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Original poster

Any Birth Parents want to talk and support each other?

212 replies

darkriver19886 · 10/10/2019 21:19

I had a look around the different forums but, this seems the most appropriate place. In the absence of outward support (been six months since After Adoption shutdown) looking to turn to other birth parents who are wanting to support each other positively.

This thread can be a basic chat, a check-in or whatever you desire. I just don't want to be a thread bashing social services or adopters.

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Original poster
darkriver19886 · 29/10/2019 13:09

Yes exactly. I fully accept that I failed my girls but I begged and begged for help but, because I had the girls they couldn't properly help me as it destabilising. Confused

They seem to have completely ignored that and the rest of my tweets and focused on one thing I wrote about final contact. How the support disappeared pretty quickly afterwards.

They don't seem to realise that I don't EXPECT the girls to come and find me. I have 0% hope that they will.

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OurChristmasMiracle · 29/10/2019 15:05

Honestly from the time my son was taken into care I received zero support. A social worker was assigned to my son but there was no one assigned to me. The level of support after is awful. I got counselling but only because my solicitor pushed the local authority and reminded them that they do in fact have a duty of care to all parties involved in adoption.

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 29/10/2019 15:21

Birth parents seem to be forgotten about unfortunately. However, sadly have observed on twitter that every party is being failed.

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OurChristmasMiracle · 30/10/2019 08:31

Definitely every party is being failed. Services are majorly over stretched and birth parents aren’t seen as a priority- We are left to our own devices in the hopes we will turn into functioning people- and then they wonder why with no support birth parents go on to have more kids without having made the changes needed.

I got an email back to say the social worker will remind the adopters but I’m not hopeful if I’m honest. I’ve emailed back to say that I will be I contactable tomorrow as I need to prioritise my own mental and emotional well-being as it’s the day I lost my father and a day I purposely asked to avoid.

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 30/10/2019 09:03

I am sorry Miracle. Take it easy tomorrow.

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OurChristmasMiracle · 30/10/2019 13:13

My letterbox has arrived today. They’ve attached it to the email they sent but I’m at work and just don’t have the strength to open it yet so I’ve printed it and put it in an envelope for when I am ready

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 30/10/2019 13:30

That's a good idea. I am glad it's arrived. Take it easy. I will be here if you want to talk.

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OurChristmasMiracle · 31/10/2019 07:30

Morning.

I read my letter last night and it was really positive but of course that still opens up a whole mix of emotions. I couldn’t be more proud of my son and how he is doing but it also makes me very very sad not to be there with him.

This morning I realised that as much as I might want my dad here with me I don’t NEED him now- I’m actually this year in a positive place doing ok without both him and mum, although I will always be their legacy.

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 31/10/2019 08:13

That's great. It's such a bittersweet thing to know your children are thriving but you don't get to be part of it. I am glad your feeling positive about your dad.

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Phimma · 01/11/2019 09:28

What is letterbox?

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 01/11/2019 09:39

@Phimma its basically a form of indirect contact for birth parents and adopters to share updates. Its a very informal agreement and can change, be dropped or stopped at any time if the adopters choose to stop writing. it commonly happens once a year.

It is also HIGHLY stressful on BP as its usually late and many of them don't know how to respond.

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Phimma · 01/11/2019 09:40

Thank you for the explanation, didn't have that when my child was adopted.

OurChristmasMiracle · 01/11/2019 10:07

I am feeling a lot less emotional today. I’ve allowed myself to breathe and will start to think of responding to them in the next couple of weeks.

There’s a couple of questions in there I’m not comfortable responding to but that’s ok, I’ll just be vague about it

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 01/11/2019 13:57

@Phimma ah, sorry to hear that. Times have changed and studies have proven that it helps the child to feel more secure to have a link to birth families.

@OurChristmasMiracle that's understandable, it's hard to answer questions, isn't it?

