Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

[Moomo]

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

[violethill]

I think it's very sad if people really seriously live in hope of winning the lottery. I wouldn't even bother doing it, odds are way too slim. You're more likely to focus your dreams on something more realistically obtainable - such as a well paid, interesting job!

There's no point talking about 'ideal worlds' anyway - we don't live in one, and neither will our children. The reality is that nearly all adults need to work, thankfully many of them want to work too, and this serves many purposes - it provides us with choices. An adult who doesn't work, may well have all day to sit at home, but sitting in some grotty social housing in a place they don't choose to be, and having no spare cash to do the things they want to do, is hardly liberating.

I think it's very sad to think of work equating with being bored, unahappy or unfulilled.

[daftpunk]

I agree that working gives people alot more than a salary....no way I could sit at home all day on benefits on some grim housing estate...(although did you see the front page of the Daily Mail on saturday...)

Talking of the DM, there's an article in there today about the new feminist housewifes...women who give up good jobs to stay at home... coincidence...

[scottishmummy]

hark at you dp quoting dm as if its truth.shame on you

[IHeartJohnLewis]

Iheartthedailymail as well as John Lewis.

But today's article isn't about women who've given up good jobs. It's about women who've never even had real jobs and who have instead chosen to marry and have children in their early 20s. A sensible choice, I'd say, and one I'd be happy for my daughter to make.

[daftpunk]

The DM aren't allowed to lie SM....they'd be constantly in court if they did...and I don't think they are

[duplotogo]

Have you seen this thread though on "Are you secretly poor too?"

I would be too scared to make a move like this in case your husband's job didn't work out for whatever reason, be it a bankrupt business or illness etc.

[TheMysticMasseuse]

My mother did this, although in her case my dad earned very well and she not so much, so it was, on the surface of things, a very "easy" decision.

She has spent every single day of my adult life telling me that I shouldn't be making the same mistake.

I think of me and my brothers, and for my dad, it's been brilliant having her around all the time, having a comfortable lovely house, nice food etc (but then my mum has always been excellent at all housey things, and not all women are). but for her as a person? not so much. She is now in her 60s and full of skills that have gone unused and regrets, and has been a full time carer (first of us, now of her and my dad's parents) all her life, essentially.

And even though my parents are well off, she never felt the money was "hers"- having to justify buying clothes or beauty products for herself all her life has not been fun. She also has no pension.

She always says "it's easy now, but it will be so much harder later".

I am a SAHM now (not by choice) and though i can see that it makes life easier all around, i don't think it's a sustainable lifestyle for my family. I am too bored, and don't feel equal to my dh, and i want my dds to have a different role model than my mum. And our financial position has been unaffected by my giving up work because dh got a much better job. Can't believe what it would be like if our combined income had also been drastically curtailed.

[blueshoes]

Mystic, my mother was also a SAHM when my siblings and I were growing up.

There is no one more passionate than her about us (esp her daughters) not giving up work and not being financially dependent on a partner. So similarities with your mother.

Watching her, yes it made for an easier life all round (particularly for her after the children have started school), but I personally have reservations whether the medium to long term trade off is worth it.

[TheMysticMasseuse]

Also thinking about this some more... most people focused on the 60k a year element of yur op (and tbh, the more i think about it the more i think you'd be a bit reckless to give up so much income in such an economic climate), but the "that I love" part is equally important.

In my experience combinging work with children is hard work, but if you happen to like your job, you get so much out of it in terms of energy and fulfillment, and are, as a result, a much better person and parent.

I have never felt more listless and lazy as in these last 6 months as a SAHM. I used to get far more done than i do now when i worked part-time. Don;t get me wrong- I love spending tine my dds and I lvoe being able to do things for my dh which i wouldn't normally do (such as cook a special curry etc) if i was working. but i end up spending so much time on MN or similar that tbh i don't think i am that much more "present" than when i was at work.

[daftpunk]

Don't you think though TMM, it's good for the children to have you there..even if you are on mumsnet/facebook/whatever....it's a security thing....I'm not sure how I would have taken it if I found out my mother returned to work because she found it so much more exciting/fulfilling than being at home with me...

[TheMysticMasseuse]

yes it's definitely a security thing dp, not debating that. I can see that my dcs are happier/more secure with me at home.

but let me tell you, it isn't very nice, as an adult (but i remember feeling like this as a teenager too) to feel somewhat responsible for the regrets and lack of fulfillment of a person you love so much as your own mother.

Of course she gave up work willingly, and she has never made us feel responsible for her choices (far from it). I still wish she'd maintained some kind of professional identity, she'd be happier now, she'd have been happier for many, many years, and that would make me happy too.

it's never black or white though, really. you are sitll very present in your children's lives even if you are at work 9 hours a day. conversely, you can be absent from their lives even if you are at home all the time.

