Any Birth Parents want to talk and support each other?

[darkriver19886]

I had a look around the different forums but, this seems the most appropriate place. In the absence of outward support (been six months since After Adoption shutdown) looking to turn to other birth parents who are wanting to support each other positively.

This thread can be a basic chat, a check-in or whatever you desire. I just don't want to be a thread bashing social services or adopters.

Hi @darkriver19886

This weekend has gone very fast. Spent yesterday with my best friends and her kids and today I’ve had a very chilled day with my boyfriend watching films and eating pizza.

I would love to read your book. It would be nice to have a happy ending, and I’m hoping we will both get that; after all our stories are not over, it’s just chapters opening and closing.

Hi @OurChristmasMiracle I hope you have had a good day.
I am chilling now watching Doctor Who . I have kept busy and started writing some more. Also did some housework and now ready to just relax.

Letterbox has arrived. I need to clear my head and write a response. I may wait until after therapy this week.

To be honest I was a little disappointed at how short it was.

@darkriver19886

Letterbox for me is normally a sheet of A4 give or take. Sometimes though I find they just use bigger font so that they don’t actually write as much in the letter.

I haven’t disclosed to them that I am now in a relationship and have been for almost 3 years as I don’t feel it has any relevance to our son at the moment especially as he isn’t involved in contact.

I plan to open an old book of things I’ve written down tonight and read some of it, just as a reminder of how far I’ve come from the trauma.

Yeah, it was an A4 sheet. I think I need to learn to manage my expectations regarding the whole letterbox. I have managed to write a letter and enclosed a picture but, haven't sent it yet.

I have also to got to arrange the viewing of the photograph and that's going to be a nightmare as its a sixty-mile round trip and I don't drive. I am hoping we could have a halfway meeting ground.

I am glad I can stop obsessing about letterbox but, it makes me sad to see the girls doing so well and I am missing out on so much. I also feel guilty as it looks likes I am enjoying myself but I am really not.

I think as a parent you put in the positives and leave out the negatives. Your girls need to hear that their birth mum is doing okay. Sending photos will be reassuring because a photo doesn’t lie.

Letterbox is always going to be hard, no one really knows what to write and let’s face it we are writing to almost strangers, and for me it felt like strangers that have been privy to some of my most intimate information so in a way that made me less able to share.

Sent the letters off today, so that's it letter wise until May. I need to organise the view only photos now. I emailed the service yesterday afternoon and she has referred me to a different person. So I had to send a different email. I won't be able to view it until after Thursday next week as I just won't be to afford the transport and its such a distance.

I will be surprised if I see it before Christmas.

Maybe ask whether it would be possible to view it at your local children services assuming there is one closer? I asked about viewing photos and they did suggest that they could possibly arrange for me to view them in my lunch break close to where I was then working- however I felt emotionally this was too much for me to rush there, view it and rush back to work, but it might be possible for you.

I have the viewing of the photos booked for the 20th. It's not ideal as on the 19th my therapist goes on holiday for three weeks due to the festive season. I feel quite vulnerable at the moment as I have been struggling with denial regarding my mental health. I also struggle to function when that happens.

I finished the chapter I was working on last night and spent their hours carefully editing a third of the text. I am currently using a free version of Grammarly and inputting a sentence at a time if it flags up with an error. My best friend charmingly said I am a great writer but my grammar was atrocious.

I definitely feel a need to keep busy, I just want to get this period over and stop having "family fun" rammed down my throat.

I think this time of year is always going to be harder for both of us. Everything is very family orientated and I have no family- both my parents are dead, and the one sister I had was abusive and toxic so I haven’t seen her since the day of my mums funeral and even then I didn’t speak to her.

I hope the photos bring you some joy and comfort ahead of Christmas, and that you are gentle with yourself. If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

@OurChristmasMiracle
I hope you have had a good week. I have had an awful week, my mental health has really struggled. Last night was awful. I feel like I will never get better and it all just feels powerless.

Will be glad to be in therapy tomorrow.

@darkriver19886

It’s been a productive week but a very draining one. It’s normally this time of year colds and flu tend to get the better of me.

I had my works Christmas party on Friday but I didn’t stay long. I wasn’t really feeling it if I’m honest and I just wanted to get home indoors.

