Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

[Moomo]

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

[madrush]

How could I miss a bit off such a long post? But I meant to say it's the "just for a couple of years" bit that tells me you might be like me and didn't really expect to be at home, but you're finding the idea of childcare emotionally difficult.

[poguemahone]

It's not a straight calculation - on top of the considerations Megonthemoon mentioned, there's the loss of career momentum whilst you're not working, i.e. what experience, promotions, salary increases might you miss out on or postpone?

Disclaimer: I speak as someone who 2 years ago did what you're contemplating. Have had 3 DC in quick succession, though, and haven't tried to get back into the job market yet (youngest just born).

[Moomo]

Fruitstick - hijack away That's a really tough one - do you think you might have any more DCs and would that affect your decision?

I will definitely take into consideration the more long-term aspects, and the fact that if I go back to work I can still change my mind and be a SAHM.

As I said before I'm not that bothered about salary progression etc. but I'm sure it would be much harder to get back into things if I can a long career break. Have to admit I hadn't even consdiered how I might feel in my 40s! Only just joined the 30s so feels like ages away but i guess its not!

So interesting to hear so many different (and varying) views.

[gomummygo]

I also haven't read everything so apologies if any of this has been said...

I did it. From a nice six figure position, so a v. significant salary/lifestyle change. I walked away to be at home and have not regretted it for a second. BUT, I spent a long time reading and understanding what was involved in the transition beforehand (not just financial, it is a whole "headspace" transition).

From a financial perspective we "practised" for six months living completely off of DH salary alone - which I would recommend to anyone considering the shift. It was a BIG change, especially in terms of things like travel, vacations, hobbies, all the extras of life, as well as having to change our choices in vehicles, clothing, eating out, etc. Being prepared for this was enormous for me as it was almost a 180 degree shift in the way I lived.

To answer your question about how it has worked out - It is not an easy financial adjustment even when you are prepared, but for me personally and for our family has been extremely worth it and I will never go back to the way we used to live.

As a side note I received absolutely no support from anyone other than DH in making the decision.

Good luck!

[juneau]

I had a well-paid job before having my son in 2007, but at the time I was living in the US and was only entitled to 12 weeks maternity leave. As I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him when he was so young and I wanted to breast feed exclusively, I lost my job.

After a year I'd have been happy to go back and was actually ready to re-enter the workforce, but it was Oct 2008 and the financial world, particularly in NY, was imploding and companies were frantically getting rid of staff, not hiring new people. So, three years on I'm still a SAHM. There are days when I love it and I can't say I miss working in an office, because I don't. But my husband is about to be laid off for the second time and there is no doubt that having a second income would have made things a bit easier this past few years.

[Bobbalina]

You will decide what is right for you, nobody can make the decision but you and your dp.

There are some huge things that you are walking away from if you decide to be a SAHM. Your career may be over / stalled forever / merely significantly set back. You are considering giving up your financial independance and putting the whole wage earning stress onto your dh.

[ivykaty44]

Could you both go part time and therefore not have childcare and both do 2 half days per week? Or three days one weeks and two days the next? both alternating?

[Hhhmmmmm]

I was earning twice what my husband was when i had my first DD and gave up work. The thought of being separated from my baby made me go week at the knees! It was a decision that was made in the gut!

Never regretted it. Childhood goes so fast and i'm soaking up every second. All of my working friends talk about missing this or that/ feeling guilty etc. I never have. I'm there for everything. I love it!

By the way, being a Dad gave DH a kick up the ass and he now surpasses my potential salary!

[Hhhmmmmm]

Just read what gomummygo wrote and that sounds very sensible

[catherine123456]

I did exactly the same. I loved my job....but I loved being at home with my daughter more. It has been financially hard but I don't regret it one bit. I had to make a very tough decision, for me, which was about giving up luxuries and having to shop around for everything. Sometimes I do feel a bit envious when I see 2 income friends going abroad but I do intend to go back to work at some point so we'll catch up then.
One strange thing is that I always intended to have a LONG career break and go back to my old career but now I'm thinking about going back to uni and doing something completely different. My perspective on life has changed and I feel quite excited about the opportunity to try something new. I never thought I would want to do anything new.

Good luck. I hope you make a decision and feel comfortable with that decision.

[ScrumptiousPumpkin]

Good for you! I gave up a good career earning same as husband to stay at home after first child, and now have a second. Mums in my NCT group asked 'but how will your child develop if she doesn't go to nursery', which upset me at the time, and they treated me like a person who must have had a very poor job to not want to return to it.

But my children are happy, well-developed, don't need a comfort toy to replace mummy, I usually know what they need or are trying to communicate. I have days where I am really quite bored! And I'd love to have my own money again. But the biggest factor has been a very supportive husband who I trust. Without that I would have gone back.