I ordered some pictures yesterday using free print. Should be here next week, I have mixed feelings about sending pictures of myself as I am not going to change much and it's likely to be stashed in a memory box rather then the girls see it. Its also a selfie of myself so feels rather indulgent but, dont have anyone to take picture of me.

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OurChristmasMiracle · 01/11/2019 14:08

It’s just they are asking about surgery that I had a couple of years ago and I don’t really want to say it was because birth father caused an injury which was never permitted to heal as I don’t think that’s of benefit to our son.

I haven’t sent photos of myself for a while because they aren’t shared with my son at this time so I don’t see there is a benefit for him at this time.

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 01/11/2019 16:39

It seems a bit odd to ask such a question. I wouldn't answer it if you didn't feel comfortable.

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Original poster
darkriver19886 · 01/11/2019 19:32

I feel the need to check-in, I am really struggling today. Therapy was awful yesterday and I am not sure why. I have a habit of panicking before thinking things through and I spent my whole session stuck in panic mode all because I misinterpreted something. She also called me out on something I have habit doing and I felt like she was telling me off. She wasn't but, it soured the whole session. She is an excellent therapist and I can't rate her highly enough. To find someone who was willing to deal with my condition was like striking gold.

That's the awful thing is that sometimes due to my own childhood I can't always interpret concern from criticism and so I instantly retreat into child mode. I am starting to slowly look at therapeutic parenting as I think I need some myself but, I get really overwhelmed.

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OurChristmasMiracle · 01/11/2019 20:35

@Darkriver19886

The hard thing about therapy is that it can make you feel so much worse at times. Well done for realising this is a good thing. You are already recognising that she wasn’t telling you off- she was opening a conversation into you being able to open up something and move forwards. I know these wounds are so deep and it feels like every time you feel better they are being ripped open all over again but each time they are healing a little more.

Look after yourself Flowers

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 01/11/2019 20:45

Thank you, I feel a little better, I wrote a blog post which helped. I spend a lot of therapy deflecting. I think she wanted me to talk about me. It's hard though as I don't feel I am interesting enough. I know that I could go to therapy and talk about shopping and she would still listen but, again it stems from my childhood.

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OurChristmasMiracle · 02/11/2019 21:42

Last night I put my sons latest letter in his memory box, opening that box is always hard for me. Seeing his tiny little hand prints from the days when he was 3. Knowing that his little hand was at one point in mine.

I’ve kept myself busy today. I had things I needed to do and so I got them done. I’m tired now though

Hope you are ok too

whoviangirl88 · 03/11/2019 06:23

I am okay Miracle. Been struggling massively but, I am sure it will pass.

MintyT · 03/11/2019 06:40

@darkriver19886 you said up thread that you failed your girls, but you really haven't. You have done the very best that you could ever do. You was failed, but you haven't failed. You have given your girls the very best chance you could and I admire you for that, please let yourself be happy you deserve it. Take car my love

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 03/11/2019 12:22

@darkriver19886 you said up thread that you failed your girls, but you really haven't. You have done the very best that you could ever do. You was failed, but you haven't failed. You have given your girls the very best chance you could and I admire you for that, please let yourself be happy you deserve it. Take car my love

Thank you @MintyT I live with so many what-ifs. Its hard to not feel I failed.

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OurChristmasMiracle · 03/11/2019 18:14

@darkriver19886 you can’t live with what if- you will only torture yourself that way. As harsh as that will sound. There’s so many what it’s in my life both inside and outside of my control from so young but I can’t undo what’s been done. What you should take solace in is that you made the hardest and most heartbreaking decision to allow your daughters to be adopted despite it going against every one of our human instincts and the pain it causes you. You made sure that they were put first so no you didn’t fail. Not even in the slightest.

My boyfriend has been to mine this afternoon and we had a really good but emotional talk about my son and contact. I’m alone now though to process the emotions.

Original poster
darkriver19886 · 03/11/2019 19:18

Glad you had some company today. @ourchristmasmiracle. I went for a walk and took some really nice pictures. Going to put a film on soon and just relax.

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