telling myself.

darkriver19886 Mon 14-Oct-19 21:50:06

I am not sure how I will be. I have therapy the day before so that will help.

Unfortunately, I hardly have any good memories of my childhood. If I have I have dissociated from them just like everything else.

I look forward to moving but I’m anxious about it too. I’ll be living alone for the first time ever. I’ve always had someone and I’m leaving the comfort of my flatmate who I’ve lived with since 2 months after my Final goodbye contact. I’ve worked hard to get to being independent but it does scare me too but these are all normal feelings or so I’m telling myself.

I think that it's quite normal. I have lived alone for about 16 months now and it's relearning everything. Just make it your space that's what I have done. It's HA isn't it?

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OurChristmasMiracle Tue 15-Oct-19 08:00:46

It is HA and living in London that is so difficult to come by. I was lucky enough to find one that because of the sector I work in takes direct applications and was placed on their waiting list last November. My local council wouldn’t assist.

I’m already looking at little things that will make it mine. I have the basics already other than a cooker which I can get.

I like to mark my sons birthday. It makes me feel a little better. Another card each year goes into his memory box ready for if or when he wants to find me.

darkriver19886 Tue 15-Oct-19 08:26:03

It is HA and living in London that is so difficult to come by. I was lucky enough to find one that because of the sector I work in takes direct applications and was placed on their waiting list last November. My local council wouldn’t assist

This is lucky. Yeah my council wouldn't assist, it's only when I got into supported accommodation where they willing to help. I now have a lovely one bed flat with my own entrance, so was able to get a pet. Got a lovely cat now called Pepper. Makes life feel less lonely.

I am allowed to send birthday cards in the letterbox which makes it easier. I have a draw with all the girls memory stuff. I need to get a box sorted.

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nomoneyinmuck Tue 15-Oct-19 14:41:38

Dear Darkriver
Probably not much help I am an adoptive mother but I do understand the howling and inconsolable pain in your deepest being from losing contact with a child whether or not that child was grown under your heart or as in my case in it.All love to you I have also lost my grandchildren and I am determined to rebuild my life somehow.xxx

darkriver19886 Tue 15-Oct-19 15:08:30

nomoneyinmuck I am sorry to hear of your pain. Take it easy

I am trying to get better at housework and I am realise that you can't slip at all on it. Hopefully one day I can get the hang of it.

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OurChristmasMiracle Wed 16-Oct-19 19:46:57

Last couple of days have been manically busy at work but it’s been positive. I would say I’m looking forwards to having a long weekend but I doubt it’s going to be restful as I’m moving 😫 but it’s very positive and I feel in a good place mentally, if a bit tired.

Hope you are doing well darkriver.

darkriver19886 Wed 16-Oct-19 20:16:44

Good Luck for the move @ourchristmasmiracle I hope it goes smoothly. Once you're in your flat you would be able to relax (hopefully)

I have therapy tomorrow. My stomach is a little tense about it as I have had two weeks off because I got so frustrated that I almost lost my cool. Not with her but, with stuff regarding my mental health. It will be fine, I emailed her a blog post I wrote and she knew how I was feeling. Things had been building for a while. Feel much calmer now though.

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OurChristmasMiracle Wed 16-Oct-19 20:29:04

I’m sure your therapist will understand and is probably best placed to help you. Hope therapy is being useful- I know for me it made everything worse for a while before it got any better. Take each session as it comes and be gentle with yourself. All the feelings are valid flowers

darkriver19886 Wed 16-Oct-19 20:45:53

Yeah, I am going to be in therapy for a good few years. Its been about a year now. Starting to scratch the surface of the trauma at the heart of it all but, trust is still an issue. Not looking to be cured but, hoping to be stable with the condition.

Whether that will go down in the future if I choose to have any more children is something I will face. I know plenty of people with the disorder that are good parents. So there is hope.

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