[wisy]

I left my job 5 years ago when I had my first. I do not regret it one bit. There is nothing like seeing your child reaching all the milestones. I don't know how any mother can put their babies into nurseries whilst so young. THey just don't get the same love and attention. Both my kids are now at school and I have started my own business which is doing really well.

[LadyBiscuit]

I am about to leave my well-paid job too to become a bit of a SAHM - I will be working PT but only during school hours and evenings - freelance. We're moving out of London to Kent where properties are much cheaper and I will hopefully have nearly a whole year hanging with my DS before he starts school. Can't wait

I am in a slightly different position to you - am 45 so don't plan to ever go back. For me the things that are going to make it work is the fact that I have lots of contacts who will give me work and that doing my job freelance is very lucrative. So I figure that reducing my outgoings substantially combined with an income that pays well for reduced hours won't mean we will be in the workhouse (I am a single parent so my income is critical!).

It's really worth doing the budget calculator on MoneySavingExpert - has helped me look for areas to economise and work out what I can and can't afford.

Good luck!

[tempertemper]

Its such a perenially hard decision. I'll add my twopennethworth:

Its probably worth trying to go back to work for a while at least (part time if possible), before making the decision. I think most of us find the thought of someone else caring for our child, and the initial separation is very tough. However, I certainly found we both settled into it very quickly and there were aspects of my old life I had forgotten how much I had enjoyed. It's really hard to know what you are giving up (and what you might be gaining!) unless you have given some form of return to work a go.

I second the comments about thinking ahead to what you may want later. Think the comment about "making a rod for your back" by madrush is really interesting: you may find it very hard to get your children and Dh to cope with you returning to work at some point in the future. Although its hard to balance this with the thought of missing any of your childs early years, try to think about how you will feel in 20 years looking back if you don't acheive some of the ambitions you once held.

I work as a GP and see so many women, at menopause, having a really tough time emotionally. They are no longer needed for full time mothering but haven't really got a clear alternative "life" to return to either. I don't know whether being a SAHM leads to this but it's certainly made me think a bit more about what I want for my own life, as well as for my childrens lives.

I currently work half time and it is a pretty good mix most of the time - I'm probably doing a half-arsed job of home and work but my DCs seem happy and settled and I can keep things "ticking over" career wise until I am less needed.

I don't mean this to sound anti-SAHM. I've never seriously considered this option as it would have meant pretty much abandoning my career for good, but I am sure some women (and probably most children!) thrive on this set up. I think its less about the money side of things - more about trying to think longer term.

[bobsgirl]

I am looking at this from a much later point in the journey of motherhood than most of you - makes me realise I am getting older! My DS is now 22 and DD is 19, I left full time work after DS was born and I loved every minute of my SAHM days. I'm lucky that I have a profession where I can do some flexible, part-time work to keep my hand in but have always insisted that "Mum" was my no 1 job and have never worked more than 2 days per week.

I have lost some career ground and definitely will not have the pension that working friends will have but do not regret it at all. Like a previous poster, my DH earned slightly less than me when I stopped but now earns much more than I ever could and attributes some of that to having such support at home.

To me the real vindication of my decision is the wonderful family relationships we now have (and the relatively smooth teenage years, note the word relatively!) It may be coincidental but within our group of friends and family those with long hours and work pressure do seem to have more hassle from their children.

I firmly believe that life is too short to prioritise work or money above family. If you want to stay at home, do it. Follow your heart and that will always be the right decision.

[lukewarmcupoftea]

Moomo, I felt like that about the nurseries I saw. I also felt like you did at around 8 months, but emotions run high that early on and especially when you are in a maternity leave bubble.

Found a fab childminder (really recommend you look into CMs, best of all worlds I think), and went pack p/t (3 days after dd1, 2 days after dd2), and I think that this arrangement covers all bases really. Great personal childcare from someone who loves my kids almost as much as I do, the days at work give us security (I could go back f/t if necessary, so dh doesn't feel the financial pressure is on him alone), pension (seriously, if you couldn't afford to save for pension or university costs, then you can't really afford to stay at home?), keeps my hand in for later life, but there are more days at home than at work which works for the kids.

And we have a cleaner and a gardener [very lucky us emoticon].

I don't honestly see how you can make a decision without trying part time work first. Also, if you are planning on a dc2, then it would only be for a finite period anyway and you could reevaluate after that if you wanted.

[febull]

I've been in your position - earning £50k before kids came along. Over the years I've tried everything - au pair/nursery/childminder/nanny/reduced hours/reduced days - nothing ever felt right. I always felt torn between office and home. For all career women something has to give/suffer at some point so what would you rather it be? Work, your husband, you or your kids? It's a no brainer really! Life is too short and kids grow up too fast. I'm in my early 30's and was rushed to hospital with suspected heart attack 6mths ago. I've been signed off work since then and being a 'forced' SAHM is fantastic. I can't face the thought of returning to work now - it's just a job. Life and my kids are so much more than that. So if you can afford to - do it. Spend time with your kids - you might even start to like them . Plus if a career really truely is more important to you why on earth have kids in the first place?

