Giving up £60k job that I love to be SAHM

[Moomo]

After a lot A LOT of thinking I have pretty much decided not to go back to work and to be a SAHM - at least for a couple of years. But am giving up a £60k job that I really enjoyed to do so. DH earns £30k so it will be a massive drop in our income but I just can't face going back to work and leaving DS in childcare.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done the same thing and whether friends/family etc have been supportive as most people I tell think I am totally crazy and try and convince me not to do it. I'm not so worried about my career but a bit worried about the loss of income - we can still pay mortgage, bills etc but will be alot less luxuries/no saving/pension etc.

Would be really interested to know if anyone else has done the same/similar thing and how it worked out. I'm pretty confident of my decision but when everyone around me tells me I'm crazy I have moments of self doubt!

[louisianablue2000]

When making this decision what was important to DH and me was the 'worst case scenario'. That is to say, how would the family cope if one of the parents dies? We thought both of us working part time kept the door open to returning to work full time if necessary (it also gives us nice dependent's pensions and life insurance). Working part time also gives each of us time with the kids alone which in particular allows DH to parent the way he wants (without me telling him what he is doing wrong ). Also, both of us working part time gives us more money than only one of us doing it from a tax viewpoint.

I would say return to work now for a trial period and decide again in a few months or when you've completed your family. Investigate all your childcare options, could you fit round one of the nurseries that are only open in term time if they are better or move closer to a good nursery or what about a CM or nanny?

[blueshoes]

Deciding whether to go back to work whilst on maternity leave is really not a good vantage point to be making that decision.

A lot of how happy you are to go back depends on how well your dc settles in childcare. So best to sort out the childcare you are comfortable with, go back to work for a few months and then decide from there.

I was at my lowest point in relation to my feelings about work, at the end of my maternity leave with dd (first baby). She had health problems too.

Within a week of my being back at work, I was getting my mojo back.

By ds' turn, I cut short my maternity leave to go back earlier because I knew from my experience with dd he will settle at nursery and be fine. And he did.

Now you could not pay me to SAHM ft.

[blueshoes]

louisiana, I agree about worst case scenario. With both parents in employment (whether ft or pt), I think of it as flying with twin, rather than one, engine.

I would never want to get on a plane with only one engine.

[Quattrocento]

You are hormonal and not thinking straight. IMO

[blazeohara]

I gave up work two years ago to stay at home with my first and have never regretted it. We have adjusted to live on one salary, we share a bank account so I don't have to ask for money ( we take joint responsibility and DH considers my being at home as 'working') and I am as busy as I was in a full time professional job. More importantly, I have been there for the vital first years of my child's life when his primary carer shapes the way he forms relationships for the rest of his life. I thought that was my job, noone else's. If in doubt read Oliver James. Oh and it is hard but fantastic too, if you look at it that way.

[violethill]

A parent is almost always the primary carer for their child, whether they work or not.

So by all means stay home if it suits your family, but don't imagine that working parents are not the primary carer.

[megonthemoon]

Completely agree violethill. Parents are almost always the primary carer, it's just that they may not be the sole carer

[wahwahwah]

OK. Will you be able to get back into work? I gave up a 'good' job with 'good' salary. I have experience and qualificatons coming out of my ears but have had a hard time getting back into work.

What if DH is made redundant and had to take a lower paid job? This also happened to us. God it was a crap time and nearly finished our marriage.

Can you work part time or in a consultacy capacity?

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Lots of good comments on this thread.

I think tempertemper has a good point re older women who are having crisis of confidence - their kids have left home, they are menopausal, and they don't have a life outside their kids.

I also think childminders are the way to go - the childminder who looked after my dd was wonderful, dd is facebook friends with her now and still gets christmas cards. It is a like a home from home, a childminder.

Yes somethind has to be sacrfificed if you work FT, have a young baby and a husband. I don't have a huge network of friends as I have always prioritised spending time with my family. But to be honest I don't much mind that.

[IHeartJohnLewis]

Child A is with nanny from 7am-7pm Monday - Friday, 47 weeks of the year. Who is his/her primary carer? Surely nobody could say it was the parents.

