Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

[Moomo]

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

Not read the whole thread - but I did the same.

I had a well paid high profile job abd really loved it, I had progressed to a senior level and was very happy and settled, but decided it was time to start a family. After DD1 was born I planned to go back to work fulltime - did it for 1 month and found it unbearable, so I managed to negotiate part time working - this worked okay, but I felt I was making compromises and DD1 was missing out on not being with me all the time. She did have fab childcare as my mother looked after her and kept her very busy. Finally when she was 2.5 I gave up work for good. It would have been impossible for her to go to our lovely local preschool while I was working. She is now 7 and I have DD2 too and I think its the best decision I ever made. The girls have fantastic social lives, do lots of activites after school and I get to help at school too.

I would say if you can afford it do it - we were fortunate as we waited a long time to have kids we have no mortgage and a good amount saved. Sometime I do think having more money would be great, but spending time with my girls is better.

It a personal decision, but for me I think it was the right decision and I don't plan to work in the same field if I do decide to retun to work as its too demanding and not compatible with family life, but for now I think its important to be around for my girls

Your story is inspiring Kittens and Im glad it worked so well for you. It does sound like a great result.

Thank you everyone for your replies. As other people have said it is great to hear balanced arguments from both sides, and the experiences of people who have done the same.

DH's job is as secure as it can be (family business) nd lots of potential for higher earning in future but of course nothing is for sure.

in response to some people's questions, DS is 8 months so I still have a little bit of ttime to figure things out.

Also, a few people have questioned DH's feelings in this and I just wanted to say that he is totally and utterly behind whatever I decide and just wants me to be a happy mum! We are both quite concerned about childcare though.

I do see the logic in going back and then seeing how it goes and if I hate it, to just stop. I would just feel bad about work as I work in a small team and it would put them ina difficult position. I know that in a sense thats their problem though!

Some of these posts have made me look at things slightly differently and what I might do is some more research on nannies and IF I could find one that I really liked and felt totally comfortable with then I might feel differently. It would also depend on work letting me go back PT as if its a choice between FT work or no work then I would absolutely and definitely choose no work!

Go with your heart!! We sat down and had a hard look at what we wanted out of life, put the logical and financial arguments into the picture and came up with a picture of our family that we were happy with. The "vision" will change as we grow and the reality is not always perfect, but then no option is perfect! Good luck - it sounds like you are doing the right sort of thinking to make the best decision for your family and know that it can change as your feelings and circumstances change.

OP - have you looked into nurseries in your area? My 2 DCs went to a great nursery full time from the age of 3 months and I went back to work. I was not very suited to being a SAHM, and the nursery was a godsend.

Both DCs are very well socialised to other children and adults. They are happy to be left with "strangers" eg if we have someone new come and babysit for us, and are both happy and confident.

They have learned how to share!

Also, the nursery provided a variety of activities I could never hope to at home...jelly play, soft play, outdoor play, music, dancing, "PE" as well as counting, singing, recognising simple words, colours etc.

It was a private nursery, so not cheap, but much cheaper than a nanny (which is what we have now they are at school) and easily affordable on what you are earning.

Maybe there is something similar in your area?

Neume- out of interest how old are your DCs now? I've not talked to anyone who has had children in nursery full time before.

Im interested to hear the positives. Are there any negatives you might attribute to being at nursery?

Moomo - whatever you decide, do what is right for you and your family. Don't worry one bit about the other people in your team - they are so much less important than the three of you! Us women are great at feeling bad about the impact of our decisions on other people, often to the extent that we put ourselves below other people in the pecking order. In this instance there are only 3 people to focus on, and everyone else will just have to get on and deal with whatever you decide!

OP

Really glad to hear you're looking into the option of a nanny and PT work, I think that would be the best option for you and I'm with everyone who says this is a very big decision to rush into. Yes, a nanny is very expensive but you need to look on this as an investment.

You haven't had a toddler yet and that is a very different experience to life with a baby. You honestly may be glad of a couple of days respite in an office when your ds is bigger, arguing with you, throwing food on the floor and painting the walls orange That's what all my working mum friends think anyway.

Also, has anyone mentioned maternity pay. If you want more dcs you'd be much better off receiving a proper maternity leave from your work than the govt allowance. Good luck whatever you decide

neume, just one thing. Surely your children would have learnt to share even if they hadn't been to nursery?

I wanted to stay at home so went back to work 3 days a week (to get my maternity pay guaranteed) thinking I would give up after a few months.

However, I then discovered that the toddler phase 18 months-2.5 years was horrible and I was not cut out for parenting a toddler and happily handed her over to the nursery each day.

I then went up to 4 days a week and now work school hours, so pick up and drop off DD every day so almost like a SAHM in that respect.

My situation is a bit different as I am disabled with limited mobility. If I did not go to work I think I'd have a much narrower life than a standard SAHM as I cannot drive and am often in pain and not wanting to chat endlessly in coffee shops or sit in playgrounds! I also felt the nursery was excellent for DD and gave her a better environment than me at home, once she became mobile and active.

It might be an idea to try part time. I really really thought I wanted to be a SAHM but once I got back into work I relalised I liked work too.

On the other hand my friend gave up work and was completely happy with it.

Certainly don't worry about what people at work think, they will accpet you working part time. I've found the vast majority of people are fine with it and certainly my bosses have never complained (although I know they do find it incomvenient as they like having meetings at 5pm, which I can't attend!!!!)

Megonthemoon - thanks so much for that comment! Very true!