And money is very important for children's security too. i know it's not pc or middle class or whatever to admit it, but as that harrowing "secret poor" thread shows, so many families are living in conditions of incredibly stress and it could happen to all of us. i wouldn't give up 2/3 of my family's income lightly, even accounting for chidlcare etc.

[daftpunk]

No, it's never black or white... and there's never a right or wrong answer...

[nooka]

I'd be incredibly worried if my dd never had a real job and instead chose to get married and have babies very young. Or my son for that matter. I think that would really limit your life choices, and having myself settled with my dh very young (we started living together at university) I think it ha significant drawbacks. I get the argument about having children when your energy levels and fertility are high, but then trying to get a good interesting job with no experience of working I would have thought would be extremely difficult. Plus it's pretty much jumping straight from full time education to parenthood, with very little time to finish growing up and your twenties are a good time for having a good time.

[foureleven]

agreed nooka. If you married and had a child at 18 then you'll only be 34 when it leaves school (eek, my age) and what would you do for the remaining years of your life...? I dont think employers are screaming out for 34 year olds with no work experience at the moment!

So you'd have to rely on your husband to
A, not lose his job
B, Not leave you (or become a bit of a git so you'd want to leave him)
C, not become ill.

Plus he'd have to earn a pretty decent whack in order for you to have enough money to actually do stuff for the remaining 30 years until he retired and you had someone else at home with you..

[TheMysticMasseuse]

foureleven, the second part of your point B is crucial.

it's not just about your husband leaving you, it's about having the option of leaving him if you want to/need to.

Just ask the millions of women worldwide who are trapped in loveless/abusive marriages, and their dcs.

[susie100]

Where has the OP gone?

My mother is exactly the same, almost made me promise not to give up my career, she regrets it hugely and quite frankly we would all have had an easier life if she had not been a frustrated career woman at home.

Dad earnt well, she gave up work and then he had to take a much lower paid job. It was tough and a real struggle.

OP if you LOVE your job you are very fortunate indeed and that alone would be enough to get me to go back to work. The fact you earn double what your dh does makes it a bit of a no brainer frankly

[LadyBiscuit]

TMM - my mother wanted to leave but didn't have the money nor the means to go I think that's one of the reasons I am so fiercely independent - I would never want to be in that situation, nor would I want a child of mine to be.

[foureleven]

Quite lady biscuit, Im with you on that one!

[blueshoes]

So true, ladybiscuit.

That is the reason why my mother was so adamant that although she was a SAHM that we were not to follow in her footsteps. There were periods when we were growing up she was very unhappy in her marriage but she could not do anything about it without jeopardising the comfort of her dcs' life.

I see being self-supporting as a duty I owe to my dcs tbh, not to ever box myself in a less than ideal partner where I had to lump it.

It does not quite pull at the heartstrings so much to say it, but my working is very much done in my dcs' interests as well. Together with their financial security especially with the prospect of crippling uni tuition fees/debt.

[Highlander]

are we still going here? Could I have advice?

I'm hoping to go back to work FT when DS2 goes to school in 2012. From Sept, I'm hoping to work for free (2hrs/day while DS2 is at pre-school) to re-skill.

I really can't bear the thought of holiday clubs and I would like to employ a nanny.

1. Is it worth finding another mum to share? i.e. the nanny takes 4 children to school, picks them afterwards, but has to look after them all during the holidays.

1. On my salary of 23-25k (would go up a lot after 3 years)could I employ a nanny FT just for us. On another thread, someone implied I would have to make 50k to clear anything after the nanny's salary.

[abdnhiker]

Highlander at an hourly rate of £11/hour, I figured out that I'd need a salary of £34K a year to pay a nanny. Remember that you need to pay the employers NI contributions too!

And unless nannies are cheap where you are, I can't see you managing it on 25K. I was on 29K, going up to 31K, when I left work and after petrol (10mile commute) I wasn't going to have enough for a nanny (we called around and asked about wages).

[foureleven]

If it helps my mum was a nanny to 3 boys from 8 - 7 Mon-Fri and she got paid £250 per week.

[Highlander]

my friend says it costs her 1000k/month for a 3 day/week nanny. We could do that, as DH can pick up on the 4th day.

TBH, we would just have to find the extra money, as it is DH's hours that are a nightmare and I really don't see why I should be shouldering the stress of work and worrying about making it to after school club/sorting out school holidaycare etc etc. nanny I think is easiest option.

[abdnhiker]

foureleven - your mum would be undercharging around here by a long shot. It's about £10-12 an hour which is at least £400/week.

Highlander - it makes a huge difference if your DH can cover one of the days! We're unable to do that and it turned out to be the breaking point...

[Highlander]

oh, I definitely have a few people lined up as a potential share........