[IHeartJohnLewis]

(Ditto nursery 8-6, five days a week, 47 weeks per year). God, what a thought.

[LadyBiscuit]

Oh do fuck off IHJL with your sanctimonious bullshit - it's really beginning to wear thin

[foureleven]

Id say its your choice OP. Although your husbands salary isnt huge, its enough to not have to rely on any help from government or anything so its up to you and your husband if you feel you could live on less money.

Although, I have to agree with those who said that I would let DH leave his job.

But it depends on whether you want to stay at home because you enjoy being at home with your child, or whether its because you dont want to put the children in to childcare?

If you just dont want them in child care then why not have DH at home?

It would be near on impossible to get a back in to work at the level you are at now once your child/children is at school 5 years down the line but is your specialism something that you could do as a consultant or self employed? Because then you could take it up again.

[foureleven]

And also, to put a terribly negative spin on it... is your marriage 100% secure? Because £30k would give you around £200 a month maintenance money (if he had your child a couple of days a week)

I myself have a few isshoos (for want of a better word!)regarding independance and so for me, relying on a man to support me financially wouldnt do at all. They are my issues not yours. But something to consider if you are not 100%.. which of course I have no idea if you are or not.

[foureleven]

And just one more thing (then I'll piss off! Flippin queen of the 3-posts-in-a-row) Regards comments like those from iheartjohnlewis this thread was never about whether its better for your children to stay at home with them or go to work. OP never suggested that either way was better, just that she felt for her family it would be better so yes I second what LadyBiscuit said.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

IHJL - imagine being at home 24/7 52 weeks a year with a bitchy mummy. Gosh, that would be tough.

[Lucy85]

Could I have your job instead?

[foureleven]

lucy85

[GetOrfMoiLand]

IHJL - dd was in childcare 8-6 5 days a week from 3 months. All the rest of the time she spent with me.

She has no trouble (and never has) in identifying me as her mother and her primary caregiver. We are very loving and very close.

She is 14 now and when she has children has said she will go back to work as well. She is evidently not scarred or traumatised by having a working mother. The opposite in fact.

[foureleven]

Oh getofmoiland you rubbish old mother you.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I know, what a crock of shit.

Good job I worked all that time in order to pay for dd's therapists.

[fruitstick]

GOML - actually that is another reason I think working is important that I have only realised as my children get older.

Actually, being a good mother is about teaching them about the world. I have 2 boys and I don't want them growing up to believe that they are looked after by their mothers - that that is my role in life. Obviously I (and their father) are the ones who love them most in life but I want them to grow up seeing women as equal in life - not just the mopper uppers.

I would love my husband to work part time too but (he says) he can't. I really do believe that if more legislation and effort was put into making it acceptable for men to take their fair share of the flexible working, we would feel so torn by these dilemmas and childcare (and the good/bad points) would not be the issue it is.

I fully admit that the baby stage really is all about the mother in most cases but after that, there's no reason why both parents shouldn't be viewed as having responsibilities for childcare.

[emy72]

fruitstick - well said, I agree 100% with what you say and having 2 daughters and 2 sons I have thought it is equally important for my daughters to see that it is important to pursue their careers and that they won't be expected to give it up once they have kids. Role models are very very important indeed!!!

Having said that, I have just applied to go back part time and would love my DH to do the same.

The reality for us is that in our jobs, working part time = career suicide. So both of us going part time, although financially feasible, would mean a double career suicide and therefore we don't want to do it...as my DH is very close to a promotion and it would mean that his portion of increased salary would make up for the hours I am cutting ifyswim....

I think attitudes should change and it shouldn't be that working part time is so detrimental to a careeer - but I think that will take a long long time yet...

[fruitstick]

emy, that's my point really.

Only when it's not considered career suicide for either partner will we all be better off.

And actually, once men start doing it they might think is less suicidal in others

[Ripeberry]

Years ago all men were the main breadwinners, why are our men so pathetic these days that they can't shoulder the responsibility?
SAHMs and P/T working women ARE working when at home!