Neume - I have looked into nurseries - there are only a couple where I live that aren't term-time only (can't understand why so many are term-time only as surely most parents work all year round?!) and I've been to see them both and really disliked both of them. I just didn't feel happy about the fact that DS would basically stay in one room all day long with perhaps 20 mins outside if the weather is good, and I just found the whole environment very depressing. Even if DS would be fine there I knwo that I wouldn't be happy and that is just as important!

Miggsie, that's funny. I loved the toddler phase. If I'd had to work, I'd rather have done it when the children were babies. That said, I went back to work for six months when DS was 16 months old, and that was what made me decide to be a SAHM.

Moomo, I hope you won't let the comments on here influence you either way. People feel very strongly about the way that they do or don't combine parenting and work, and they all have plenty of evidence to back up their own beliefs and needs. I could cite endless evidence for my own conviction (namely that children are better off being cared for at home by a parent for at least the first three years) - but others would simply counter it with evidence to show the opposite.

Ignore what anyone else says or does. Make your decision based on your little family. Don't try to second-guess what might happen or how you might feel in the future: so much can happen between now and then. You have one child at the moment: it's very trite, but you won't be able to go back and have his childhood again. You need to decide what's best for you all now.

FWIW, when you're a SAHM, every hour - nay, every minute - can sometimes seem like several years. But when your son is five and starting school, those years will seem to have gone terrifyingly quickly.

the days are long but the years are short...

Well here's a thing. After all my spouting yesterday I've just been offered a full time job! Aaaaarrrrgh.

Before this thread I would have turned it down flat but now I'm not so sure.

It would be working from home, with one day commuting and they might consider me working flexibly (i.e. school pick up at 3 and then working later in the evening).

The dilemma the dilemma.

Half of me thinks that I didn't leave London to work full time but the other half of me thinks ......hmm, cleaner, someone to do the ironing, DS1 will be at school anyway and DS2 has had 18 months of me at home.

Sorry to hijack moo but all this has made me think.

I went back to work F/T in May - on a four month contract (covering another lady on maternity leave). In my profession it's very rare to have p/t working option but it looks like I'm going to be doing a job share with the lady when she comes back in September. I stayed at home till my DD was 16 months and the time was really right for me to go back to work.
I say keep your options open.

Oh yes fruitstick think of the cleaner (and your pension)! Sounds like a good job, why not take it and see how you get on?

My main reservation is that they would want me to start straight away. DS1 starts reception in September so I would be working all the way through the summer holidays.

I know they'll be other summer holidays but it seems like bad timing. But if I don't take it the job won't be there in September.

Could you start and have a couple of weeks on holiday anyway?

There's a project deadline which is imminent so it would be fairly full on right from the start.

ouch. I personally still would take it though, jobs with those sorts of working arrangements don't come around that often. P.S. cleaner cleaner cleaner cleaner

Congrats fruit. You just need the news to sink in a little more. Consider very carefully about turning down a job offer in this climate.

MooMoo - 8 years ago I gave up big salary to be SAHM. Now have 3 children (8,6,3). Giving up career has been hard mentally, emotionally and financially but I'm also now a more rounded and compassionate person for it. I'm currently thinking about going back to work now. My advice would be find a childminder you really like who is part of a community rather than a nursery and go back to work part-time. In retrospect - doing this might have helped me to be more sane!

its having the kids in childcare during the school holidays thats the clincher for me.

my two are now 9 and 12 and they love being at home all summer, lazing about, playing with friends, days out, all the stuff I did when I was young.

leaving them in holiday clubs 8-6 just wouldn't compare.

the ideal would be to have some at home eg. a gran or a nanny so the kids are still at home and you can still work

although I do know some kids who enjoy holiday clubs, I think as they get older they get too old for them

Part time is the way to go if you can, I went back part time after DD1 to a well paid job I loved but unfortunately I had become a different person and my job was not a typical 9-5 so I ended up leaving and I don't regret it - I tried!

But the best thing was that although I hated the thought of putting my DD1 in a childcare setting at first, once I left work she stayed there a couple of mornings a week because she LOVED it and it was so good for both of us to have some time apart.

And now after DS2 I am trying to find that all elusive combination of a job I would enjoy that also allows me to spend time with my two gorgeous chidren.

Good luck with whatever decision you make but make it carefully and with no regrets!

Haven't read everything so apologies if I'm repeating something that's already been said.

I totally empathise with your situation. I had always expected to work and was shocked by my strength of feeling that I didn't want to trust dd1 to childcare (of any sort to be honest!). I went back to work as p/t as I could persuade my boss which was 4 days per week. Then with dd2 it became even harder so I didn't return.

As dd2 approaches school starting age, I am questioning my decision.

I wish I had been able to put the immediate emotions on hold and consider my longer life plan. Becoming a sahm (while sometimes fab) has limited my future opportunities in a way I didn't really see coming. I'm sure I could apply for jobs and work my way up again, but I don't think I'd get such a senior job after so long away. However, my family have come to expect me to be here - if I now returned to work my dh would struggle hugely to find the time/energy to take back all the household tasks he used to be responsible for (he's since set up his own business so his responsibilities and commitments have increased), my dds would now hate having any kind of childcare arrangement (even though it would only be after school/holiday clubs). I really have made a rod for my own back.

Fortunately for me, I have a way out as I've worked myself into a role in dh's business which is growing as my time becomes available but which can be done flexibly so I can still feel like a sahm when I want to.

But do please consider what you want to be doing in 10 years. Being a working mum is incredibly hard (as is being a sahm). But getting to 40 or 45 and wondering what you'll do until retirement would also be tough!

Obviously you have to follow your heart but if I were you (and me again) I'd really work at pushing your employers to allow you to work part-time to keep your hand in and find childcare that works. Childminders can be great, very variable but you just have to click with the person I think so takes a few meetings to find the one.

Best of luck whatever you decide.