I hope therapy helped you to feel better. I know sometimes you feel completely powerless but you arent, you are in therapy, you will get better but from bitter experience I know therapy can (and did for me) make everything so much worse before it got better

Thinking of you this week as I know you see your photos Friday x

Hi @OurChristmasMiracle great to hear from you. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Will you be having a break over the holiday? I hope you manage to avoid the flu.

Therapy was okay. I did realise how detached I am from my trauma. I was describing an incident from my teens, as I was talking, my therapists face dropped as it was a pretty serious incident, but I have no feelings or emotions about it.

This week is the final session of the year before I go on a three-week break which I am dreading. :/

Unfortunately, I had to postpone the view only photographs as my friend who was going to take me as a hospital appointment that day. I don't think I will be well enough afterwards to come home on my own.

I always dreaded the breaks in between therapy sessions too so I completely understand. It’s been very full on. I’m looking forwards to a night out with 2 of my very close girl friends.

Since moving I’ve been spending much more time with my partner and having much deeper talks which has been beneficial for both of us.

I hope that you have had a nice time with your friends. It sounds like your relationship is improving. Do you think you will move in together?

I have had a rough 24 hours. My mother rang yesterday to say she put some money in my account. Queue a panic about whether I should spend it or accept it. I spent it today after talking to my therapist.

I also found out this morning that my brother and his girlfriend had their baby but it's been immediately taken into care as he didn't tell social services that he had another child removed three years previously. :(

I am not close to my brother, but it's triggering feelings regarding my own future.

@darkriver19886
He’s staying at mine a lot so I think in the next year he will probably move in with me, which was always the longer term plan anyway. It feels like now is a good time to be committing to someone, I’ve taken my time getting to know him, I’ve been with him nearly 3 years and we’ve taken things slowly.

I would have been torn about accepting the money too.

With regards to your brother, look at it from a safeguarding point of view- if he has nothing to hide then why did he keep the history quiet- as a professional they are going to be very concerned. It also raises whether he is able to engage and make the improvements, where as for myself (and I don’t doubt you as well) I would be notifying them as soon as I was aware I was pregnant and engaging with services before the baby was even born, to prevent the child being taken. I know there’s never any guarantees but I think by being open and willing to accept help the chances of being allowed to keep a child are Greatly increased.

Yeah, he's dropped the ball big time. All of the sisters agree that the baby should be adopted. It's sad as it's another family member we will unlikely never see. I would be the same as you regarding social services. I would be honest all the way though.

It’s hard to see and because you know the pain you empathise with him, but you are powerless in this. Please try not to think negatively about your future and any children you may have later on. I think your probably around the same age as me.

It sounds awful, but I don't empathise with him at all. I feel sorry for my nephew, don't get me wrong but, my brother isn't a nice person, and his girlfriend is even worse. A couple of days after the last contact, he laughed at me when I expressed my sadness.

I am feeling pretty low today; I keep wondering about the girls getting excited for Christmas, wishing I could see their faces.

I am feeling pretty hopeless about the future right now.

Then maybe what’s happened is what’s best for the child and whilst you are grieving for the relationship you will never have with your nephew the decisions being made are the right ones.

I wrote my sons card yesterday after visiting my brothers grave. I usually go xmas eve but I’m working this year so I went yesterday. I sometimes feel him there but yesterday he wasn’t, he was watching me but he was far away somewhere. I walked into the church and the choir was practicing. It’s always so beautiful and peaceful there.

It’s hard not to hurt at this time of year, which is only worsened as I lost 2 babies before my son, the first of which was due Boxing Day, and who would be 13 this year. I always believed (knew) she was a girl. (Funny Cos I knew with my son he was a boy)

I haven’t even done an xmas tree this year I was going to over the weekend but I’ve been so poorly I haven’t bothered.

Hug's miracle. I am glad you felt at peace at the church.

I had MC a few months after my eldest was born. I am convinced it was a boy. It's funny we get these hunches.

There is no evidence of any sign of Christmas apart from an half an eat Advent Calendar. (Not mine really)

I forgot to ask did you get around to reading what I pmd. I am working on chapter four now.

Sorry for all the errors I struggled to sleep last night lol

I hope your okay Miracle.

@darkriver19886
I have read it and very much enjoyed it. I hope Christmas is gentle for you, and you have a peaceful day. I am thinking of you n the girls.

Thank you @ourchristmasmiracle, I have been thinking about you today. I have had an okay day. My mental health has been struggling so haven't really been "present."