[lovingcougartown]

I wondered about this when I had DC1. At that time I earned £68k. I had a payrise while I was on mat leave to £74k. I did go back in the end, part-time, and moved jobs after a year back to £110k. DC1 is now 4 and DC2 is 1 - I can now go part-time and still earn more than I did pre-DC1. We have also moved from a flat to a proper lifetime house since DC1.

I wouldn't have been able to do this if I had given up after DC1.

I know money isn't everything but I prefer having the options I have now and I didn't know I would be in this position after DC1.

Give it some time.

[AandO]

Moomo - I would recommend part time work if it available in your current job and a childminder.

I also was not in favour of creches so started interviewing childminders. Ds (now 3.5) has been with a childminder since he was 12 months. She has ds and her own child, who is only 6 months younger than ds so they play fantasically. She takes them to the park, used to take them to toddler groups before they became nursery age etc so he is out and about rather than in a creche all day, and he is also in a home setting, with just one other child, like having a sibling. A childminder is also cheaper than a nanny, and more social as they get older as CM frequently have their own kids or mind other children. He is there three afternoons a week (with nursery in the morning), and then at home the rest of the week. I find it a wonderful balance for both of us and am 100% happy with our childcare arrangements.

[Nom]

I've recently just become a SAHM, having left a job I loved at times and with a comparable salary. . However I weighed it up as my previous job was stressful, but I know its not a job I could do in 5 or 10 years time. Also I didn't want to put my DD in childcare either, its just a personal thing.

When I do go back to work it will be a different career, so I've decided to be a SAHM hang out with my DD and I do love it. Its exhausting and can be dull at times, but these are precious days and I cherish the fact we never have to rush. In a year of two I'm going to try and set up my own business or retrain, and I'm looking at options that are more child friendly too.

I miss the lovely things about work and independence, earning my own money, wearing a pair of heels in the morning, reading the newspaper on the train to work and my work mates.

Friends who have gone back to work have done so part time 3 or 4 days a week and they make it work and actually do enjoy it as a break from motherhood.
Weigh up the part time option if you can, but if you are set on being a SAHM do think through the reality of it, and if you're able to or up to it, just enjoy it. They will be teenagers before you know it.

[AandO]

BTW I should mention that I also desperatly wanted to be a sahm when I had ds. But it really gets easier over time. I still would never consider full time work as time with my ds is so important to me, but part time work gives me the perfect balance in life I feel.

[Nothereorthere]

Well paid job same as you (although my dh earns more than me) and I felt the same when going back after a year' maternity leave but did go back PT.
My best friend said similar to alot of posters here and to try it and see how it went.

I had a nanny and I think this is key to what worked for me.I wouldn't have wanted to put them in a nursery when they were young.
I like the fact my children to be able to nap in their own beds,do their normal daily activities, have a substitute to read and cuddle them,and to structure their day around their needs.The main difference with a nanny compared to a childminder or nursery is as you are the employer you can decide that happens.
If your work or your dh's work offers childcare vouchers this saves you money.If you find a nanny you like and trust they are wonderful.

Because I stayed in work I can now work part time and flexibly to finish to pick up the children from school all but one day when dh does it.It really is only the case you can negotiate these things once you are in the job and your employer values you.I feel very lucky as I earn a very good wage and am still there for my children.

I would look into going back PT with a nanny for a trial period.

£90k to £30k is fine for a short period (like maternity leave) but long term isn't great.

[tripletrouble]

I think that you are very wise, and I would encourage you in your decision to stay at home. Your children are only little once, and the time actually goes very quickly.I'm sure he would be fine with a CM- but you would lose out on this most wonderful experience of seeing your child develop and grow, and of getting to know him and spend time with him. Very soon he will be independent and just wanting to play football and be with his friends- so seize this moment, and enjoy this magical time!! ( I was a SAHM for nine years)

[WineFlu]

Just take your time and think about all your options but I agree with an earlier post - research, research, research.
I went back pt after DD but working in a (boo big bad) bank meant if I wanted a career I really had to work full time. Trust me, now trying to go back to 4 days but work more hours than most fts!!! (Who invented that Blackberry?)
Used to love my job, thought I'd go mad at home but still always had frequent pulling of heart strings. Wonderful nanny courtesy of salary helped lots - now, nanny on mat leave (paid by me!), hate job, not sure I could hack SAHM (ltd patience at times but maybe that's being tired), no chance of pt ... hmm, long term prospects are hard to bear in mind when you just want an out.
Take your time, it is your current luxury.